Dear Mrs. Steve Nash, Is Steve Nash a Racist?

Dear Mrs. Steve Nash,

I know it's been a long time since I sent you a fan letter, but is has also been a long time since your husband has been in the news or done anything worthy of getting my attention.

Also this whole fan letter thing never caught on with my readers since most of my readers are Internet geeks who don't play sports and hate jocks because they are always getting the crap kicked out of them by guys like your husband.



The rest of my readers are women and most women hate sports except for those stalker groupie women who love the free meal ticket that a professional ball players salary and fame can get them.


Obviously, I am not talking about you Mrs. Nash. I am talking about those nasty skanks like Shaune Bagwell (above) who try and bed themselves a millionaire by having unprotected sex and getting knocked up just so they can sit at home all day and get fat. And of course I am talking the 6 women who have illegitimate children with Seattle Supersonic star Shawn Kemp.

The reason I am writing you is I just wanted to let you know that a lot of bloggers out there are calling Steve Nash a racist because he went after a black basket ball player during a fight that broke out between the Suns and Houston Rockets.

I know Steve did not cause the fight. That was cheap shot artist Matt Barnes. He was the asshole that started every thing. All Steve did was make sure that Alston got his hat handed to him after sticking up for himself.

I don't think that makes Steve a racist, but plenty of other people do.

Today's Fan Letter to Steve Nash's Wife is "I have Steve's Eyes"

Dear Mrs. Nash,

I don't like to brag. That's because I can get other people to do it for me. Even if those "people" are monkeys.

"The Self Help Center. Written by Romius T, who also blogs at The Needs Of The Few, this blog covers the banal and ordinary on any given day. Romius's posts on The Self Help Center are like haunting prose poems of the damned or they are a dry joke inflicted on a world that has no sense of humor." [my emphasis]

I couldn't have said it better myself. And I've tried. Like I said though I don't like to brag, but I did get to hitch a ride onto the NBA playoff game of the year yesterday. Suns vs. Spurs Game 5.

It was a heartbreaking loss for you and Steve I bet.

My Highlights included:

• Becoming Voiceless
• waving a towel for 2 hours straight-I can't lift my right arm now
• given a cardboard paper mask in the facial shape of steve nash with cut out card board eyes

I used the mask to go around pretending I was Steve Nash all night. I kept trying to get girls to go out on date with me as Steve. The result of my efforts were quite baffling. It appears that a lot of women walking around Us Airways Arena are too good for Steve Nash. They kept saying "no" to my requests for a "date with Steve."

I guess this is good news for you. Even if Steve wanted to cheat, I don't like his prospects. For fun I even tried telling girls "Steve Nash likes cleavage!" This statement garnered nothing but a few stares and giggles. In fact the only time that I got a response was yelling, "Make sure to put that on myspace" anytime I saw a couple of teenagers posing for camera phone pics.

Oh, well.

Cuddles,

Romius T.

Today's Fan Letter To Steve Nash's Wife is "Worried about his nose."

Dear Steve Nash's Wife,

I just wanted to say I was watching the whole thing on TV and I totally thought that was a cheap shot by Tony Parker!

It totally looked like Tony just bent over and bumped his head on your dear husbands nose.

WOW!

I've never seen such blood before!

I mean it was really gushing!

Only a boxer's cut man could have done something about that!

Blood. Blood. Everywhere. Blood.

And just at the wrong moment. When the game was on the line. Steve couldn't get back in to the game because of that Magic Johnson rule.

Which by the way doesn't make any sense to me. I mean Magic doesn't even play anymore. And even if he did, I think he bought himself the celebrity cure for AIDS. So it wouldn't matter if Magic gushed his blood all over you. You totally can't get AIDS from him anymore!

Despite his nice smile Earvin Magic Johnson bought the AIDS cure for himself and probably woudn't sell it to you!

So I say let Steve play!

Today's Fan Letter to Steve Nash's Wife is called "The NFL DRAFT"

Dear Mrs. Nash,

I just wanted to compliment you on your demeanor. I've noticed that whenever you are in the spotlight with your husband you behave yourself. Do you think public displays of affection are OK? You must. I mean you don't even have a problem speaking Paraguayan in public. But somehow you pull it off. I guess it's all about class. You've got it. Some don't.

I bring it up only because you probably saw that ugly display put on by that super tramp Lindy Slinger. She totally got caught by some bloggers "rolling" her eyes when Brady tried to kiss her. In addition, she basically set her man up for a pummelling by the Miami Dolphins when she opined that "Brady can't wait to face the Dolphins or any of the teams that passed on him. "

I won't point out the logic of getting angry at someone who doesn't owe you anything. Teams can choose whoever they want. Don't piss of the defenders who are going to be trying to decapitate your man. But you already knew that.

(Want more fun with Lindy? Try my post at the Need of the Few & Self Help!)

A Valentine's Day Message for Steve Nash's Wife

Dear Mrs. Nash

Just wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. I am all alone this year. Which isn't all that different from the last few years. I can't remember the last time I had a girlfriend, or the last time I got a Valentine.

I think the last time I received a Valentine I was in grade school. And when you are in grade school everybody gets a Valentine. Your teachers force your parents to buy enough cards for the entire class. They even provide you with a list of all the names of every classmate in your homeroom. And then you spend the entire night before Valentine's Day addressing cards and licking envelopes.

I am sure you thought it was pain in the ass. But at least you probably got new cards. But my parents were so poor we never bought new cards. So I had to scratch out my name on the old cards my classmates gave me the year before and address them anew with the names of all the kids I had in the current year's class.

Talk about your "embarrassing moments" when I had some of the same friends 2 years in a row. Though I would purposefully give those classmates the card they sent me the year before, so that my friends would then take them home and show their parents just how poor my family was.

I would get invited to a lot of sleep overs for the next few weeks. All my friends parents could recognize the amazing level of cheapness that me and my brothers were forced to endure as an everyday occurrence. At the sleepover I noticed my friends ate really well. Buckets of KFC. And if I wanted I could help myself to seconds of mashed potatoes and biscuits. Even a biscuit with honey for dessert.

After all those great sleepovers I would come home and describe in detail all the food I ate to my brothers. They sat around me in a circle. Convinced I was Orson Welles and the Martians were attacking.

Do they even celebrate Valentines Day where you are from in Paraguay, Mrs. Nash? Maybe that's why Steve Nash did not feel the need to take you along to that fund raiser last night. In fact I heard none of the Phoenix Suns took their wives. I was really upset about that. I know Steve is from Canada and they have weird traditions up there, like Universal Health Care Coverage. Also Canadians don't seem to want to shoot each other in the face as much as we do. But just because Canadians celebrate some weird traditions it shouldn't mean you have to stay home all the time.

Because you and Steve decided not to celebrate Valentines Day together at a fund raiser, I was unable to hand deliver you my Valentine's Day card. You see, I had arranged to have Foxxylove attend the fund raiser and she promised to hand you my card which featured my website and a fantastic Happy Valentine's Day inscription to you. So I guess this blog post will have to do instead. Sigh. Anyways.

Happy Valentines Day!

Romius T.

A Third Letter of Concern for Mrs. Steve Nash

I feel like that last post was a little rushed. It felt formulaic. Also I may have made some unseemly comments about you giving me oral sex. I am deeply sorry for that. I didn't mean to imply that you wanted to give me oral sex. I did not want to imply that I wanted you to give me oral sex. It's not like that for us. We have a special bond that transcends sex. Anyways I am not the type that has sex with married women. At least now that I am out of my twenties.

I don't think todays post is any better than yesterday's was, but at least this time I have a real reason to contact you. I was doing my usual Google searches for Steve Nash's wife. I went to the same old site that inexplicably show up higher than mine.

Nothing's changed really. None of "those" sites keep in contact with you as much as I do. Unless they use the old mail system. But I am too worried about George Bush snooping on what should be our private correspondence. I know you are thinking that the Internet is not really private. But since nobody reads this site we might as well be talking in hushed tones in the girl's bathroom stall.

Like I said nothing has really changed until I noticed one of the comments that a blogger left about you. It really concerned me. The only thing that makes me feel better about this whole situation is that I am relocating back to Phoenix. So if this guy fucks with you or your family, just let me know. I can take care of things like that for you.

But here's what he said:

I see more and more people coming here to look for Steve Nash and family pictures... Glad you decided to stop by.

I'm doing my best to exhaust all my free Internet photo sources...pretty soon I'm going to have to go another route...

Another route? What the fuck? How far is this guy willing to go? All the way? Is that why his google page rank is higher than mine? Is this guy rumaging through your garbage. Are there high priced blackmail photos of you out there that I should know of? Because I would like to know some of them.

A letter of re-introduction to Mrs. Steve Nash.

I know I promised a while back not to write letters to you any more. But I break my promises a lot. Ask my parole officer. If you see him tell him I said hi.



I figured since I was moving back to Phoenix I should send you a "letter of introduction" just like they used to back in the good old days.

I am not too sure how these things work anymore. I mean the FBI has already handed you a threat assesment about me. Your more likely to die in a car accident than ever meet me. Much less perform oral sex on me.


Thing you might want to know about the oral sex thing. It takes me forever to come that way. You could be down there for a while if that's the way we go at it.


Also my poop turns yellow the next day if I drink a lot of beer. I think that is a sign that my liver is ready to quit. I am not sure if you needed to know that I just wanted to tell you something personal and private about me. Since I know so much about you.

Dear Jessica. My final fan letter to Steve Nash's Wife.

Dear Jessica,

I am just not to sure how to tell Steve's wife her services are no longer needed. In my quest for Blogger Celebrity I have been attempting to find the right C list star to hook my rise to fame on.

For some reason it escaped me. The most obvious path. I was so completely oblivious. Searches for Jessica Hawn are by far and away the biggest traffic generator on my blog.

In addition I know that you my Jessica have a wonderful sense of humor. I have heard you countless times on the Howard Stern show. I love him. He's a genius. He made like 400 million dollars last year. I think he bought the entire Australian continent for fun.

Maybe the next time you are on his show you could mention my little blog. What a blast that would be. I just can't figure out why someone as famous as you doesn't have some kind of gate keeper. You would think that you would have your own website or something by now. So they can make sure that more important people than me are not in charge of your Internet persona.

Maybe that's because god wants us to be together.

I just hope Mrs. Nash doesn't get pissed or depressed at me. I have to do what I had to do. One day I will be famous. And it will be because Jessica Hawn will be googling herself and she will be directed to this page.

Naturally she will want to introduce herself to me. We'll probably have webcam sex and Jessica will blab about it to Howard. And pretty soon Howard's fans won't be able to imagine a time when they weren't thinking about our mutual masturbation stories.

I can't wait.

A Second Letter of Concern about Mrs. Steve Nash

Dear Mrs. Nash,

I used to lose quite a bit of sleep over reporting an incident that involved a rather skanky ho bag from Hooter's and your 2 time NBA MVP husband. In fact when it wasn't keeping me up, it was giving me nightmares.

That was until I did some googling myself. Turns out your hubbie has been linked numerous times in the press to an assortment of women.

Most notably of late the great Nelly Furtado. I don't think Steve is very gay, so I don't see why he'd like Nelly. After all Steve did invent his own dance and that is so not GAY.

For the record, Steve has said that he loves his wife and two kids. That he stands by them no matter how many "steve nash references" some rapper from the southside of philly puts in his music about "having game like 2 time MVP'er."

Kudos, Steve Nash. Kudos to you sir. You will not be swayed so easily to the homosexual lifestyle. I know you don't care that Arizona won't ban Gay-Sex Marriage or that the Republicans lost the majority of the House and Senate even after installing electronic voting devices in poll booths around the country. It doesn't mean anything to guys like us.

You and I both know that just because we may enjoy showing off our hairy "man bear" chests to crowds of admiring sweaty men, that in no way endangers our masculinity.

Mrs. Nash stand firm. Your husband is not going to leave you. In your native Paraguayan, "No esto going anywhere."

This post is dedicated to Tim Thomas for going 4 for 10 in two straight games.

Do you think Mrs. Steve Nash will get to hang out with George Bush now that the President has bought land in Paraguay?

I promise to stop streaming episodes of Ugly Betty
so I can report things like this to you.

From Wonkette:

"The Cuban news service reports that George W. Bush has purchased 98,840 acres in Paraguay, near the Bolivian/Brazilian border. "

I've always wondered what the back-up plan for Bush was if his push for a third term goes badly. I mean you totally know that he doesn't see a third one not coming. Imagine Dick trying to explain it to G. W.

"Term limits? Who's idea was that?"

A letter of inquiry for Steve Nash's Wife:

Dear Mrs. Nash,

I have to wonder if you are at all pissed that your adopted country's president is making his way to your birth country? Actually I have to also wonder if you've even adopted this country as both you and Stevey have kept Canadian passports.

As long as you stay on your path towards learning and using English Only, it's all good here.

P.S.

Good news one part of G.W.'s plan for a third term, the national I.D. card, has passed.

My dream life and Mrs. Steve Nash.

I had a dream the other day about returning to Tempe.

In the dream I remember the best part about going back was the increased likelihood of coming across Steve Nash's wife.

So in the dream I make a blog post about how I hope to meet Mrs. Nash upon my return and throw out an idea to her about going to that infamous Hooter's again and maybe confronting the dirty skank who besmirched Mrs. Nash's good name.

Well in the dream, Mrs. Nash reads my blog and agrees to meet me at the bar in hopes of bitch-slapping that Ho.

I go in the hopes of making a new semi-celeb friend, because my attempts with Kristin Cavalleri and Nikki Hilton were complete disasters.

So I go there and of course I bring one of my lawyer friends. I try never to leave the house with out a lawyer, because these days you just never know.I am sitting there in a booth when I spot Mrs. Nash. She looks stunningly Paraguayan. And I shout out to my lawyer friend "There she is! I can't believe she really came!"

My friend and I freak out as Steve Nash's wife makes her way over to us.

"Are you the boy who writes the "things" about me?"

She asks me in perfect English, except for her pronunciation of the word "things" which is totally off. It sounds more like "dings" than "things." But I ignore that, because I was once married to Mexi-can so I can translate Spanglish pretty well.

"Umm..yeah..that was me." I swallow down pretty hard after her question. Looking into her eyes makes me feel small. Her gaze threaten to swallow me up like a photon trapped in the orbit of an intergalactic black hole.

"Is she here?" Mrs. Nash is all business and makes no pretension to small talk. And like all Paraguayanians she is wearing a sequin covered dress. Her lazer beam eyes eat up the scenery, glancing up and down Hooter's finest cleavage, assessing the chance that one of the bimbos currently in focus is the potential adversary.

"Um."

But my eyes betray me as they glance back towards bar to the left of me.

"She is. That's the one, isn't it?" Mrs. Nash points out the blonde bartender occupying the station just a few yards away.

"Maybe." I admit.

"But you're not gonna do anything are you?"

"Cuz if you are then I ain't gonna tell, cuz I could be held liable, right?" I look over at my lawyer friend for confirmation and hopes that they can use their lawyer skills to de-escalate the situation. But all I get is shrug and a fearful don't get me involved look.

"Gee thanks." I scold away. "You're lawyering skills are straight out of the Art Vandelay School of Architecture."

My tendency to interject Seinfeldian refrences into all my conversations causes me to become a bit distracted from my new BFF. In that meantime Mrs. Nash takes my distraction as an opportunity to go all Karate Chop on little Miss "Take a bite of my burger" barkeep.

It's quite insane the amount of a damage a pissed off Paraguayan wearing a sequin covered dress with a slit can do with a drop kick.

This post is dedicated to the fact that the Suns failed to resign Tim Thomas and quote "I ain't got there back and shit now!" Endquote.

A letter of Sympathy for Mrs. Steve Nash.

It's tough out there for a NBA wife. I bet all you NBA wives hang out together. Since you probably do, I bet you all probably haven't stopped talking about 'The Mark Cuban incident.'

Mark Cuban is a billionare NBA team owner who forces his wives' girlfriends to go all 'strip club' on him.

I guess the obvious question is does Steve make any of your girlfriends give him lap dances? Or is this just something that the wives of NBA owners have to put up with and not players wives? If he doesn't make any of your girlfriends give lap dances, do you think it's just because he thinks all your girls are ugly? Or is it some law in Canada that all lap dances have to be done in French and/or English? I guess that law is pretty tough to follow for Paraguayans.

I sure hope it's the former and not the latter unless the latter is owners' wives in which case I meant them.

This post is dedicated to Lisa Loeb and the prospect of running a joke into the ground.

A letter of concern for Mrs. Steve Nash.

Dear Mrs. Nash,

I just read that Avery Johnson's wife was recently accused of assault by a local Suns fan. According to Yahoo News...

"Rebecca Kettle told police that Cassandra Johnson hit her twice in the shoulder during a verbal confrontation. According to a police report, an officer read Johnson her rights before questioning her."

I can't tell you how frightened news of that police blurb got me. I know you probably think that I am "all removed" and stuff since I left Phoenix and all. But the Suns are still my second favorite NBA team and you are still my second fave wife on the team. So as soon as I read about the Lil General's problem I became concerned for your safety.

I might be wrong, but I think the next game is being played in Dallas. If so... all I can tell you is to BEWARE. Stay away from any or all confrontations with Mavericks fans. They may be out to get you. I mean now Dallas fans are even booing Steve , so who knows what they are capable of next. You might want to stay home and watch the game on TV. I know I am going to TiVo it myself. That's because TiVo is pretty cool. If you don't have TiVo, I highly recommend it.

This post is dedicated to salt substitutes. Also to highly self-referential jokes in the last paragraph that only two people will get.

A Fan letter to Steve Nash's Wife...

Dear Mrs. Nash

Did you know your name sounds like a salt substitute?

I just wanted to tell you how classy I think you are.

I know by now you must have 'googled' Steve Nash Wife or Steve Nash married.

So I am quite sure that you, your mom, or one of your best friends has stumbled upon this blog by now. And I have to say to my interested readers, that not once have you or any other member of your family tried to get a hold of me to verify 'the story'.

Have you and Steve discussed that dirty little tramp? I am hopeful that no marital strife has come about because of my posting. I'm like Drudge, I just report the facts. And you should probably keep in mind that Tempe is not a bit like ancient Greece or Rome (I get them both confused), so please don't shoot the messenger.

Anyways, I am sure there are dozens of excuses for Steve's behavior. Of course you are from Paraguay, so maybe you just don't read English so good. Frankly, I think that Steve needs to quit babying you so much and make you speak America's language while you're in America. It's the least you can do since we let you immigrate.

Well I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you, I am sure you are nothing like that dirty skank from Hooters!

Cuddles,
Romius. T.

P.S.

I thought about adding your name to this post, but then every time you 'googled' yourself you'd have to re-read this post. Since you are probably in denial about the whole thing it seemed a bit cruel.

But I am not a nice person, so it wasn't until Tim Thomas called me and said he would "Go Ghetto on me" if I put your 'real name' out there on 'the internets.' I'm not sure what he meant, but it sounded quite unpleasant.

This post is dedicated to my friends who marvel at Tim Thomas' instant I got your back even though I have only been in town '3 whole weeks' thing.

Steve Nash Hates His Fake Girl Friend.

Just a few days ago a friend and I were out bar hopping when we decided to stop off at the local Hooter's.

The bartender that evening was an attractive blond female who liked to name drop. I discovered her propensity for this activity while eavesdropping on her conversations with other customers.

What I then overheard about local sports icon Steve Nash shocked me to the core! According to our bartender, she had been hit on by him at a party.

"Steve and I are now best friends, and I have only met him once." She swore up and down to all the customers in ear shot. "He let me take a bite of his burger." Finally adding. "And then he said he had to get back and talk to 'the wife'."

Regarding the sobriquet "wife" the bartender explained to us that "unmarried men who dislike their girlfriends always refer to them as 'the wife'."

Her assertion was then counterpoised to the semantic stylings of married men.

Married men were said to prefer the use of the of the more laconic sounding term 'wife.' Further, she went on to claim that good married men who love their wives preferred the use of 'my wife' when reffering to their spouses.

At the time of course I did not know that Steve was actually married. So my guess is that this little skank just misunderstood Steve. He really did needed to get back to his "wife," especially as I hear that Paraguayian women have a mighty jealous streak in them.

You should also know that Steve is a really nice guy. He even has a foundation, and this bartendar was very skinny. Maybe he just thought that she needed a bit of his food for nourishment.

Of course I never fail to comment when I hear Steve Nash's name, it is my sworn duty to point out that while Steve Nash's performances on the field are magnificent, they are at least in part due to his extraordinary genetic heritage. I'm talking about Steve's crossed-eyed cross eyes i.e. Steve Nash is a cross-eyed mutha fucka.

Now upon hearing this obviously bit of disturbing news our nervous colt of a bartender yelped in amazement that she had "never noticed that about him." She may have even made an icky face.

I have a bad feeling I have may just cost Steve Nash some ass from this girl. For that I should apologize.

I need to add into this excitement my EXGF and her new "girlfriend" just 'happened' into the Hooter's.

God, why do lesbians think they can go there too? They've already invaded strip clubs. Is there no place for a pervert to go to objectify women in private anymore?