Bathos for the Misanthropic

Don't check your blog stats

2010-07-28T03:24:00.000-07:00

They serve only as a reminder to depress you.

Talked to a nerdy girl at a bar last night. I like nerds. I want to get with a nerd. She was ex-Mormon and made a joke about 8 year old boys and the pope.

I could be in love.

Totally got cock-blocked by her friends. But she "just" turned 21.

You say. "Maybe that was a good thing as I should date women my age."

Are you serious?

Somebody ought to fix this.

2010-06-01T01:19:00.001-07:00

If you Google "How to kill your baby and get away with it." You will get no useful information.

For the Phone Dog

2010-05-08T03:07:00.002-07:00

I have bad dreams

2010-05-08T00:56:00.001-07:00

I keep having this dream where it is my 40th birthday, and all my friends and family forget that it's my birthday, and nobody writes me, and nobody calls me, and nobody comes over to visit.

So I write this long post on Facebook about how I hate my life and the world and I decide to kill myself. I buy a bunch of pills and start drinking and arrive home to a shock. A surprise party. As soon as I stumble through the door I throw up and pass out.

I wake up to a stomach ache and a severe headache. I see a number of family members and friends through a halo of dim eyesight. I have only one remark for them:

"So this is what Hell is like."

Aphorisms and Anotations

2010-05-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

Knowledge is useless. The ability to see all sides is what paralyzes god.

I follow John Larroquette on Twitter.

2010-04-17T00:44:00.002-07:00

The gray carpet underneath my feet is scrunchy. I would like to tell you that it is not wet with my cum, but I can't. I guess that starts us out kinda creepy. And that is regrettable. I like to keep my creepiness to myself and slowly let you in on it. That way my creepiness is more like an inside joke that we share than some kind of mental illness on my part.

Like when I tell you I can't control my shivering around women anymore and that I am not too sure how long I can make it if I don't get some sex soon.

I'd offer to sit you some place other than next to me on the couch, but that would require moving all the used paper plates off of my chair, and I hate moving shit off my chair. My chair is not for sitting. My chair is an extra dining room table.

Also you sitting close to me is about as close as I get to sex. So I take your human heat and imagine it to be a warm blankey that you have given me to sleep with when I call out your name in the middle of the night, because of the sleep terrors I get.

I know this makes me seem like a kid to you, even though I am 40 and you are half my age, but I use little mind tricks like that. Not on purpose. Not really. I mean no harm. No harm is intended. All you do is think of me younger than I really am when I use my mental tricks on you.

Don't judge me reader. Nothing ever comes of it.

JL did not write this, I did.

I need to stop reading your personal ads

2010-04-15T00:15:00.001-07:00

If I read how one more person likes to watch movies and enjoys listening to music I am going to puke on myself. Then I am going to make you eat it off my stomach, because that's how I roll.

I roll with a giant plastic tarp attached to my truck that I lie out before you, all the while forcing down your throat the puked out residue of my intestines, all because I get sick of reading the same banal shit about how you enjoy doing things that are awesome, but hate doing things that suck.

Other things that make me want to decapitate you? When you talk about how you are interested in being challenged, and how you need a man with goals. I don't have any goals. I think goals are stupid. What happens if you get all your goals before you are dead. Do you just sit there for the rest of your life wishing you had sucked at the lower levels of life more?

Life is not a video game.

If I have to read one more personal ad about how you want to "grow" I will be forced to grind your decapitated head into hamburger meat and feed it to your now orphaned children.

Grow what? The only thing I have noticed growing is your ass. And now it has gotten way too big for either of us to know what to do about it.

The only thing I can think of for you is to for you to continue your junior college study of Oprah on the Lifetime network and for me to start dating your teenage daughter. At least she puts out on the first date.

Signed.

An exasperated man.

Nothing much happened today.

2010-04-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

Which I guess is okay if you are me. I mean who am I to ask for things to happen to me just so I can write them down for you to enjoy.

Number 1.

You don't enjoy anything. So why the hell should I go about the hard task of taking all the mundane shit that happens to me and try to make it seem interesting.

I won't. And I don't.

But at least I am writing in this blog again. I think we can just turn this blog more into a daily journal than a place to go for my creative writing since my creative writing is so shitty anyway.

Poop Watch

I took one today. The house is full of mosquitoes. I am sure that is a coincidence.

My computer is running slow again. I am out of memory. I need a new internal hard drive (or maybe external)/ I need some more RAM as well.

I know I mentioned that before but I think it is important to repeat oneself as much as one can get away with it.

Not that I did here as what I just wrote bored the shit out of me.

I am doing laundry.

That was more boring. But I am not going to worry about that. I am just gonna keep typing because I am going to start writing every day here at this blog.

Like it or not.

I watched 24 today. I made a giant pizza and ate the entire thing.

I told my brother I am not going to get an i-pod touch. I have a classic and I am (one day) going to get an Android based phone so I don't really see the need for an i-pod touch or i-phone.

I hate the new i-pad. Who has money to buy something that is a niche filler and not a necessity?

Fan boys I guess.

I am going to file this post under worst written post ever. I am sorry I wasted your time. I just need to get in the habit of writing every day.

I need to get a PO Box so you can send me drugs through the mail. I hear that is totally safe.

2010-04-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

After 3 weeks of coughing out phlegm I think that the bacteria have finally surrendered, or at least they have figured out a way to peacefully co-exist within my lungs. Either way I am happy. I am done coughing up and spitting mucus into a paper towel or giant noogies on the street.

I've alway found the practice of hocking up mucus to be disgusting- even when I am amazed by the strength and power some men demonstrate when they engage in the practice.

It seems to me that those men are not at all bothered by such a practice and it also seem that those men always have girl friends so it may be the case that I am doing it all wrong and they best way to attract women is to spit something up on the asphalt.

Let me know ladies.*

*your response can't be that yo find the habit disgusting. you need to address the fact that all these men have gf's and I don't. otherwise you two cents ain't worth one.

If you read my other blog (and you also read this blog) then you might want to get a real hobby like taking PCP.

Like I said if you read the other blog (who reads this one?) then you might have gotten the impression that I am calm motherfucker on PCP.

That's not exactly true.

I'm a fucking maniac. I can't even describe what the fuck happened last time I was on it. Let's just say I participated in a number of felonies.

Don't do PCP with your crazy crack head gf. She will want to use the kid she pooped out as fodder for comic relief. And two year olds are not very good at running even from people on PCP.

"Don't worry Bobby, I'm not on PCP anymore."

The kid will fucking believe you know matter how many times you lie to him.

Really, I mean two year old's are almost clinically retarded.

In a side note finding PCP and E is really difficult right now. Damn near impossible. If you can (and it's legal) send me some to my PO BOX. You'd really be helping a mother fucker out.

p.s.s

I'm going to a rave this Saturday. Hopefully I will grab a lot of crotch! I hear chicks go to raves and don't take anything because all the E takers are all love and dovey and not aggressive jerks like most guys who drink.

They have no idea that I get horny as shit on E and I get all crazy intense with my ASS GRABBIN' (registered trademark of the ASS GRABBIN Halloween Costume Company).

Pretty sure I'll get away with it, but we will see.

PSSS

Really bad insomnia for the last month. Also headaches. I wonder if my brain hurts from all the experimenting I'm doing.

Suicide Christmas Cards

2009-12-23T04:37:00.002-07:00

There is always bad weather around Christmas time. The wind won't stop blowing, the rain won't stop falling. Raining down on me like the bullets rained down that night at Columbine.

What a fucking night that must have been!

Dear Mom & Dad

This is just a little card to let you know that I care.

If you were wondering if Uncle Tommy's molesting had something to do with my decision to smash my head like one of those Halloween pumpkins that David Letterman tosses off buildings in his crazy "throw stuff off tall building segments" then you were straight up correcto!

You should really think about getting on that TV show "So you think you are smarter than a 5th grader?"

Because for the first time in your lives...YOU WERE!~

Love,

Billy "your head look a little bit like a pumpkin that got pushed off a 10 story building."

p.s.
Dirty Hairy was right, " A Colt 45 does some magnificent damage."

I should use this blog for something

2009-12-12T04:59:00.000-07:00

My Dumps:

I took a massive stinky dump at midnight. Shit stinks, but the smell from my dump worried me. It was the smell of cancer or sickness. I took another dump earlier today. Though that dump was small. Not even perfunctory. Just like the eraser tip from a pencil. More annoying than anything. The big dump was gray. Better than the black dumps I have had for the last week or more.

Media Consumption:

I watched the Daily Show. Two episodes. I listened to Twilight on the Env3. Book 1 parts 4 and 5. I watched the final 20 minutes of Law Abiding Citizen. I watched Full Moon the movie. Am I turning into a 16 year old girl? How the fuck does Twilight part 2 end with a marriage proposal. I was like "get the fuck out of here!" I know Bella will say yes. I am sure of it!

Hypochondria:

My back hurts. My liver hurts. My liver pain may only be back pain, but you never know. The pain in the liver comes on the lower left hand side of my back. I think I need a new bed. The back pain is worse because of it. I think my testicles have something growing in them. Whatever it is, it is getting bigger.

SEX:

I did not masturbate today.

I found the perfect amauter porn clip

2009-07-20T15:34:00.013-07:00

There is something appealing about getting drunk in the middle of the day. I think the idea is that if you can get drunk in the middle of the day you might also be able to get laid in the middle of the day.

I have some homemade refried bean tostadas waiting for me in the kitchen. I should take a pass on eating them and walk down to the neighborhood bar. If I don't eat I could get drunk fast and afterward walk over to local porn shop. Like most porn shops you can rent movies there, but in addition to the take home videos the local porn shop I go to has private booths where you can watch porn. The owners don't care if you jack off in those booths.

Porn shop jack-off booths are nothing like coming home to your wife in the middle of the day for a blow job. A wife never stares uncomfortably at the tiny cock hanging out of your shorts like the queers at the front of the porn store do.

The queers hang around the front of the store hoping to spot the "first timers" who by mistake find themselves in one of the first 3 booths. The First Timer has no idea that his booth is connected to other booths by windows that have had the glass broken out by hopeful faeries.

I can't explain why "straights" would pick one of the booths with the connecting windows. I guess they just like all the male companionship of jacking off together. You know. Like in the sixth grade when you used to "build" forts out of blankets. Because of the heat from of all those blankets you would strip down to your underwear and your best friend would run his hard on all over your thigh, which you made okay by just pretending that all your friend wanted to do was build forts with you because he said he wanted to be in the military like his dad.

Click here for More Free Porn Movies

This amateur porn clip has it all. The star is an old, fat, hairy, white guy with a small cock. He "comes" in under a minute.

The other star of the clip is the fat disinterested wife.

This couple looks like most of the couples that shop at my grocery store.

The best thing about the clip? EVERYTHING!

The clip starts out showing an obviously drunk and obese middle aged woman. The TV is blaring at her. She sips a drink of her 22 ounce "Full Throttle" energy drink.

The chubby naked husband strolls over to the wife. His cock in full glory at a good 2 or 3 inches. The wife looks at the cock. She can't believe this tiny thing needs to be sucked off to cum.

For the time period from 28 seconds to 45 seconds you can tell she is just phoning in the BJ. But that all changes around 45 seconds. She sucks him good for a few seconds. All it takes is 4 to be exact. After all that attention the husband only needs to jack off for a few more seconds more to come on her face.

The really loving part of the "Lunch Time Blow Job" finale is how the wife runs her face through the husbands cum by shaking her head side to side.

It's the LOVE that makes Amateur Porn great!

I am getting spammed

2009-07-19T04:35:00.002-07:00

I am forcing people to type in those matching words for a few day until the spam bot gets the point. Hopefully we will be back to regular comment posting soon!

The New Podcast

2009-06-15T13:08:00.002-07:00

Not that you noticed but the old Self Help Center Blogcast was deleted by my hosting site. Something about getting bought out by a paid site. Only the assholes at Podcast did not tell me anything about what was going on so I lost a years worth of shows because I don't have most of the podcast saved.

I know none of you like the podcast so none of you care but the podcast was downloaded over 2500 times so maybe a few people out there want to know where I am hosting the new version.

HERE.

A Purposeless Driven Life

2009-05-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

What follows will be part 1 of many :

A Purposeless Driven Life.

A Purposeless Driven Life®

A Magnum Opus by Romius T.

Subtitled: A compendium of all the things I have learned.

There is no purpose to life. A fact you are well aware of.

Two days have passed since your birthday. No one acknowledged your birthday.

No one should have.

By not acknowledging your birthday your friends have given you not just you a gift, but the best gift they can give you. The gift is that of awareness. Awareness of the emptiness of life.

You feel alone. Good. You are alone. There is no god.[1] Even if there is a god, he does not care about you. No serious person could believe in a personal god. But many serious people claim to believe in a non-personal god. I think you call that belief Deism. [2]

In this essay I had hoped to get around talking about the existence of god, but since I brought it up and since so many of you will have some kind of belief in god I guess I might as well tackle the belief head on.

Deism

Deism is not an acceptable answer to the purposeless driven life. That’s because deism allows many of its practitioners to see purpose in the world. The more pernicious deists see agency in nothing more than random patterns. Usually deists see the agency “behind” the phenomenal world.

Many deists see “design” in the universe and believe that means there is a god. [3] But not all deists make such easy to refute claims. Einstein:

"[If you]try and penetrate with our limited means the secrets of nature and you will find that, behind all the discernible laws and connections, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion. To that extent I am, in fact, religious." [My emphasis]

Einstein was a great man. He was also a very smart man. He was much smarter than me. But is what Einstein talking about god? "Yes, you can call it that.”

Actually. No. You can’t. That’s not god.

The awe that humans feel when confronted with the “inexplicable” is understandable and it is what drives every great scientist and philosopher to truth. The desire to make sense of the world is natural. Every child is born with it. Curiosity may not be limited to humans, but it certainly is one of our finer characteristics. But it is a giant leap to go from confusion to god.

Veneration.

The problem with the Veneration of Mystery.

I don’t worship anything I don’t understand. I don’t know why anyone would. That's why I am more of a Troy Aikman kinda guy and less of a Tony Romo kinda guy.[4] Even still. That seems like a personal choice of mine and not a logical argument.[5]

Let me break down the “logical” argument for you in to several parts.

First.

Deists act like Atheists.

Einstein said that he “venerated” the “force behind” the seeming logical consistency of the world. But did he? Did he go to church? Did he light candles? Did he worship? Did he pray? How did he devote himself to the force?

The answer is he did not. That is why Spinoza was excommunicated.[6] And rightfully so. Deists never get around to really doing anything religious. They love a good mystery. They make terrific writers of constitutions, but they really have no place for gods as most people understand them. Because Deists don’t act like religious people they often get confused for Atheists. [7]

Second.

The world may not be so darn comprehensible.[8] Einstein was not a fan of Quantum Mechanics. He once famously said that “god does not play dice with the universe.” He was wrong. God does play dice. Even if god does not play dice I just wanted you to know that I knew that quote by Einstein. Also, I knew that the second I started the sentence “Einstein once famously said…” you expected me to use that quote. So I did.

I guess my point is that if Einstein would have just paid more attention to Quantum Mechanics he might have been an Atheist and saved us all a lot of trouble. [9] But he didn’t. And that is another good reason to dislike religious thinkers. (But that is still not a good enough reason to not believe!)

[1] I know there is no need to instruct you on the silliness of a personal god. All I have to do is point out that Zeus is not real. Nobody prays to Zeus anymore. Speaking of praying. I have no idea why people pray, or light candles. Really! When the fuck did lighting a candle ever do anything? If you think that lighting a candle can do something other than increase your contribution to the alarming growth of green house gasses into the Earth’s atmosphere then you are fooling yourself. What you really believe in is magic. And that is sad. There is no such thing as magic. I know that saying that “there is no such thing as magic” seems like a big claim, and maybe it is. You might even want me to prove. Well I am not gonna. And I think you are an asshole for suggesting to me that I should. By the way, if you believe in magic you can’t claim to be a deist. If you are not a Deist then you are in the same category as the monotheists and the crazy right wing creationists. That category is the crazy folk.

[2] At least the dictionary says it is.

[3] Do I really need to suggest to you that you go and read Kant? If you don’t want to do the research for yourself then you HAVE to take my word for it. The ontological argument is an argument only an idiot could like.

[4] I still think Tony Romo is going to win me and the Dallas Cowboys at least 2 Super Bowls.

[5] If you like big words you might have used aesthetics.

[6] I suppose you don’t know who he is either. Einstein based some of his understanding of the god force on the pantheism of Spinoza, "I believe in Spinoza's God, who reveals himself in the lawful harmony of all that exists, but not in a God who concerns himself with the fate and the doings of mankind."

[7] There is a huge fight between Atheists and theists over Einstein. It seems everybody wants a piece of him.

[8] We could play a bunch of logic games here. If the world is ultimately incomprehensible (i.e. the thing in itself that is the force behind the apparent lawfulness of the universe) how could the world be comprehensible at all? We probably need to read more Kant.

[9] Interesting side note, Einstein’s religious thinking may have clouded his scientific mind to the point that he overlooked Quantum Mechanics and thus avoided reconciling the new science with his theory of relativity ultimately dooming his quest for a theory of everything. The ultimate theory of everything would prove god does not exist which would make this whole introduction parenthetical.

I believe in one less god than you

2009-04-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

YES WE CAN!

2009-04-15T01:58:00.001-07:00

Simply the Funniest thing I have seen in a long time

2009-04-08T23:00:00.001-07:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Baracknophobia - Obey

thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Economic Crisis

Political Humor

Can someone please explain Capitalism to me?

2009-03-08T13:06:00.002-07:00

I don't understand. We have to give trillions of dollars to keep a system afloat that benefits the few over the many. But the only way the system stays alive is if the many give....

We are faced with a real chance to change the world. We are living in a world historic moment. But all we will do is prop up the system again. Until the next crisis.

Trillions of dollars.

We should be focused on making energy free...
We should make every home an energy producer through solar power and recycling. But we won't.

We will just give till it hurts so the rich people who run the world can keep running the world because we are so certain there are no alternatives to the mixed economy we have now....

We deserve what we get....

I write a fan letter to Ricky Gervais, because he has a blog/plus I post pictures of Miley Cyrus' side boob

2009-02-04T01:20:00.005-07:00

Ricky Gervais is one of my favorite comedians.

Dear Ricky Gervais,

I want to say congratulations to you for having a blog (just like me.) Which I guess means we are a lot more alike than I thought. Like you I am short, chubby, and funny. Unlike you I did not find a way still make lots of money and have a big career. I just have this blog. Which means that I spend my time sitting around my house in my undershirt crying and downloading pictures of Miley Cyrus to my computer.

I will post pictures of the side boob of Miley Cyrus on every post I make from now on, or at least as long as I can, and I can't really see any reason not to. (Other than Big Bad Billy Ray Cryus.)

Enjoy the side boobs you monkey perverts.

P.S.

Ricky,

Did you know that google has not gotten around to spelling your name correctly? I would think that google has a list of all the famous people famous enough that people who don't know how to spell would be able to spell the name if the were smart enough to use google spell check. Well you aren't that famous I guess yet, even though you created the office and extras.

I mean I wasn't a big fan of the "original" office. Maybe because it was too British. What the fuck do I know? I hate Monty Python which makes me dead to some people. All I know is I love Extras. I even liked that romantic comedy you made about seeing dead people. So if you are all pissy about me hating on the Office just use all that juice and call Gooogle and tell them how to spell your frakin' name all ready.

Until then I refuse to spell Gooogle's name correctly either.

Cheers,

Romius T.

The one about the personal ad

2009-01-27T04:08:00.007-07:00

So I wrote this devastatingly funny personal ad that I was going to post over at craigslist. Just to gauge things. I am always trying to gauge things. Figure them out. See where I am. I wouldn't need to do this, but my internet girlfriend doesn't take me serious. Why would she? I am not serious. There is nothing serious about me.

EXAMPLE:

I am driving the truck. I am driving an 18 year old girl home from work. We are talking. We talk about how I need to get the truck washed.

"A bird took a crap on my window." I tell her. Then I point to the bird crap. I point to the white stains on my driver's side window.

There is a slight pause in the conversation. Like some one is taking time to think. The 18 year old offers up a proposal. "I'll wash your car for 20 dollars."

I have no idea why this 18 year old thinks I want her to wash my car for 20 dollars. I can wash the car at the automatic car washer for 5 dollars. They even throw in a free vacuum. I just bought a new towel to dry the truck off after it gets washed.

The automatic car washer does a good job with everything except drying. It does not dry the truck completely. That's why I bought the car drying towel. Plus that and it was on clearance at work. I paid 2 dollars for it. The towel is is blue and sticky. It is made out of some kind of strange material from the future. The girl had to move the towel out of the way to sit in the passenger seat. That in and of itself should have been enough of a warning not to suggest such an outrageous fee for washing my car. Clearly I am the kind of guy who can do a bit of manual labor.

"Who would pay 20 bucks to have some kid wash the truck for them?"

"The only way I am going to pay 20 dollars for a car wash is if I get two girls in bikinis to wash the car."

Another pause. Another proposal.

"I could get candy to wash the car with kimmie."

Those are fake names. Those names are so fake that I am sure they have destroyed whatever ability you previously had to suspend disbelief in this story. I want you to know that I know that. That I know how terrible those fake names are. I want apologize for the fake names, for such bad and terrible fake names. I am sorry that I couldn't even think of anything remotely believable.

I tell the 18 year old that she should get the two girls from work that are pregnant to wash the truck. That would be hot. Preggo Car Washers. They should start a business.

"Oh no...my water just broke!" The 18 year old makes a joke.

"They could wash the car with that." I tell the 18 year old.

"You shouldn't say that." The 18 year old says. She objects to my joke. She thinks you should just keep that thought to yourself. "You can't say that out-loud." She chastises me. She knows it is natural to have the thought. She says that she thought the same thing, she just thinks you can't say that kind of thing out loud.

"Oh, no." I tell her. "You have to say that kind of thing out loud."

BACK TO THE STORY

Instead of posting the personal ad, I sent the e-mail to an online profile I picked at random. Again. Just to gauge things. Just to see if it was funny. If it was interesting. If it was good.

What am I doing? I feel guilty. I shouldn't have sent the e-mail.

I have no idea if I should feel guilty. Me and the internet girlfriend are not "going out." We are not in a relationship. I mean sure. I did buy her a diamond ring. A huge diamond ring. Maybe 100 carrots. And we will get married one day. Assuming she is foolish enough to say yes. Foolish enough to move to Arizona.

The message I sent was not really the personal ad that I was going to write. I ended up sending some (sorta) funny thing that was ignored by the recipient.

The original piece was really more like a blog post. I had it all planned out, but I had to go to work. So I lost it. It was good too. One of the best things I have ever written. As funny as anything on Craigslist that gets posted over at Fark.com. It was so damn good it might have gotten me laid.

I do remember at one point near the end I go into some tangential point about how I am sick of the "weariness" of women on craigslist.

All the women on Craigslist are weary. They are tired. They are looking for something that they can never get. A good man.

I remember thinking that I should write a "weary" post too. I am so tired of hearing how weary you are that I would prefer to have a man with the Ebola virus vomit all over me. In the post I was to write I make a descriptive comment about his yellow teeth. I have fucked up the remembrance of this thought.

It was shocking and came out of nowhere. Just this vile description of the Ebola virus. How the weariness of craigslist women bothers me like the infection from an ingrown toe nail. Yellow and full of puss. Trickles of blood.

The man's face is melting. He is puking in my lap. I see his yellow teeth. I see the steaming hot puke pile on my lap. It collects in my trousers. It soaks through to my skin. I feel wet. I am bathed in the virus. I am drenched in puke.

The lesson here for women on Craigslist is that they need not be weary.

The other lesson is that puke is not much of a turn on.

The final lesson is that some people may insist that your efforts to find new readers by posting blogs faking as personal ads seem to them like a breach of trust. Even if it is not.

I am a man of action, full of plans

2009-01-26T13:58:00.003-07:00

I still write for this blog. Even though I have no idea why. This blog gets 5 hits a day when I am not posting on it. The Karl Marx Blog gets 50 hits a day and I haven't written on it for months.

All that is going to change soon. So is the focus of this blog and TKMB. I am going to post random stuff on this blog. I am going to post links and stories, and I am going to write some kind of memoiry blog novella here--in between all the other crap.

The Karl Marx blog is going to get a face lift. I am going to get more superficial and less stuffy on it.

I hope you enjoy the changes and I hope it makes you decide to come back to this blog and read it again.

If not then nothing has really changed anyway.

I get hit on from the Philippines

2009-01-21T14:30:00.004-07:00

I know you may find it difficult to believe but I just got a message from a girl who lives in the Philippines. Actually the message wasn't really from the girl who lives in the Philippines, but from her Aunt who lives in Mesa, Arizona and there really wasn't a message, I just noticed that a I got a profile view from someone on one of the many online dating services I signed up for.

Since I never pay for any of the services all I have access to is the free stuff these pay sites offer which is just enough to entice you to pay for something that in fact will be a rip off because no one really hooks up online.

The online profile written by the aunt says the girl is 20 and is looking for an online and long distance relationship with a man. The girl's aunt requests that the man must be at least 28 years of age. I guess that is because Asian women like older white guys. And because trips overseas cost real money and in no way are payable from your winnings at World of Warcraft.

The girl is pretty hot. She plays guitar. I think I my have to see if I can bring her over to the United States. Any donations to this site that can get me to the Philippines, or my new Asian girlfriend over to America will be appreciated!

BOB LARSON IS A NUT JOB

2009-01-05T16:40:00.001-07:00

Here are a few articles uncovering the scam that is Bob Larson. I am headed over to his church on Tuesday. I assume it will HELLA fun. Who knows? I hope I don't have to pay to get in. I hope Bob will be giving a sermon or something, maybe even a few EXORSICMS. Though I think you have to pay to get that shit. Nothing is free. Not even God's love.

A list of things you should not have to worry about, but that sometimes I do anyway

2009-01-01T02:54:00.003-07:00

The thing about having big man tits and a small cock is that you have to worry constantly about being considered a SHE-male. (The link is NSFW) For instance most SHE-males are really just dudes with big tits and small cocks, so you can see how their can be confusion.

I don't date a lot of SHE-males, but I do date regular girls every once and while. And most of those girls are the kinda girls who seem to date guys who are into SHE-males and those girls always seem to call me up and share with me their new boyfriends "fixation" with SHE-Males.

I don't have any good advice for these girls and I get the feeling they are just trying to get information from me about my habits when it comes to SHE-males and if I like them or think they are sexy or look just like real girls.

The truth is that most of the women I date are lesbians, because lesbians are ugly and as we all know the ugly are super horny and super horny (fat) lesbian chicks are the only chicks with enough balls to ask a dude out and spread it right away.

I have no idea if the Lesbians I date are turning the men they meet gay or just by the fact that if you date enough BETA-males like me you are bound to find one that takes his BETANESS too far and into the territory of getting all hot and spicy for SHE-males.

I assume the latter, but really, what the fuck do I know? The only thing I know for sure is that the majority of men who get turned on by SHEmales imagining their cocks in those big breasts, the golden flecks of bleached hair and imagine fucking man pussy are the kinda guys who want the nastiest of stereo typed beauty. The big fake tits. The bleach blond hair. The flat ass. The Cosmo girl.

Only these guys know they have no chance in the real world f0r a chick that fits their dreams. They are too disgusting to pull real pussy. They know instead if they are ever to get any thing like the hot chicks on TV that the girl has to come attached with a dick. The fantasy of fucking a She male is really the fantasy of a man who knows he can't get real pussy and the only pussy he will ever get is man-pussy.

The really sad thing is that these SHEmale bitches are super diva and really think that they are women and so unless you send away for a mail order (male-order haha, fuck you Maddox) she male they will never get the quality of she male that might be able to pass at a quick glance as a woman. Instead they will have to take a man dressed as a woman to the high school reunion and not a damn person will be impressed because people don't want to give a shit about your openness and inclusiveness when your openness and inclusiveness means your just fucking some dude in a dress.

I hate to be the guy that tells you that, but if you are talking to my exgf she ain't telling you much different.

Dear Mrs. Steve Nash, Is Steve Nash a Racist?

2008-11-14T13:49:00.010-07:00

Dear Mrs. Steve Nash,

I know it's been a long time since I sent you a fan letter, but is has also been a long time since your husband has been in the news or done anything worthy of getting my attention.

Also this whole fan letter thing never caught on with my readers since most of my readers are Internet geeks who don't play sports and hate jocks because they are always getting the crap kicked out of them by guys like your husband.

The rest of my readers are women and most women hate sports except for those stalker groupie women who love the free meal ticket that a professional ball players salary and fame can get them.

Obviously, I am not talking about you Mrs. Nash. I am talking about those nasty skanks like Shaune Bagwell (above) who try and bed themselves a millionaire by having unprotected sex and getting knocked up just so they can sit at home all day and get fat. And of course I am talking the 6 women who have illegitimate children with Seattle Supersonic star Shawn Kemp.

The reason I am writing you is I just wanted to let you know that a lot of bloggers out there are calling Steve Nash a racist because he went after a black basket ball player during a fight that broke out between the Suns and Houston Rockets.

I know Steve did not cause the fight. That was cheap shot artist Matt Barnes. He was the asshole that started every thing. All Steve did was make sure that Alston got his hat handed to him after sticking up for himself.

I don't think that makes Steve a racist, but plenty of other people do.

Just some advice

2008-11-11T12:37:00.006-07:00

I drive by a couple of high schools on my way to work every day. And by drive by I mean I drive a few miles out of my way so that I can watch all the teen girls clamoring around the bus stop pretending not to be watched by all the pedophiles parked along the curb in thier 1987 Buick Skylarks.

Unlike those losers I have a plan to pick up the girls. Mostly the plan is to wink at all the girls I see as they run through the cross walk. When that doesn't get me enough attention I usually honk my horn at them. I think that tells the girls that I am not just some older guy with a car and the ability to buy them beer, but that I am also way into them.

Honking at the girls doesn't work. I think some of them just think it is kinda "creepy" to honk at a random girl in a crosswalk, so sometimes I pull over and and ask the girls if they have seen my lost puppy, because it does not matter how long that scam has been run it is still the best thing going, because teen girls craveattention even more than they love puppies and candy. And teen girls love puppies enought to get in the back of a van with me.

Fat chicks get more sex than you

2008-11-03T15:20:00.005-07:00

I don't get a lot of credit for the stuff I do. Like when I went and got myself a new phone from Verizon I don't think I got a shout out from anyone telling me how amazed they were that my credit wasn't as bad as you assume it to be, because a wireless carrier actually gave me a phone and a 2 year contract.

Another thing, I get comments all the time telling me that I don't post enough even though those people rarely read all three of my blogs, much less subscribe to the podcast on I-tunes. When you add up all the extra posts I have on Bathos it is just like I post once a day at the Self Help Center. I won't mention that you should be taking the time to read all my links and archival material. I believe I was the guy who trade marked the term "incomparable archives." I know you guys hate reading more than you have to but if you see a link to another part of this blog you really need to read it. My link to why fat chicks love sex is more scientific than the article you will read in the mainstream press.

SCIENCE PROVES WHAT DRUNK GUYS HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS:
FAT CHICKS LOVE SEX!

Anybody who follows this blog knew fat chicks are horny. But now you don't have to take my word for it. Now there is scientific proof that fat chicks love sex more than normal sized girls, and in addition they have much more sex than average sized girls.

I know this is only good news for you since you have such a hard time getting laid with regular sized girls, so you might as well give up on them and try for the sure thing that a box of little debbies and a 12 pack of Icehouse beer will get you, and by get you, I mean sloppy vag.

I don't care how clean a fat chick is you know she has a sloppy pussy. I think that is because her lubrication juices are constantly running. I think I have made the whole "fat chicks squeal like pigs when you insert your penis in them joke" so I won't bother using it again here. But fat chicks do love insertion more than other chicks. I think that's what makes having sex with fat chicks so much fun. Fat chicks don't get all "clitoral" on you and only a chump virgin like you could go and misinterpret that as desperation. When all it really is, is god's plan.

A lot of guys will tell you that they enjoy sex with fat chicks because they are grateful for the dick that you give them. I think that is a very offensive statement, but importantly it is also a false statement.

Fat girls get as much sex as they want. Most guys will sleep with a fat chick even if it is just for the night. And we can't forget how black men love big women. I know it is true that white guys don't like a big ass or a large sized woman, but we white guys take what we can get sometimes and because we are all hornier than women in general white guys always find themselves hitting on the fat girl in the corner of the bar by herself.

I don't even know why I write this blog

2008-10-29T22:46:00.003-07:00

I wasn't going to repeat the title of this post in the first sentence, but I don't know why I write on this blog anymore. If I knew how to combine both of these blogs into one I would do it in a heart beat.

I just wrote a long attack piece against the enemies of democracy. I spent almost 2 hours writing that answer to Mark Greggs ridiculous email. But I get no love for it. That's because I only have one follower on Bathos and I am certain only 3 or 4 of the people who read the Self Help center read this blog too.

I have to tell you if you are taking the time to read every single post I make on the Self Help Center you need to be reading this blog too. Think of it as the same damn blog only with the occasional video or film review. It's like getting twice as many of my posts if you were just reading Self Help by itself.

Just to give you a reason to read this blog more often I will update Bathos readers on my phone situation. My phone works now. It was pretty easy to get the phone activated. I just had to dial *288 or something and it all worked it's way out. I don't have any idea why LEtsTalk did not include a sheet of paper with my package telling me what to do. It would save them a lot of money. I would not have to call them to have them tell me something so simple.

LEtsTalk also told me that Verizon should be able to give me my discount and that since I have verizon I have my in-calling all set up so it is all good. Now I just have to figure out how to get my refund of out them and all will be right with the world. I guess I would recommend getting a phone from letstalk if you avoid the refund phones. They have lots of deals without the refund and if you are looking for a phone and and they have it cheaper I would not scare you away from getting it with them. Just realize you are signing an agreement not to terminate with them or you will get a 250 charge on top of the 200 dollar charge that your provider will most likely have. That can add up.

Romius T,

Mark Gregg is the new "Joe the Plumber."

2008-10-28T00:53:00.009-07:00

I get e-mails all the time from the right wing of this country. The latest one going around comes from some guy who likes to call himself, Mark, "I am not a racist I am just calling you an angry black man" Gregg.

Mark writes a letter (you might want to read the letter before reading this post!) where he declares that "I am respectfully providing you with seven simple reasons why I could never vote for you."

He starts the letter out very respectfully by pointing out the fact that Barrack is not "the messiah." Classy. Real classy. I am sure none of Gregg's readers infer the connection to Obama being the Anti-Christ. I am sure Gregg is not inflaming the apocalyptic temper of the religious nut jobs who can't wait for the end of times.

Gregg then proceeds to enumerate the reasons for not voting for Obama.

Reason # 1

Obama picked an experienced, smart, worldly Senator who is known on both sides of the aisle to be a "decent family man and not an Arab." (Actual John McCain quote about Barrack Obama).

Gregg would like us to believe that Obama is a "hypocrite" because Obama campaigned on the mantra of change. And then Obama went and picked himself a liberal, inside-the-beltway Senator.

I sure don't understand the criticism. I guess the confusion occurs to Greg and this years spate of Republicans easily because none of them seem to know what the Vice President does. The Vice President does not run things. That will be the Presidents job.

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT MEAN THING ABOUT REPUBLICANS NOT KNOWING WHAT THE VICE PRESIDENT DOES? THAT WAS MEAN!

Well we know Dick Cheney doesn't know what the VP does. He has been running the show in Washington for the last 8 years. I don't know that even a hard core Republican could dispute that. If you want to dispute that fact, try watching The DARK SIDE. I know it comes from PBS. But just watch it anyway.

Of course Sarah Palin famously does not know what the VP does. She has been asked that question 3 or 4 times by reporters and she still has not given the correct answer.

I know you Republicans love to make up the rules as you go, but the Constitution to the Unites States of America provides the only legitimate delineation of the powers and scope of the office of the Vice Presidency. I did not read in the Constitution where the VP could get all hockey mom in the Senate and make policy changes. I think you get to Vote if there is a tie or something. Yeah, I seem to remember that.

The rebuttal point (to point number one) from Gregg is that the President will be making decisions, not the VP. Unless Dick Cheney is still VP. Because of some kind of economic crisis that allows the Executive to order the cancelling of the vote. But that could not happen. I mean it's not like Bush signed an executive order giving him permission to do that. Oh. I guess he did. No worries. I am sure that won't happen.

The rest of paragraph has nothing to do with reasons not to vote for a Democrat. The rest of the paragraph deals with why Obama has attacked Sara Palin. Even though Sara is hot and totally awesome with her "maverickiness" and her "gettin' all them quagmires out of the Alaska" and all.

Gregg states that Obama has "slammed" the McCain ticket over the choice of Palin as VP because "she is NOT a Washington insider."

No. The Obama campaign has slammed the choice of Governor Hockey Mom "If it moves I shoot it" because of her lack of experience, because she is an ultra-right wing religious nut job that is rabidly opposed to abortion rights-but supports a witch hunting preacher, because she seems dumb, and because she "looks out at her back door in Alaska" and sees the floating head of Putin. I worry. I worry that Palin makes George W. Bush look like a Mensa member.

Reason #2

Reason number 2 starts out with a lie. Greg falsely claims that "Obama has single most liberal voting record in the senate." I'm sorry. That statement is so blatantly misleading, and such an obvious lie, that only an ignoramus could miss it. Mr. Obama is no where near the most liberal Democrat. I wonder how our dear Ted Kennedy would feel about being considered less liberal than Barrack. Or perhaps Mark forgets the dearly departed Paul Wellstone. Other than the National Review (which now admits to flaws in their study) Obama is ranked as the 10th most liberal Senator in the US Senate.

"This indicates to me and others like me that you may very well be an angry black man seeking to punish our country for sins of a different generation."

Wow.

"I am not racist."

Okay.....

Just being a liberal means you can be labeled angry? And I guess being very liberal really just means what that you are an ANGRY BLACK MAN. I have to ask Mark. Why did you say ANGRY BLACK MAN? You could have said an angry man, an angry liberal, but you didn't you said an ANGRY BLACK MAN.

I mean let's not even cover the fact that you assume all liberals to be "angry." That's just silly. Are all Conservatives angry? Maybe you mean radicals and not liberals. I don't know. Are all radicals angry? I guess you would say so. But I still don't see the reason you mention that he is an angry BLACK man. Maybe he is just "upset."*

*Being upset over injustice might be a good thing. Let's think of it as the opposite of being apathetic. Oh, I am sorry about the footnotes. I hate footnotes too!

I mean I know why I might mention that he was an angry black man. Angry black people scare me too. I mean I know that black people have a lot to be angry about with slavery and all. I guess you could add Jim Crow laws and segregation. If you were a Republican you could even add the soft bigotry of low expectations from liberals and I think what you called "the veil of self-imposed prejudicial bondage."* I don't know what that is, but it does not sound like something I want. I was glad to hear that after your family met you they were able to 'de-cloak' themselves from the misty veils of self sabotage and false consciousness.

*You can't go stealing ideas like False Consciousness around a Marxist like me without at least some kind of attribution. I mean Karl Marx thought of that first. Let's give my man his due. MmK? Just another quick question Mark, just how is it you know about False Consciousness since it is a totally communist bit of propaganda? Did you go to college?

So I guess Black people have a lot to be angry about. Probably not as much as American Indians. But we took all their land and killed them just so we wouldn't have to think about them.

It was not enough for Mark to call Barack Obama an "angry black man." He had to call Mrs. Obama an angry black woman. Mark is mad because Michelle Obama forgot how we saved the world from the Nazis.

For the record, I want to say that I too am glad that we killed the Nazis. Also, I think we should only look back at American history and talk about the good parts. We should skip all the bad stuff that might speak to an "angry black person" so that when she speaks about being proud of America (as a black person**) that all of us getting past our prejudices and electing a black man might just be one of the greatest accomplishments this country has ever achieved, (not better than going to the Moon) and we could hold that shit over Europe for a long time, because even though Euro's will elect a woman (god I hope not here!) they sure as shit won't vote a blacky in.

Nah. We should just stick to admonishing anyone who doesn't whitewash* our view of history. I say love it or leave it baby. Stop trying to make us better, I like America the way it is.

* Pun intended.

** get it? she was saying "as a black woman" there ain't much to be proud about a country that had you in chains, but then she said she could be real proud of how we white folk turned it around by taking the Obamas so serious like. that was mighty nice of her (also mighty uppity of her.)

REASON NUMBER 3

I like reason number three the most because you claim "the bible" (though you don't tell us 'which' bible or even what part of the bible) says that poor people should starve to death.

I looked it up and I think you might be right* on this one.

*Bible says lots of funny things. Like I wonder if your wife was a virgin when you married her. If she wasn't I will gladly help you to stone her to death so that you can get back in God's good graces. Oh, I might add that I looked it up and you are wrong. Jesus says that you need to give me all your money, carry my coat, and let me slap you in the face. And if you don't like me making fun of Jesus then you have to forgive me, cuz Jesus said so.

REASON NUMBER 4

In question 4 you bring up the Reverend Rick Warren. You say that he isn't a Reverend? Can I still call him that?

Mark in reason number 4 then you mention something about pay grades and I can only guess that was to show off all your expertise on obscure federal labor rules regarding pay scales and seniority. I have read your point a few times and frankly I am as confused by it as I am confused by doing my own taxes.

Either way I am not too sure that the President of the United States needs to be able to articulate a position on the metaphysical existence of the soul in clumps of cells the size of a period.

But I guess people like you really need that. What you are really saying in your cowardly bureaucratic jargon is that abortion is wrong. I get that. But just say it. Abortion is wrong. Abortion is murder. Kill the killers.

I mean I know that you know that Laura Bush had a secret abortion (I read about it on the internets) and you also know that most people don't want to outlaw abortion-even if they think it is despicable or immoral. I think you might even know that Obama is pro-choice and has never wavered in his support of choice. I am not exactly sure where the secrete agenda is that you have found hidden in Barrack's refusal of Warren's gamesmanship. But I am sure it has something to do with implanting the mark of the beast in every newborn child's hand.

Can I just say that I think Warren is fat. I don't know why his fat bothers me and my own does not. Maybe because I blame the media or giant corporations for all the ills of the world that happen to me and I blame Rick Warrens fat on gluttony which I heard was a sin punishable by stoning.

REASON NUMBER 5

Reason number 5 brings up the Nazis again. Mark suggests that Obama's defining characteristic is one of appeasement. Mark says that we can't have no appeasement like back in 1932 or whatever because appeasement was what got us that no good Hitler.

I will again say to any who will listen that I don't like Hitler. I especially thought his treatment of Jews was "uncool" to say the least.

Of course what is worse appeasement or support? George Bush's grand pappy was fined for helping the Nazis. Ronald Reagan created the modern jihadist movement when he battled communism and took down the Ruskies in Afghan in that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think it was Rambo III. It was a good movie, but I don't think it was worth all the trouble they've been causing us since then.

I guess we could also mention how much the Bush's love them some Bin Laden. Of course if I remember correctly the last attack from Al-Queda came from 15 guys with box cutters. I say we can take'em. I know the current administration does not believe that. I guess that is why they let Bin Laden get away from us when we had him surrounded. I guess that is why Bush said he doesn't even care about Bin Laden that "he doesn't lose any sleep over him" (another real life quote!)

"But that ain't McCain!" You scream. That's Bush. Bush loves Osama not McCain.

That's right. McCain has a secret plan to get Osama Bin Laden that he has not shared with the government and will not share with Barrack Obama if Obama wins the election. He's actually said that.

Well he said he had a secret plan. So I gotta ask why he has not told someone in the Army this. I would love nothing better to get that guy. But I guess McCain would rather win an election that kill the biggest mass murderer of Americans by terrorism. Talk about your Country First!

REASON NUMBER 6

"You and your party tacitly believe that a 13 or 14 year old girl must have the parents approval to have the school nurse provide them with a Tylenol when they have a headache at school. Yet, this same girl can become pregnant and the school can skirt her off to a clinic and abort the child in her body without the parents knowing or being notified. This scares the hell out of me. You have two little girls. Would you be upset if this happened to them and you were not informed? Then why do you stand for this? It makes no sense to me."

Mark, you've figured it out. We secretly believe that a nurse should have the ability to hand out Tylenol to a student only if the parents sign a permission slip. We also believe permission slips should be needed for things like chocolate milk, soda, and attending seminary classes.

We never tell the world that school nurses are trained professionals and we are confident in their ability to administer over the counter medication. How can I be upset that you are on to this part of the plan we Dem's have?

I am upset that you discovered our little plan to save some money via universal healthcare and allow school nurses to "wisk" your children away to the janitorial supply room with a coat hanger to rip out your child's unborn. I can tell you from experience that coat hangers are cheap, but messy. I am sure very few Democrats support things like getting doctors or judges to sign off on abortions. We democrats know that you can always get your parents permission to abort one of the mongrel offspring you implanted in your child. Because daddy should get to visit his baby's vagina first.

REASON NUMBER 7

Up till this point, Mark, I thought you did a good job of hiding how stupid you are. But then you just had to go and let it out. Point 7 has something to do with how Obama is worrisome, because a few of his supporters(out of his millions) cozy up with the likes of people like Hugo Chavez.

We can't have that. We cannot have people in the country cozing up to vicious killers. I mean it's not like the government of the United States of America has ever propped up dictatorships. We over here in the good ol' USA would never support regimes like Augusto Pinochet, Ferdinand Marcos, The Shaw of Iran, or the countless brutal and authoritarian governments that we have set up as proxies in Central America and around the globe. I mean I am sure we were the first government to get all of our money out of South Africa because of the practice of Apartheid.

Oops. I guess we didn't. My guess is Republicans don't like Hugo Chavez because unlike Republicans he gets elected to office. I know how you guys hate democracy and all. You are far more comfortable with being appointed to the presidency by the Supreme Court.

IN CLOSING

I am sure none of the reasons you listed have anything to do with race. But they also have nothing to do with reality, or the truth. You racist pig and supporter of fascism!

Yours Truly,

Romius T.

I work 12 days in a row

2008-10-27T12:33:00.003-07:00

I was going to work on my long form piece about how Barrack Obama is the Mikhail Gorbachev of the American Left. But when I explained my idea to a few friends none of them got it. They did not see the connection, and I have to admit there really is none. Other than the connection all the right wing nuts see because they assume Obama is a Marxist.

I am sure one day I will finish the article and I will post it. Until then I wait for the Fed EX guy to bring me my phone. I woke early this morning. I was tossing and turning at 8 am jumping up at every noise that sounded like a knock at the door. None of the sounds I heard was from the Fed Ex guy knocking, just the random sounds of my ghetto neighborhood.

I decided to write this post even though I have to go work in like 15 minutes. Today is the 8th straight day I have worked, and you would think that would make me rich, but you are wrong. Somehow I will end up with only 32 hours this week. I forgot to pick my schedule this week and ended up with three days. I had to beg for a couple of day from co-workers and since my co-workers are lazy that was pretty easy. What that means is that I have a bunch of 4, 5 and 6 hours shifts that nobody wanted and I had to put off my day off until Friday. That sucks for me because I am burned out on this job.

Speaking of burning things I am going to go make some Corn Beef and Cabbage. I will add some red potatoes to my crock pot and when I get home tonight I will feast like it is St. Patty's Day. I even have left over Tecate beer to swig it down with.

Things are looking up.

Not really, but I do like me some Corn Beef.

An open letter to my "crazy" Barack Obama fearing Mom

2008-10-12T15:38:00.015-07:00

Mom,

I'm sorry to hear your point of view on Barrack Obama. I do not worry about Barrack. I am not concerned that he is a closet Communist/Muslim who may or may not be bringing "the end times."

I worry that he is less liberal than Bill Clinton. His voting record and political career suggests he is a moderate always looking to compromise. Despite his drawbacks I can not vote for anyone else.

I do not want anything to do with the right wing of this country. Bush won a "compromised" election in 2000. Since then he cut taxes on the wealthy, suspended the 4th amendment,spied on Americans, allowed terrorists to attack our country, used signing statements to subvert the rule of law, started 2 wars (and lied to invade Iraq who had nothing to do with 9-11), smashed the separation of church and state, drove the nation into massive debt, gave away trillions of dollars to corporate powers, the list goes on. What is the difference between our country and the "fascism" of Fascism? We do not kill Jews. Yet.

What we don't need is more pandering to the religious right in this country. I am not worried that Barrack is secretly a black power, Muslim bent on subverting what is left (so very little left) of our constitution by converting us by the sword to Islamic belief. I am far more worried about Palin's insane religious views, because they represent a portion of the mainstream of American thought. The alleged Islamic beliefs of Obama would find no support from Americans. The hyper unreal beliefs of right winged religious nuts like Sarah Palin and George Bush inform there every policy move and are supported by members of the moral majority.

Even if all the attacks against Obama were true, I would have faith in the power of the Constitution to restrain Obama from killing all the white people. If the people in government can convince George W. Bush that he does not get a third term, they can convince Obama that he should continue to masque his Muslim beliefs in his self proclaimed love of Christianity.

I am not at angry at all with you; however, I should point out to you though (if you are not aware) that I am an Atheist and a card carrying member of the Communist Party (USA). I vote Democratic because that party represents at least a brake on the corporate institutions which dominate the political landscape. But my beliefs are firm and I have considered them carefully.

Since I am an Atheist and Communist I would like nothing more than to smash the economic system we live in. We live in a country that "Socializes" the risk of entrepreneurial capitalism, but privatises the gains. I see no reason to worry that Obama will bring communism. We have socialism here already, but it is socialism for the rich. The bailouts are just the latest example of this.

I would like nothing more than to see our country return to clear dividing wall between church and state. I take no comfort in knowing that a republican president would protect my right to not believe. A republican comes down on the side of the moneyed interests and religion, not the working class and free thinking.

The video you suggested has been flying around the country for quite some time and has been debunked on numerous occasions. I assume proof at this point will not suffice. I will not offer any.

I could adopt the strategy of the anti-Obama people and remind you that at the first debate Obama wore an American flag pin and McCain did not. That Sarah Palin's church has witch doctors, they lay hands on her, they are Pentecostal which means they play with snakes and talk in tongues. That Sarah Palin's husband belongs to an Alaskan secessionist group ( The Alaska First Party) a group that so hates America they make Iran look like our best friend.

You can find videos of the leader of this hate group saying things I would not have said about this country when white men were allowed to own black men. Sarah Palin gave speeches to this group. She may allow Alaska to leave the Union if she gets to be president (and don't we need Alaska's gas?)

The video below shows Sarah Palin telling a treasonous group that they do great work.

I have seen videos of Sara getting healed by her pastor and "hands placed upon her" as she thanks this witch burning doctor (he brags he hunts down witches like there is something called a witch that has powers and needs to be cured of her demons -Palin nods her head during all this because she agrees. Then she gets up and tells the witch burning doctor "thanks" for "givin' her the governorship."

I could make a video as scary as the video you saw and if you did not know any better would make you run for the Canadian border if McCain won. To sum up: I do not believe Barack Obama is the anti-Christ.

(If he were is it not "god's will"? I find the second point to be dangerous and typical of the right wing extremist position. I am sure that (deleted) women believes something to that effect.)

I must say I am surprised at your conversion to religious dogma. When did this occur? I can not as a child recall you ever using religious tinged explanations to describe the empirical or phenomenal world (that is the world of experience).

As a child I do not recall any conversation about God with you, or your belief in him. I do recall attending memaw's church. I recall after Dad left you never took us to church again. I know Aunt D. was a Catholic and I knew you and Dad had some vague belief in a "Christian" god. I know know that Aunt N. was churchy. She watched all those preachers who talk of prosperity all the while asking for donations at every oppurtunity. Religion was kept to Sunday in our house (and only a few Sundays) and talk of God's will would have sounded absurd.

I know that good Baptists like to leave it up to the individual to come to terms with choosing god. I always assumed that is why you left me the choice to believe or not to believe. I've always considered that to be your finest parenting gift.

I would just like to ease your fears.

Obama is less liberal than Bill Clinton who was just a liberal Republican in sheep's clothing. The End Times is not coming. Obama is not the closet Anti-Christ that is thought to be foreseen in the book of Revelations (no matter what your good friend g. thinks) nor is he a secret buddy of Osama Bin Laden.

FUN FACT: Did you know that George H. W. Bush was having a meeting with Osama Bin Laden's family around the time of 911?

"George H. W. Bush attended an investment meeting at the Washington, D.C. Ritz-Carlton hotel on September 10, 2001 and in particular a meeting with Shafiq bin Laden, representing joint interests of the Saudi Binladin Group and Carlyle."

IF you are concerned at all with terrorism and links to the Osama Bin Laden look no further than the Bush clan. There are a number of conspiracy videos that link 9-11 to the US government and George Bush. I think the most popular one is a movie called Zeitgeist. You could google it.

It will scare you. It also talks about the Federal Reserve System, the illegal nature of payroll taxes on Americans, and the weirdly similar nature of Egyptian gods to the the story of the risen Christ that purports to expose the Christian god as untrue.

I am not worried that Obama will lead us to the end of times. I am worried that if Palin gets into power she will bring on Armageddon because she wants 'the end of times' so she can be with her Jesus. I think she'd push the bomb and blow us all to hell. Barrack is just a democrat. He will bow to the media, corporate powers, the right wing, and all the special interests that all the other politicians bow to. Obama is simply the better choice for working people, and that is how I decide who I vote for.

The attacks you have read about Obama come from the some place that attacked McCain for having a black baby out of wedlock in South Carolina. They are the same "swift boat" attacks that said John Kerry was a coward even though he served in Vietnam and was shot at. (Unlike that coward GW.) I know Kerry said things that veterans (and your husband) don't like, "Stop the war we are massacring people."

(I'm sorry 3 million dead in Vietnam is not a massacre it is genocide. American history is full of Genocide. Natives, black slavery, The Philippines, Panama, etc.)

Mom, the video and other attacks you read on Obama are just swift boat attacks, they are swift boat in nature, they reveal themselves as swift boatian in the light of careful reasoning.

I would ask you to consider how the Democratic Party missed all the claims you hear. Why is there nothing in the mainstream media? Why would not John McCain say something in a debate in front of 65 million people? McCain loves his country. If McCain thought Obama was a Muslim terrorist, (and if the claims that accuse him are so backed in fact and truth) would he not have a moral duty to expose Obama for the fraud that he is?

Is McCain part of a secret plan to get the Anti-Christ in power? Is he Judas in the last days? Do you not worry about the rationality of the arguments that are needed to anchor such ideas?

One can disagree about the direction of this Country.

I think our country has been going down hill for 8 years.

One can disagree about if we need change.

I think only a complete rejection of the Bush Doctrine will enable our Country to prosper and survive.

One can make a case for either candidate to help.

But I think one candidate will continue the policies of the last 8 years and the other will offer us hope and real change.

But the idea that Obama is not a loyal American that he is a black extremist, or secret communist who is bent on subverting the constitution and handing our Christian saved souls over to Caliph of the Dajjal* does not bear scrutiny. It does not rise to the level of rational plausibility.

Visit the website stopthe smears to learn about Barack Obama's side to the questions that have been raised by these attacks.

Next year when Barrack Obama lowers your taxes you will have a laugh at all this. You will stop worrying that Kenya is going to invade the US. And I will spend my tax rebate on a trip to Florida. You will see. It will all be ok. I promise.

Your son.

p.s. The government reads your e-mail.
*(The antichrist of muslim theology)

Why fat chicks love sex more than you

2008-10-11T15:19:00.003-07:00

I was told I was fat because I have lifestyle issues not because, "it is in my DNA." Life style issues? I don't know what that guy is talking about. I don't have any life style "issues." I like my lifestyle. I have been drinking coke and surfing the net all day. I drove to McDonald's for lunch so I could buy a Big Mac Meal because they have their Monopoly promotion on again.

I have to say that buying Big Macs is a great investment strategy right now with the Stock Market in the tubes and all. For 7 dollars I got a large Bic Mac meal and two bags of ice. The super sized Big Mac meal came with 6 free chances to win a prize, so I feel like I am finally on the road to financial recovery.

Friday my work reissued my lost payroll check. I cashed it and took all the money to 7-11 to pay my electric bill. The kiosk took all my money, but it did not credit my account. I called the customer service number and they promised me that the money is going to be credited soon. "Maybe Wednesday or Thursday." The operator said. I told her that was kinda shady and she told me to stop eating chocolate graham crackers and cola after eating a Big Mac for lunch. I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, but she has a point. I'm fat. And because I am fat I promised to tell you the secreet to why fat chicks love sex. I will, but hang on for a second. I'm not done talking about me yet.

I need to buy a tire, because I got a flat the other day. I think the tire is going to cost me a hundred bucks. I haven't made a truck payment to Card Shard this month. I need to do that this week, or at least at some point this month. I need to shop around for cheaper car insurance, because 120 dollars a month is too much to pay for a 2001 truck.

I do have some good news on the finance side. I have not received the bill for the internet which means I can still blog at home for you before I go to work. I won 280 dollars at poker last night. My share is 140 dollars and with it I can buy a new tire even if Walmart refuses to honor the warranty Card Shark says he has on the flat.

I have 21 minutes before I need to get ready for work and I am down to my last chocolate graham cracker cookie and I have not even started all the research I need to do in order to deliver to you my newest report on why fat chicks love sex so much.

My initial hypothesis is an extension of an earlier theory I had on why the retarded love sex so much. If the mentally retarded are going to survive in the world they need to reproduce at a higher rate than the non-retarded. That is why evolution equips the retarded with an almost insatiable curiosity for sex. The retarded are constantly playing with themselves and dry humping unsuspecting visitors anytime some one knocks at the door.

I am not sure about "legally," but ethically you can't rape a retard because they love sex so much. I am pretty sure the same thing goes for fat chicks. If you have ever had sex with a fat chick then you know how grateful they are for penatration. FAt Chicks loves cock and even though you have heard the rumors that fat chicks gobble down all day on your rod because they are woried you will leave them for a skinny chick, I am telling you to skip the foreplay and go straight to the fucking.

As soon as you put it in a Fat chick she will scream like you are cutting through her with a chainsaw. I don't know about you, but I like a loud fuck. I like it when the girl bucks and screams your name and claws your back and begs you to put it in "deeper."

I did some research on the internet and by research I mean I watched a lot of fat chick porn on the internet. You know that I review amatuer porn clips but that I can never find a site that lets me embed the clips. I figured out why. I forgot that the best web site for embedding porn clips is Red Tube. Here is a fat chick. They look limber when they bang you.

I've always wanted to hit a woman

2008-10-08T23:51:00.009-07:00

I've been fasting so you probably shouldn't take anything I say seriously. I tried to quit drinking coke today. I had 2 cokes for breakfast. At work I drank tea with no sugar. I gave up fasting 3 minutes ago and cracked open an ice cold can of coke. I gulped it down as quickly as I could. I got such a rush that I popped open a second can. I am trying to type for at least a few seconds before I drink that one.

I know I am not supposed to tell you that I've always wanted to hit a woman. I just wonder what it would be like. I don't think it is such a big deal. To be honest most days the thought never enters my mind. Women have hit me before. But I've never taken the idea seriously when given the opening.

I know I've lost a few of you for good here with this post and that's ok with me. I know that you are going to say that I have crossed a line and some lines you just can't cross. You CAN'T TALK about the idea of wanting to hit a woman.

That's funny to me. I've never hit a woman. I never will. My momma raised me right. I just think it is odd how we can't talk about something that every single man has thought at least once in his life. A few men hit all the time. I think we need to understand why.

I will never hit a woman, but I have hit a man before.

Imagine if I had led off with the statement, "I have hit men in my life." Ask yourselves if you would feel threatened by me. Would you consider the statement by itself to be toxic? I will wager you that would not have. That's because it is ok to hit a man. Men are violent and we expect violence from men towards men. Moreover; women demand violence from men.

A women will always question the masculinity of a man afraid to be violent towards another man. Every woman I date expects me to perform "violence" if the need arises. I would never expect the same from my date. I would not question her loyalty to our relationship if she failed to intercede on my behalf during an altercation. The reason for that is simple. I do not require my partner to engage in fisticuffs, not because I have "evolved" any more than the average women, I just grew up in a society that does not require women to be physically aggressive. Because of that I know I could not count on a women to help me if I were in trouble. Society explains to men early on that men must battle the world alone.

Conventional wisdom suggests that if women ruled the world we would have peace. The secret to understanding why war still exists lies not in the violent genetic disposition of men, but in how society acts upon that tendency.

Any woman who has suffered at the brutal hands of another woman's merciless teasing knows full well the cruelty that resides in their sex. Women use stealth rather than force only because women do not come prepared for physical combat the way men do. Women lose fist fights between men and women.

I can never get an agreement from women on this point. They all seem to want to say that woman are as tough as men, that they could whip us in a fight. At the same time they want to say that women are more peaceful than men. I guess from the female perspective, men are lucky that women are holding back on us. I tend to see violence in a woman's desire to argue with me over their inate ability to crush me.

I wrote this post because I was just curious to see when both men and women are going to awaken to the realization that we could live in peaceful society. Most of us are so tied into are our animal concerns about surviving that we are willing to live with violence because we fear danger. The fear of danger is the most pernicious enemy of a healthy society.

Kim Kardashian proves she is "all real" by posting jail bait pictures of her 14 year old body in a bikini. All I can say is thank you!

2008-10-07T02:46:00.009-07:00

I am not sure what I am supposed to do with this other than thank god for the obvious gift he has bestowed upon us. I know you think I am an atheist just because I went to see Bill Mahr's movie Religiulous and when the kid in the red shirt jumped up after the movie and screamed, "I am not convinced!" I simply replied, "I am not surprised."

While that makes me a non-believer I still like to thank god for all the little things he gives me like a picture of a untalented porn and reality tv show star when she was just 14 and all natural.

I am pretty sure that shot is right out of OIU magazine circa 1984. I always loved Oui magazine because Oui is way sluttier than Playboy. Oui showed vagina lips and focused on hairy bushed women (a la the famous Demi Moore shot) before we knew that hairy bushes where not ok. I never took a razor or a clipper anywhere near my pubes until I was in my late 30's.I am sure that it way too late for me now to pretend to be down with the clean shave look, but I try because girls seem to like it.

You maybe the only person wondering where this blog has been, but I still think you count

2008-10-03T23:53:00.005-07:00

I know Bathos does not have as many followers as the Self Help Center does, and that's ok with me. I did not stop posting here for that reason. I stopped blogging in Bathos because it can be difficult keeping up with just one blog at a public library computer terminal. I still believe in this blog like I believe in you. I know if you read this blog you are very hip "to it" and smart because you know what you like and you don't care what the rest of the world says.

You like chocolate shakes and romance novels, and guys that make fun of Sarah Palin. And you would sleep with just about anyone you could convince to go singing Karaoke with you. I don't blame you for that.

I mean I do hate that let's all pretend we can sing Korean bull shit, and I will never sing for you even though I do the best Neil Diamond impression you have ever heard, and I sing like William Shatner whenever I cover any song by a female artist.

I know I just made you wet and I know you can't help how frothy your vagina gets when you get all worked up. I just don't like thinking about all that extra juice you have down there, but I guess I am going to have to, just like I am going to have to at least "promise" to stick it in you if I am ever going to convince you to go down on me.

I sat on this post for a day or so thinking maybe a little bit of inspiration would help me write. I know I was wrong because I still don't have any inspiration and according to my stats this blog is just sitting here dying from neglect.

I know what you are thinking. I've never really had a plan for this blog and if you don't have a plan then you have planned for failing. But you believe in a lot of retarded shit so I won't hold that against you.

I think the problem is that I am spreading myself too thin. I have 4 blogs (yes, that means I have a secret blog you don't know about) and a podcast to get to, and there is no possible way you can actually come up with that much material every day if you want the material to be any good.

If this blog had a theme it would be easier to write. At least then you would know what to expect. When you read my other blogs you know what you are getting yourself into. The Self Help Center has my rants and daily life. It is part work blog, part diary, part character driven. I have no idea what this blog is. I was hoping to make it a blog that shows off my humor stylings. I also wanted a place where I could be more political and gossipy and just plain bloggy (not personal bloggy) if that makes any sense and of course it does not.

I really need to post a podcast. I have had almost a thousand downloads in the past 2 months so I think that means I have an audience. I also want to devote some time to my secret blog in the hopes that it will take off and make me rich. I know that won't happen. I have spent more money on my blog hobby than I could ever see back, but I don't mind because I know that the 10 people who read me really need me in their empty lives. And since my 10 readers are needed by 10 people in the real world and those people influence other people, well you can see how important this blog writing thing is to the whole world. So when I can't think of anything to blog I want you to know that won't stop me from blogging.

I know you guys worried that I might stop writing because I have a computer at home. You thought I could go back to not posting much, but don't worry I think I am going to keep up the manic posting schedule that I have created. Just for you, and your loved ones, and all the Cosmic Karma I can suck out of you codependent bastards.

A SAD DAY. DAVID FOSTER WALLACE IS DEAD

2008-09-14T12:46:00.003-07:00

One of my literary heroes is dead today. David Foster Wallace, the author of Infinite Jest, has committed suicide.

I have mentioned Mr. Wallace a number of times on this blog. If you have never read any of his work take the time to go read one of his last short stories published at the New Yorker for free.

Sarah Palin "pray for pipelines, it is god's will."

2008-09-07T12:40:00.003-07:00

"Our job is to pray and make sure that God's will is done."

Creepy stuff. First of many in the Sarah Palin watch.

Watch Paris Hilton Take On John McCain and Kick his ASS!

2008-08-06T02:23:00.003-07:00

I know. Paris Hilton. She is all that is wrong with America. Insanely hot. Rich. A total bitch who would never sleep with me. But she teamed up with some funny ass writers at funny or die and delivers onefunny video. I am officially on team Paris. The acting is actually really good in the video. The writing is top notch. "See ya at the debates, bitches" Paris Hilton is comedy.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I blog my day off in which I come to learn I can't decide how long to talk on the telephone.

2008-07-28T02:19:00.008-07:00

Whatever strange depression I am going through shows it self in a peculiar symptom. I am unable to judge for myself how long a telephone conversation is supposed to last. I just got off the phone with an ex of mine and we talked for close to 2 hours. Most of the conversation like all conversations you have with young mothers involve the mother yelling at her child to go to sleep, or to climb off her lap, or just leave her the hell alone. That's because mothers hate their children for the most part and you can't really blame them. Children pee in the bed. Children climb down stairs to rearrange the salt and pepper shakers.

I guess that makes me lonely. That I would talk to this girl for so long. We don't have much in common. Shivers get sent down my spine when I overhear how she interacts with her children. Like she read some "how to ensure your kids become white trash" child rearing manual. Not that she ever reads.

Speaking of bad behavior and children, my good friend Miley Cyrus is at it again. She recorded a Youtube video where she and her best friend make fun of another Disney star. Miley is pissed that her boyfriend got stolen from her and is acting out like the crazed 40 year old alcoholic that is buried in her soul. I know some people are going to watch this clip and think that Miley comes off asa bit of bitch. But watch the video take off around the 2:17 mark. Miley goes off on some kind of riff about how on her videos "we don't do trick questions" and you will see some true comedic satire at its best. (I am not being sarcastic!)

Just like Miley I can't make decisions. I had a hard time trying to decide what or where to eat lunch today. I decided I wanted a Philly cheese steak. I went to buy the cheese steak from that place in the mall that sells cheese steaks and makes awesome fries they serve in a drinking cup. When I got to the mall I noticed that a meal deal cost 8 dollars and 50 cents for just a 7 inch sub. I felt that was too much money to spend on one meal when I knew that I could purchase a package of 7 steak (Y)ums for $3.50 along with 6 wheat sub buns from my bakery for $2.49.

I drove to my grocery store. The whole store gets very excited to see me when I am not working. One of the girls had been on vacation for two weeks ran up to me to tell me all about her vacation. I could tell she wanted to hug me, but she is married so we both held back. I have a feeling if I ever hugged her I would give her very first orgasm and she would become addicted to standing next to me and I don't think I need that kind of thing happening as I also don't see her leaving her husband necessarily which I think would get awkward for at least one of us.

Several other people spoke to me to tell me I looked very preppy today. I had on
a pair of jeans and my newest shirt. It is a polo style shirt from No boundaries that I purchased from Walmart for 9 dollars. It is white with blue stripes and fitted. I guess I look good in it as I got a great deal of attention and I did not even shave today. I know the Internet says that women prefer men with stubble and that there are even evolutionary studies that back this up. I am not quite certain why that is. Maybe my massive female readership can clue me into the reason.

I want to take this time to tell you that the self help center podcast has a forum section and you should make your way over there and join the community of fans that I am sure will be getting there any minute. I have started a few topics that I am sure will be worthy of your time and focus on the many issues which I discuss regularly on my blogs. Mostly you can the forum as an opportunity to start posting all those jail bait pics you have on your computer before your sister accidentally discovers them and then wipes out your hard drive, or threatens to tell your dad who will probably just have you arrested, and then all those pictures get sealed under court order as evidence, and then they will all but be lost to the world of pedarasty.

I cooked a chicken today with a faulty turkey timer. I bought the cooking timers for 10 cents at the discount items table in the hopes that they would take the guess work out of cooking entire chickens. I had to leave the chicken in for an additional 20 minutes after the turkey timer popped, so I guess that plan did not work which is just another confirmation that nothing ever happens the way you want it, so the only thing you can do is start liking what is actually happening or get bitter, and I think you should know that liking shit is not what I am about so prepare for me to get bitter.

Bitter is the only time I enjoy talking to my ex. We discuss how we hate being romantic and how we both have given up on trying to find somebody only in her case people actually want her and ask her out and the closest I come to being asked out is when the customer service slut calls me to pick my schedule and I tell her I am naked and she continues on the phone with me and when I tell her that, "this is close as we will ever get to having sex" and she answers by telling me "probably" and I take that as meaning that there is a chance we could have sex and I am going to hold her to that and all she does is giggle afterwards which means I really do have a chance because this girl has no clue about boundaries and now I just wished I was her cousin or something in the 5th grade because we'd get to see each other all the time and whatever I convinced her to do in the closet with me would remain between us because people with fucked up boundaries always keep secrets from the people they should really be telling and telling secrets to people who would be most likely to take advantage of them and if that does not sound like consent to you then you sir have way too many boundaries.

I still don't have a single digg on my podcast over at Digg.com. There really is no excuse.

I know I can't worry about you judging me for this post so that's why I went ahead and posted it

2008-07-19T03:17:00.012-07:00

The day after I shot a man in the face was the first time I ever felt powerful, so I guess you can't blame me for scooping up the latest pictures of Miley Cyrus looking like a slut for your enjoyment. I don't like looking at a picture like this because unlike you I am not that much of a voyeur. I like having a normal girlfriend and a normal relationship life. That is why I am attracted to good looking, funny, and intelligent women-not the little girls you like. But I post these pictures as a service to you so you can jack off to them and stop circling the playground so much and worrying all the soccer moms that got that flyer from the sheriff's office with your picture on it. I know what you are thinking, if I am attracted to smart good looking chicks what is the problem? Why am I still single? How hard can it be since I like girls who are legal? I'd like to think it has something to do with how I am picky and I like really attractive women, but I think it has to do with how smart, cute, funny girls have standards and I never measure up well to standards, because unlike pedophiles I never practice trying to pass statistical tests. I am a creative type and we need more freedom and breathing room than the facts and figures can give.

You should think of me like an independent film with subtitles and no plot even though I am an American. I don't open the big screens like Batman does, but every once in a while a movie like me comes along and even though the first part is boring you start to appreciate a film where the character gets developed and the plot moves along in congruence with the feelings and ideas of a flesh and blood person, not simply as the side show for special effects.

I know what you are thinking that sometimes even quirky independent movies suck and you are sick and tired of how all the so called "quirky" characters in independent films are all really the same. That might be true, but sometimes when you floss your teeth they bleed out for three hours, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go ahead and floss them once a week anyway.

Either way it appears that Miley Cyrus has no idea how to stop acting like a whore despite all the bad press, and I guess that is a good thing for you. It just goes to show you that god had something planned out right when it comes to repopulating the Earth with sluts. Every few years the sweet pre-teen with braces who loves daddy and jumps in the garden sprinkler grows breasts and discovers for herself that empowerment means having power, and since she does not have power in the real world she begins toying with the idea of using her sexual awakening against the pathetic man-boys staring at her through closed windows hoping to get a peak at her nipples when the water begins to work its magic on her bathing suit.

I don't know if you can tell the difference between this post and any other post I have written, but I will tell you that I was totally phoning this one in. The sad thing is I could write five or six of these posts a day and if I added a few more pictures of Miley and Britney I'd end up making a few dollars a week from Adsence. Instead I work hard all week looking for inspiration because I am stuck with the idea that you are looking for a blog with integrity. Even though I only write when I want to I still get worried that the people who read this blog are bored waiting around for the three posts I write a month, because they have decided that my blog is just not worth it if they are not sure what I stand for. I think you should give me a break and not force me to tell you in graphic detail what I do here, because if anything that only stokes the disdain I have for the audience which only means fewer posts for you. By now if there is something I should not have to tell you, it's that if carefully defined I have a great deal of integrity.

That's why I am always trying to come up with a new angle to attract someone other than the mid 30's married alternative mom that I can't seem to meet in real life, but only on the net where they are already married and ridden down with offspring, so I really have no hope of getting them to jump ship with me, so I guess I will always be alone, because I live in a town full of crack heads and old people who care more about money than well defined integrity. I guess what I am saying is that my sense of integrity compels me to point out how wrong it is for a preteen girl to feel OK about subtly using the power of her sexual awakening against a horde of horny social misfits for profit all the while complaining about all the misunderstandings that she is perfectly aware she is creating. Confusion about your burgeoning sexuality is not only natural, but is inherently a private affair; hence, it is no one's business. Not even a perverts. But the naked manipulation of said sexuality for purposes of avarice leaves one open to critique which is why you will find Miley's photos posted here. I hope you all appreciate how much I have had to hold your hand here, and explain things to you because then you can then begin to understand how much smarter I am than you. I know how thankful you are for this service, but it only fills me with pity for you. All this anxiety gives me a pit in my stomach that grows ever more hallow. I am sure you are all the reason I have acid reflux and throat cancer, and one day when I can't breathe from my esophagus closing in on me I want you to have a nice ceremony at my funeral where you engage my blog in the literary theory that you took at community college, which on second thought will probably end up sounding a lot like some small town Oprah Winfrey's book club meeting, so maybe I am having second thoughts on that. Maybe you could just convince a middling blogger to give me some air time now that it is clear to the world that I am not a pedophile just a hard working social critic.

Cut Off Your Pussy: A three part treatise on the history and evolution of the sexual double standard

2008-07-05T14:26:00.021-07:00

PART 1.

The old sexual standard

A BRIEF PRIMER ON THE HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARD: the ancient sexual double standard stems from primitive woman's weakness.

Why do we need to learn about the double standard? Because you can't spend more than 5 minutes on the Internet looking for the latest self pics of Disney teen stars without being interrupted by some middle aged feminist and her gravity obeying tits shouting, "My VAGINA IS UGLY AND THAT IS SO NOT FAIR! Why DO MEN GET BETTER LOOKING WITH AGE? Why ARE ONLY WOMEN JUDGED FOR THEIR BEAUTY?"

How you can learn to stop blaming men for the sexual double standard...and start loving YOUR EVOLUTIONARY HISTORY.

Not so long ago during the infancy of our species, womankind, struck a Faustian bargain with the male sex. Man promised to protect woman. The task of protecting woman was not easy. Woman wants shoes. Many shoes. Woman carries shoes even at risk of getting eaten by bears.

Man evolved from his selfish animal need to survive in order to satisfy his promise to protect woman, which is why men walk on the outside of a sidewalk when on a date. Men know their bodies can't stop cars, and it really doesn't make a difference because the odds of getting run over are small and getting in the way of a car is not really going to slow the car down, but women accept this token of protection because they get the pleasure of knowing we promise to die first.

CULTURE TEACHES MAN ONE THING:

IN THE EVOLUTIONARY LONG TERM THE SUBJUGATION OF WOMAN IS UNTENABLE

[see part three]

tHE POWER OF CULTURAL LOGIC IS THAT IT RUNS ITS OWN COURSE, iT CARES NOT FOR THE SELFISH INTEREST OF THE INDIVIDUAL. THE POWER MEN DERIVE FROM CULTURE STEMS FROM ITS REALITY TESTING AND TRUTH TELLING.

MAN EVOLVED FROM A (RELATIVE) POSITION OF STRENGTH TO CREATE CULTURE, on the other hand, women are weak and evolve towards cuteness.

Nature has a communication method all its own. When a thing is cute that is nature's way of saying, "Ignore me. I am not a danger to you. Also please don't eat me." No creature will eat anything cute. It's just not done. That is why the panda and the koala bear survive.

***A tHING tO REMEMBER***

a WoMAN is "cute," because she is no threat [evolutionary SPEAKING] to MAN.

Because women are weaK, women MUST be cute. Women do that thing where they trace their finger down your arm when they are walkING away from hugging you. They lose hair in all the right places. They are soft and like to smell like vanilla. I like those things about women. So do the lions and jackals. We must accept the evolutionary truth that "iN THE PAST IT MADE PERFECT SENSE fOR A WOMAN TO CEDE CONTROL OF HER BEING TO HER MAN FOR PROTECTION."

{HINT}

A woman will tell you men that it doesn't matter what your dick "looks like." When the woman wishes to seduce a man in order to aquire his protection she will will tell him,"that it does not matter how big or small your penis is." In addition, she will tell him that she does not care how big or fat or how bald he is, because looks are not as important to women as they are to men.

The woman who tells you "looks are unimportant to her" knows an important fact, but has stretched that fact to fit a lie.

DO NOT MISTAKE A WOMAN'S LACK OF SEXUAL INTEREST IN YOU TO BE INDICATIVE OF A LACK OF SUPERFICIALITY

AN ASIDE: The differing superficiality of the sexes should be understood as the differing mating strategies of the sexes.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE WOMAN SEEKS YOUR PROTECTION AND SHE WILL ATTEMPT TO MASK HER INTENTIONS to you

A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF THE IMPORTANCE WOMEN PLACE ON THE SCURRILOUS CHARGE OF MALE SUPERFICIALITY

For eons women have complained that men seek only beauty in a mate. ( They forgive us when we create the David, or mono lisa, or the empire state building, do they not?) Was this also not because in the past the only commodity a woman had to offer was the beauty of her offspring?

Women who complain about men who place a high imporance on thier mate's beauty are simply those women nature has failed to bestow its bounty on. It is a defense used by the ugly.

REMEMBER an ugly woman is a weak woman from the point of view of nature.

The ugly woman seeks to distract the male from his natural mating strategy: to procreate with the most attractive female available. An ugly woman seeks to contaminate beauty by conflating it with superficiality. This is an effective and deviously clever strategy. Naturally man is wary of the superficial. Man's caution around superficiality is the reason why he owns only 3 pairs of shoes at a time, a number most women find unfathomable.

***REMEMBER****

Man is not superficial. His desire for the most attractive female available is simply the most effective mating strategy nature has ever developed.

***

A woman who is obsessed with superficial will spend the resources of a man foolishly. With his resources wasted a man can not protect his mate, nor could he aquire additional mates he desires. This is why a woman marries as rich a man as she can, but spends him to the poor house.

Therefore; men are naturally wary of superficial women. An ugly (but clever) woman exploits this weakness by suggesting that the male preoccupation with attractive mates is superficial spending. But a woman will never admit her concern with male 'superficiality' is mearly her displeasure over male mating strategies that place her at the bottom of the rung.

{ HINT CONTINUED}

Women don't care about 'your looks,' because they know looks are not highly correlated with money. The secret to the old sexual double stand was that men WERE not judged on looks but on their earning potential*.

translation- A woman uses your income to measure how much you can protect them from the cruelty of nature.

PART 2

THE CURRENT STATE OF THE SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARD

THE SECRET TO THE CURRENT SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARD IS THAT MEN WILL NOW BE EVALUATED ACCORDING TO HOW MUCH THEY EARN AND HOW SEXY THEY ARE... MUCH LIKE WOMEN WHO WILL BE DRAGGED KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO THE WORLD OF WORK.

Man hoped for peace between the sexes by developing culture. Culture provides protection for both sexes and offers the possibility of equality for all. But nature has selected against this possibility. Men are selected for the qualities of the past. Men are aggressive and ugly. Science has shown the female body is preferred by lesbians, straight men and straight women. Only gay men prefer the male body. In the immediate future there is a distinct possibility that woman will likely out earn man. She is already considered the better looking sex. Power will shift slowly but inexorably from man to woman.

Once again a bitter inequality in nature will arise. As man transforms nature to reflect the softer characteristics of the female he will naturally dig his own grave.

PART 3

TOWARDS A THEORY OF THE THIRD WAVE OF SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARDS: THE tRANSGENDER OF MANPUSSY & LADYBOYS

iN THE FUTURE WE ARE ALL T-GIRLS.

Man-pussy eliminates the ugly vagina. No longer will thousands of women be subjected to the horrors of a labiaplasty. In the future we will be the "best of both worlds." Droopy tits will be a thing of the past. We all get Firm and Voluptuous implants for breasts.

We keep the dick!

Personally I can't wait for the future.

eric schaeffer on the coming revolution:

Your boyfriends, husbands, and pals are fantasizing about sucking tranny dick - June 27, 2008

Okay geniuses, this lesson is for you. Listen up, it's a little complicated so I'm gonna go reeeeal slow. I'm a straight man. All straight men look women up and down. God made us that way. Take it up with him if you have a problem with us checking you out to see if we should impregnate you to propagate the species. The same desire women have to doll themselves up so that our cocks will get hard and want to go in you to propagate the species is the same instinct we have to look at you. Straight Darwinian AND God stuff. Deal with it.

Secondly...

In general, gay men don't want to fuck trannies.
In general, gay men don't want to get fucked by doms wearing strap ons.
In general, gay guys... like to fuck other gay guys.
In general, women, gay or straight, don't want to fuck trannies.
In general, women, gay or straight, don't want to get fucked in the ass by doms wearing strap ons. (Obviously lesbians have a slightly higher proclivity of course but that's mainly in their pussies, not in their asses.)
In general, bi sexual guys like real cocks when they fuck guys and therefore don't go in for doms, some for trannies but less so than good ole regular gay guys

So that leaves one kind of people who are the NUMBER ONE GROUP INTERESTED in FUCKING OR GETTING FUCKED BY TRANNIES AND GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY DOMS... wait for it... STRAIGHT MEN.

It will be the powerless, straight men of the future who will transform modern society into the Third Wave I call the Transgender society.

The only way to stop this is for women to stop asking for pay raises. Women need to stop graduating from college at higher rates. We need a more level playing field in the realm of looks. Attractive women need to mate with uglier men.

My plan may not work. But if you do not try it you might as well sew a penis to your daughter's vagina.

My idea for a personal ad on the Craigslist

2008-07-03T03:00:00.012-07:00

CAN i JUST START WITH SOMETHING yOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR?

Like a lot of dudes I have my fetish requirements. You should be into preggo porn. It would help if you were already pregnant of course, but we can always work on that. I have a small penis and I think you should enjoy making fun of it. I know I do. I love asian lactation videos only because they are the only kind of lactation videos I have ever seen. I won't mind if you cheat on me, but only if I get to watch and maybe film it and then jack off to it when you are at work.

Other than those basic fetish needs I am pretty normal guy who likes the same things in bed you do. If those same things are you fucking me in the ass with a small sized dildo, wearing catholic school girl outfits, and calling me daddy.

I should also let you know that I am short, bald, and kinda chubby.

I can still suck in my gut if absolutely necessary, but not for too long.

I am a non-believer and I hate dogs and don't care for cats. I would prefer a life without animals. I don't go to church. I watch way too much TV and spend all day on the Internet in pursuit of juvenile things like making up the most prurient stories and the most obnoxious things I can think of.

I know I sound like a winner, but I drive a used car that is not paid for, and I rent a room I don't own.

THERE ARE THINGS THAT YOU COULD LIKE ABOUT ME

I have been known to wash the dishes even after cooking. (I can't dust or use a vacuum.) i MAKE MY REFRIED BEANS WITH LARD AND BACON GREASE. You will thank me later after trying some. I hate pepsi.
I enjoy talking about celebrities and gossip. I never hit.

Looking for love is difficult. We are all looking for the same thing.

some one just like us, but different

Basically we all want something better than we actually deserve, only I am willing to be with you and he probably isn't, and even if he is he just wants to use you for sex where as I could actually like you.

Now that I have you excited about meeting me are there any qualities you should possess in order for me to like you?

I can't really think of any. If you got to the end of this and were not grossed out or disgusted that it is a good start. I like the girl next door type. I like a girl who can give as good as she gets. You should be witty or at least able to recognize wit. Try not to hold it against me when I say "film" instead of "movie." I like films. I also like movies. See? I am not some kinda film snob. I do like a girl with a cute face.

TO THE STAT MOBILE, ROBIN

AGE: 37

HEIGHT: 5 FOOT 8 (UNLESS YOU CAN BEAT ME IN BASKETBALL i DONT WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN)

WEIGHT (UMM MORE THAN YOU MOST LIKELY, OK)

JOB: I GOT ONE

CAR: TRUCK (I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD PAY FOR GAS--i KID i KID ...NOT UNTIL THE FOURTH DATE...LOL)

OH SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE LOL THING

wHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR e-MAIL ME NOW AND wE CAN bE TOTALLY embarrassing PEOPLE IN LINE AT THE MOVIE BY MAKING OUT .....

I don't think I will be getting any responses, but if I do I will post them.

I get hate mail from a cop

2008-06-18T03:51:00.006-07:00

I don't usually get a lot of hate mail. In fact I get none. Which when you think about is kinda strange as I often try to write things that creep people out. Like my Internet G/F says "I am a provocateur." I couldn't say that myself without sounding a little full of it, so I let her say it for me.

But recently I got 3 pieces of hate mail. All at once. It all started after some cop read my "I hate cops" post. I guess he got offended, because he brought up how I never graduated from high school. He writes:

HATE MAIL #1
"I'm so cool because i follow the crowd of drop outs who have no future and blame society and "the police" for me not getting my way" "I really wish i had a father figure growing up"

This guy totally "gets" me. I like it when that happens. Also, nothing says cool like being a drop out. But my dad is gonna get pissed when he reads this. In my daddy's defense (it is father's day y'all) he was a "figure" if by figure you mean a absentee drunk who told me I would never amount to anything and I should not try, and if I did try and fail I could always blame the police and join the communist party.

HATE MAIL #2
"No respect what so ever..if you only knew the things we go through so you can live a happy life. seriously, without us you would be dead kid. you're just an ungreatful little prick is all...it's ok though we are used to it. oh and by the way...donut jokes are so 1950's...im 5'9 225 lbs with about 4.5% body fat and I bench over 315. seriously get a clue and stop following the "omg cops like donuts...har har" crowd."*

This guys sounds so hot! And just think. Without him I'd be dead.

HATE MAIL # 3
"your a dumbass i hope you get your face shot off and die punk ass"

Oh, well. I guess there goes his whole I am better than you because I save you. I am pretty sure he just threatened me. I think the guy should be put in jail. I bet he knows what they do to ex-cops in jail too.

Just goes to show you that cops are bullies. They don't really believe any of that crap about protecting the innocent, or defending my right to free speech. They like eating donuts. They like cars with flashing lights. They like big guns. I am sure all his gun talk has nothing to do with how his tiny man tool can't satisfy.

*it should be noted that all the misspellings are his. cops don't spellcheck. spellcheck is for fags.

I bet you thought I wasn't writing. I was. I just wasn't publishing this shit. Is it too late to tell Tim Russert that he is a douche bag?

2008-06-15T02:04:00.009-07:00

How the hell can you be surprised that Tim Russert died of a heart attack? People are going around saying how shocking his death was to them. The guy was a walking corn dog of cholesterol, and he was a good 200 pounds overweight. He might as well have had a "I love heart attacks" printed across his massive jowls.

Now that Tim is dead I think we should just say what we feel about him. That way we don't have to feel bad about hurting his feelings. Before he died if you hurt Tim Russert's feelings he would go to the pope's house and tell on you, and then you would have a tough time getting into heaven.

The previous paragraph was written to inform you that I know that Timmy was a Catholic from Buffalo. Being catholic, male, fat, and white means you can get a job at NBC. That has to do with the fact that the CEO of NBC was a fat catholic white dude from Pennsylvania.

I just despise the fact that Tim Russert did nothing to stop the republicans from stealing the 2000 election. I can't stand the fact that the guy lived for mouthing conventional wisdom as fact. Tim did not see through the Bush bullshit. We went to war because of the incompetence of Tim Russert. We are supposed to believe that CV somehow passes for wisdom and intelligence. Maybe in the hyper political world of D. C. But I am the kinda guy that likes a little truth with the news. Tim Russert never gave a shit about the truth. He once said that his only bias was for a "great story." That sir is a shitty bias. How about a bias for truth. How about a bias for the relative importance of a story, no matter how "big" it was. You were a reporters, reporter. And I can think of no greater insult.

I give you Erin o Brien "On rejection"

2008-06-08T04:18:00.005-07:00

The above video is Erin O Brien, the sister of one of my favorite writers, John O Brien. Erin came to my attention because she published the last two novels written by her brother. John O' Brien committed suicide after he wrote Leaving Las Vegas which was made into a movie that won several Academy Awards.

Erin writes and also has a video blog. She does not update the video blog often, but when she does she is very brave with her emotions regarding her career and (lack of ?) success. Mostly the vlog seems to be about rejection and the hard work of writing. I admire anyone who puts so much work into her writing.

I can identify with some of her emotional histrionics you see in her videos regarding critiques of her work. She is a bit defensive. Too much so. And some of the video and interviews I have read of her are almost funny because of that.

I got interested in reading more about Erin after reading Stripper Lessons by John O Brien. Stripper Lessons is one of my favorite books. I whole heatedly recommend it to you. I was doing a book search for other titles by O Brien when I noticed that the one title by O Brien that I had not read The Assault on Tony's was available for free reading on Google Book Search. All you bloggers will want to watch the video and check out her blog.

This is why I won't write a novel for you

2008-06-06T15:45:00.008-07:00

The Atlantic ocean smells of turpentine. Its gray waves wash over me. The sky is overcast and the sun is dull. I smell the salt air and I watch the matronly obese cavort in the sea.

I saw her leave. Now I am the youngest person on the beach by ten years. I have a headache brought on by too much time at the beach. My bladder is full. Anytime I am near the ocean I feel an overwhelming need to urinate.

I walk down steps from the bay shore to the public bathroom. It reeks of stale urine. My head tilts. I peer into the urinal and watch a gold stream splash a urine cake. A deodorizing scent from the steam escapes towards me. I no longer smell the salt air, or the stench from human release. I smell only cancer. If cancer had a smell, I imagine it would be the smell of pissed on urinal cakes located in the back of public beach bathrooms along the Atlantic coast.

I've watched her for two hours. She has come to the ocean with friends. I take the shriveled penis and place it back in my trunks.

She sat on the sand not two hundred yards from me. She displayed to the world her modesty only. She wore shorts and a long sleeved shirt over a bathing suit. Her friends wore tiny bikinis. Each girl had a cowboy hat perched atop their heads. Their bloodshot eyes were hidden behind the fashionably large sunglasses of the 1970's.

She left with her friends, but I did not follow. I have no inclination. I Am sure I know where she is headed. I imagine she is on her way back to her parents. She will eat supper and then she will jump into her Jeep Wrangler and drive home. Alone.

I know where she works. I know much of her daily routine. I know that she is a careless person who drops her keys. I know she insists on stops at nearby donut shops for coffee when she is 30 minutes late for work.I take my time.

I enjoy even the smells of cancer on the beach. I am content to be alone. I walk back from the restroom to my beach towel on the sand. I pack my suntan lotion, and my camera phone with music player. I place those things in the pouch of my collapsible chair with built in umbrella. I stare at the ground and march the trek back to the public parking lot. I avoid the large shells and rocks that could cut my feet.

I place only the beach things in the trunk of my car. The black paint has greedily absorbed the sun today. The Volvo 740 is without air conditioning, so I drive with the windows rolled down. The car stereo works, but is not connected to the speakers.Beside me in the passenger seat is an old am/fm receiver with a large speaker.

I leave it in the seat with my windows down and the door unlocked. I have left the radio unguarded in the seat for 9 months. No one has stolen it. I switch it on and the batteries are still good. I turn the dial to the classic rock station and turn the volume up as high as it will go. At highway speeds with the wind and noise of traffic I can just make out the melody of what is playing.

My Volvo has a responsive turbo engine. I purchased the car from Vincent. I offered him 900 dollars and he promised to deliver me the title. Vincent left to San Fransisco and he never sent me the title. I drive without the title and insurance because the tags are good for 2 more years. If I do not attract attention from the police unnecessarily I should be able to drive without any of the inconvenience and cost of registration. 900 dollars well spent.
***
"I can kick your ass!"

She wants to test my strength. She rushes at me. Her fists are balled tightly. Her arms windmill. I grab her by the wrists and and throw her on the bed. My knees pinch her thighs apart.

I can sense the fear now. Her pale complexion has gone white. Nervous perspiration beads across her forehead. She tilts her neck upwards. I meet her forehead with mine. "Don't even fucking think you can take me." I mutter into her ear. A small smile breaks out onto her face. The futility of her arm movements cease. I relax my grip on her wrists. The prickly flow of blood returns to her hands.
***
I wake on my bed. The curtains are drawn and no light penetrates them. I have a painful erection. The alarm clock reads 1:36 am. I listen to the ceiling fan whirl above me. I cannot go back to sleep. I start work in only 7 hours.

If I don't get back to sleep I will be tired all day. I warn myself. I ignore my own advice. I roll out of bed and fall in a heap onto the floor. I walk sleepily into the computer office I share with my roommate. I turn on his computer and open the Internet. I check my mail and MySpace. I have several accounts.

Work is dull. I pass the time by daydreaming as much as possible. I work as a cashier at a grocery store. Sometimes customers give me 40 second breaks while they search for exact change. They rifle through their purses and billfolds like old men on the beach treasure hunting with metal detectors. When they find the nickel and two pennies buried at the bottom they exclaim aloud with the pride of a juvenile displaying his latest creation with crayons to an exasperated parent.

I think they see in me a look of wistfulness and mistake it for admiration or approval. I am just returning to the real world. In my mind I have been playing basketball. I have been enjoying the lustful embrace of their adolescent child who waits besides them.

The child is urging her parent forward with rolled eyes and a carefully constructed look of aloofness. All this dirty bill paying parents must do. All this food shopping and talking to the help is beneath them. They have text messaging to do. They have black mascara to apply in heaps and gobs. But sometimes I get a peek at the budding cleavage. That is my little secret. I do not tell mother. I do not tell father. I smile back at the parents. I take the change from them and treat it like the hero's quest has been fulfilled. I must get off the floor.

The break room is not a respite. I suffer through stories from a middle aged woman who feels no need for an age appropriate hair cut. She tells me her ex-husband called her late last night to confide in her that he was arrested for child molestation.

I like the idea that the ex-husband has no one else to turn to other than his swinging ex wife when confronted by the police. He lies to the police and suggests an alibi can be found with his former lover. She is outraged that her good name has been sullied by accusations of pederasty. She had no such modesty when informing me of her participation in her husbands alcohol fueled fetishes.

I dislike her immensely for her disloyalty. Even when a romance goes bad one should remember the special bond one promises during coitus. It is no real surprise to me that she lacks morality. We live in an unethical society. All around us there is dishonor, there is suffering. There is no nobility left in the human animal. Our days are filled by the endless droning on of television. We pursue goals. We function despite constant encounters with stupidity. The Elders of Zion, the corporate fat cats, our elected leaders, they must all sit back and laugh at us each day. It is no wonder they take us for fools. We suffer for them.
***

We live in the same building. I can't imagine that is coincidence, though you would. I must admit I find "fate" or such ideas to be laughable. I am not as certain as I was before. Moral certainty is the only crime left to modern man. I will speak more to you on this, but right now you are not ready. I do not wish to confuse you by interloping the tale and my lessons so early.

You wish to know more about her. What is the color of her hair? It is black. The color of an ethnic Italian. Thankfully she does not have the full blood of an Italian flowing in her. I have been entranced by exotic and beautiful women before, only then to glance down at their arms to see that they are covered in dark hair. I cannot hide my contempt. I must look away. I must cease my conversations with such people. I have a fear of the malformed. My fear is natural. I will not apologize for it.

I want to follow her. The girl on the beach. But I have no idea how you go about it. I must tell you that I am not a stalker. I am only interested in following her (ok stalking if you must) as an intellectual exercise.

I am curious what it would be like. To follow. I wonder what sorts of things I could discover. I wonder what kind of changes would overcome me if I really committed to the idea of following.

I think her eyes are green. Women with green eyes disturb me. They look sick. Most green eyed women have hepatitis. Green eyes are the genetic result of jaundice. It is well established fact that I will not argue. Since I have alerted you to this one fact, perhaps you will take the good will I have engendered and apply it to understanding my endeavor.

I review porn clips and I make racist/sexist comments

2008-05-31T03:36:00.006-07:00

There is something liberating about being covered up in a burka and having a man dominate and control every aspect of your life. You don't know anything about that because you live in a country full of men who don't feel the need to slap you around every time you go and get the menses, or stone you to death if you leave the house on your own.

I guess that's why when middle eastern chicks finally get to fuck they go all crazy and ask their man to bury his face in your ass. I know all this because I was watching porn last night and the porn was an amateur clip of Arabs fucking. Either that or they were Mexicans. But I am leaning towards Jordanians because it helps with the jokes.

MY REVIEW OF :
Mi Ex-novia TANYA.. me la cojo rico (I guess they were mexican)

This chick likes fucking and I can't think of a thing I like better in a girl than a girl into fucking. You never see passion from the professional girls like Tanya has. I think she must be really into this guy. Notice how she is hugging and licking the guys chest and thighs as she blows him. This licking and kissing is not the kind of perfunctory variation of tease from cock to thigh that you see in the regular porn. This girl is really desperate. She wants to consume him.

Tanya wears a g-string straight out of 1990, but since she is foreign I think she pulls it off. She is cute. Thin. But if you noticed the strange green bruises on her thigh then you weren't alone. I assume as a Mexican she can't afford to eat meat so she is probably just a little anaemic.

I am not really sure as to why Tanya likes to fuck this guy. He has a really small penis. I like to watch movies where the men have small penises, but can really please a women. I will have you know it is not because I have a small penis. I have to stop making small penis jokes now that I have an internet girlfriend.

Inexplicably in the middle of this porn clip they stop fucking to take a phone call. She then performs oral sex on mr. tiny while discussing the latest price on tortillas or the ending of some sappy novella or whatever the hell mexican women discuss in that funny little language of theirs.

I know earlier in this post I was suggesting that muslim women are freed to be sexual dynamos because they live in a culture that exploits and degrades them. I think the same thing must go for the mexicans. I can't imagine why else Tanya would exclaim in such excitement every time she gets pounded by her b/f/. He certainly can't be getting that deep to set off any rockets.

My guess is that she feels so cloistered by society that sex with her man is the only time she feels she is allowed by him to exert any free will. I think that is what makes repressed chicks so good to fuck once you get them over all their hang ups. Clearly Tanya is done with having hang ups.

I found the clip over at YouPorn. (Do I need to tell you not safe for work?) I would have embedded the video, but the submitter has disabled that function. Also, I am not so sure I want to be labeled as a porn blog which I am sure Google would do if I embedded a few clips of people showing some physical affection towards each other.

No commenting is allowed on this clip due to the submitter and that is a shame as the comments on YouPorn are almost always more entertaining than the clips themselves. I know you will be disappointed in my choice of porn videos I chose to review for the first time, since you can't see the video while you read my review. And because I insist on telling you how funny the comments are on You Porn and I chose to use a clip that did not provide us any. But if you have read this blog for any lenght of time you get used to me doing shit like that, don't you?

PROTEST THE WAR

2008-05-27T15:55:00.002-07:00

Pardon my teen angst bullshit, but I was hungry when I wrote this post, so ignore the signs of my dropping blood sugar

2008-05-26T23:36:00.009-07:00

I am hungry. I know this is a good feeling for my body to have for a change, because I am not an Ethiopian, and my body doesn't have to worry about food, because I live in America, and I work at a grocery store, so the odds of me starving to death are between slim and none.

But right now would be a great time for a coke. I love coke and I have five twelve packs of soda sitting on my dining room table. I think they mock me. They put soda on sale at my store. I can get five twelve packs of coke and 2 free boxes of Cheez its for 12 dollars. A couple of days ago this sale would have prompted me to empty my back account to buy as much coke as possible. Coke loves me. Coke never lets me down. Coke won't dump my ass when I get old and fat.

I sure am hungry. My belly is telling me it is empty and I guess I am just supposed to ignore that feeling so I can get skinny because we all love skinny. If I could be anything in the world I would be a robotic fly that could crawl around on Suri Cruise, so I could keep track of all the crazy ass shit Tom Cruise is doing with out us all knowing, but if that is not possible then I would want to be skinny. I would rather be skinny than tall, and I would rather be skinny than buff, and I would rather be skinny than not bald, because if I was skinny I would just shave my head and wear wife beaters and get tats all down my arms and go to poetry def jams and make up random misogynistic rants and pass them off as deep poetic shit (no matter how hard that would be) and get laid by girls with chipped nail polish who die their hair black.

I am not attracted to that type. I like the girl next door. I like a girl who could get cast as a model on a fabric softener commercial. White breezy sunshine, she is running through sheets as the warm sun bounces off her face.

I am hungry. Allow me to pause writing this post (you won't feel a thing I promise), so I can go get another drink of de-caf ice tea. Ice T is awesome and has no calories. Things with no calories are the new awesome, and the new awesome will keep me having an internet g/f, and that is a good thing as I have not had a real g/f in over 2 years, and my last g/f hardly liked me. I only know this because she often told me. She always told me she liked being honest and her being honest was making sure I understood I was not physically desirable to women. I've known that for years and that's why I started developing a personality back in the sixth grade when I was not noticeably fat or short and had no need for the complexity and profound depth that you see before you today.

The head cheerleader must have liked what she saw and heard from me as she asked me if I wanted a blow job. I had no idea what a blow job was and if I did I was not sure I was interested in getting one as I had yet to enter into puberty so I was sure that an orgasm was out of the question and like all men I have it genetically programmed into me that sex without an orgasm is a waste of time.

It is not too often that the most popular girl in school wants to date a guy like me, but I can tell you that when opportunities like that happen they don't happen like they do in the movies. In real life I was too riddled with the fear of rejection to take Jennifer up on her offer to sit with all the cool kids at lunch time. I just ate by myself. My parents tended to pack my lunch and they seemed to think that the only fruit in the world was the banana. I think you can imagine the kind of jokes that got made when people noticed I only ate a banana everyday at lunch.

Jocks and cool kids would sit down with me just to ask why I turned down Jennifer. I told them I was sure Jennifer had a boyfriend and she was just playing a joke on me and that a girl like her could never be interested in a guy like me even if we played paper football the entire time in biology class. I can't remember cracking open a book during that class. I do remember looking into her Jennifer's big green eyes and talking to her like she was just one of the guys and I think that is what attracted her to me. I have to use tricks like that to get women to be attracted to me. But it would be nice to have a woman get turned on by my body for once. I would like it if for once they were able to return the visceral attraction I feel whenever they bend over and plunge their bosoms towards me. I need them to hunger for me like an anorexic tweener on the binge part of a binge and purge session. I want to get back at women for having power over me by denying them the naked thing they want so badly, me.

Jennifer always claimed that she did not have a boyfriend and she really wanted to date me. I bring this story up because I like to think that my decision to stay safe and not risk getting made fun of set the tone for the rest of my life. If I would have said yes I would have been popular and I probably would not have asked my parents for the subscription to Omni magazine that I got that year for Christmas which pretty much sealed the deal on me becoming a nerd.

In 8th grade I did not try out for the basketball team even though I was better than a few of kids who made the team. I was sure my dad would not spring for new shoes and I was too embarrassed to wear my old sneakers to practice. In 9th grade my best friend Doug made the b squad of the high school team and he was only a little better than me, mostly because he was taller and had been on the 8th grade team. If it is any consolation I was the best player on my street. I used to play 1 on three and beat the three losers who played me badly.

Sometimes I tried to make sure they did not score on me at all. I never did because there was three of them playing against me and guarding three players is basically impossible, but I am just telling you that so you can understand that deep inside me is the kinda guy that doesn't let his little brother win at monopoly and is the kinda guy who likes to make sure that he steps on people who suck at basketball.

That guy never really recovered from Jennifer's offer to be popular, or his punking on trying out for the 8th and 9th grade basketball teams. I would not have made my high school basketball teams. But I could have tried and the guy who shut down all comers on his home street was the kinda guy who should not have minded failing. He would not be happy about it, and maybe he would not have taken any ideas about sportsmanship away from his defeat. More likely he would have made excuses for losing and he would have developed "short man disease" and then probably he would have taken to wearing too much gold jewelry.

But at least he would have gotten himself a girlfriend before he was 18.

Upload a youtube of protest this Memorial Day

2008-05-23T23:05:00.002-07:00

I am going to burn a flag in my youtube. But you need to protest your way. I think burning a flag would be awesome, but you are probably pretty skittish of that kind of thing. So upload your video before or on Memorial Day and pass this meme around!

(In progress)

This week in poetry from Netflix is "I shot Jesse James" by the coward Robert Ford

2008-05-19T02:04:00.004-07:00

I have been busy on account of many things but that is no reason to leave you in the bind such that you find yourself in today. I am well aware that you are alone out there and I have done you wrong by letting you think that you have not a friend in the world. Let me tell you I am your friend and I will do my best in the future to allow you to hear that sweet music from my lips again.

things are cold
and you can be too
but I want to deliver this message
out in the wooded forests
where women bake bread
and kneed their fists in unmade dough.

Too much of our lives
is spent in misplaced passion
forget to remember the truth
that pines away

It slumbers like a
cat
on a restless
Sunday
lazy and incoherent

dumb and deaf
we will walk to the mountain
and I will carry you
that way

because you were my weakest enemy
and my boldest mistake
and sometimes I wonder

But I wont for long
as this too passes
under a smoke filled
porch

as the small sounds of happiness
emanate from your neighbors garden
you will encounter
all the obstacles
he lays before you

and you will ponder
with such inadequacy
that the good lord himself
will take pity on you

but that will be your first mistake
and I will shoot you under the picture frame
and I will watch as the blood seeps out from you
and I will hold my breath like you will
for all eternity

Sarah Beth to a friend: I wished I could convince you to tell your boyfriend to stop punching you in the face because it is leaving you deformed...

2008-05-09T23:32:00.009-07:00

...And I have a thing against the handicapped. When we met you looked better than me and that is why I wanted to be your friend. I figured most of the guys who would approach us when we were out together were really only interested in you, but I was like "fuck it maybe I can get laid."

I know life doesn't work like the movies where the ugly girl gets to take off her glasses and become a glamorous movie star. In real life I have a hard time convincing any of the boys I meet at the bar to cuddle with me after sex. I guess men naturally only want to cuddle with cute things like blankets, kittens, teddy bears, and hot chicks. (Also, unicorns?)

I know it is an uphill battle to get a guy interested in your personality. Most men are so boring themselves and obviously haven't taken any interest in developing their own personalities, so how can I expect that they might be interested in a personality to be found in someone else like me? Maybe men get angry at me because I remind them how shallow they are, ...maybe, ...But I bet most guys are so shallow that they can't be reminded how shallow they are.

I guess I could use my big tits or something to get a man, as I hear big tits are something the boys are into. After I found a guy using my big tits I could train him to think about something other than his dick. I think that's whyI am beginning to think older men are so much better. I think older guys have gotten enough pussy to calm down a bit and maybe they can get interested in the real me.

I hope so.

Also, I am sorry about you boyfriend hitting you in the face. I am so glad Kyle doesn't hit me in the face. Not that he ever gets worked up about anything I do anyway. As long as he has his pot and his goober ass friends over at the apartment and his fucking 40's/ Sorry I meant to talk about your scar and your bump/ and that face of yours/ and how I was gonna say something about it to ya. I mean that ain't right what he done and all, but ya... other than that he seems ok and most of the time he is nice and all, so... uhmm.. yeah I would take his number if you want to dump him....(Don't worry I said that last part to myself and I mostly don't even mean it!--but he is cute!!! Kinda dreamy like Adrian from the HBO show Entourage. Only even more sensitive!)

May 5th is Karl Marx's birthday which means May 1st has come and gone

2008-05-05T13:41:00.005-07:00

Today is Karl Marx's birthday. I am sure he would hate me going to work at some capitalist place of employment on his birthday. Unless he expected to borrow money from me, and if I was a friend of Karl Marx I am sure he would expect me to lend money to him.

I did nothing to celebrate May 1st this year, because I was working. Normally I like to march along with a few dozen or so of the anarchists in the middle of downtown Tempe. Mostly folks just yell at as for being counter culture. I always dress like a preppie to suggest that I am not a member of the anarchist crowd. And to let the good middle classed people know that we aren't a threat. That we don't want to blow stuff up we just want to discuss the corporate takeover of our small downtown area.

Read a book review of the war on homeless in Tempe. All I can tell you about Tempe is that most white people that live here like the Gap and if you chant songs about child labor expect to get booed from the balcony over at Hooter's, because if you can afford chicken wings and beer then you don't want to be reminded that you have a part to play in child labor abuses.

I did get asked how I celebrated May 1st by a cute school teacher. She thought May Day had something to do with Bulgaria and dressing up funny. I guess that is one way. But here is belated post explaining May Day.

p.s.

I just learned that my juice boxes come from China. I know I should not drink juices from China. Death by dioxin poison will be painful, but I deserve it.

This Week in Living the Dream is Stephanie Ragusa's Smile

2008-05-02T16:39:00.006-07:00

A few days ago I decided I was going to write a blog post entry every day for the next 30 days in each of my blogs. Well at least Self Help and here at Bathos. I have already failed. But that won't get me to quit trying.

Below is a picture of pedophile Stephanie Ragusa's Smile . I guess she looks harmless. But looks can be deceiving. If Stephanie does not look familiar to you, perhaps her story will. She was alleged to have sex with a boy in her middle school class. She got arrested and busted again while on parole for having sex with the minor again. In total she was arrested 3 times. Each time she gives the camera that creepy smile.

I was gonna quote some Nietzsche to get you to understand you can't really "know" people sometimes as they have a grasp on reality or some kind of a moral character you can't understand. But who needs 19th century philosophy when we have Shauna, a commentator, from the article on Tampa Bay online:

Posted by ( Shauna ) on April 29, 2008 at 7:57 p.m. ( Suggest removal )
I see someone who has their own code and mores, which are quite separate and different from the mainstream. This can happen among the highly intelligent. Just my 2c.

Shauna's thoughts are worth a heck of a lot more than two cents. Like Shauna I am so thankful I am highly intelligent. I know I am highly intelligent because I read my Myers-Briggs profile. I am an INFP. And it says we are all highly intelligent.

According to the INFP profile at similar minds I am "smart."

I am also:

attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

I don't think I am "emotionally" moody. Maybe I am moody, but I have no idea what emotionally is supposed to mean there.

IF you are like Sarah Beth you don't like catching your b/f jacking it to the rape scene in Hitchcock's second to last movie "Frenzy"

2008-05-01T01:22:00.010-07:00

I remember the time I caught my boyfriend jacking off to the rape scene in Alfred Hitchcock's second to last movie, "Frenzy." What was really disturbing was that he was eating a bowl of double chocolate cookie crunch ice cream at the time. It was his second bowl. I should tell you that Double Chocolate cookie crunch is my favorite ice cream flavor and he almost never leaves me any.

He tried to cover up the act by playing like he was just scratching his balls. I know how he likes to do that, so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I looked over at the TV and saw the girl he had been jacking off to, and I thought the chick in the movie was old and English and not even that cute, so I figured why would he jack off to her? Then I figured maybe he wasn't jacking to her so much as maybe he liked the idea of jackin' to a girl getting raped.

"I can't believe I am dating a fucking rapist." I told him.

And that's when he began to cry and tell me how sorry he was for masturbating and that he was 'so ashamed of it' and that he was just horny and I hadn't given him any sex for sometime. I liked how he pulled the blame game back on me and I told'em I was onto that trick. "That ain't gonna work, you can jack off to anything. Why to a rape scene?"

He didn't have an answer right away. A couple of day later he mentioned that not much was on TV that night, that he wasn't allowed any porn, and he liked the movie, and the mood just struck him, but I don't believe him at all. I have no idea what I am going to do with the cumm in that bowl. Shit like that always seems to happen to me.

I got around to watching that movie and I must say that the rape scene was well shot. I think I should apologize to my ex as I had no idea that the scene included shots of titties as I assumed that Hitchcock would never have nudity in his movies. The old woman had some nice boobs with some pretty cute nipples, and my ex had a thing for chicks with big boobs and pink nipples, so I guess it is a good thing that all the girls in my family come pre-loaded with double D's. And since I don't have any kids my tits aren't all brown or nasty. I have the cutest pink nipples. I love my nipples because they are super sensitive and they get hard whenever I want them to.

I am sure my mother would have had something to day about the jacking off incident. She would have told me to just be "happy that the old boy was giving you a day off." But the truth of it all is that I wasn't the one denying him sex. It was the other way around with my ex not seeming very interested in me. I have always been kinda chubby, not fat though, just curvy, and I had gained some weight because I discovered I really like double chocolate ice cream. But then again who doesn't? I am still a super good girlfriend. I let him watch football all day on Sunday while I do the laundry. Even though I know he just invites all his friends over to get high. But he sobers up by the time I get back, and he is in a good mood then, and I guess guys need their guy time to be happy.

I had to stop by the grocery store to get some quarters for laundry. I had to trade in pennies and nickels for the quarters because the ex spent all the paper money we had on ice cream instead of using the food stamp card. He says he doesn't like to use food stamps in front of his friends and that's when I asked him, "Well, how the hell do you think I feel when I use it?" He told me I could pretend we had kids and kids are what stamps are for, and then he said if that didn't work I could always distract the cashier by showing him my boobs. I think he noticed that I put on lipstick and mascara whenever we went grocery shopping.

And I said "what if the cashier was a girl?" But then he brought up how we always seem to go to the same cashier, and how I always went over to the same guy, and I swear I thought I actually saw a little jealousy flash in his eyes. I couldn't believe it. I felt a little guilty about it, but that cashier always stared at my tits, right in front of Mike like he wasn't even there. I know it got Mike pissed, but I liked how it made sure Mike couldn't take me for granted. I know you're thinking that lots of guys just like looking at big tits, but that cashier looking at me still made me feel good. And I like that Mike always made the ride home nice. He would actually ask me about my day and shit.

Speaking of grocery sotres. There are lots of scenes in the movie that take place in what I guess passes for a grocery store in London. Instead of regular grocery stores like here in America all they have is open air markets. I am sure there is a lot of symbolism with fruit getting crushed in scene after scene along side the raping and strangling of women, but I thought it was little heavy handed so I am not even going to point it out to you. Except to say that at one point a man crushed a "box" of grapes.

A friend tells Sarah Beth that she should really buy a cassette tape adapter to play her MP3 player in her car stereo

2008-04-30T23:40:00.009-07:00

I know you want to talk to me about how cool your wireless FM transmitter is for your i-pod, but let me stop you. For one thing I am familiar with your 1987 Volvo 740 turbo station wagon and that means I know you still have a tape deck in your car and you are probably still listening to "harden your heart" by Quaterflash whenever your husband lets you drive the car by yourself, because it is the only tape you have left from you "rock out" collection.

Sure the only time you get to leave the house with the keys to the car that you bought yourself is when you offer to take the laundry to the local coin op alone because your boyfriend promises to help you fold it when you get back. Of course we both know that you aren't going to drive all the way home with your clothes wrinkling in the backseat when you could just fold them at the Laundromat yourself.

At least your new boyfriend Kyle offers to help you with the folding. Your last guy never offered and he actually expected you to keep up with the laundry every week. I am not sure if he ever caught on to how dirty you would prefer to be. I do remember how pissed he got when he came home from work that one time to find all the clothes strewn over the floor, and you worried for a second that he might hit you even though he never did, but his temper was bad and made you cry a lot, and Kyle never gets pissed he just gets high when you take the kids out to do laundry, so I guess that is what we call a step up in this world. Score 1 point for you sweetie. Life ain't all bad.

I want you to have a good day today.

Remember how good it feels to wash the grease out of your hair with shampoo?
Cassette player adapters for mp3 players. I know you can't afford an i-pod like the one you bought your boyfriend, but the crappy 1 gig you turned your nose up at that your mom bought for you on your birthday would sound great blasting in your station wagon with the windows rolled down. (By the way wasn't it great that Kyle totally remembered your birth day and tried to warn you not to swallow if you "didn't want to" because respect is way better than anything you can buy in a store. I guess it was just too bad that you didn't hear what he said until the last second, because you still got a tiny squirt in you, but don't worry I think mouth wash cures genital warts. Anyway, those little cassette player adapters that you think only work for cd players or Walkmans can work for those knock off mp3 players and then you can listen to all your music. I could tell you that the sound quality is pretty good and I was going to try and impress you with how I looked up the "specs," but we both know we don't care about that stupid shit.

Well, I gotta go. I think Grey's Anatomy is on somewhere.

My internet girlfriend is a fox and is way more foxey than your real life girlfriend and that should be BIG news on the internet

2008-04-28T18:08:00.007-07:00

But I know the big news on the internet is that Miley Cyrus took a topless photgraph by some big name artist photographer who likes to take kiddie porn pictures. I am sure I read somewhere before that Annie Leibovitz had her kids taken away from her because she was mixed up in some kind of celebrity child porn ring.

All I know is that I don't see what the big hubub is all about as Miley isn't actually topless she has a giant bed sheet wrapped around her. I thought some of the pictures of Miley lying the the lap of her "father" Billy Ray were a little more creepy as they seem a little too comfortable with each other in such close proximity.

When I think about how foxey my internet girl friend is I wonder why you bother having a real life girlfriend. I GUESS you can just look at videos of Miley Cyrus and imagine that one day your real life girl friend will have her cankles removed.

I am sorry. I bought my man ego at that garage sale for 99 cents and I think I overpaid for it

2008-04-26T22:44:00.007-07:00

Bravado is the male cover up to sensitivity to pain. Behind the pain is insecurity. Insecurity is fear of rejection.

I am way too nice now to give you a lecture on the passive-aggressive interplay between the sexes

2008-04-25T15:29:00.017-07:00

I am on this new kick where I am exposing myself to the world for the nice guy that I really am. I am talking to you about my sensitive side, because I don't want you to think that if we were in a relationship and you brought home a kitten I would really train it by lighting your bottle of hairspray on fire and spraying it at the cat.

I mean I would light the can on fire and and spray it every once and a while just to let the cat think it is possible that not just water comes out of spray bottles and it better behave itself. I think it is important to exert dominance over animals otherwise one day they may get it in their heads to to eat you if you forget the kibbles and bits.

Speaking of me being nice here are some pictures of Britney Spears looking less fat than before. I guess if you are like Britney then you used to be cute but then you got pregnant and decided eating was way more fun that getting looked at by boys. I don't blame you for your over eating as men are assholes, and the mean truth of it all is that if Britney lost her high paying job and fame she'd just be another single mom at the community pool hoping to play house with some reformed gangster who just got out of jail for selling dope.

I don't know why you go after reformed gangsters, because gangsters don't take care of their own kids, so what makes you think he's going to take care of your smelly brats? The sad truth is he is just using you for sex and the sadder truth is you know it, but just can't help yourself. Your last boyfriend was so bad in the sack and had such a tiny disappointment for a penis that you will do anything short of shoplifting cucumbers to feel something in that stretched out womb of yours.

I applaud your life affirming decision. Most people in your situation have given up on life and have lost all their enthusiasm, but not you. It doesn't matter how much weight you gain you still feel entitled to an orgasm. I guess taking all those feminist classes in college wasn't a complete waste of money for your dad. I bet he rests at night easy knowing that your fat ass is getting hammered by a big black cock.

And I know that the reason I don't have a girl person, even a girl person like you, is that I am slacker and somehow being a slacker is worse than being a drug pusher. "At least drug pushers have ambition" and your biology compels you to mate with men who can take care of you. I understand that part of the psychology of women. What I don't understand is how you mix up the ideal of a 'man with ambition' with the current incarnation of man you are with who drinks all of your Budweiser and replaces it with the Natural Light that he steal from his pot head friends.

What makes even less sense to me is that most of the women who read this blog have money and don't need a man to take care of them. Even if they didn't have money, our modern society allows you to exert control over your own finances. But women are filled with the funniest anxieties. You all wonder how a man will react to you ending up in a wheel chair. Even though most people will never become paralyzed you constantly quiz your man over his desire to remain with you if "something truly awful ever happened to you."

The truth is most people bail in those situations, and you aren't being any different to me in my situation so stop being so judgmental. You aren't paralyzed, or horribly disfigured, but I am poor which is the male equivalant. I am a bonafide slacker and therefore I will be unable to care for you. You don't need to worry about the possibility of me running off on you as you get older and ugly, as you are already bailing out on me faster than K-fed after he gets a girl pregnant. So the real question is not if I will stick around if you get deformed, that is a difficult mental equation invlolving my emotional attachment to you that has to be balanced by my future ability to acquire someone better. I make that calculation every second I am with you and asking me to turn that unconscious mechanism off is like asking me to stop breathing. I can try for a while but all it will do is is leave my blue in the face.

No, the only real question here to ask, is are you going to look past my inability to earn to see the real human being I am? Stop obsessing over hypothetical questions about the future. Ask yourself how you feel right now.

My guess is you can't, because deep down inside women are not liberated enough yet as a species. You ask questions like that because you don't assume you can take care of yourself. You aren't really looking for a partner, just a substitute for daddy in the bad times. Plenty of men date ugly women, thereby violating the state of nature that our male gender bequeaths to us, but most homeless men have to make do with raping shut ins- no matter how witty and clever they may be- because so few women have any real confidence in navigating life by themselves.

I am nice and if you don't believe me I will punch you in the face (metaphorically) because that's what writers do

2008-04-24T04:36:00.013-07:00

I know you wonder why I never write anything nice about women. I know I am not a writer just a blogger, but you get what I mean because for some reason you actually read this blog, and you can't blame me for that, you have only yourself to blame, and whatever happened to you in your childhood.

You probably read all my jokes about fat chicks and assume I am either the misogynistic asshole I hold myself out to be, or you assume that I a jokester and all my jokes can be wrapped up in the tin foil of chub.

I have to admit that writing jokes about fat chicks is easy and I like taking the easy way out most times, but so do you. That's why you don't call your mom except maybe on Mother's Day and then you make a big thing about how you remembered her special day and sent her flowers and bought her a copy of Funny Girl, because what doesn't brighten Mom's special day like a Barbara Streisand movie?

I know your mom appreciated you sending her the flowers and she will will probably wear out the VHS in the tape you bought her. Personally I think it is about time your mom went digital. You can get a cheap DVD player for 20 bucks at Walmart.

I wrote this post to show off my sensitive side and I realize that I am not doing a great job of that but being sensitive is risky and tuff and I don't know that any of you have earned me divulging things like that to you. Even if you did I can't say that I would have done a better job of it than this and you are just going to have to accept that. The good thing is only 10 people read this blog and only 3 people listen to the podcast I work on so I won't be disappointing too many folks out there.

Disappointment is one of those things you have to learn to live with as you get older as you realize all your dreams don't come true and god in whatever infinite wisdom he claims to posses doesn't think the world revolves around you even though he gave you a momma who told you it did and he gave you the vanity to seek it out. I'm sure you momma didn't mean to lie to you, but the really cruel part of it all is that god blessed you with just enough talent to recognize how talentless you really are.

I know you may be devoid of any real talent but that never stopped a lot of people ask Rachael Hunter. Have you ever seen any of Rachael Hunter's movies? She can't act and she can't pick a script or a director and she isn't even pretty anymore, but she sure as fuck isn't going upstairs just to sit in an infant nursing rocking chair and cry about it all the while trying not to listen to the sound of her husband's rock star persona dissolve like the fake smoke plumes from a miniature train set.

No. She went up and stairs and divorced Rod Stewart and now she fucks her boy toy on the beach. All Rod Stewart does is make all those boring Christmas Albums you love so much and play with his gold plated choo choo train.

I am not sure how to make that a really happy ending for you as Rachael Hunter will continue to make those god awful made for TV movies for the E-Network. But one day God will judge her for that, and he will get his sweet revenge. I can't wait for that day, and I hope I get to heaven just so I can watch him enact it.

Me? I don't really see happy endings, but then again I am not paid to write happy endings. I am not paid to write this. There is no such thing as rainbow brite. There is no such thing as happiness. I don't like telling you that because I stay unhappy as a protest until we all get to be happy, because that is me being sensitive to your feelings, but I guess I just don't like it when you all go being happy even though that was our agreement for you to be happy.

But don't try to be happy. It's like trying to be interesting. Some of you do interesting things. It doesn't make you interesting. It just means you might be aware (unconsciously) that you are boring. I know this because some of the most interesting people do nothing all day and some of the shiniest people doing the busiest things make me want to vomit on their couch and tell them that their Labrador did it. I know the next day the Labrador won't get fed, because you plan on taking him for a ride with you in the car to the park, and you don't like throw up on your Saab's interior, but that Labrador is old and fat and could stand to miss an meal. And, yes, this means I will write fat dog jokes if you don't like me writing fat girl jokes.

I hate you and I will not stop hating you until you make yourself a better person

2008-04-17T01:28:00.016-07:00

I don't have any readers and I don't care. The smaller the audience the less I have to sell out to it.

You don't have to explain yourself to a small readership.

With so few readers I get to write whenever I want which means unlike you, with your giant fan lists and hungry blog roll, I get to wait for inspiration.

I guess it's a good thing that I don't like explaining myself, because nobody ever writes to me demanding that I tell them all the secret symbolism that I hide in this blog. I can't tell you how comforting is for me that you will all take every thing I say so literally. You're like my very own little group of wife stoning Southern Baptists.

I know none of you care, but here is one little secret I will let you in on. I named my blog Bathos for the Misanthropic after you.

You aren't a good person.

You aren't even really nice "after we get to know you." My opinion of you, is that like me, you are a bunch of misanthropes. You are all sociopaths and you hate the rest of your species even more than you hate yourselves. But most of you are just too much of a pussy to admit to it.

The joke is on you though. At least most of the time on this blog it will be. Except when you stop reading me, and then the joke is on the local Mail Box etc. where I bought all those business cards that say 'professional blogger' on them. I bought all those cards with over drafted credit cards. I always run up the maximum credit limit allowed on my credit cards and then never make payments on them.

I do that because my parents never taught me lessons about financial responsibility. The only thing they ever taught me was that the landlord has to give a renter a 3 day notice before you evict them, and that if you cry while handing your son a wooden toy wrapped in newspaper on his 14th birthday, he will cry too and say "thank you daddy for taking me to goodwill and not forgetting my birthday this year like you do most years," and then you can save all the money you would have spent buying stupid things like cake and presents for kids and instead spend all that money on whores and beer. Who do you think really deserves it more? Of course the whores do, and my liver tells me I like beer. The older I get the better I understand my daddy.

I guess I really shouldn't complain about the newspaper wrapping my daddy put on my toy, as my toy was wrapped in the sports page, which just goes to show you that my daddy did love me, as I would have picked out the sports page myself, if I were to wrap my own present. I certainly would not have fought over the comic pages like all brothers and step sisters did, even if I really wanted them and it was my birthday...

I bought a hand mirror today and I can now confirm for you what people have been telling me for years, I am balding.

I am mixed up kid. I am white trash, but I like to read and I never learned how to fix cars. Which just makes me bad at being white trash and really annoying to my middle class friends. I am so bad with cars that I don't even know how to change a battery. I googled it and watched a video and I am still confident that I am going to have to hire a Mexican or a grease monkey to come over to my house and replace my dead battery. I don't know a lot about blue collar workers, other than I think they all look like Erik Estrada, and are probably way more into ass play than you would think.

I guess everything would be ok if I had taken my love for reading and stuff to college and gotten a degree with it. Then I could afford to pay for the Mexican to take my car apart. As it stands now I can barely afford it, and so I will have to take the look that comes from some "macho" dude rolling up his sleeves and fixing on my car, but I can't shoot him back that look that says, "I don't do this because I can pay you to do this." My guess is that holding my career over a blue collar worker (who can at least fix the things I break) is about as difficult as it is to impress all the 15 year old girls I do. They fuck me. But they never look at me with any respect.

I am going to change the subject to my girlfriend. Whenever I find myself with a girl I try to imagine the things her parents (or especially her girlfriends) are telling her about me. I am sure they are asking her what she sees in me. I know I am not much to look at, so she doesn't even get points for that. I can't dance like a gay man or fix things like a He-man. When I watch movies like Rudy I don't cry like a man should. I don't choke back a few tears or a tiny sob near the climatic end of the story.

I cry throughout the entire movie like a little girl who is watching her pony get punched in the face by an on coming tractor trailer. I weep. I have to wipe away streams of tears. My face gets hot. I get flustered and my whole body turns red. I run a fever and get headaches that last all night at work.

What you would not know from that is that I have been told I have a certain kind of genius. It's not a genius that most folks would ask for. And I would have preferred something a little more bankable. You might take a guess that I am "good with words" or funny or something like that. But you are wrong. I can't make a living typing or writing anything and folks mostly laugh at me in public. I mean maybe I am funny, but lots of people are as funny as me in person. And most people think my kinda funny is mean, and that's because they think I am making fun of them. And I usually am.

To learn about my genius you would have to sit with me for a few hours at a time. Maybe even a few weeks or months or in some cases a few years. But you would start to get it then. I can be entertaining. I tend to accept you, and don't think I need to change you. I am funny. But not always ha ha funny. I don't do jokes well as you can tell, you read this blog. When you read a "joke" by me on this blog then you can bet that I am struggling with what I want to say, and I am not being very authentic about it.

I might be a genius, but I am still broke. And since I am white trash that means I don't have health care. Which is ironic because I am a hypochondriac. A hypochodriac without health insurance is pretty mixed up. Even though I always think there is something wrong with me, sometimes there really is. It's allergy season and I am having a terrible time with my allergies. I think my red runny nose and bloodshot eyes have more to do with the occasional seasonal affliction of allergies which Arizona is now known for, than the Super Aids which I am most probably dying from.

I was taking Claritin until I noticed that it causes liver damage. It also gave me a few more heart arrhythmia than I thought was absolutely necessary. Now whenever I bend over my head hurts. I am still shitting green and yellow and I think that means I have Pancreatic Cancer. I hear you die quickly with that so I guess if I you still see my writing in a few months I can deduct the P.C. from my list of worries. Actually you can deduct the cancer from your probable list of my afflictions, but I still plan on worrying about it.

I have this idea to get a hold of some kind of government services for free health care. I plan on blogging how that goes. My guess is that I am going to die of whatever infection I have right now before I ever get any access to any medical care.

I am about to pick on some of you in the medical profession. I guess it's a good thing we call it a profession and not care giving. If it were care giving you might feel bad about care denying and asking me if I have insurance or suggesting that my only hope for admittance into your e.r. is if I think I am dying. I know you don't plan on admitting me to the hospital unless I am having another heart attack, but the least you can do is take a glance at me and tell me [I mean that person] that I am not going to die or something.

Not every person who walks into your counter is trying to trick you into getting free health care. They just might be overreacting to ascare brought on by a bit of paranoia and a large amount of seeping puss. Your advice to that person to have their doctor check them out later is not much in terms of advice. It's like yelling at someone to be careful right after they fall. Nobody appreciates that kind of thing, and it just makes you look like an ass.

Looking back on the time period when I had me some health care it's kinda ironic that I am now pissed off at someone getting denied medical service. The one time I had a health care "provider" he prescribed Effexor to deal with my depression and some kind of acid reducer that was supposed to help my Acid- reflux. All it did was give me liver failure and yellow shits.

I know you think this rant has had precious little to do with you how I hate you. But you don't work in the medical profession, or if you do, and you read this blog, you diagnose me with real problems from fake symptoms. But I appreciate that. Some of you are my best friends, if I had best friends on the Internet.

I used to have the definition of Bathos on this blog:

a. An abrupt, unintended transition in style from the exalted to the commonplace, producing a ludicrous effect.
b. An anticlimax

But somebody convinced me to take it off, and that has probably confused the dumber people who read this blog. They like to pretend they know what I am talking about even though they need a dictionary just to read me. But I have already blogged about why I hate you before. Like I think you care more about dogs and cats than you care about homeless people. And I think that makes you worse than Hitler.

I got attacked by another stray dog today. Which was bound to happen given your careless attitude towards fencing your animal and the 40 billion dollars or so that you spend on feeding them. I think I should have stood my ground and kicked it a few times as the dog was smaller than me and I was pretty sure I could win the fight. But the dog was slow running up to me and the bike I ride is really fast. So fast that I doubt you could keep up with me if you were running along side of me for too long.

Also, I think you'd rather sleep in today than do anything about all those little babies with flies in their eyes in Somalia.

I'm sorry. I don't just want to make you feel bad. I wanted to make you feel good about the path we are on as humans. I had a long speech prepared for you about how tiny we are in the universe. But I composed it while at work and work frowns on me using the voice recorder while I ring up your stupid groceries. And I can't remember anything I told myself while you hunted for exact change.

For the most part my speech went on about how we are evolutionarily speaking still provincial creatures who have barely raised our collective heads out from beneath the muck of creation. Our sense of morality is based more on disgust of the other than anything helpful to us.

That doesn't bother me. Like its white trash cousins, Humankind, can't help where they come from. It doesn't bother me that you prefer sleeping well at night rather than face the forces of evil. I don't blame you for that. I have a hard time sleeping myself, and I know what a good night of rest can do for you.

I can't fault you for being a coward either. I don't like risking things myself. The guy who says it is better to have tried and failed, probably never failed at anything important, and if he did fail, he probably didn't get knifed in the back for trying it. If he did you'd wonder how he ever got around to living long enough to say all of those things about trying so much. Me? I prefer the sidelines of life. I don't need to participate in full contact sports to get a rush.

I can get a rush out of just cheering for the winner.

Today's Poop Watch is green or brown. I really need to get better lighting in my bathroom. Also, "I was Raped" makes a great T-shirt idea.

2008-04-08T15:38:00.014-07:00

I have a lot of theories. Most of you think I just make them up, but I don't. I read the science news and pay attention to the world, and then I incorporate what I learn into the heuristic structure you see before you posted on this blog. You should try it sometime. I realize women don't have the same access to deep logic and rationality that men have access to. That's because logic requires shutting down the primitive emotional brain.

Women are hard wired by evolution to be tapped into a more grounded universal and inclusive set of values that takes into account feelings and humanistic perspectives. It's what makes women better people than men, but lousy at being philosophers and scientists. [ed. note I can't find that article anymore]

Take today's lesson: Confusing sexual interest with friendliness

Men are easily confused by women. We confuse your friendliness with sexual interest for evolutionary reasons. We have no idea why you are talking to us. We can only assume that you are talking to us for the same reason that we are talking to you. Sex.

But if a man talks to you only about sex that doesn't make him a pig. We'd talk to you about other things, but you aren't very interested in the upcoming NFL draft. You don't give a shit that the Cowboys need help at the 3rd cornerback position. If you knew football you would point out that the 'boys have two of the best starters in the league. My reply to that is both of the men have suffered from injuries in the past and the Cowboys lost their 2 primary backups to free agency, but then your eyes would glaze over the way mine do when you bring up how cute fluffy-the-cat is for scratching your eyes out whenever he decides you have not been petting him enough.

Sex is the only thing most men have in common with women. Don't forget that ladies. I don't care how cute the guy in the hall way is, or how sweet and nice he seems while he talks to you. He is just thinking about how he wants to bang you, and how maybe you want to bang him, because you did not run away from him after he made eye contact with you.

Women confuse men in a variety of other ways, and sometimes they confuse themselves. It seems some women can't determine when they've been raped. I can't understand that. If I was raped I think I would know it. But not chicks. They are too complicated emotionally to give an easy answer to an easy question.

"Corrina says when she was raped years ago, she didn't even understand exactly what had happened. "

I guess that's why she invented a t-shirt. To remind herself that she'd been raped. I don't think wearing a t-shirt that says "I was raped" on top of some juicy boy shorts when you are headed out to the grocery store for some ice cream sends a good message to anyone. Especially little girls. But then again I am guy and I like sex.

Rape is one of those words women don't like men to use. We aren't supposed to talk about it. Except when we are apologizing for looking down your shirt into your ample cleavage. I am a liberal feminist when it comes to defining rape, unlike the Italian Supreme Court that says a women in tight jeans can't get raped, and unlike the almost elected official in England that said rape without "force" isn't really rape.

"Rape is simply sex (I am talking about 'husband-rape' here)... Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal…To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence.”

I guess like that guy I am just saying that if you like chocolate cake, jog around my apartment building, and wear one of those "I was raped" shirts and some cute boy shorts that say juicy on the ass. I will rent one of those windowless gray vans and follow you around. I want to tie your body up in green plastic garbage bags, and dump you into my closet over the weekend. Then I could splash ketchup on your arms and pretend to cut into your body and eat it. We could really get to know each other that way.

Raping and abducting young girls into vans ain't as easy as it used to be. I mean just check out these psycho cheerleaders courtesy of Fredrick Schwartz.

The Panama Deception

2008-03-20T23:04:00.005-07:00

I guess I am making up for all the time you waste on this site learning about Miley Cyrus by posting these videos today. I just watched the documentary The Panama Deception on Netflix. But you can watch the whole thing on youtube. Damn. I guess that means I could have had Die Hard 6 delivered to me by now. My loss is your gain. All 9 parts are available and I highly recommend it. Most people are unaware or have forgotten what we did to the Panamanian people.

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man

2008-03-19T20:32:00.008-07:00

I read this book a while back and I decided to post this video of a radio interview with the author John Perkins.

I am not broadcasting your phone number on my podcast, even if you ask me to

2008-03-18T02:56:00.007-07:00

I don't have a lot of common sense, which is why you shouldn't trust me to not play your voice mail that consists of you wishing to become a "superstar" by announcing your home phone number on my podcast. You don't just want to be famous you want to be a superstar, but like most kids today you don't think you need to do any work to be a superstar. You think it just happens overnight all willy nilly like.

Well babe I work hard everyday at this blog and podcast slaving away creating original content and now you want to piggyback the Romiustexis express and bag a little bit of his fame. I don't think so. I mean the most you could have asked for is to be famous like paris hilton because you haven't done anything. But you ask me to make you a superstar. I think one of the prerequisites for super stardom is talent. So for now the only superstar is me and the only one not being famous is you.

I don't think you realize that only 10 people listen to my podcast because nobody has gone to digg.com and submitted my podcast. I don't want to say that digg is a bunch of asshats for not approving me, but digg is a bunch of asshats for not approving me. Actually I do feel better after saying that. {go to digg right now and add me}

I don't think you can become famous by simply giving out your home phone number. Unless your idea of becoming famous is having 3 people call you in the middle of the night to wake you by screaming Hootie and the Blowfish lyrics to you. I for one don't advocate that kind of thing, but I can see how that kind of thing could happen to you.

I noticed from your area code that you were from New Orleans. I thought people from New Orleans were already famous enough. I mean I am pretty sure that was you snatching tv's from a flooded Best Buy, wasn't it?
I have another bit of advice for you. I think I might need to teach you how to hang up a telephone. Your speaking on the voicemail lasts 20 seconds or so, but the message is 3 minutes long. I think you forgot to hang up, or maybe just the last episode of the sopranos that blank space on the message is supposed to symbolize your failure to obtain the massive media coverage deserving of your celebrity, either way that's way too artsy for my audience.

My audience can't stand to sit through 3 minutes of silence. Many of my listeners are just my friends who are too lazy to read this blog, the rest are pedophiles who can't read, but like to jack off to miley cyrus' voice. I can't get that song out of my head either guys. v Make sure to listen all the way to the end of the podcast is you want to hear the girl from New orleans beg for superstardom!

The Baby of Celebrity super chef and Italian hottie Giada De Laurentiis wants MEAT!

2008-03-11T21:46:00.005-07:00

"I used to crave sweets before I got pregnant. You know, chocolate, cookies, cake. I've normally got a really big sweet tooth, but not now this baby just wants meat," she said.

GIada is preggars! As of yet there are no picture of Giada with her baby bump. As soon as there picture of a pregnant Giada you will see them here first. I am making that commitment to you. I just altered my Google news reader to update me with any of those exciting photos. NOW enjoy this!

This post is dedicated to the Honda Pilot. The Honda Pilot is in no way a vehicle for an aspiring soccer mom. The Pilot is stylish and awesome. I highly recommend it to you.

Live blogging Eliot Spitzer as he goes down in a flame of hookers (updated)

2008-03-10T15:09:00.009-07:00

I wanted Eliot Spitzer to be the next president. I wanted someone who would go after big corporations. I held out hopes that Eliot could be convinced by his familiarity with corporate shenanigans to eradicate corporate personhood.

But Spitzer is human, all too human. He got caught playing with hookers and I don't think he will survive this mess. The New York Times broke the story. My friends have additional coverage: here, here and here.

"The wiretap captured a man identified as Client 9 on a telephone call confirming plans to have a woman travel from New York to Washington, where he had reserved a hotel room, according to an affidavit filed in federal court in Manhattan. The person briefed on the case and the law enforcement official identified Mr. Spitzer as Client 9. "

Here is what we know about Client 9

He refused to use a "traditional wire transfer" to pay the organization but arranged for an Emperor's Club girl to take Amtrak down to Washington for a visit.
Client 9 seems to have used the service before.
He also thought the choice of his prostitute, "Kristen," was "great" and "wonderful."• The agency charged him $4,100 for "Kristen"'s visit.
The tryst took place in room 871 of a Washington hotel. On a side note, the domain www.room871.com has already been purchased.
Client 9 was willing to pay "extra" for "better" services. "Kristen" was a pretty brunette, petite, five-foot-five and 105 pounds.
The fee ended up being $4,300, with the "extras."
"Kirsten" did not think Client 9 was difficult, but he might have asked her to do things ("basic things") that "you might not think were safe."

4,300 dollars. The guy likes hookers. Hey, what guy doesn't? I'm just pissed that this story broke after I posted a podcast where I rant about prostitutes and $1,000 handjobs in downtown Vegas. Looks like a good deal now. I don't know how a governor can afford 4,000 dollar call girls on a civil service paycheck. That's pretty damn expensive.

(UPDATE) Spitzer earned 1.9 million last year and comes from wealthy family. He is alleged to have spent more than 80,000 dollars on hookers.

Eliot is a smart guy, how did he figure a sitting governor could get away with this? Lesson one to all you ladies out there with b/f or husbands in politics. GIVE THEM ANAL SEX. While you are at it if you want your hubbie to make it through his term give him oral. Unless your husband is republican, then dress up in "man-drag" and offer him sex in the bathroom through a hole in the wall. He's not gay, he just doesn't mind that you don't shave your legs and have a penis.

(UPDATE) Spitzer was asking for sex with no condoms. I can't see how that is unsafe. It's how god invented sex. I never wear condoms. I might have the super aids but magic johnson is going to give me the cure, so I am ok.

Update:

I was watching CNN and James Carville was on the show. He was telling Wolf Blitzer that there was no need for Eliot Spitzer to resign. Carville was wondering why the FBI was looking into a prostitution ring and speculated that maybe this was payback for Spitzer's holy rolling against Wall Street.

ABC reports that it was "suspicious money transfers, initially leading agents to believe Spitzer was hiding bribes." So apparently it was not the sex that got Eliot in trouble, but his "clever" attempt at disguising the payments to the brothel that alerted federal officials.

Where were you when Gary Gygax died?

2008-03-05T02:54:00.006-07:00

Where were you when you heard the news that Gary Gygax died? You were inside your room fiddling with your clit, because your boyfriend can't get you off. It's not just him though a lot guys have trouble getting it up for fat chicks on the rag. You are always thinking about your pleasure. Why don't you think about his a little more often?

Back in the 50's when women knew how to keep a man, a woman could actually enjoy sex without an orgasm. An ugly woman knew her place, she never felt entitled to pleasure, her pleasure came in pleasing him. We've got all this shit backwards in this century.

I'm not going to make any of those "looks like Gary didn't make his saving throw against death" jokes because that's just too easy. I'd rather make "if it wasn't for Gary Gygax making fantasy mainstream you wouldn't have met your boyfriend while working as a serving wench at the Renaissance Fair" jokes because even though they are "easy" they are true.

My attempt at Miley Cyrus porn fan fiction

2008-03-01T04:27:00.007-07:00

Miley Cyrus' skin is far more freckled up close than you would think. She pouts her lips at you and she makes funny faces whenever you tell her something she disagrees with, like that her Dad used to be way famous before her, and that women think he's sexy even with the mullet haircut.

Miley wants me to do an interview with Barbara Walters. Miley wants me to dispell rumors that I get money from doing interviews about her. Barbara will pay us 1 million dollars for the interview.

I told Miley from the moment I met her that I would never take a dollar from her. I even signed agreements that exclude the possibility of me making any money out of our relationship.

"I don't really see an upside here for me, Miley."

"Everybody thinks it's a good idea." Everybody is the lawyers and the lawyers are scared shitless that I am ruining Miley's career. I tell Miley that I will come off looking like the creepy old guy who just wants to Britney Spears her ass and get to the money.

Miley reminds me that she is an adult now.

"I'm 18. And I am totally legal. We met after I turned 18 so I don't see how you are doing anything wrong. I know you aren't some kind of pedophile." She says.

Miley is young enough to be my daughter. I'm 41 years old, so I am just a few years younger than her father. Her father is not pleased about our age difference. Though I am sure some small part of him wonders what he did wrong. Maybe bath time with daddy lasted too long, maybe old Billy Ray should put a towel on after getting out of the pool. Either way, I refuse to spank her and I never let her call me daddy in public. Billy Ray is 6 foot giant of a man and could kick my ass.

Barbara Walters is old. I am not sure what kind of lighting they use to disguise her appearance on TV but it takes 6 men and boxes of equipment to do it. The men take 3 hours to set up the shot, they place me next to Miley on a love sofa.

We had the interview at Miley's place even though I don't live with Miley. I have my own place I tell Barbara, "I even have a job and car. I can take care of myself. Not always well, like a lot of working people in this country, I don't think the policies of the current administration are helping the middle class, but I just want the American public to know that I am not using Miley for her fame or fortune."

I felt good about getting that shot off against the president and his policies, maybe something good can come from this after all.

I am not exactly sure when I started to cry during the interview. I'd like to think that is was at least halfway through it, but some of my crueler friends point out that you can see tears streaming down my cheek almost right away. I guess I was nervous.

"Did you want to do this interview?" Barbara asks. Barb does her homework. She must have someone on the inside, because Miley and me had our first and only real argument over me doing the interview.

"To be honest," I tell Barbara "not really."

"I am going to come off a bit paranoid in this part, but you'd be paranoid too. I have lawyers and publicists that tell me what to. They tell me how to answer your questions without really answering your questions. They tell me to deflect. I think that's the key word they used, "deflect." I found the publicist at didyoufuckup? dot com, and I paid them 19.99 a month for advice. I am pretty sure the website simply copies and pastes from Public Speaking 101 text books, but I don't have a lot of money to spend on things like that. I've got bills like normal people. I get 163 death threats a day. I don't think people understand that."

I think I just broke the first rule of not looking like your paranoid. I try to continue, "One day Miley could get bored with me. And when she does..." Miley nudges me with her elbow, because she gets pissed when I tell her I am just some passing fad with her, that she will grow bored with me. We have almost fights when I tell her how she has an opportunity to meet "anybody and everybody, the famous and the talented, and I can't compete with that."

Miley does her best to calm my anxiety attacks at these moments. She tells me how special I am to her, and how I make her feel, and that no one has ever made her feel the way I make her feel. Most of the times this calms me down, but when I think about it later I realize that my being with Miley is purely dependent on her emotional state and connectedness with me. I have nothing else to anchor her to me. As soon as her teenage hormones calm down I will be on my way out.

"And then I will have to go back to my normal life. Or what I mean is, I will still need to be able to have a regular life. I could get fired from my job for coming on this interview and talking about my relationship. It's going to be hard out there for me now. I don't want to be famous!"

I was basically pleading with Barbara by this point.

"Phillip McCracken is an asshole! He's the most popular podcaster and radio host of all time. And he is making my life miserable."

"All he does is spread rumors on his talk show about how he thinks he should be with Miley and not me and how old I am and how creepy I am."

I ask her, "But have you seen his Myspace page? Gimme a break the guy is totally creepier than me!"

Mom finds hero asleep in bed of 14 year old after girl leaves for school

2008-02-28T22:39:00.008-07:00

Some days I don't like getting out of bed. I'll just lay there all day. I try to think of reason to get up. I usually can't. If I need to go to work, I can get up for that. But the whole time I am getting ready I chant how "I hate my life." When I don't have to go to work I just stay inside and watch Netflix all day. In the last month I've had 19 movies delivered to me, and I've watched 18 movies instantly overt the Internet. If you add the blog and podcast to all this excitement I think you can see how I have a full life, and I have no need for marriage or a sex life.

I know you don't care how lazy I am. I am tyring to give you advice on how not to live. If you have a chance to live the dream, don't fuck it up like 27 year old Eric Gahagen did. After driving 1500 miles to bang his new underage girlfriend, he decides to take a lazy nap in her room. Bad idea Eric. Don't be lazy like me.

"Gahagen allegedly climbed into the girl’s second-floor bedroom window and hid there for more than 24 hours . . . until good old mom walked in on him sleeping in her bed. Cops also say that Gahagen claims he thought the girl was 20, yet failed to say anything when she had to leave for school. "

What? College chicks go to class, and college girls love Strawberry Shortcake lunch boxes. I hear prison is fun for lazy people who like to nap and read all day. If I could get the internet and the special "no anal penetration" wing, I could sign up for this prison thing.

Teddy, treat me like a Whore!!!!

2008-02-27T04:00:00.006-07:00

I hope I catch you reading my blog at work. If you do you better turn down the sound right now. I would for you, but Switchpod won't allow me to disable the automatic audio function, and well you've probably already figured out the rest.

Episodes 5 and 6 are up at the Self Help Center Podcast. Today's podcast features the world's most boring porn clip, Andy Rooney on Poop, and a blog post warning regarding comet and ass rubbing.

Speaking of poop, mine is yellow again, even though I haven't touched a drink in almost 2 months. Maybe all that fiber laced yogurt isn't so good for me after all. The box says to give it 10 days for best results in digestive health. I have no idea what that means, but I am pretty sure digestive health and yellow constipated poop isn't it.

It took 3 years of weak shitting to get me turned on to adding fiber in my diet. Maybe shitting is supposed to require at least a modicum of effort on my part. But I prefer the drippy wet shitting that slides out of your ass in a couple of seconds, to the thicker fiber based shits I am taking now. And I am not mentioning the fact that I can't sleep at night because of the farting and colon cramps.

I remember as a kid I used to get incredible gas attacks that my parents never fully believed in. I would refuse dinner and lie hunched over on my bed all night. My mom would check in on me now and then, but my Dad completley refused to pay for any anti-gas medication. He was a cheap bastard in those days like that.

I suppose trading in soft shitting for densely packed crap is ok, but I had no idea that waiting three days to ejaculate could get my come to look like 2 day old stiffened egg yolk. I need to get medical insurance straight away.

Monkey Muck: You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me

2008-02-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

My friend and an amazing blogger is having a bit of heart trouble. Monkey Muck: You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me.

I am sure most of you know by now, but go wish him well!

I'm not a pedophile, I just play one on the internet

2008-02-24T04:48:00.005-07:00

I have a hard time getting a date. The closest thing I have had to a date this year is a text message from a 17 year old. The text message read "I'm a vampire and I need blood." I think that is some kind of code, but I'm not sure for what. I think maybe my under age text message girl friend is involved in some kind of blood cult. She probably wants to seduce me, and steal all my blood for her vampire husband. Well unlike you perverts, I am not at all down for that kind of shit. I'm old, and so is my blood. I can't afford give any of it away, because I think my rectum is bleeding now that I am eating all that yogurt fiber and apples. Either that or the peels of red deelicious apples don't get digested. Since I don't eat apples very often I can't be for sure what I found in my toilet paper. Either way you can't be too careful.

You can't be too careful. That's a saying some of you more advanced Chomo's need to take to heart. Like if you are convicted sex offender over the age of 25 don't go bringing your high school g/f to the prom, even if she asks.

ATHENS, Ala. — A convicted sex offender remained jailed Tuesday after the 25-year-old man, posing as a teenager, was caught taking a 14-year-old girl to a dance at her middle school, Athens authorities said.

Athens Middle School faculty members stopped Gregory Ray Brooks at the gym door because he appeared to be much older than his date at the Friday dance, Athens Superintendent Orman Bridges Jr. said.

"He didn't look like the 17-year-old he said he was," Bridges said. "The faculty did an excellent job of monitoring who was coming in and catching this guy. They kept him from other students and maybe helped this young lady out of a bad situation."

Watch this You Tube Rant of Noam Chomksy and then try and watch the House Republicans scare you into being spied on

2008-02-23T23:41:00.004-07:00

iF THAT YOUTUBE MADE YOU FEEL GOOD. tHEN TRY THIS VIDEO THAT WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. oohhhhHHHHH plEASE BRING BACK THE WIRETAPPING...pREZIDENT bUSH THINK'S IT A HECK OF AN iDEA!!! MAYBE THE fbi THINKS THEY NEED TO SPY ON GAMERS sINCE THEY CAN'T WATCH US ANYmORE

I read disappointing news on the Internet

2008-02-23T06:01:00.008-07:00

I just read some very disappointing news on the Internet. The maker of Enzyte, the little pill that provides for big "male enhancement," has been found guilty of fraud in a court of law.

"Steve Warshak, whose conviction was reported Friday by The Cincinnati Enquirer, is founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which distributes Enzyte and a number of products alleged to boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss and aid restful sleep."

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I can never catch a break. I've only had a job for 5 months, so I have not saved enough money to buy any of Steve's pills yet. But that was the plan. I was going to buy a crap load of Enzyte and leave the boxes of pills outside like a Hansel and Gretel trail. I need a girlfriend and I am sure this was going to be the idea that finally worked for me.

It turns out you can't buy a bigger dick in a pill box. I don't know if I need a bigger dick. I've always been able to orgasm with my current size. Though lately I think I have rubbed off all the sensitivity from my penis because of all the furious masturbating I've been doing. I wrap aluminium foil around the head of my cock and yell obscenities at myself. My new technique has left me raw and orgasm-less for a week. And now to top off all that I won't be able to grow a new dick. I am so disappointed that I can't trust a company who's advertisements ran "We couldn't say it, if it wasn't true." I guess you can say and I guess it's not true. What I am saying here is that the Big Dicked Nazis win again, and small penised (I know you prefer to call yourself large clitorised) guys lose again. [NSFW LINK TO HELL'S BEST NEWSPAPER]

I don't know many White people, but the white people I do know sure do scare me

2008-02-19T00:09:00.017-07:00

I am sure they scare you too. I am white so I don't really have much to worry about from them. If you look white then they pretty much leave you alone.

If you are person of color be happy for every day that goes by without a white person bothering you. But when you are white trash like me, you wonder why you don't have any white friends from the country club that can get you one of those high paying, do-nothing jobs you are always hearing colored people complain about.

What I am saying is that it sucks not knowing any of the right white people, because the right white people have all the money, and all the jobs. I decided to try and meet some of those white people on the Internet, and that's why I started this blog. Only all the white people I meet online are bigger freaks than me because you'd have to be a big ass freak or maybe a hipster to think anything I say is funny, and not mean, offensive and sick like it really is.

I found a site that gives the best advice about how to deal with white people. It's called Stuff White People Like. I looked up this site right after I discovered I was being cyber-stalked by a white chick who's friends enjoy cooking and eating her placenta. I hope I didn't just piss off my first, number 1 superfan, and even though I hate to admit it, I got a bit freaked out reading Frieda Bee. I still love F. B and I don't care if you eat your babies or you are into cannibalism because you can't help those kind of things. Your white people, and it's in your culture, and if there is one thing white people know, it's that you can't make fun of someone because of their culture.

I was warning my only other white friend, greensunflower, about how a lot of the white people next door to her could be closeted (or not so closeted) cannibalists, when she offered to Fed Ex me her placenta after she got pregnant. Sunflower told me that eating the placenta was quite common in other cultures, and if there is one thing we all know about white people, it's that they love borrowing strange cultural artifacts and traditions from crazy ethnic people, and adopting those traditions as some kind of 'alternative' yet also somehow more authentic culture than their own.

All my non-white friends find white-hipsters adopting their ancient ways to be a white cultural peculiarity that is particularly distressing to them. But once again, that's just non-white people not getting white people, and the things we care about, like my Netflix. I've got to admit that the first time I read that hipsters like Netflix on stuff white people like I got like real pissed off and shit, but then I realized that my love of NetFlix is just ironic, so it's cool again, or maybe not. I'm not really clear on this. But I am not as hip as I'd like to be, because I still think everybody wants to be a preppy and not a hipster. I have no idea why white people wear baggie pants past their ass. I thought that was a trick only black people and puerto ricans could pull off. Now I see all the greasy hipsters doing it and I am sure that I am supposed to want to do it too, but for the love of god I really don't.

I mean I am a slave to fashion as much as the next guy. I wore bell bottom pants when I thought they would never get back in fashion. And now I am slowly warming up to the idea of being turned on by women in skinny jeans and flats. When enough hot chicks start wearing something, I begin to associate all that hottness not with the chicks, but with the clothing style. And since I think 35% of all women are hot, you can bet I love me some skinny jeans. Go ahead and taper your jeans white girls and throw some of those creepy fug boots on, even though fug is out of style, so much so that I guess it just got back in style for people who love saying that they don't care about style by being the most stylish person they know.

I guess I just summed up why I hate hipsters in one long run on sentence. I'm not sure how this rant went away from me protecting colored people by explaining why white people scare me, to me hating on hipsters, but I never promised you any real helpful advice on anything, did I?

The Self Help Center Goes Podcast!!!!

2008-02-15T23:50:00.007-07:00

Go visit the The Self Help Center Podcast!

I know you guys are too lazy to read !! Go digg me and subscribe to me on I-tunes. Make me famous bitch! You can call me at 623-239-8052 and leave me a voice mail for the blog or podcast! Or just push the call button and leave your phone number (you can keep your number private) and the voice mail will call you and you can leave your message.

I've disabled the podcast player, but you can always play or download an episode from my switchpod feed, or subscribe to me via i-tunes!

This Week in Netflix means I review movies that you were never going to watch in the first place and make jokes you can only get if u watch them

2008-02-13T02:56:00.012-07:00

I love my pathetic fan girls. I just said I love you and I that was the first time in a few years that someone told you they love you, and the last time was probably your uncle right before he slipped a dirty fingernail into your asshole. Because you are one of my pathetic fans I like to keep you informed about the minutia of my life. Like what I am doing all day now that I am no longer a pro poker player. Mostly I just watch movies on the internets and play poker a little bit less. Last night I won 60 dollars, it should have been a lot more but I made a couple of obvious mistakes.

I tried making a "move" i.e. bluff on a tight player just because she was female and mexican and you know how I have "issues" with mexicans because I was once married to a mexican. I don't want to give you the false impression that I don't like hispanics, because I love peruvians and paraguayans. Just not the mexicans, well at least the female ones.

Only an asshole could think this is a picture of my mexican ex wife.

I'm going to give you some advice and it's going to be free because you can't afford to donate any money to me on paypal. All your money goes to porn, war of worldcraft, and to feeding your homeless cats even though those homeless cats won't live with you or snuggle with or even rub against you which is just a cat's way of having sex with you. I think it's kinda pathetic, but as you can see I have my own pathetic hobbies and those hobbies include seeing any and every movie ever made no matter how much it sucks. I have rated at least 500 movies on Netflix and the average of those ratings is 3.5

I know most movies aren't that good. Most movies are crap and the people who figured that out already drink bottles of wine, and wear nice slacks, and have girlfriends who only use quality hair product that cost more than my car payment.

I know most of this rant has nothing to do with me reviewing movies and the people who discover my blog via search engines get pissed when they read my blog, because my blog posts never have anything to do with the title, or the key word term is so far buried into the post that they get bored reading my shit like this asshole:

"Die. Seriously, your life is not worth it. This post talked about something totally unrelated to the title, then about 1/3 of the way in changed to the "real" post, which then rambled on about nothing before finishing inconclusively. I regret reading this post, it was a waste of my time when I could have been eating, sleeping, or reading anybody else's* posts, all of which are better than this."

I like the fact that the guy uses an asterisk to qualify his argument. I also think this guy has a point and I should probably die, and if it's any consolation to him I have not had a firm shit since I stopped eating all that yogurt with added fiber, because all I ever did on it is have amazing cramps and farts. I am pretty sure that weak shitting is a sign you are dying, and if I am wrong it's probably because I am not a doctor just a barely employed cashier who's last ten outings to play poker have payed off unlike my pal Card Shark. I can't remember the last time that guy won him some money playing poker, but if I know him he's probably told his girlfriend that he's won thousands of dollars, and is going to buy her a Porsche, and she can finally believe in love again.

I know that last crack is going to piss somebody off, but they should just understand that I only insult family, and those I love, or people I am really acquainted with, or whom I respect, or people I think could take it, but sometimes I just can't help myself and say things I know I shouldn't, but the other person shouldn't get mad either because he's a bit of a hard ass himself on people, and a sign of maturity is taking as good a you are giving, and I don't mean that in some kind of anal penetration pornographically veiled reference. I guess what I am really saying is that you should take it as a compliment, and not get all butt hurt, because if you want to get offended by something, get offended by the 10 million babies who will die trying to suck the last bit of tit juice out some poor refugee mommy with flies stuck in her eyes. At least your feet are warm and your microwave oven works.

If you'd like we can get to the part where I review movies in 10 seconds or less.

Secret Things I have yet to complete watching this film.
02/11/08
00:00:40

Protagonist Ditto.
02/11/08
00:14:17

The Bridesmaid *** (see review below.)
02/11/08
00:21:30

Grindhouse: Death Proof ***
02/10/08

I watched this movie in the theater with a friend. Card Shark thought it sucked and I liked it, but not as much as the critics who panned the other movie it was shown with in a double feature theatrical release, even though the other movie had a hooker with a machine gun in her leg. The description of this "released individually" movie says they added 30 minuted to this film but I can't tell where. The movie kinda dragged the first time I saw it. And it drags here as well.

I like the first act of the film better than the Zoe stunted car chase of the second act, but as usual I am alone in my opinions. There is a lot of chatty kathy talk in the beginning and for some reason which you probably can't guess I like that.

00:32:12
Grindhouse: Death Proof ***

As you can see I watched this movie in fits and starts and most of the time I just had it going on in the background to divert me from realizing how boring surfing the web is.

02/09/08
00:53:49
Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man

This movie gets 4.5 stars. Even though it basically tries to redeem Ralph Nader in the eyes of progressives who think he is a nutjob who cost Al Gore the election and is responsible for the Fascism of the Bush Administration. With all that going against him the movie made me like him again, but maybe I am just gullible like that.

02/08/08
01:59:47
Descent

I have not finished this movie and I am not sure I will finish it. Ok, I will but just for you, and to silence the strange obsessive compulsive disorder I have. My disease comes at me from weird places like: I can't stand reading the last word of the last line of a book until my eyes are done with the rest of the pages. If I even glance at the last page of a book before I am finished with it I will break into sweats.

This movie is the Lesbian Hard Candy. Rosario Dawson plays a college student in the movie. Which would be fine if she played a 30 something who went back to school, but she is supposed to be playing an 18 year old kid. That shit doesn't play. Neither does the "rape" scene which looks like every sex scene I've ever experienced. The girl pretends she isn't horny, and I pretend she isn't a mentally retarded 14 year old who moans when she eats mayonnaise.

02/07/08
00:55:43
The Bridesmaid
02/06/08
00:43:53

Surface: The Complete Series: Episode 1 (pilot) **** (That's 4 stars in case you don't get it.)

02/05/08
00:04:20 (That's the time stamp in case you don't get it.)

Netflix instant browse does this awesome thing where if you stop watching a movie and then play it at another time it starts up right where you left off. Which means if you ADD like me you will never get through a movie in one sitting again. But I say fuck directors in their holier than thou "watch my move the way it was meant to be seen" shit.

I thought this show was another sci-fi tv show that was on at the same time as the show I used to watch. Only that show was part x-files and part this show without all the cute fuzzy E.T. shit. The pilot for Surface is not too bad, because I count at least 1 teen girl bikini scene in the first 5 minutes, but that's when I turned it off.

The Parallax View
02/05/08
00:52:34

I watched this movie like 4 times before I got through it. The beginning is cheesy 70's. I guess stunt men didn't know how to throw or take a punch back then because the action sequences are so amateurish they forced me out of my suspended disbelief, if you can believe that.

I like conspiracies and this movie has one. The movie opens with a news conference about a congressional hearing. Congress assures us that some crazy person shot somebody and it has nothing to do with the new world order and the new world order wants to eat you. In other words it reads like it came out of the 9-11 hearings or from some Ron Paul supporter. Pure wacko. The end of the movie is good and that makes up for it starring the guy from Reds, Warren Buffy. I wrote 'the guy from Reds' because I couldn't remember his name and I don't feel like IMBD'ing everything.

The Parallax View
02/04/08
00:33:42

Lightning Bug
02/03/08
00:51:50

This movie could have been a good movie, or at least an awesome indie flick. But they got the casting all wrong. The guy who plays the lead looks to old to play teen and doesn't even make an effort at faking a southern accent. I don't want to berate the actor because he's likable and maybe he's a good actor. He's just not southern, he gives off an air of intelligence the rest of the movie characters don't have, because they are too busy playing up over the top stereotypes.

The movie is produced by Laurie "even her name sounds annoying" Prepon. Laurie is the red head from That 70's show. I like her. She's hot and I like to pretend that my last g/f looked a lot like her. I can't remember what my last g/f looked like, but you get the picture. This movie also stars Hal Sparks. I don't know why.

I gave up on this movie 4 or 5 times and kept coming back. One reviewer on Netflix complained about an obnoxious and gratuitous sex scene inexplicably dropped in the middle of the movie. I agree with everything that reviewer said. I can't understand why if you are going to introduce a sex scene, just for the hell of it, why you wouldn't expose at least one of Laurie's breasts. None were. So what's the point?

Maxed Out ****
02/02/08
00:57:12

A really good, solid documentary. If Frontline is on and it's a repeat and you really want to get your Frontline on, then watch this movie.

No End in Sight ****
02/01/08
01:39:43

Ditto. Only more so.

Lightning Bug
02/01/08
00:44:33

The Parallax View
02/01/08
00:17:03

The Bridesmaid
02/01/08
00:38:56

Another movie that took multiple viewing to get through. Only this one is in French so if you want to watch it, you have to read. *

Maxed Out
01/31/08
00:24:22

Claire Dolan
01/31/08
01:35:43

I reviewed this movie previously.

The Contract
01/30/08
01:29:49

The Girl from Monday
01/30/08
00:12:44

The Ten
01/30/08
01:31:16

Night Watch
01/30/08
01:48:32

* I ain't done reviewing all these movies but even I am running out of steam on this. Come back in a day or two to read the rest of the reviews.

The FBI wants to build a 1 billion dollar biometric database so they can trace the "tramp stamp" you got on your back during Spring Break

2008-02-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

As a kid I was forced to take a baths with my brother until we were 11. We didn't like it and we used to record ourselves making up stories and insulting our parents on cassette tapes. We knew they could get listened to, but weren't worried. We were sure we would erase the tapes and no one would be any wiser. Boy were we wrong.

We forgot to erase all the tapes we made and our cousins found the tapes. My cousins were totally pissed off at what they heard and ran and told on us. My parents wanted to yell at us for all the shit we talked, but after they listened to them they couldn't bring themselves to do it. They thought the tapes were just too funny.

I guess that's how I would describe the Bush administration and the e-mail scandal. Bush and Cheney are just a couple of 10 year olds at bath time ragging on their parents, with the cocky sense that they will never get caught. But just like me and my brother they got caught! But nothing will happen to them.

Thinking about those fake radio tapes my brother and I used to make has made me consider buying a microphone and a mixer so I can restart my old podcast, News from the Surveillance Society.

Here are a few more stories I'd have to report if I was still podcasting.

The FBI is looking to create a massive database on you that will profile your every detail down to your earlobe, iris and fingerprints, how you walk, tattoos, etc. Total Information Awareness is still the goal of the government under G. W. Bush. He has just hidden the spying, by splitting it into many parts, and hidden the TIA agenda, by breaking it into bite sized pieces.

Ford is selling a truck that comes equiped with RFID technology. "An in-dash display will then show what's in your truck so you can tell right away if someone snagged your hammer, or, hopefully, you just left it at the job site."

What I killed today

2008-02-03T04:51:00.000-07:00

"My primary directive in life is to exhibit compassion wherever possible."

That quote is taken from the blog profile of a woman "kills animals as part of work with a lot of injured wildlife. Also not wild animals that are just in a lot of pain. Sometimes I have to euthanize them. I decided to record each animal I euthanize here."

She is a vegan, married, and a trapeze artist. And I guess she frets over killing the animals. But I hate animals. And this site is dedicated towards me becoming a serial killer. We all know how serial killers start out killing tiny, defenseless beings before moving on to tuffer kills. I'm to blood shy to actually get my kill on, but now I can vicariously share in the thrill of murder. The prose is sparse and the descriptions are laconic.

the dog whimpered with the injection and tried to fight it a bit. then he laid down and rested.
I didn't kill it but I watched a hamster die today.

I thank you trapeze flying, vegan, veterinary tech girl for the third best orgasm of my life.

Source.

Spies of the Robot target me. I fight back.

2008-02-02T03:24:00.000-07:00

For 25 dollars you can protect yourself against spies. The hidden camera detector from thinkgeek.

"When a wireless camera is detected, an LED light flickers and an audible alarm sounds. Advanced circuitry reduces false alarms from background interference and a sensitive tuner allows you to automatically scan variable distances and channels. The unit detects frequencies from 50MHz to 3GHz."

"robot vs Puppy" will not be pleased.

Source:

Stop paying for Netflix. I have Netflix. I watch the movies you don't, and review them for you.

2008-01-27T04:20:00.001-07:00

I review Claire Dolan. A movie you have never seen before.

WHY YOU WILL HATE THIS FILM.

I watch movies like Claire Dolan because I have class, and you don't. You probably sit around all day eating Cheetos and watching movies like Norbit on Cinemax. You think movies with over-stylized acting and slow pace suck. You like movies with action and a plot that makes sense. You don't like movies that are "clinically austere" and movies who's actors are "cold and affectless." You hate long movies with lots of conversation. You won't sit through a movie that tries to get by with just dialogue.

I jacked off before watching this movie. I don't recommend you do the same. Because the movie is about a hooker. And movies about hookers usually have lots of sex in them. Claire Dolan not only is a movie with lots of sex, but with tons of tit scenes. The tits of actress Katrin Cartlidge appear on screen for more time than any other character in the movie. Katrin gives an incredible performance. And her tits are magnificent. Several times in the movie Katrin wears a deep v-neck white blouse. Katrin has a longer than average torso and small pert breasts that are perfectly exposed by the office sexy sheer materials of her 500 dollar top.

SYNOPSIS

Claire owes a great deal of money to a very bad guy. Like most women who are born "whores" she decides the best way to pay it off is to become a hooker. After Claire's mommy dies she gets sadder than a woman who sells herself for money to pay a debt to a very mean and large bad guy. Claire decides to runaway from her life in New York. Claire's idea of a good hiding place from a big time pimp from NYC is Newark. Claire's cousin lives in Newark. In Newark, Claire, can stroke the faces of random babies without drawing too much attention.

Like all failed prostitutes Claire tries her hand at cosmetology. She listens and tends to boring women by cleanng their nails. Katrin the actress has very nice nails. I can imagine myself as a reporter ready to introduce myself to her before a publicity interview. I'd be really nervous. I'd fear she'd be bored by me and another publicity interview. I am sure she is until I remark what nice nails she has. I tell her that I am surprised that she has "real" nails and compliment her on all the "hard work" of taking care of her nails. Katrin would thank me for noticing. She would flirt with me and let me in on her little secret "that men rarely understand the difficulties women go through in order to have natural nails."

Claire eventually meets Elton. A man she decides to have a baby with. Elton is a nice regular guy who drives a Taxi. Elton is played by Vincent D’Onofrio from Law & Order who decided not to shave for the movie and is a real life schizophrenic. I think Elton has an ex-wife and a kid. I am pretty sure there is a scene where he is talking about sending child support check to his ex-wife. Only he never says the words "child support." We do meet a 13 or 14 year old girl that could be his daughter. He drops her off at home and gives her money. He then tells the girl not to tell her mother that he is giving her money. "Buy yourself something nice." He tells her. She thanks him, but she never calls him dad. In fact she calls Elton by his first name. I thought that scene was a little creepy. But maybe I am just reading into things.

Elton is a not such a nice guy. We know he buys a prostitute later in the movie. Ostensibly he buys the prostitute to know what Claire is going through in her life as a hooker. But the hooker he buys just happens to be the hooker from Budapest that Claire finds quite beautiful. Elton follows Claire around after her pimp discovers Newark is just a cab ride away from Downtown. The pimp drags Claire back and forces her to go back to work. Elton follows Claire to a "date" and watches as she fucks another guy. At first Claire seems turned off by the idea of fucking her John while her soon to be Baby's Daddy is watching. But like all good workers she just grunts her way through it.

THE CHARACTERS

The male "heroes" in these kind of movies always get punched, but never defend themselves. They are terrible fighters who go down on one punch. Like a punch to the gut. Followed by some chocking. Elton is no exception, so when Colm Meany tells him "I've been expecting you." I was totally expecting Elton to get his ass kicked. No disappointment, he does. Though Colm buys him a shot to make up for the ass kicking, and he gives him some wonderful advice. "You can't make a ho' a housewife."

After Elton finds out that his new girlfriend is a sex worker he rushes straight home to have sex with her. Followed by an akward scene where an axious Elton asks Claire if she had an orgasm during their recent sex act.

"Did u cum?" He asks.
Can't you tell? She replies.

Elton and Claire do not discuss Cuckoldry, they discuss how they will get through "this." Elton offers Claire money to help pay off the debt. And like a hooker Claire accepts the money.

I know if you were making this movie, your hooker characters would not have the same hang ups as ordinary women. That would make your girlfriend too uncomfortable. But just like your girlfriend, after fucking another guy, Claire-the-hooker misses her boyfriend. She calls him sometimes just because she misses him. She even gets ticked off at him when he has to go out of town on buisness. I don't know a lot of cab drivers who need to go out of town on buisness. Maybe there was some kind of taxi cab driver convention he needed to go to. Unlike Claire I think we should give Elton the benefit of the doubt. Instead Claire just gives Elton one of those passive aggressive pissed off faces women are famous for.

Katrin Cartlidge definitely has that pissed of girlfriend look down. I was so turned on by Katrin that I kept interrupting the flow of the movie with fantasies about married life with the young hot actress. That is until she sported the sorta bored "oh really" look every guy in the world has seen. You know what I am talking about, right guys? If you still don't know what I am talking about and your boyfriend is reading this review out loud to you, go look at yourself in the mirror right now. That's the face I am talking about. That's the face she gave Elton and the face that told me that I too could get bored looking at the face of Katrin.

After sometime we find that Claire has moved to Chicago and has trouble finding a job and is interrupted while eating lunch by former John's.

Elton marries another woman and gets her pregnant. He remains a wimp of a man. When he and his new wife bump into the pimp on the corner of a street, he is fearful that the pimp will reveal his secret life to his bride. However, the pimp only mentions the birth of his new son while fondling Elton's wife's protruding belly.

The End.

The Total Box Office for this movie was: 0 dollars. This movie has been awarded the Seal Of Approval. If you don't like this movie you are an ignorant ass.

Because I Promised I would

2008-01-26T01:54:00.000-07:00

I give you something that none of you, but the Drug Monkey, have ever given me. Money. Don't you like me better now?

2008-01-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

First I tell you the story of how I was married.

I was married a few years ago. If you gueesed that I wasn't married very long, you'd be right. I think it was for like 8 or 9 months. Just long enough time for all my friends to grumble about giving me a wedding present. But not long enough for me to feel bad about not giving my presents back. Not that I could have given them back if I wanted too, since the Mexican wife took them with her after she left.

At the age of 15 Mexican fathers must stop molesting their daughters and then allow them to get married. It's the law.

I like to think of myself as a champion of interracial marriage because I bang a lot of Latinas. I used to think I had some kind of strange power over Mexican women. And not just because I convinced a Mexican to marry me. I can't go to Circle K without some chubby Hispanic girl giving me the eyes. I thought Mexicans just loved white people. I figured any Mexican who ran across the border probably identified more with her Spanish heritage than her indigenous side. I was wrong.

Turns out Mexicans just dig me because I am short. 5 foot 8 for a white guy is pathetic, but deep in the Mexican jungle, I am god-like. White alabaster skin and I block out the sun with my height. I think jungle natives make a sacrifice of 2 teen virgins a week to me. It's not that strange that Mexican women love me I guess. They figure a midget like them can't get with a talll white guy, and they know don't want to settle for a short mexican man since they jumped the fence . And while I might be short compared to your boyfriend, I am the Kareen Abdul-Jabbar of Mexico. Any cute Mexican girl worth her margarita salt is not going to pass up an oppurtunity like that.

My Mexican ex-wife liked to complain about how I was always on the Internet. She hated how I was always rating hot chicks on, Am I hot or not, or blogging for you fools. She did not see my time on the Internet blogging as any kind of career move for me. I'm sure she'd change her mind if she'd heard how after I placed my donate button on this blog I'd been able to earn a cool total of $3.63. All thanks to this nifty little post. With that kind of money I could put her in that nice trailer I was always threatening to move her into. In spite of the many faults that my ex-wife discovered in me, I am nothing if not loyal to my friends. And you Internet creeps are my only friends. So I've decided to let you in on a little money making secret that discovered.

I let you in on the Internet making money scheme I know about for free.

I was afraid of getting married. I had no less than 3 panic attacks before the big day. After we got married I had a heart attack. Well at least that's what I am calling it. You didn't look at my chart, so what would you know? All I know is the whole mess cost my insurance company 10, 000 dollars so there must have been something to it.

Before we got married the wifey would ask me daily when we were going to "be legit?" I tried ignoring her questions, but soon she was asking it 5 or 6 times and hour. It got to the point that I hated going to the mall with her, because she would always drag me to some jeweler to take a look at the engagement rings. The salesman would ask when the big day was and she'd become indignant, "He hasn't even asked me yet!" She'd scream at him, like it was his fault.Well eventually she found a ring she like and she told me that she really wanted to get the ring. I said sure and she said, "But you haven't even asked me yet."

So that's how she got asked, in the middle of some mall quietly so as not to alert the salespeople to our little indiscretion. We had to put the ring on her credit because mine is ..well it's about what you'd think it is. Craptastic. And she told me that the payments would come out of my paycheck. And they did. To the total of something like 2500.00 dollars. I'd like to think I had the least romantic marriage proposal in history, but I think we should all ask Card Shark to tell his story sometime. It's frigging hilarious.

I know what you are thinking. All this backstory and you still haven't mentioned how you are going to make me some money. If in the last 14 year like me you were somehow convinced to buy a sharpened piece of compressed carbon for one of your significant others you can get a rebate on the purchase price.

Seems the evil guys over at De Beers got caught in some corporate misdeeds and settled a lawsuit for 275 million dollars. Now that's not what I'd just call corporate malfeasance, I think I'm gonna have to call shenanigans on that. Actually, evil-shenanigans. Because my shenanigans are just cheeky and fun.

Go here to collect your money. You only have a few months as the deadline is May 18, 2008.

And after you collect your check think about your old friend Romius t. and how he doesn't have a lap top computer to call his own. Think of how he pines away at all the cool and totally "legit" part time bloggers at Starbucks, sipping lattes, posting blogs, and pretending to write that screenplay. And maybe, just maybe you think you can enjoy all the stuff you'll buy with that big shiny check without sending a tithing or two my way.
I dare ya.

Snuggles,
t.

I teach you things about Lesbians

2008-01-24T02:31:00.000-07:00

I like the fact that the only people who read me are fat lesbians. I say fat lesbian like there is some other kind of lesbian. I am sorry about that fat lesbian crack. I know a lot of fat lesbians. And I don't mean to hurt your feelings. Most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians. So I've learned a few things about lesbians because of that.

Like I know there are Boy-lesbians. Boy lesbians look like little boys. They have short spiky hair, they wear boxer shorts and hang their pants off their ass like gangsters do. Boy lesbians scare the shit out of me. Boy-lesbians are militant feminists. And even though they are anti-penis they love penetration. But sometimes boy-lesbians try to pass themselves off as men. I know you aren't trying to be a man, because being a boy-lesbian is so much fun. You know like finding out what it's like to pay for dinner and shit. Boy-Lesbians [aggressives] love to hook up with lipstick lesbians.

Lipstick lez's aren't even lesbians, they are just tired of guys getting "off " before they finish their orgasms. Watch out for a Lipstick lesbians. They will blame you for all their sexual problems. I know a lot of lipstick gals who've never used a vibrator or explored their pussies with a mirror or even watched an entire episode of Rosanne. How do they expect to achieve orgasm with some one else when they can't even give one to themselves?

The other kind of lipstick lesbians can only get off using a vibrator and so have ruined themselves for normal dick. I have two words for those bitches. Fuck no. I am not inserting a metal rod sideways into my dick just because your shit is so stretched out from giant black dildos and numb from that pocket rocket electrocution that you can't feel my three inches of thunder.

If you are a fat lesbian reading this and getting pissed off at me, stop getting pissed. I know you aren't the kind of fat lesbian that turned her vagina away from dick because the guys don't like you. You're fat. But not ugly. If you had a six pack of beer, a copy of planet of the apes for us to watch, and could laugh at my jokes for an hour, you could get laid by me.

Then there is the reluctant lesbian, or the lesbian who just had too much testosterone mixed in her mommie's baby sack. Reluctant lesbians know that lovin' a chick is wrong and will get them to hell. But they have such overgrown clits that every time a hot chick walks by they get a boner like you did in 6th grade swim class. Remember how you forgot your swim trunks that day and had to borrow a pair of green see-through speedos that the school supplied for the idiots who forgot their trunks? All those cute girls walked past you and you checked out their stiff nipples and you got a boner? Only nobody knew you had one because you hadn't hit puberty yet, so your little wiener was more a like a a Vienna sausage than a life-sized cock.

I have no idea if that's why you developed that fetish for naked male /clothed female porn, or if the Vienna sausage thing got you excited about Sigmund Freud, and he made you want to be a psychologist until you figured out that would require a lot of work, and you where a lot more interested in jacking off than reading books and doing your homework.

(I can teach you a thing or two about fat chicks.)

Because you are not the kinda fat chick who's pussy stinks, you may not know a lot about stinky pussy. First point of fact. If you are fat chick and if you think you have never had a stinky pussy, then I have some seriously fucked up news for you. Your pussy stinks. Your pussy always stinks and it's stinking right now. Do me a favor. Sneak a peak down there. Ok, now go smell that finger. I hope we got clear on this, Captain Tuna! You get my point.

The best thing about fat chicks is they have cleavage. And the best thing about cleavage is it look a lot like ass, only tits and cleavage don't drip shit out accidentally. The scary thing about fat tits on chicks is sometimes those chicks don't really have big tits. I mean sometimes it looks like they got a big rack. But sometimes those tits will turn out to just be a big fold. Some fat chicks have a skinny girl's small tit genes and just love to eat. And some fat chicks just have the random bad luck to have small tits and a giant frame. I've paid money for freak shows, but I always ask for my money back it they show me into a room full of fat chicks with tiny tits.

Some things are just too freaky, even for t.
snuggles.

p.s. funny thing is I wrote all this shit before I watched the documentary "aggressives." I just watched the documentary because I downloaded it for free from the public library. I'm pretty fucking smart. I can down load movies for free. I remember reading just a few years ago that Enron and blockbuster partnered up to deliver movies at home over the internet. Somehow neither of these companies, one a technology company and the other a company that has a shit load of movies, were able to overcome the difficulties. Now the freaking phoenix library can let you watch aggressive lesbians for free on the internets.

p.s.s. I prefer the term I invented for aggressives, boy-lesbians. Don't you?