Friday, June 29, 2007

Bathos WIKI

I've had this idea for a while. I wanted one of my readers to start a Wikipedia entry for me. So the rest of the world could find out about me. But I think Wikipedia is difficult to edit. You would have to sign up to post an entry. I know you won't do that.

My readers are lazy. Most of you don't even click my hyperlinks. I know this because I keep track of your visits with special software. I don't just warn you about the Surveillance Society, I actively particiapte in it. I can't even imagine life without caller i.d. anymore.

Maybe I should just encourage all my readers to write up Wiki posts about me that I can post right here on Bathos. Then you would not have to sign up for anything. The best WIKI entries about Romius T would be heavily opinionated diatribes about the minutia of this blog or The Self Help Center.

You could fill the blog with footnotes. Because we all know that post-modern meta aware fiction is loaded with made up footnotes. I suggest this only because my readers are the best blog writers out in cyber-land and I think you guys could have some fun with it. Also I won't have to write as much.

CyberLand. Sounds like some kind of Kinky adult chat room.


Romius T.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I want to buy Dale Rippy a beer!

And I would make sure that I used that new Sam Adams beer glass. The beer glass is supposed to make beer taste even better. I don't think that is even possible. Another thing I never figured was possible was for a 62 year old man to defend himself against a rabies infested bobcat. But Dale Rippy did.

Dale Rippy (great name) is my new hero. He found himself in a battle, rabid bobcat vs. senior citizen. And he came out on top!

"A resident of Wesley Chapel, Florida, was pulling trashcans back to his house May 30 when he saw what he thought was a large cat. After realizing the animal was actually a bobcat, he set the trashcans down and prepared for an attack."

Boy did he.

“I started choking it when got a good hold,” he said. “I choked it ‘til he died. I got scratched up pretty good.”

Way to go old timer.

Monday, June 18, 2007

I love my McJob

Mc Donald's would like you to forget that they offer only low skill low paying jobs with few perks or benifits. They've even re-started an old attempt to get the dictionary to re-define the word McJob as something I guess we would all want to do.

I can't speak for Douglas Copeland, but I am pretty god damn pissed off about that. But no matter how pissed I was I figured no way in hell anybody is going to buy that idea from McDonald's I was wrong.

I was watching TV last night. There is a TV in the kitchen. I was making a grilled cheese sandwich. On TV was an all black situation comedy. I don't know how I was watching UPN. Maybe some kind of poltergeist was fucking with me.

At one point in the sitcom a women meets a man for a blind date. She finds out he works at Mickey D's. Before she protest he interrupts her. He gives her the corporate spill about how great it is to work at McDonald's. That one day he will own a few franchises and he will be rich. It won't be long before he can spread the bling bling.

Now I will have to admit to being a bit too white here. I can't recall the name of TV show. Or even what the situation of the show was. I do remember there may have been a couple of hot white girls on the show. Does anyone know what show I am talking about?

How about my minority friends. You guys probably watch this kind of crap. If it helps the girl talking to the Mickeys guy was in a relationship with another regular on the show, but she was trying to get him jealous. I really want to get this article digged, so I am going to need more facts. I want to expose the corruption of Mickeys, UPN, and shitty Hollywood writers who can sell out their souls for a few bucks.

I mean it's not like I would blog about thenew Police album for 10 bucks from pay per post .com

Why I Hate Danielle Dax and the Hipster Record Store Bitch that got me to buy her album

When I was a lot younger I used to buy a lot of new music. Then I discovered UFO. Since my discovery of the worlds greatest rock band I don't buy any other kind of music.

But there was a time when I did buy new music. I went out searching for it. I was young and impressionable. What I am saying here is that I was easy pickings for any cute record store worker with an agenda.

I met one worker with such an agenda. She must have been a Fem-Nazi and not just a hipster. Dax is known for calling powerful men "mean people." And by "powerful men" I mean record company executives who decided her music sucked. And I suppose the rest of the world, because her last album was called:

Comatose Non Reaction: The Thwarted Pop Career of Danielle Dax

And this recommendation for an obscure avantegarde artist came after I mentioned I like MSG and Queensr├┐che. I took the Nazi-hipster's suggestion and to this day I regret it.

You need to hear this crazy women yourself.

Just for comparisons sake check out my favorite band in 1985. At least I think it is 1985. The only original band member I can spot is the lead singer, Phil Mogg. A review of the album they are promoting on this UK TV show suggested that it sounded worse than Karaoke.

"Wow. I'm stunned by how much I dislike this mid-80's offering by the once mighty UFO. It's more like Phil Mogg doing karaoke to some rejected Starship backing tracks. Sissy sounding eighties keyboards wash over everything and the guitar is treated like an afterthought."

And that review came from a FAN of UFO. Now push Play. If you dare.

The last video is a very rare live performance of one of my top 5 favorite songs from the "classic" period. The classic period included Micheal Schenkner. The classic period is regarded as the best by UFO fans though the "early years" features some great stuff that is highly underrated. The song featured on the video "Space Rock" was never given the kind of respect it deserved. Space Child marks a transition from the Space Rock of the "early years" to the Hard Rock and Metal of the "classic period."

What is so awesome about this song is the remarkable restraint and subtlety you find in it. Much of that subtlety is lost in the poor video quality of this video.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I read books you don't, then I blog all political

Greg Palast has a new book out. It's called Armed Madhouse. Greg Palast is a bald headed Ex-Pat reporter who now resides in Britain. Palast broke the story about Jeb Bush scrubbing the names of 40,000 black voters in Florida in the 2000 election. The fix was in then and in 2004 and Palast claims the fix is in yet again for 2008.

I can tell you a few things about this book because I've read it. For one, Greg hates Tom Friedman. I can see why. It's not a hard thing to do. I think everybody should hate Tom. Greg also hates thick armed women like Mindy Tucker Fletcher.

Palast describes Tucker as "thick-armed blonde woman sucking on a super sized slurpee." (p. 202) In the accompanying photo of her on the next page I can see that his description of Mindy is dead on. She is thick armed. You could say that Ms. Tuckers most salient characteristic is her thick arms.

Mindy's thick arms could not fit in the picture.

Now this may comes as a surprise to you. But I think Palast is plain wrong and stupid for saying mean things about the "condescendingly faux friendly public relations gal." You see when he isn't using such outrageous language Palast tells us a story about how Republicans use "caging lists" to challenge Democratic voters.

It's an important story. A story that could even piss off Republicans. When Palast tells the story he dresses like he just stepped out of an audition for Dragnet. All "Film Noir" in a suit and tie and hat. His "just the facts" look contrasts with his red meat delivery for added comedic effect. Only the effect is all wrong. He is a serious investigative reporter, but he comes of looking goofier than Jon Stewart.

His manner does a disservice to his message. He often gets blown off by major TV and newspapers in the U.S. And his outrage will never allow any self respecting independent or Republican to listen to him long enough to discover the truth.

And Palast has a lot of truth to share with you. He has a theory that "Oil" is what killed the Soviet Union not Reagan. His theory is backed up by "Yegor Gaidar is director of the Institute for Economies in Transition in Moscow. Between 1991 and 1994, he was acting prime minister of Russia, minister of economy, and first deputy prime minister." And By Thomas Friedman.

His final theory I'd like to tell you about may comes as a shock to my liberal friends... WE HAVE PLENTY OF OIL! In fact we have too much oil. So much oil that Exxon and OPEC conspire to "rev" up the price by sitting on the oil fields in Iraq. Which he claims is the "real" reason for the war. Not to secure more oil. But to manage oil production and price.

Saddam Hussein got invaded because he would mess with the oil market. One day Saddam would pump full out. The next day he would stop production. It was an instability in the price of oil. An instability not controlled by the Big Oil companies and OPEC that got Hussein in trouble. Not Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

2 Ideas for Novels that I've had for years that better writers stole from me

The first great novel idea I had was about a future dystopia after a nuclear holocaust. In the aftermath of a collapse of society humans struggle to retain the knowledge of the former advanced civilization cultivated from an idiosyncratic collection of history, science and literature written down by a slightly smarter than average guy -just like me.

On a remote "island" a group of survivors finds "my" books and crib notes of knowledge. They attempt to write up a constitution based on my humanism and try and use what they can gleam from the "books of the past" to build bridges. a squared + b Squared = u get the idea.

I write down everything I know in hopes that future generations won't have to relearn the scientific method. People have really long discursive literary "battles" full of footnoted references to stuff I made up. Kinda like Idiotocracy only future people aren't stupid, just ignorant.

What kind of battles you ask? Should they start a religion based on me. Am I the originator of knowledge like Socrates or did I just borrow a bunch of ideas and try and pass them off like Plato.

Who stole my idea?

Will Self's Book Of Dave

"it tells the story of an angry and mentally-ill Cockney London Taxi driver named Dave Rudman, who writes and has printed on metal a book of his rantings against women and thoughts on custody rights for fathers. These stem from his anger with his ex-wife, Michelle, who he believes is unfairly keeping him from his son. Equally influential in Dave's book is The Knowledge -- the intimate familiarity with the city of London required of its cabbies.

Dave buries the book, which is discovered centuries later and used as the sacred text for a misogynistic religion that takes hold in the remnants of southern England and London following catastrophic flooding. The future portions of the book are set over 500 years after its discovery. No real indication of how long the book sat undiscovered is given."

How did he ruin it?

Now I have nothing but the greatest of respect for Will Self. He's one of my favorite authors of all time. But he invents his own language for the book and has to include a glossary so that you can make sense of it. The book is simply unreadable for an American (Self is English) because it uses misspellings and a peculiar ghetto English dialect.

The second idea from me for a great novel was whisked away by Christopher Buckley in his novel Boomsday.

Again my novel takes place sometime in the Dystopian Future where an advertising agency started by two 20somethings (I was watching thirtysomething too much-I guess that dates me-) gets hired by the government to create an advertising campaign designed to convince people to kill themselves.

I was going to call the novel Dying- "made easy."

How Chris Buckley proved he is a writer and I am just a blogger.

"[His] novel takes place a few years in the future, shortly after Boomsday — the day when Baby Boomers start turning 65 and begin sinking the Social Security system. Cassandra Devine — a 20-something blogger still angry at her father for investing her college savings in a dot-com startup — decides to declare war on that pampered generation."

I could never come up with a reason why the government wanted people to die. I tried to solve the problem by having all the "customers" who fell for the campaign placed in vast holding tanks. But why the hell would the the government want to hold people in tanks? To save energy to prevent Global Warming. Yeah....retarded I know.

Buckley's take is that a war gets started by Gen X to relieve the overpopulation brought on by retiring Boomers who don't want to work anymore. Genuis, Sir. Pure genius.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

You need to be the pussy pilot over your vagina

Honor your pussy. This post is dedicated to Foxxylove. I hoped your blog would be a lot more like this. But you have not posted in months. Maybe you need Vagina Power. If you had Vagina Power you could blog away!

Best line of the video, "These men are given Dick away!"

Friday, June 08, 2007

If you think the nickel is missing, you're right.**

I'm sitting here drinking soda at 5:23 in the morning because I think it is a good idea to consume caffeine right before going to sleep. That way my brain can let me sleep, but only if it spits and spurts out the REM I need.
Sleep then drifts in and out. I wake by the hour. I stare at the clock. Am I dreaming, or am I just imagining that I am dreaming?

All I have to drink is R/C Cola which is way better than any Wal*Mart brand of soda. All that glycolic acid sweeps in to cut away at the sweetness of the liquid, otherwise I'd be vomiting from the 16 teaspoons of sugar just pumped into me. I drink all that soda because I can't afford beer most nights. Even dollar beers. Events always conspire against me.

All this soda is going to rot my teeth. I know it and I'll be working at Denny's soon. I nearly got sick off the B.O. from a Denny's waiter. My waiter is afraid to bathe because of all the unprotected gay sex he is having. If my Denny's waiter scrubs too hard he might chafe, and if he chafes he might bleed, and if he bleeds, he only increasing his chances of getting the AIDS.

I guess he could have less of the unprotected gay sex. Wear a condom, or get tested, but our waiter has a system. And who's to say mine is any better than his. His seems to be working. I mean other than the B.O. and the general listlessness. The dark circles that have unpacked their bags under his eyes. The tired thinness of his bones. His unpleasantness towards vegans. Other than that he seems ok. Iffy...but ok really. If you think about it. Which I have to now because my friend has freaked out about the B.O.

"You know he just made your sandwich."

And yours too I remind him.

**Of course it is quite possible that nobody thinks the nickel is missing. that's why the nickel stayed there for so long. Or maybe nobody ever needed a nickel at the same time they decided to pee in the bathroom. But they make a mental note. They tell themselves that if they ever need a nickel "all I got to do is go to the bathroom. I can geta nickel there."

It was probably bad luck to remove the nickel, you are thinking. But what do you know? There is no such thing as bad luck. When bad things happen to you it is because bad things are planned for you. Did you stop and think that bad things really only happen to you? That everybody else seems to get up in the morning and get by in life. They wake up and geta cup of coffee and a danish and kiss their boyfriends goodbye. The don't spill shit on themselves, and they are never late to work and even when they are the boss never catches them.

Stop worrying about the nickel, you've got a lot more things to worry about.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Jail Bait is the new (insert foot in mouth here) Zeitgeist

If you've been writing a blog as long as I have then you know how easy it is to run out of things to say. Unless of course you are one of those kinds of people who can never shut up. I'm not one of those people. I can ride in a hot car with you all day and never tell you to turn the A/C on. I am very sensitive to people's pain and I figure like me you are aware of my discomfort, but you just don't care. All my sensitivities get me in trouble. Like my sensitive defense of the jailbait zeitgeist.

And like all men called upon to defend jailbait, I have been tested. I have been crucified. Sure the TSHC can be relied upon to keep all you little minions informed. But sometimes even I let things slip past me. But all it takes is a nudge by Fredrick Schwartz an authority from Hell's little newspaper and I get back in the game.

Of course I am talking about 18 year old pole vaulter and hottie Allison Stokke. And unlike some guys I can be respectful. I would never put her picture on a mug and try and make money off of it. Hell this blog's entire income has been under $5.

Here are some hot photos of a girl still in High School.

Stop trying to think of keywords to add to your blog titles

A lot of people will tell you that you should eat the entire contents of any bag of M&M's you buy. But not me. I always leave at least one M&M in the bag in case a homeless guy goes through my garbage. That way he gets a prize. But that's just me. A nice guy.