IF you are like Sarah Beth you don't like catching your b/f jacking it to the rape scene in Hitchcock's second to last movie "Frenzy"

I remember the time I caught my boyfriend jacking off to the rape scene in Alfred Hitchcock's second to last movie, "Frenzy." What was really disturbing was that he was eating a bowl of double chocolate cookie crunch ice cream at the time. It was his second bowl. I should tell you that Double Chocolate cookie crunch is my favorite ice cream flavor and he almost never leaves me any.

He tried to cover up the act by playing like he was just scratching his balls. I know how he likes to do that, so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I looked over at the TV and saw the girl he had been jacking off to, and I thought the chick in the movie was old and English and not even that cute, so I figured why would he jack off to her? Then I figured maybe he wasn't jacking to her so much as maybe he liked the idea of jackin' to a girl getting raped.



"I can't believe I am dating a fucking rapist." I told him.

And that's when he began to cry and tell me how sorry he was for masturbating and that he was 'so ashamed of it' and that he was just horny and I hadn't given him any sex for sometime. I liked how he pulled the blame game back on me and I told'em I was onto that trick. "That ain't gonna work, you can jack off to anything. Why to a rape scene?"

He didn't have an answer right away. A couple of day later he mentioned that not much was on TV that night, that he wasn't allowed any porn, and he liked the movie, and the mood just struck him, but I don't believe him at all. I have no idea what I am going to do with the cumm in that bowl. Shit like that always seems to happen to me.

I got around to watching that movie and I must say that the rape scene was well shot. I think I should apologize to my ex as I had no idea that the scene included shots of titties as I assumed that Hitchcock would never have nudity in his movies. The old woman had some nice boobs with some pretty cute nipples, and my ex had a thing for chicks with big boobs and pink nipples, so I guess it is a good thing that all the girls in my family come pre-loaded with double D's. And since I don't have any kids my tits aren't all brown or nasty. I have the cutest pink nipples. I love my nipples because they are super sensitive and they get hard whenever I want them to.

I am sure my mother would have had something to day about the jacking off incident. She would have told me to just be "happy that the old boy was giving you a day off." But the truth of it all is that I wasn't the one denying him sex. It was the other way around with my ex not seeming very interested in me. I have always been kinda chubby, not fat though, just curvy, and I had gained some weight because I discovered I really like double chocolate ice cream. But then again who doesn't? I am still a super good girlfriend. I let him watch football all day on Sunday while I do the laundry. Even though I know he just invites all his friends over to get high. But he sobers up by the time I get back, and he is in a good mood then, and I guess guys need their guy time to be happy.

I had to stop by the grocery store to get some quarters for laundry. I had to trade in pennies and nickels for the quarters because the ex spent all the paper money we had on ice cream instead of using the food stamp card. He says he doesn't like to use food stamps in front of his friends and that's when I asked him, "Well, how the hell do you think I feel when I use it?" He told me I could pretend we had kids and kids are what stamps are for, and then he said if that didn't work I could always distract the cashier by showing him my boobs. I think he noticed that I put on lipstick and mascara whenever we went grocery shopping.

And I said "what if the cashier was a girl?" But then he brought up how we always seem to go to the same cashier, and how I always went over to the same guy, and I swear I thought I actually saw a little jealousy flash in his eyes. I couldn't believe it. I felt a little guilty about it, but that cashier always stared at my tits, right in front of Mike like he wasn't even there. I know it got Mike pissed, but I liked how it made sure Mike couldn't take me for granted. I know you're thinking that lots of guys just like looking at big tits, but that cashier looking at me still made me feel good. And I like that Mike always made the ride home nice. He would actually ask me about my day and shit.

Speaking of grocery sotres. There are lots of scenes in the movie that take place in what I guess passes for a grocery store in London. Instead of regular grocery stores like here in America all they have is open air markets. I am sure there is a lot of symbolism with fruit getting crushed in scene after scene along side the raping and strangling of women, but I thought it was little heavy handed so I am not even going to point it out to you. Except to say that at one point a man crushed a "box" of grapes.

I don't know many White people, but the white people I do know sure do scare me

I am sure they scare you too. I am white so I don't really have much to worry about from them. If you look white then they pretty much leave you alone.

If you are person of color be happy for every day that goes by without a white person bothering you. But when you are white trash like me, you wonder why you don't have any white friends from the country club that can get you one of those high paying, do-nothing jobs you are always hearing colored people complain about.

What I am saying is that it sucks not knowing any of the right white people, because the right white people have all the money, and all the jobs. I decided to try and meet some of those white people on the Internet, and that's why I started this blog. Only all the white people I meet online are bigger freaks than me because you'd have to be a big ass freak or maybe a hipster to think anything I say is funny, and not mean, offensive and sick like it really is.

I found a site that gives the best advice about how to deal with white people. It's called Stuff White People Like. I looked up this site right after I discovered I was being cyber-stalked by a white chick who's friends enjoy cooking and eating her placenta. I hope I didn't just piss off my first, number 1 superfan, and even though I hate to admit it, I got a bit freaked out reading Frieda Bee. I still love F. B and I don't care if you eat your babies or you are into cannibalism because you can't help those kind of things. Your white people, and it's in your culture, and if there is one thing white people know, it's that you can't make fun of someone because of their culture.

I was warning my only other white friend, greensunflower, about how a lot of the white people next door to her could be closeted (or not so closeted) cannibalists, when she offered to Fed Ex me her placenta after she got pregnant. Sunflower told me that eating the placenta was quite common in other cultures, and if there is one thing we all know about white people, it's that they love borrowing strange cultural artifacts and traditions from crazy ethnic people, and adopting those traditions as some kind of 'alternative' yet also somehow more authentic culture than their own.

All my non-white friends find white-hipsters adopting their ancient ways to be a white cultural peculiarity that is particularly distressing to them. But once again, that's just non-white people not getting white people, and the things we care about, like my Netflix. I've got to admit that the first time I read that hipsters like Netflix on stuff white people like I got like real pissed off and shit, but then I realized that my love of NetFlix is just ironic, so it's cool again, or maybe not. I'm not really clear on this. But I am not as hip as I'd like to be, because I still think everybody wants to be a preppy and not a hipster. I have no idea why white people wear baggie pants past their ass. I thought that was a trick only black people and puerto ricans could pull off. Now I see all the greasy hipsters doing it and I am sure that I am supposed to want to do it too, but for the love of god I really don't.

I mean I am a slave to fashion as much as the next guy. I wore bell bottom pants when I thought they would never get back in fashion. And now I am slowly warming up to the idea of being turned on by women in skinny jeans and flats. When enough hot chicks start wearing something, I begin to associate all that hottness not with the chicks, but with the clothing style. And since I think 35% of all women are hot, you can bet I love me some skinny jeans. Go ahead and taper your jeans white girls and throw some of those creepy fug boots on, even though fug is out of style, so much so that I guess it just got back in style for people who love saying that they don't care about style by being the most stylish person they know.

I guess I just summed up why I hate hipsters in one long run on sentence. I'm not sure how this rant went away from me protecting colored people by explaining why white people scare me, to me hating on hipsters, but I never promised you any real helpful advice on anything, did I?

This Week in Netflix means I review movies that you were never going to watch in the first place and make jokes you can only get if u watch them

I love my pathetic fan girls. I just said I love you and I that was the first time in a few years that someone told you they love you, and the last time was probably your uncle right before he slipped a dirty fingernail into your asshole. Because you are one of my pathetic fans I like to keep you informed about the minutia of my life. Like what I am doing all day now that I am no longer a pro poker player. Mostly I just watch movies on the internets and play poker a little bit less. Last night I won 60 dollars, it should have been a lot more but I made a couple of obvious mistakes.

I tried making a "move" i.e. bluff on a tight player just because she was female and mexican and you know how I have "issues" with mexicans because I was once married to a mexican. I don't want to give you the false impression that I don't like hispanics, because I love peruvians and paraguayans. Just not the mexicans, well at least the female ones.

Only an asshole could think this is a picture of my mexican ex wife.

I'm going to give you some advice and it's going to be free because you can't afford to donate any money to me on paypal. All your money goes to porn, war of worldcraft, and to feeding your homeless cats even though those homeless cats won't live with you or snuggle with or even rub against you which is just a cat's way of having sex with you. I think it's kinda pathetic, but as you can see I have my own pathetic hobbies and those hobbies include seeing any and every movie ever made no matter how much it sucks. I have rated at least 500 movies on Netflix and the average of those ratings is 3.5

I know most movies aren't that good. Most movies are crap and the people who figured that out already drink bottles of wine, and wear nice slacks, and have girlfriends who only use quality hair product that cost more than my car payment.

I know most of this rant has nothing to do with me reviewing movies and the people who discover my blog via search engines get pissed when they read my blog, because my blog posts never have anything to do with the title, or the key word term is so far buried into the post that they get bored reading my shit like this asshole:

"Die. Seriously, your life is not worth it. This post talked about something totally unrelated to the title, then about 1/3 of the way in changed to the "real" post, which then rambled on about nothing before finishing inconclusively. I regret reading this post, it was a waste of my time when I could have been eating, sleeping, or reading anybody else's* posts, all of which are better than this."

I like the fact that the guy uses an asterisk to qualify his argument. I also think this guy has a point and I should probably die, and if it's any consolation to him I have not had a firm shit since I stopped eating all that yogurt with added fiber, because all I ever did on it is have amazing cramps and farts. I am pretty sure that weak shitting is a sign you are dying, and if I am wrong it's probably because I am not a doctor just a barely employed cashier who's last ten outings to play poker have payed off unlike my pal Card Shark. I can't remember the last time that guy won him some money playing poker, but if I know him he's probably told his girlfriend that he's won thousands of dollars, and is going to buy her a Porsche, and she can finally believe in love again.

I know that last crack is going to piss somebody off, but they should just understand that I only insult family, and those I love, or people I am really acquainted with, or whom I respect, or people I think could take it, but sometimes I just can't help myself and say things I know I shouldn't, but the other person shouldn't get mad either because he's a bit of a hard ass himself on people, and a sign of maturity is taking as good a you are giving, and I don't mean that in some kind of anal penetration pornographically veiled reference. I guess what I am really saying is that you should take it as a compliment, and not get all butt hurt, because if you want to get offended by something, get offended by the 10 million babies who will die trying to suck the last bit of tit juice out some poor refugee mommy with flies stuck in her eyes. At least your feet are warm and your microwave oven works.

If you'd like we can get to the part where I review movies in 10 seconds or less.


Secret Things I have yet to complete watching this film.
02/11/08
00:00:40

Protagonist Ditto.
02/11/08
00:14:17

The Bridesmaid *** (see review below.)
02/11/08
00:21:30


Grindhouse: Death Proof ***
02/10/08

I watched this movie in the theater with a friend. Card Shark thought it sucked and I liked it, but not as much as the critics who panned the other movie it was shown with in a double feature theatrical release, even though the other movie had a hooker with a machine gun in her leg. The description of this "released individually" movie says they added 30 minuted to this film but I can't tell where. The movie kinda dragged the first time I saw it. And it drags here as well.

I like the first act of the film better than the Zoe stunted car chase of the second act, but as usual I am alone in my opinions. There is a lot of chatty kathy talk in the beginning and for some reason which you probably can't guess I like that.


00:32:12
Grindhouse: Death Proof ***

As you can see I watched this movie in fits and starts and most of the time I just had it going on in the background to divert me from realizing how boring surfing the web is.

02/09/08
00:53:49
Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man

This movie gets 4.5 stars. Even though it basically tries to redeem Ralph Nader in the eyes of progressives who think he is a nutjob who cost Al Gore the election and is responsible for the Fascism of the Bush Administration. With all that going against him the movie made me like him again, but maybe I am just gullible like that.


02/08/08
01:59:47
Descent

I have not finished this movie and I am not sure I will finish it. Ok, I will but just for you, and to silence the strange obsessive compulsive disorder I have. My disease comes at me from weird places like: I can't stand reading the last word of the last line of a book until my eyes are done with the rest of the pages. If I even glance at the last page of a book before I am finished with it I will break into sweats.

This movie is the Lesbian Hard Candy. Rosario Dawson plays a college student in the movie. Which would be fine if she played a 30 something who went back to school, but she is supposed to be playing an 18 year old kid. That shit doesn't play. Neither does the "rape" scene which looks like every sex scene I've ever experienced. The girl pretends she isn't horny, and I pretend she isn't a mentally retarded 14 year old who moans when she eats mayonnaise.

02/07/08
00:55:43
The Bridesmaid
02/06/08
00:43:53

Surface: The Complete Series: Episode 1 (pilot) **** (That's 4 stars in case you don't get it.)

02/05/08
00:04:20 (That's the time stamp in case you don't get it.)

Netflix instant browse does this awesome thing where if you stop watching a movie and then play it at another time it starts up right where you left off. Which means if you ADD like me you will never get through a movie in one sitting again. But I say fuck directors in their holier than thou "watch my move the way it was meant to be seen" shit.

I thought this show was another sci-fi tv show that was on at the same time as the show I used to watch. Only that show was part x-files and part this show without all the cute fuzzy E.T. shit. The pilot for Surface is not too bad, because I count at least 1 teen girl bikini scene in the first 5 minutes, but that's when I turned it off.


The Parallax View
02/05/08
00:52:34

I watched this movie like 4 times before I got through it. The beginning is cheesy 70's. I guess stunt men didn't know how to throw or take a punch back then because the action sequences are so amateurish they forced me out of my suspended disbelief, if you can believe that.

I like conspiracies and this movie has one. The movie opens with a news conference about a congressional hearing. Congress assures us that some crazy person shot somebody and it has nothing to do with the new world order and the new world order wants to eat you. In other words it reads like it came out of the 9-11 hearings or from some Ron Paul supporter. Pure wacko. The end of the movie is good and that makes up for it starring the guy from Reds, Warren Buffy. I wrote 'the guy from Reds' because I couldn't remember his name and I don't feel like IMBD'ing everything.

The Parallax View
02/04/08
00:33:42

Lightning Bug
02/03/08
00:51:50

This movie could have been a good movie, or at least an awesome indie flick. But they got the casting all wrong. The guy who plays the lead looks to old to play teen and doesn't even make an effort at faking a southern accent. I don't want to berate the actor because he's likable and maybe he's a good actor. He's just not southern, he gives off an air of intelligence the rest of the movie characters don't have, because they are too busy playing up over the top stereotypes.

The movie is produced by Laurie "even her name sounds annoying" Prepon. Laurie is the red head from That 70's show. I like her. She's hot and I like to pretend that my last g/f looked a lot like her. I can't remember what my last g/f looked like, but you get the picture. This movie also stars Hal Sparks. I don't know why.

I gave up on this movie 4 or 5 times and kept coming back. One reviewer on Netflix complained about an obnoxious and gratuitous sex scene inexplicably dropped in the middle of the movie. I agree with everything that reviewer said. I can't understand why if you are going to introduce a sex scene, just for the hell of it, why you wouldn't expose at least one of Laurie's breasts. None were. So what's the point?

Maxed Out ****
02/02/08
00:57:12

A really good, solid documentary. If Frontline is on and it's a repeat and you really want to get your Frontline on, then watch this movie.


No End in Sight ****
02/01/08
01:39:43

Ditto. Only more so.

Lightning Bug
02/01/08
00:44:33

The Parallax View
02/01/08
00:17:03

The Bridesmaid
02/01/08
00:38:56

Another movie that took multiple viewing to get through. Only this one is in French so if you want to watch it, you have to read. *

Maxed Out
01/31/08
00:24:22

Claire Dolan
01/31/08
01:35:43

I reviewed this movie previously.

The Contract
01/30/08
01:29:49

The Girl from Monday
01/30/08
00:12:44

The Ten
01/30/08
01:31:16

Night Watch
01/30/08
01:48:32

* I ain't done reviewing all these movies but even I am running out of steam on this. Come back in a day or two to read the rest of the reviews.

Stop paying for Netflix. I have Netflix. I watch the movies you don't, and review them for you.

I review Claire Dolan. A movie you have never seen before.

WHY YOU WILL HATE THIS FILM.

I watch movies like Claire Dolan because I have class, and you don't. You probably sit around all day eating Cheetos and watching movies like Norbit on Cinemax. You think movies with over-stylized acting and slow pace suck. You like movies with action and a plot that makes sense. You don't like movies that are "clinically austere" and movies who's actors are "cold and affectless." You hate long movies with lots of conversation. You won't sit through a movie that tries to get by with just dialogue.

I jacked off before watching this movie. I don't recommend you do the same. Because the movie is about a hooker. And movies about hookers usually have lots of sex in them. Claire Dolan not only is a movie with lots of sex, but with tons of tit scenes. The tits of actress Katrin Cartlidge appear on screen for more time than any other character in the movie. Katrin gives an incredible performance. And her tits are magnificent. Several times in the movie Katrin wears a deep v-neck white blouse. Katrin has a longer than average torso and small pert breasts that are perfectly exposed by the office sexy sheer materials of her 500 dollar top.

SYNOPSIS

Claire owes a great deal of money to a very bad guy. Like most women who are born "whores" she decides the best way to pay it off is to become a hooker. After Claire's mommy dies she gets sadder than a woman who sells herself for money to pay a debt to a very mean and large bad guy. Claire decides to runaway from her life in New York. Claire's idea of a good hiding place from a big time pimp from NYC is Newark. Claire's cousin lives in Newark. In Newark, Claire, can stroke the faces of random babies without drawing too much attention.

Like all failed prostitutes Claire tries her hand at cosmetology. She listens and tends to boring women by cleanng their nails. Katrin the actress has very nice nails. I can imagine myself as a reporter ready to introduce myself to her before a publicity interview. I'd be really nervous. I'd fear she'd be bored by me and another publicity interview. I am sure she is until I remark what nice nails she has. I tell her that I am surprised that she has "real" nails and compliment her on all the "hard work" of taking care of her nails. Katrin would thank me for noticing. She would flirt with me and let me in on her little secret "that men rarely understand the difficulties women go through in order to have natural nails."

Claire eventually meets Elton. A man she decides to have a baby with. Elton is a nice regular guy who drives a Taxi. Elton is played by Vincent D’Onofrio from Law & Order who decided not to shave for the movie and is a real life schizophrenic. I think Elton has an ex-wife and a kid. I am pretty sure there is a scene where he is talking about sending child support check to his ex-wife. Only he never says the words "child support." We do meet a 13 or 14 year old girl that could be his daughter. He drops her off at home and gives her money. He then tells the girl not to tell her mother that he is giving her money. "Buy yourself something nice." He tells her. She thanks him, but she never calls him dad. In fact she calls Elton by his first name. I thought that scene was a little creepy. But maybe I am just reading into things.

Elton is a not such a nice guy. We know he buys a prostitute later in the movie. Ostensibly he buys the prostitute to know what Claire is going through in her life as a hooker. But the hooker he buys just happens to be the hooker from Budapest that Claire finds quite beautiful. Elton follows Claire around after her pimp discovers Newark is just a cab ride away from Downtown. The pimp drags Claire back and forces her to go back to work. Elton follows Claire to a "date" and watches as she fucks another guy. At first Claire seems turned off by the idea of fucking her John while her soon to be Baby's Daddy is watching. But like all good workers she just grunts her way through it.

THE CHARACTERS



The male "heroes" in these kind of movies always get punched, but never defend themselves. They are terrible fighters who go down on one punch. Like a punch to the gut. Followed by some chocking. Elton is no exception, so when Colm Meany tells him "I've been expecting you." I was totally expecting Elton to get his ass kicked. No disappointment, he does. Though Colm buys him a shot to make up for the ass kicking, and he gives him some wonderful advice. "You can't make a ho' a housewife."

After Elton finds out that his new girlfriend is a sex worker he rushes straight home to have sex with her. Followed by an akward scene where an axious Elton asks Claire if she had an orgasm during their recent sex act.

"Did u cum?" He asks.
Can't you tell? She replies.

Elton and Claire do not discuss Cuckoldry, they discuss how they will get through "this." Elton offers Claire money to help pay off the debt. And like a hooker Claire accepts the money.

I know if you were making this movie, your hooker characters would not have the same hang ups as ordinary women. That would make your girlfriend too uncomfortable. But just like your girlfriend, after fucking another guy, Claire-the-hooker misses her boyfriend. She calls him sometimes just because she misses him. She even gets ticked off at him when he has to go out of town on buisness. I don't know a lot of cab drivers who need to go out of town on buisness. Maybe there was some kind of taxi cab driver convention he needed to go to. Unlike Claire I think we should give Elton the benefit of the doubt. Instead Claire just gives Elton one of those passive aggressive pissed off faces women are famous for.

Katrin Cartlidge definitely has that pissed of girlfriend look down. I was so turned on by Katrin that I kept interrupting the flow of the movie with fantasies about married life with the young hot actress. That is until she sported the sorta bored "oh really" look every guy in the world has seen. You know what I am talking about, right guys? If you still don't know what I am talking about and your boyfriend is reading this review out loud to you, go look at yourself in the mirror right now. That's the face I am talking about. That's the face she gave Elton and the face that told me that I too could get bored looking at the face of Katrin.


After sometime we find that Claire has moved to Chicago and has trouble finding a job and is interrupted while eating lunch by former John's.

Elton marries another woman and gets her pregnant. He remains a wimp of a man. When he and his new wife bump into the pimp on the corner of a street, he is fearful that the pimp will reveal his secret life to his bride. However, the pimp only mentions the birth of his new son while fondling Elton's wife's protruding belly.

The End.

The Total Box Office for this movie was: 0 dollars. This movie has been awarded the Seal Of Approval. If you don't like this movie you are an ignorant ass.