Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I'm not myself today

I'm not myself today
which is why I sent those drunk
Christmas cards out

I swallow buckets of
energy pills
caffeinated mints

people must think my breath stinks
which it probably does

Brushing the teeth is
a crime. I hope all you bourgeoisie do it.
I'm gonna let 16 year old's hug me all day at work let them squeeeze me
i feel their tiny tits
their little nubs and hard nipples
but i don't get excited

I write you perverse limericks
and I take the bus
to a psychiatrist who promises to let me drive again

If I can just give him a hundred and 20 dollars

"do you have any openings?" I ask the receptionist
and just for me -
she finds an opening

we know how you DUI guys want to get your license back

"can you come tomorrow?" she asks.
How about 12:30 or 1:30 or 2:30 or 3:30
Scott has to leave by 5 today
but normally we are open till 7

"You seem so busy" I remark
but she takes no offense
and writes my name down in her book

I plan my trip on google maps
and i'm warned the bus will cost me $3.75
Like i don't no anything about all day bus passes
what sucker ?? pays 3.75 ??
when he can get the all day pass for

i know they try and keep a good man down,
so what will they do with me? but i'll pay the shrink
and then i'll lie
And promise not to drink again

but the first day
i get back behind the wheel
i'll run your ass over
chugging a bottle
of wild turkey down

tossing empty bottles
at homeless bums
and bike riders
and walkers
all the scum who can't drive

cuz there ain't nothin'
worse than
walking the streets
in this flat city

Sunday, December 09, 2007

My name is Sarah Beth and I write this blog

I stopped posting on this site about six months ago because my roommates computer crashed. Something about me watching too much internet porn leads to viruses leads to me not getting to borrow his computer.

I'd like to blame this blogs lack of viewership on my lack of posting, or the fact that I don't use spellcheck. But I don't think those things have anything to do with my 6 blog authority on Technocrati.

The simple fact is this blog would be huge if it was written by a girl and not by a middle aged pervert. If I had pics on my sidebar of me as a hot 17 year old girl in a bikini, or as some sexy geek girl then the public would eat up my shit on a stick. I have the dirty sense of humor you love to hate because I think date rape is funny. But you wouldn't be worried if a girl told you date rape if funny. You'd spit your coffee latte out of you palm pilot holding iphone calling hand. Then you'd remind me that date rape jokes aren't funny unless you eat the girl afterwards. "You should eat what you kill." You'd tell me. Canabalism is great. Eating baby seals is great. Nothing tastes better than a baby seal sandwhich eaten on a private jet plane, but date rape jokes from 30 year old white guys is creepy.

If I really was Sarah Beth all the content you find objectionable would be magically smoothed over by feminine coyishness. So if it helps, think of me like my mother does, as Sarah Beth. My mom used to dress me in little girl skirts until I was 13, so I still feel a little confused about my sexuality. Mommie always told me how disappointed she was that I was born a boy. At my birth mom asked the doctor to be a little iffy with the circumcision. I think my mom's request confused the doctor, so instead of nipping the mushroom off, the doctor just took a bit off the the top. My penis is as confused as the rest of me, half circumcised, half-not. I guess what I am saying is you need to see what's left of my foreskin.

My name is Sarah Beth, and I write this blog.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Kant attack ad

The big news of the week was that Britnet Spears has a baby bump again. Let's just hope K-fed is the dad and Britney is actually pregnant. Just so Britney can't use the "quit calling me fat" headline that Party of 5 star jennifer Love Hewitt used to steal away Brit Brit's thunder.

Jenn, you are fat, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer girl. You seem Sweet, and kinda smart. And at one time you were the hottest thing going. But you've got issues. Girl issues. You just want to eat chocolate, be in a relationship, and feel all tingly inside all the time from tiny happy leprechauns dancing in your tummy. But those aren't leprechauns, jenny, those are tiny aborted fetuses that your boyfriend forgot to vacu-suck out of you after he fed you all those morning after pills. I'm sorry. I truly am.

Now watch an attack ad by Imanuel Kant vs. Nietzsche

Saturday, December 01, 2007