Saturday, May 31, 2008

I review porn clips and I make racist/sexist comments

There is something liberating about being covered up in a burka and having a man dominate and control every aspect of your life. You don't know anything about that because you live in a country full of men who don't feel the need to slap you around every time you go and get the menses, or stone you to death if you leave the house on your own.

I guess that's why when middle eastern chicks finally get to fuck they go all crazy and ask their man to bury his face in your ass. I know all this because I was watching porn last night and the porn was an amateur clip of Arabs fucking. Either that or they were Mexicans. But I am leaning towards Jordanians because it helps with the jokes.

Mi Ex-novia TANYA.. me la cojo rico (I guess they were mexican)

This chick likes fucking and I can't think of a thing I like better in a girl than a girl into fucking. You never see passion from the professional girls like Tanya has. I think she must be really into this guy. Notice how she is hugging and licking the guys chest and thighs as she blows him. This licking and kissing is not the kind of perfunctory variation of tease from cock to thigh that you see in the regular porn. This girl is really desperate. She wants to consume him.

Tanya wears a g-string straight out of 1990, but since she is foreign I think she pulls it off. She is cute. Thin. But if you noticed the strange green bruises on her thigh then you weren't alone. I assume as a Mexican she can't afford to eat meat so she is probably just a little anaemic.

I am not really sure as to why Tanya likes to fuck this guy. He has a really small penis. I like to watch movies where the men have small penises, but can really please a women. I will have you know it is not because I have a small penis. I have to stop making small penis jokes now that I have an internet girlfriend.

Inexplicably in the middle of this porn clip they stop fucking to take a phone call. She then performs oral sex on mr. tiny while discussing the latest price on tortillas or the ending of some sappy novella or whatever the hell mexican women discuss in that funny little language of theirs.

I know earlier in this post I was suggesting that muslim women are freed to be sexual dynamos because they live in a culture that exploits and degrades them. I think the same thing must go for the mexicans. I can't imagine why else Tanya would exclaim in such excitement every time she gets pounded by her b/f/. He certainly can't be getting that deep to set off any rockets.

My guess is that she feels so cloistered by society that sex with her man is the only time she feels she is allowed by him to exert any free will. I think that is what makes repressed chicks so good to fuck once you get them over all their hang ups. Clearly Tanya is done with having hang ups.

I found the clip over at YouPorn. (Do I need to tell you not safe for work?) I would have embedded the video, but the submitter has disabled that function. Also, I am not so sure I want to be labeled as a porn blog which I am sure Google would do if I embedded a few clips of people showing some physical affection towards each other.

No commenting is allowed on this clip due to the submitter and that is a shame as the comments on YouPorn are almost always more entertaining than the clips themselves. I know you will be disappointed in my choice of porn videos I chose to review for the first time, since you can't see the video while you read my review. And because I insist on telling you how funny the comments are on You Porn and I chose to use a clip that did not provide us any. But if you have read this blog for any lenght of time you get used to me doing shit like that, don't you?

Monday, May 26, 2008

Pardon my teen angst bullshit, but I was hungry when I wrote this post, so ignore the signs of my dropping blood sugar

I am hungry. I know this is a good feeling for my body to have for a change, because I am not an Ethiopian, and my body doesn't have to worry about food, because I live in America, and I work at a grocery store, so the odds of me starving to death are between slim and none.

But right now would be a great time for a coke. I love coke and I have five twelve packs of soda sitting on my dining room table. I think they mock me. They put soda on sale at my store. I can get five twelve packs of coke and 2 free boxes of Cheez its for 12 dollars. A couple of days ago this sale would have prompted me to empty my back account to buy as much coke as possible. Coke loves me. Coke never lets me down. Coke won't dump my ass when I get old and fat.

I sure am hungry. My belly is telling me it is empty and I guess I am just supposed to ignore that feeling so I can get skinny because we all love skinny. If I could be anything in the world I would be a robotic fly that could crawl around on Suri Cruise, so I could keep track of all the crazy ass shit Tom Cruise is doing with out us all knowing, but if that is not possible then I would want to be skinny. I would rather be skinny than tall, and I would rather be skinny than buff, and I would rather be skinny than not bald, because if I was skinny I would just shave my head and wear wife beaters and get tats all down my arms and go to poetry def jams and make up random misogynistic rants and pass them off as deep poetic shit (no matter how hard that would be) and get laid by girls with chipped nail polish who die their hair black.

I am not attracted to that type. I like the girl next door. I like a girl who could get cast as a model on a fabric softener commercial. White breezy sunshine, she is running through sheets as the warm sun bounces off her face.

I am hungry. Allow me to pause writing this post (you won't feel a thing I promise), so I can go get another drink of de-caf ice tea. Ice T is awesome and has no calories. Things with no calories are the new awesome, and the new awesome will keep me having an internet g/f, and that is a good thing as I have not had a real g/f in over 2 years, and my last g/f hardly liked me. I only know this because she often told me. She always told me she liked being honest and her being honest was making sure I understood I was not physically desirable to women. I've known that for years and that's why I started developing a personality back in the sixth grade when I was not noticeably fat or short and had no need for the complexity and profound depth that you see before you today.

The head cheerleader must have liked what she saw and heard from me as she asked me if I wanted a blow job. I had no idea what a blow job was and if I did I was not sure I was interested in getting one as I had yet to enter into puberty so I was sure that an orgasm was out of the question and like all men I have it genetically programmed into me that sex without an orgasm is a waste of time.

It is not too often that the most popular girl in school wants to date a guy like me, but I can tell you that when opportunities like that happen they don't happen like they do in the movies. In real life I was too riddled with the fear of rejection to take Jennifer up on her offer to sit with all the cool kids at lunch time. I just ate by myself. My parents tended to pack my lunch and they seemed to think that the only fruit in the world was the banana. I think you can imagine the kind of jokes that got made when people noticed I only ate a banana everyday at lunch.

Jocks and cool kids would sit down with me just to ask why I turned down Jennifer. I told them I was sure Jennifer had a boyfriend and she was just playing a joke on me and that a girl like her could never be interested in a guy like me even if we played paper football the entire time in biology class. I can't remember cracking open a book during that class. I do remember looking into her Jennifer's big green eyes and talking to her like she was just one of the guys and I think that is what attracted her to me. I have to use tricks like that to get women to be attracted to me. But it would be nice to have a woman get turned on by my body for once. I would like it if for once they were able to return the visceral attraction I feel whenever they bend over and plunge their bosoms towards me. I need them to hunger for me like an anorexic tweener on the binge part of a binge and purge session. I want to get back at women for having power over me by denying them the naked thing they want so badly, me.

Jennifer always claimed that she did not have a boyfriend and she really wanted to date me. I bring this story up because I like to think that my decision to stay safe and not risk getting made fun of set the tone for the rest of my life. If I would have said yes I would have been popular and I probably would not have asked my parents for the subscription to Omni magazine that I got that year for Christmas which pretty much sealed the deal on me becoming a nerd.

In 8th grade I did not try out for the basketball team even though I was better than a few of kids who made the team. I was sure my dad would not spring for new shoes and I was too embarrassed to wear my old sneakers to practice. In 9th grade my best friend Doug made the b squad of the high school team and he was only a little better than me, mostly because he was taller and had been on the 8th grade team. If it is any consolation I was the best player on my street. I used to play 1 on three and beat the three losers who played me badly.

Sometimes I tried to make sure they did not score on me at all. I never did because there was three of them playing against me and guarding three players is basically impossible, but I am just telling you that so you can understand that deep inside me is the kinda guy that doesn't let his little brother win at monopoly and is the kinda guy who likes to make sure that he steps on people who suck at basketball.

That guy never really recovered from Jennifer's offer to be popular, or his punking on trying out for the 8th and 9th grade basketball teams. I would not have made my high school basketball teams. But I could have tried and the guy who shut down all comers on his home street was the kinda guy who should not have minded failing. He would not be happy about it, and maybe he would not have taken any ideas about sportsmanship away from his defeat. More likely he would have made excuses for losing and he would have developed "short man disease" and then probably he would have taken to wearing too much gold jewelry.

But at least he would have gotten himself a girlfriend before he was 18.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Upload a youtube of protest this Memorial Day

I am going to burn a flag in my youtube. But you need to protest your way. I think burning a flag would be awesome, but you are probably pretty skittish of that kind of thing. So upload your video before or on Memorial Day and pass this meme around!

(In progress)

Monday, May 19, 2008

This week in poetry from Netflix is "I shot Jesse James" by the coward Robert Ford

I have been busy on account of many things but that is no reason to leave you in the bind such that you find yourself in today. I am well aware that you are alone out there and I have done you wrong by letting you think that you have not a friend in the world. Let me tell you I am your friend and I will do my best in the future to allow you to hear that sweet music from my lips again.

things are cold
and you can be too
but I want to deliver this message
out in the wooded forests
where women bake bread
and kneed their fists in unmade dough.

Too much of our lives
is spent in misplaced passion
forget to remember the truth
that pines away

It slumbers like a
on a restless
lazy and incoherent

dumb and deaf
we will walk to the mountain
and I will carry you
that way

because you were my weakest enemy
and my boldest mistake
and sometimes I wonder

But I wont for long
as this too passes
under a smoke filled

as the small sounds of happiness
emanate from your neighbors garden
you will encounter
all the obstacles
he lays before you

and you will ponder
with such inadequacy
that the good lord himself
will take pity on you

but that will be your first mistake
and I will shoot you under the picture frame
and I will watch as the blood seeps out from you
and I will hold my breath like you will
for all eternity

Friday, May 09, 2008

Sarah Beth to a friend: I wished I could convince you to tell your boyfriend to stop punching you in the face because it is leaving you deformed...

...And I have a thing against the handicapped. When we met you looked better than me and that is why I wanted to be your friend. I figured most of the guys who would approach us when we were out together were really only interested in you, but I was like "fuck it maybe I can get laid."

I know life doesn't work like the movies where the ugly girl gets to take off her glasses and become a glamorous movie star. In real life I have a hard time convincing any of the boys I meet at the bar to cuddle with me after sex. I guess men naturally only want to cuddle with cute things like blankets, kittens, teddy bears, and hot chicks. (Also, unicorns?)

I know it is an uphill battle to get a guy interested in your personality. Most men are so boring themselves and obviously haven't taken any interest in developing their own personalities, so how can I expect that they might be interested in a personality to be found in someone else like me? Maybe men get angry at me because I remind them how shallow they are, ...maybe, ...But I bet most guys are so shallow that they can't be reminded how shallow they are.

I guess I could use my big tits or something to get a man, as I hear big tits are something the boys are into. After I found a guy using my big tits I could train him to think about something other than his dick. I think that's whyI am beginning to think older men are so much better. I think older guys have gotten enough pussy to calm down a bit and maybe they can get interested in the real me.

I hope so.

Also, I am sorry about you boyfriend hitting you in the face. I am so glad Kyle doesn't hit me in the face. Not that he ever gets worked up about anything I do anyway. As long as he has his pot and his goober ass friends over at the apartment and his fucking 40's/ Sorry I meant to talk about your scar and your bump/ and that face of yours/ and how I was gonna say something about it to ya. I mean that ain't right what he done and all, but ya... other than that he seems ok and most of the time he is nice and all, so... uhmm.. yeah I would take his number if you want to dump him....(Don't worry I said that last part to myself and I mostly don't even mean it!--but he is cute!!! Kinda dreamy like Adrian from the HBO show Entourage. Only even more sensitive!)

Monday, May 05, 2008

May 5th is Karl Marx's birthday which means May 1st has come and gone

Today is Karl Marx's birthday. I am sure he would hate me going to work at some capitalist place of employment on his birthday. Unless he expected to borrow money from me, and if I was a friend of Karl Marx I am sure he would expect me to lend money to him.

I did nothing to celebrate May 1st this year, because I was working. Normally I like to march along with a few dozen or so of the anarchists in the middle of downtown Tempe. Mostly folks just yell at as for being counter culture. I always dress like a preppie to suggest that I am not a member of the anarchist crowd. And to let the good middle classed people know that we aren't a threat. That we don't want to blow stuff up we just want to discuss the corporate takeover of our small downtown area.

Read a book review of the war on homeless in Tempe. All I can tell you about Tempe is that most white people that live here like the Gap and if you chant songs about child labor expect to get booed from the balcony over at Hooter's, because if you can afford chicken wings and beer then you don't want to be reminded that you have a part to play in child labor abuses.

I did get asked how I celebrated May 1st by a cute school teacher. She thought May Day had something to do with Bulgaria and dressing up funny. I guess that is one way. But here is belated post explaining May Day.


I just learned that my juice boxes come from China. I know I should not drink juices from China. Death by dioxin poison will be painful, but I deserve it.

Friday, May 02, 2008

This Week in Living the Dream is Stephanie Ragusa's Smile

A few days ago I decided I was going to write a blog post entry every day for the next 30 days in each of my blogs. Well at least Self Help and here at Bathos. I have already failed. But that won't get me to quit trying.

Below is a picture of pedophile Stephanie Ragusa's Smile . I guess she looks harmless. But looks can be deceiving. If Stephanie does not look familiar to you, perhaps her story will. She was alleged to have sex with a boy in her middle school class. She got arrested and busted again while on parole for having sex with the minor again. In total she was arrested 3 times. Each time she gives the camera that creepy smile.

I was gonna quote some Nietzsche to get you to understand you can't really "know" people sometimes as they have a grasp on reality or some kind of a moral character you can't understand. But who needs 19th century philosophy when we have Shauna, a commentator, from the article on Tampa Bay online:

Posted by ( Shauna ) on April 29, 2008 at 7:57 p.m. ( Suggest removal )
I see someone who has their own code and mores, which are quite separate and different from the mainstream. This can happen among the highly intelligent. Just my 2c.

Shauna's thoughts are worth a heck of a lot more than two cents. Like Shauna I am so thankful I am highly intelligent. I know I am highly intelligent because I read my Myers-Briggs profile. I am an INFP. And it says we are all highly intelligent.

According to the INFP profile at similar minds I am "smart."

I am also:

attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

I don't think I am "emotionally" moody. Maybe I am moody, but I have no idea what emotionally is supposed to mean there.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

IF you are like Sarah Beth you don't like catching your b/f jacking it to the rape scene in Hitchcock's second to last movie "Frenzy"

I remember the time I caught my boyfriend jacking off to the rape scene in Alfred Hitchcock's second to last movie, "Frenzy." What was really disturbing was that he was eating a bowl of double chocolate cookie crunch ice cream at the time. It was his second bowl. I should tell you that Double Chocolate cookie crunch is my favorite ice cream flavor and he almost never leaves me any.

He tried to cover up the act by playing like he was just scratching his balls. I know how he likes to do that, so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I looked over at the TV and saw the girl he had been jacking off to, and I thought the chick in the movie was old and English and not even that cute, so I figured why would he jack off to her? Then I figured maybe he wasn't jacking to her so much as maybe he liked the idea of jackin' to a girl getting raped.

"I can't believe I am dating a fucking rapist." I told him.

And that's when he began to cry and tell me how sorry he was for masturbating and that he was 'so ashamed of it' and that he was just horny and I hadn't given him any sex for sometime. I liked how he pulled the blame game back on me and I told'em I was onto that trick. "That ain't gonna work, you can jack off to anything. Why to a rape scene?"

He didn't have an answer right away. A couple of day later he mentioned that not much was on TV that night, that he wasn't allowed any porn, and he liked the movie, and the mood just struck him, but I don't believe him at all. I have no idea what I am going to do with the cumm in that bowl. Shit like that always seems to happen to me.

I got around to watching that movie and I must say that the rape scene was well shot. I think I should apologize to my ex as I had no idea that the scene included shots of titties as I assumed that Hitchcock would never have nudity in his movies. The old woman had some nice boobs with some pretty cute nipples, and my ex had a thing for chicks with big boobs and pink nipples, so I guess it is a good thing that all the girls in my family come pre-loaded with double D's. And since I don't have any kids my tits aren't all brown or nasty. I have the cutest pink nipples. I love my nipples because they are super sensitive and they get hard whenever I want them to.

I am sure my mother would have had something to day about the jacking off incident. She would have told me to just be "happy that the old boy was giving you a day off." But the truth of it all is that I wasn't the one denying him sex. It was the other way around with my ex not seeming very interested in me. I have always been kinda chubby, not fat though, just curvy, and I had gained some weight because I discovered I really like double chocolate ice cream. But then again who doesn't? I am still a super good girlfriend. I let him watch football all day on Sunday while I do the laundry. Even though I know he just invites all his friends over to get high. But he sobers up by the time I get back, and he is in a good mood then, and I guess guys need their guy time to be happy.

I had to stop by the grocery store to get some quarters for laundry. I had to trade in pennies and nickels for the quarters because the ex spent all the paper money we had on ice cream instead of using the food stamp card. He says he doesn't like to use food stamps in front of his friends and that's when I asked him, "Well, how the hell do you think I feel when I use it?" He told me I could pretend we had kids and kids are what stamps are for, and then he said if that didn't work I could always distract the cashier by showing him my boobs. I think he noticed that I put on lipstick and mascara whenever we went grocery shopping.

And I said "what if the cashier was a girl?" But then he brought up how we always seem to go to the same cashier, and how I always went over to the same guy, and I swear I thought I actually saw a little jealousy flash in his eyes. I couldn't believe it. I felt a little guilty about it, but that cashier always stared at my tits, right in front of Mike like he wasn't even there. I know it got Mike pissed, but I liked how it made sure Mike couldn't take me for granted. I know you're thinking that lots of guys just like looking at big tits, but that cashier looking at me still made me feel good. And I like that Mike always made the ride home nice. He would actually ask me about my day and shit.

Speaking of grocery sotres. There are lots of scenes in the movie that take place in what I guess passes for a grocery store in London. Instead of regular grocery stores like here in America all they have is open air markets. I am sure there is a lot of symbolism with fruit getting crushed in scene after scene along side the raping and strangling of women, but I thought it was little heavy handed so I am not even going to point it out to you. Except to say that at one point a man crushed a "box" of grapes.