Some days I don't like getting out of bed. I'll just lay there all day. I try to think of reason to get up. I usually can't. If I need to go to work, I can get up for that. But the whole time I am getting ready I chant how "I hate my life." When I don't have to go to work I just stay inside and watch Netflix all day. In the last month I've had 19 movies delivered to me, and I've watched 18 movies instantly overt the Internet. If you add the blog and podcast to all this excitement I think you can see how I have a full life, and I have no need for marriage or a sex life.
I know you don't care how lazy I am. I am tyring to give you advice on how not to live. If you have a chance to live the dream, don't fuck it up like 27 year old Eric Gahagen did. After driving 1500 miles to bang his new underage girlfriend, he decides to take a lazy nap in her room. Bad idea Eric. Don't be lazy like me.
What? College chicks go to class, and college girls love Strawberry Shortcake lunch boxes. I hear prison is fun for lazy people who like to nap and read all day. If I could get the internet and the special "no anal penetration" wing, I could sign up for this prison thing.
I hope I catch you reading my blog at work. If you do you better turn down the sound right now. I would for you, but Switchpod won't allow me to disable the automatic audio function, and well you've probably already figured out the rest.
Episodes 5 and 6 are up at the Self Help Center Podcast. Today's podcast features the world's most boring porn clip, Andy Rooney on Poop, and a blog post warning regarding comet and ass rubbing.
Speaking of poop, mine is yellow again, even though I haven't touched a drink in almost 2 months. Maybe all that fiber laced yogurt isn't so good for me after all. The box says to give it 10 days for best results in digestive health. I have no idea what that means, but I am pretty sure digestive health and yellow constipated poop isn't it.
It took 3 years of weak shitting to get me turned on to adding fiber in my diet. Maybe shitting is supposed to require at least a modicum of effort on my part. But I prefer the drippy wet shitting that slides out of your ass in a couple of seconds, to the thicker fiber based shits I am taking now. And I am not mentioning the fact that I can't sleep at night because of the farting and colon cramps.
I remember as a kid I used to get incredible gas attacks that my parents never fully believed in. I would refuse dinner and lie hunched over on my bed all night. My mom would check in on me now and then, but my Dad completley refused to pay for any anti-gas medication. He was a cheap bastard in those days like that.
I suppose trading in soft shitting for densely packed crap is ok, but I had no idea that waiting three days to ejaculate could get my come to look like 2 day old stiffened egg yolk. I need to get medical insurance straight away.
I have a hard time getting a date. The closest thing I have had to a date this year is a text message from a 17 year old. The text message read "I'm a vampire and I need blood." I think that is some kind of code, but I'm not sure for what. I think maybe my under age text message girl friend is involved in some kind of blood cult. She probably wants to seduce me, and steal all my blood for her vampire husband. Well unlike you perverts, I am not at all down for that kind of shit. I'm old, and so is my blood. I can't afford give any of it away, because I think my rectum is bleeding now that I am eating all that yogurt fiber and apples. Either that or the peels of red deelicious apples don't get digested. Since I don't eat apples very often I can't be for sure what I found in my toilet paper. Either way you can't be too careful.
You can't be too careful. That's a saying some of you more advanced Chomo's need to take to heart. Like if you are convicted sex offender over the age of 25 don't go bringing your high school g/f to the prom, even if she asks.
ATHENS, Ala. — A convicted sex offender remained jailed Tuesday after the 25-year-old man, posing as a teenager, was caught taking a 14-year-old girl to a dance at her middle school, Athens authorities said.
Athens Middle School faculty members stopped Gregory Ray Brooks at the gym door because he appeared to be much older than his date at the Friday dance, Athens Superintendent Orman Bridges Jr. said.
"He didn't look like the 17-year-old he said he was," Bridges said. "The faculty did an excellent job of monitoring who was coming in and catching this guy. They kept him from other students and maybe helped this young lady out of a bad situation."
iF THAT YOUTUBE MADE YOU FEEL GOOD. tHEN TRY THIS VIDEO THAT WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. oohhhhHHHHH plEASE BRING BACK THE WIRETAPPING...pREZIDENT bUSH THINK'S IT A HECK OF AN iDEA!!! MAYBE THE fbi THINKS THEY NEED TO SPY ON GAMERS sINCE THEY CAN'T WATCH US ANYmORE
I just read some very disappointing news on the Internet. The maker of Enzyte, the little pill that provides for big "male enhancement," has been found guilty of fraud in a court of law.
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I can never catch a break. I've only had a job for 5 months, so I have not saved enough money to buy any of Steve's pills yet. But that was the plan. I was going to buy a crap load of Enzyte and leave the boxes of pills outside like a Hansel and Gretel trail. I need a girlfriend and I am sure this was going to be the idea that finally worked for me.
It turns out you can't buy a bigger dick in a pill box. I don't know if I need a bigger dick. I've always been able to orgasm with my current size. Though lately I think I have rubbed off all the sensitivity from my penis because of all the furious masturbating I've been doing. I wrap aluminium foil around the head of my cock and yell obscenities at myself. My new technique has left me raw and orgasm-less for a week. And now to top off all that I won't be able to grow a new dick. I am so disappointed that I can't trust a company who's advertisements ran "We couldn't say it, if it wasn't true." I guess you can say and I guess it's not true. What I am saying here is that the Big Dicked Nazis win again, and small penised (I know you prefer to call yourself large clitorised) guys lose again. [NSFW LINK TO HELL'S BEST NEWSPAPER]
I am sure they scare you too. I am white so I don't really have much to worry about from them. If you look white then they pretty much leave you alone.
If you are person of color be happy for every day that goes by without a white person bothering you. But when you are white trash like me, you wonder why you don't have any white friends from the country club that can get you one of those high paying, do-nothing jobs you are always hearing colored people complain about.
What I am saying is that it sucks not knowing any of the right white people, because the right white people have all the money, and all the jobs. I decided to try and meet some of those white people on the Internet, and that's why I started this blog. Only all the white people I meet online are bigger freaks than me because you'd have to be a big ass freak or maybe a hipster to think anything I say is funny, and not mean, offensive and sick like it really is.
I found a site that gives the best advice about how to deal with white people. It's called Stuff White People Like. I looked up this site right after I discovered I was being cyber-stalked by a white chick who's friends enjoy cooking and eating her placenta. I hope I didn't just piss off my first, number 1 superfan, and even though I hate to admit it, I got a bit freaked out reading Frieda Bee. I still love F. B and I don't care if you eat your babies or you are into cannibalism because you can't help those kind of things. Your white people, and it's in your culture, and if there is one thing white people know, it's that you can't make fun of someone because of their culture.
I was warning my only other white friend, greensunflower, about how a lot of the white people next door to her could be closeted (or not so closeted) cannibalists, when she offered to Fed Ex me her placenta after she got pregnant. Sunflower told me that eating the placenta was quite common in other cultures, and if there is one thing we all know about white people, it's that they love borrowing strange cultural artifacts and traditions from crazy ethnic people, and adopting those traditions as some kind of 'alternative' yet also somehow more authentic culture than their own.
All my non-white friends find white-hipsters adopting their ancient ways to be a white cultural peculiarity that is particularly distressing to them. But once again, that's just non-white people not getting white people, and the things we care about, like my Netflix. I've got to admit that the first time I read that hipsters like Netflix on stuff white people likeI got like real pissed off and shit, but then I realized that my love of NetFlix is just ironic, so it's cool again, or maybe not. I'm not really clear on this. But I am not as hip as I'd like to be, because I still think everybody wants to be a preppy and not a hipster. I have no idea why white people wear baggie pants past their ass. I thought that was a trick only black people and puerto ricans could pull off. Now I see all the greasy hipsters doing it and I am sure that I am supposed to want to do it too, but for the love of god I really don't.
I mean I am a slave to fashion as much as the next guy. I wore bell bottom pants when I thought they would never get back in fashion. And now I am slowly warming up to the idea of being turned on by women in skinny jeans and flats. When enough hot chicks start wearing something, I begin to associate all that hottness not with the chicks, but with the clothing style. And since I think 35% of all women are hot, you can bet I love me some skinny jeans. Go ahead and taper your jeans white girls and throw some of those creepy fug boots on, even though fug is out of style, so much so that I guess it just got back in style for people who love saying that they don't care about style by being the most stylish person they know.
I guess I just summed up why I hate hipsters in one long run on sentence. I'm not sure how this rant went away from me protecting colored people by explaining why white people scare me, to me hating on hipsters, but I never promised you any real helpful advice on anything, did I?
I'm a clerk at a grocery store in Arizona. Romius T is my alter ego. "The more contemptible his life, the more a man clings to it; it thus becomes a protest, a retribution for every moment."
