Thursday, February 28, 2008

Mom finds hero asleep in bed of 14 year old after girl leaves for school

Some days I don't like getting out of bed. I'll just lay there all day. I try to think of reason to get up. I usually can't. If I need to go to work, I can get up for that. But the whole time I am getting ready I chant how "I hate my life." When I don't have to go to work I just stay inside and watch Netflix all day. In the last month I've had 19 movies delivered to me, and I've watched 18 movies instantly overt the Internet. If you add the blog and podcast to all this excitement I think you can see how I have a full life, and I have no need for marriage or a sex life.

I know you don't care how lazy I am. I am tyring to give you advice on how not to live. If you have a chance to live the dream, don't fuck it up like 27 year old Eric Gahagen did. After driving 1500 miles to bang his new underage girlfriend, he decides to take a lazy nap in her room. Bad idea Eric. Don't be lazy like me.

What? College chicks go to class, and college girls love Strawberry Shortcake lunch boxes. I hear prison is fun for lazy people who like to nap and read all day. If I could get the internet and the special "no anal penetration" wing, I could sign up for this prison thing.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Teddy, treat me like a Whore!!!!

I hope I catch you reading my blog at work. If you do you better turn down the sound right now. I would for you, but Switchpod won't allow me to disable the automatic audio function, and well you've probably already figured out the rest.

Episodes 5 and 6 are up at the Self Help Center Podcast. Today's podcast features the world's most boring porn clip, Andy Rooney on Poop, and a blog post warning regarding comet and ass rubbing.

Speaking of poop, mine is yellow again, even though I haven't touched a drink in almost 2 months. Maybe all that fiber laced yogurt isn't so good for me after all. The box says to give it 10 days for best results in digestive health. I have no idea what that means, but I am pretty sure digestive health and yellow constipated poop isn't it.

It took 3 years of weak shitting to get me turned on to adding fiber in my diet. Maybe shitting is supposed to require at least a modicum of effort on my part. But I prefer the drippy wet shitting that slides out of your ass in a couple of seconds, to the thicker fiber based shits I am taking now. And I am not mentioning the fact that I can't sleep at night because of the farting and colon cramps.

I remember as a kid I used to get incredible gas attacks that my parents never fully believed in. I would refuse dinner and lie hunched over on my bed all night. My mom would check in on me now and then, but my Dad completley refused to pay for any anti-gas medication. He was a cheap bastard in those days like that.

I suppose trading in soft shitting for densely packed crap is ok, but I had no idea that waiting three days to ejaculate could get my come to look like 2 day old stiffened egg yolk. I need to get medical insurance straight away.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Monkey Muck: You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me

My friend and an amazing blogger is having a bit of heart trouble. Monkey Muck: You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me.

I am sure most of you know by now, but go wish him well!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I'm not a pedophile, I just play one on the internet

I have a hard time getting a date. The closest thing I have had to a date this year is a text message from a 17 year old. The text message read "I'm a vampire and I need blood." I think that is some kind of code, but I'm not sure for what. I think maybe my under age text message girl friend is involved in some kind of blood cult. She probably wants to seduce me, and steal all my blood for her vampire husband. Well unlike you perverts, I am not at all down for that kind of shit. I'm old, and so is my blood. I can't afford give any of it away, because I think my rectum is bleeding now that I am eating all that yogurt fiber and apples. Either that or the peels of red deelicious apples don't get digested. Since I don't eat apples very often I can't be for sure what I found in my toilet paper. Either way you can't be too careful.

You can't be too careful. That's a saying some of you more advanced Chomo's need to take to heart. Like if you are convicted sex offender over the age of 25 don't go bringing your high school g/f to the prom, even if she asks.

ATHENS, Ala. — A convicted sex offender remained jailed Tuesday after the 25-year-old man, posing as a teenager, was caught taking a 14-year-old girl to a dance at her middle school, Athens authorities said.

Athens Middle School faculty members stopped Gregory Ray Brooks at the gym door because he appeared to be much older than his date at the Friday dance, Athens Superintendent Orman Bridges Jr. said.

"He didn't look like the 17-year-old he said he was," Bridges said. "The faculty did an excellent job of monitoring who was coming in and catching this guy. They kept him from other students and maybe helped this young lady out of a bad situation."

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Watch this You Tube Rant of Noam Chomksy and then try and watch the House Republicans scare you into being spied on


I read disappointing news on the Internet

I just read some very disappointing news on the Internet. The maker of Enzyte, the little pill that provides for big "male enhancement," has been found guilty of fraud in a court of law.

"Steve Warshak, whose conviction was reported Friday by The Cincinnati Enquirer, is founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which distributes Enzyte and a number of products alleged to boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss and aid restful sleep."

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I can never catch a break. I've only had a job for 5 months, so I have not saved enough money to buy any of Steve's pills yet. But that was the plan. I was going to buy a crap load of Enzyte and leave the boxes of pills outside like a Hansel and Gretel trail. I need a girlfriend and I am sure this was going to be the idea that finally worked for me.

It turns out you can't buy a bigger dick in a pill box. I don't know if I need a bigger dick. I've always been able to orgasm with my current size. Though lately I think I have rubbed off all the sensitivity from my penis because of all the furious masturbating I've been doing. I wrap aluminium foil around the head of my cock and yell obscenities at myself. My new technique has left me raw and orgasm-less for a week. And now to top off all that I won't be able to grow a new dick. I am so disappointed that I can't trust a company who's advertisements ran "We couldn't say it, if it wasn't true." I guess you can say and I guess it's not true. What I am saying here is that the Big Dicked Nazis win again, and small penised (I know you prefer to call yourself large clitorised) guys lose again. [NSFW LINK TO HELL'S BEST NEWSPAPER]

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I don't know many White people, but the white people I do know sure do scare me

I am sure they scare you too. I am white so I don't really have much to worry about from them. If you look white then they pretty much leave you alone.

If you are person of color be happy for every day that goes by without a white person bothering you. But when you are white trash like me, you wonder why you don't have any white friends from the country club that can get you one of those high paying, do-nothing jobs you are always hearing colored people complain about.

What I am saying is that it sucks not knowing any of the right white people, because the right white people have all the money, and all the jobs. I decided to try and meet some of those white people on the Internet, and that's why I started this blog. Only all the white people I meet online are bigger freaks than me because you'd have to be a big ass freak or maybe a hipster to think anything I say is funny, and not mean, offensive and sick like it really is.

I found a site that gives the best advice about how to deal with white people. It's called Stuff White People Like. I looked up this site right after I discovered I was being cyber-stalked by a white chick who's friends enjoy cooking and eating her placenta. I hope I didn't just piss off my first, number 1 superfan, and even though I hate to admit it, I got a bit freaked out reading Frieda Bee. I still love F. B and I don't care if you eat your babies or you are into cannibalism because you can't help those kind of things. Your white people, and it's in your culture, and if there is one thing white people know, it's that you can't make fun of someone because of their culture.

I was warning my only other white friend, greensunflower, about how a lot of the white people next door to her could be closeted (or not so closeted) cannibalists, when she offered to Fed Ex me her placenta after she got pregnant. Sunflower told me that eating the placenta was quite common in other cultures, and if there is one thing we all know about white people, it's that they love borrowing strange cultural artifacts and traditions from crazy ethnic people, and adopting those traditions as some kind of 'alternative' yet also somehow more authentic culture than their own.

All my non-white friends find white-hipsters adopting their ancient ways to be a white cultural peculiarity that is particularly distressing to them. But once again, that's just non-white people not getting white people, and the things we care about, like my Netflix. I've got to admit that the first time I read that hipsters like Netflix on stuff white people like I got like real pissed off and shit, but then I realized that my love of NetFlix is just ironic, so it's cool again, or maybe not. I'm not really clear on this. But I am not as hip as I'd like to be, because I still think everybody wants to be a preppy and not a hipster. I have no idea why white people wear baggie pants past their ass. I thought that was a trick only black people and puerto ricans could pull off. Now I see all the greasy hipsters doing it and I am sure that I am supposed to want to do it too, but for the love of god I really don't.

I mean I am a slave to fashion as much as the next guy. I wore bell bottom pants when I thought they would never get back in fashion. And now I am slowly warming up to the idea of being turned on by women in skinny jeans and flats. When enough hot chicks start wearing something, I begin to associate all that hottness not with the chicks, but with the clothing style. And since I think 35% of all women are hot, you can bet I love me some skinny jeans. Go ahead and taper your jeans white girls and throw some of those creepy fug boots on, even though fug is out of style, so much so that I guess it just got back in style for people who love saying that they don't care about style by being the most stylish person they know.

I guess I just summed up why I hate hipsters in one long run on sentence. I'm not sure how this rant went away from me protecting colored people by explaining why white people scare me, to me hating on hipsters, but I never promised you any real helpful advice on anything, did I?

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Self Help Center Goes Podcast!!!!

Go visit the The Self Help Center Podcast!

I know you guys are too lazy to read !! Go digg me and subscribe to me on I-tunes. Make me famous bitch! You can call me at 623-239-8052 and leave me a voice mail for the blog or podcast! Or just push the call button and leave your phone number (you can keep your number private) and the voice mail will call you and you can leave your message.

I've disabled the podcast player, but you can always play or download an episode from my switchpod feed, or subscribe to me via i-tunes!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

This Week in Netflix means I review movies that you were never going to watch in the first place and make jokes you can only get if u watch them

I love my pathetic fan girls. I just said I love you and I that was the first time in a few years that someone told you they love you, and the last time was probably your uncle right before he slipped a dirty fingernail into your asshole. Because you are one of my pathetic fans I like to keep you informed about the minutia of my life. Like what I am doing all day now that I am no longer a pro poker player. Mostly I just watch movies on the internets and play poker a little bit less. Last night I won 60 dollars, it should have been a lot more but I made a couple of obvious mistakes.

I tried making a "move" i.e. bluff on a tight player just because she was female and mexican and you know how I have "issues" with mexicans because I was once married to a mexican. I don't want to give you the false impression that I don't like hispanics, because I love peruvians and paraguayans. Just not the mexicans, well at least the female ones.

Only an asshole could think this is a picture of my mexican ex wife.

I'm going to give you some advice and it's going to be free because you can't afford to donate any money to me on paypal. All your money goes to porn, war of worldcraft, and to feeding your homeless cats even though those homeless cats won't live with you or snuggle with or even rub against you which is just a cat's way of having sex with you. I think it's kinda pathetic, but as you can see I have my own pathetic hobbies and those hobbies include seeing any and every movie ever made no matter how much it sucks. I have rated at least 500 movies on Netflix and the average of those ratings is 3.5

I know most movies aren't that good. Most movies are crap and the people who figured that out already drink bottles of wine, and wear nice slacks, and have girlfriends who only use quality hair product that cost more than my car payment.

I know most of this rant has nothing to do with me reviewing movies and the people who discover my blog via search engines get pissed when they read my blog, because my blog posts never have anything to do with the title, or the key word term is so far buried into the post that they get bored reading my shit like this asshole:

"Die. Seriously, your life is not worth it. This post talked about something totally unrelated to the title, then about 1/3 of the way in changed to the "real" post, which then rambled on about nothing before finishing inconclusively. I regret reading this post, it was a waste of my time when I could have been eating, sleeping, or reading anybody else's* posts, all of which are better than this."

I like the fact that the guy uses an asterisk to qualify his argument. I also think this guy has a point and I should probably die, and if it's any consolation to him I have not had a firm shit since I stopped eating all that yogurt with added fiber, because all I ever did on it is have amazing cramps and farts. I am pretty sure that weak shitting is a sign you are dying, and if I am wrong it's probably because I am not a doctor just a barely employed cashier who's last ten outings to play poker have payed off unlike my pal Card Shark. I can't remember the last time that guy won him some money playing poker, but if I know him he's probably told his girlfriend that he's won thousands of dollars, and is going to buy her a Porsche, and she can finally believe in love again.

I know that last crack is going to piss somebody off, but they should just understand that I only insult family, and those I love, or people I am really acquainted with, or whom I respect, or people I think could take it, but sometimes I just can't help myself and say things I know I shouldn't, but the other person shouldn't get mad either because he's a bit of a hard ass himself on people, and a sign of maturity is taking as good a you are giving, and I don't mean that in some kind of anal penetration pornographically veiled reference. I guess what I am really saying is that you should take it as a compliment, and not get all butt hurt, because if you want to get offended by something, get offended by the 10 million babies who will die trying to suck the last bit of tit juice out some poor refugee mommy with flies stuck in her eyes. At least your feet are warm and your microwave oven works.

If you'd like we can get to the part where I review movies in 10 seconds or less.

Secret Things I have yet to complete watching this film.

Protagonist Ditto.

The Bridesmaid *** (see review below.)

Grindhouse: Death Proof ***

I watched this movie in the theater with a friend. Card Shark thought it sucked and I liked it, but not as much as the critics who panned the other movie it was shown with in a double feature theatrical release, even though the other movie had a hooker with a machine gun in her leg. The description of this "released individually" movie says they added 30 minuted to this film but I can't tell where. The movie kinda dragged the first time I saw it. And it drags here as well.

I like the first act of the film better than the Zoe stunted car chase of the second act, but as usual I am alone in my opinions. There is a lot of chatty kathy talk in the beginning and for some reason which you probably can't guess I like that.

Grindhouse: Death Proof ***

As you can see I watched this movie in fits and starts and most of the time I just had it going on in the background to divert me from realizing how boring surfing the web is.

Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man

This movie gets 4.5 stars. Even though it basically tries to redeem Ralph Nader in the eyes of progressives who think he is a nutjob who cost Al Gore the election and is responsible for the Fascism of the Bush Administration. With all that going against him the movie made me like him again, but maybe I am just gullible like that.


I have not finished this movie and I am not sure I will finish it. Ok, I will but just for you, and to silence the strange obsessive compulsive disorder I have. My disease comes at me from weird places like: I can't stand reading the last word of the last line of a book until my eyes are done with the rest of the pages. If I even glance at the last page of a book before I am finished with it I will break into sweats.

This movie is the Lesbian Hard Candy. Rosario Dawson plays a college student in the movie. Which would be fine if she played a 30 something who went back to school, but she is supposed to be playing an 18 year old kid. That shit doesn't play. Neither does the "rape" scene which looks like every sex scene I've ever experienced. The girl pretends she isn't horny, and I pretend she isn't a mentally retarded 14 year old who moans when she eats mayonnaise.

The Bridesmaid

Surface: The Complete Series: Episode 1 (pilot) **** (That's 4 stars in case you don't get it.)

00:04:20 (That's the time stamp in case you don't get it.)

Netflix instant browse does this awesome thing where if you stop watching a movie and then play it at another time it starts up right where you left off. Which means if you ADD like me you will never get through a movie in one sitting again. But I say fuck directors in their holier than thou "watch my move the way it was meant to be seen" shit.

I thought this show was another sci-fi tv show that was on at the same time as the show I used to watch. Only that show was part x-files and part this show without all the cute fuzzy E.T. shit. The pilot for Surface is not too bad, because I count at least 1 teen girl bikini scene in the first 5 minutes, but that's when I turned it off.

The Parallax View

I watched this movie like 4 times before I got through it. The beginning is cheesy 70's. I guess stunt men didn't know how to throw or take a punch back then because the action sequences are so amateurish they forced me out of my suspended disbelief, if you can believe that.

I like conspiracies and this movie has one. The movie opens with a news conference about a congressional hearing. Congress assures us that some crazy person shot somebody and it has nothing to do with the new world order and the new world order wants to eat you. In other words it reads like it came out of the 9-11 hearings or from some Ron Paul supporter. Pure wacko. The end of the movie is good and that makes up for it starring the guy from Reds, Warren Buffy. I wrote 'the guy from Reds' because I couldn't remember his name and I don't feel like IMBD'ing everything.

The Parallax View

Lightning Bug

This movie could have been a good movie, or at least an awesome indie flick. But they got the casting all wrong. The guy who plays the lead looks to old to play teen and doesn't even make an effort at faking a southern accent. I don't want to berate the actor because he's likable and maybe he's a good actor. He's just not southern, he gives off an air of intelligence the rest of the movie characters don't have, because they are too busy playing up over the top stereotypes.

The movie is produced by Laurie "even her name sounds annoying" Prepon. Laurie is the red head from That 70's show. I like her. She's hot and I like to pretend that my last g/f looked a lot like her. I can't remember what my last g/f looked like, but you get the picture. This movie also stars Hal Sparks. I don't know why.

I gave up on this movie 4 or 5 times and kept coming back. One reviewer on Netflix complained about an obnoxious and gratuitous sex scene inexplicably dropped in the middle of the movie. I agree with everything that reviewer said. I can't understand why if you are going to introduce a sex scene, just for the hell of it, why you wouldn't expose at least one of Laurie's breasts. None were. So what's the point?

Maxed Out ****

A really good, solid documentary. If Frontline is on and it's a repeat and you really want to get your Frontline on, then watch this movie.

No End in Sight ****

Ditto. Only more so.

Lightning Bug

The Parallax View

The Bridesmaid

Another movie that took multiple viewing to get through. Only this one is in French so if you want to watch it, you have to read. *

Maxed Out

Claire Dolan

I reviewed this movie previously.

The Contract

The Girl from Monday

The Ten

Night Watch

* I ain't done reviewing all these movies but even I am running out of steam on this. Come back in a day or two to read the rest of the reviews.

Monday, February 04, 2008

The FBI wants to build a 1 billion dollar biometric database so they can trace the "tramp stamp" you got on your back during Spring Break

As a kid I was forced to take a baths with my brother until we were 11. We didn't like it and we used to record ourselves making up stories and insulting our parents on cassette tapes. We knew they could get listened to, but weren't worried. We were sure we would erase the tapes and no one would be any wiser. Boy were we wrong.

We forgot to erase all the tapes we made and our cousins found the tapes. My cousins were totally pissed off at what they heard and ran and told on us. My parents wanted to yell at us for all the shit we talked, but after they listened to them they couldn't bring themselves to do it. They thought the tapes were just too funny.

I guess that's how I would describe the Bush administration and the e-mail scandal. Bush and Cheney are just a couple of 10 year olds at bath time ragging on their parents, with the cocky sense that they will never get caught. But just like me and my brother they got caught! But nothing will happen to them.

Thinking about those fake radio tapes my brother and I used to make has made me consider buying a microphone and a mixer so I can restart my old podcast, News from the Surveillance Society.

Here are a few more stories I'd have to report if I was still podcasting.

The FBI is looking to create a massive database on you that will profile your every detail down to your earlobe, iris and fingerprints, how you walk, tattoos, etc. Total Information Awareness is still the goal of the government under G. W. Bush. He has just hidden the spying, by splitting it into many parts, and hidden the TIA agenda, by breaking it into bite sized pieces.

Ford is selling a truck that comes equiped with RFID technology. "An in-dash display will then show what's in your truck so you can tell right away if someone snagged your hammer, or, hopefully, you just left it at the job site."

Sunday, February 03, 2008

What I killed today

"My primary directive in life is to exhibit compassion wherever possible."

That quote is taken from the blog profile of a woman "kills animals as part of work with a lot of injured wildlife. Also not wild animals that are just in a lot of pain. Sometimes I have to euthanize them. I decided to record each animal I euthanize here."

She is a vegan, married, and a trapeze artist. And I guess she frets over killing the animals. But I hate animals. And this site is dedicated towards me becoming a serial killer. We all know how serial killers start out killing tiny, defenseless beings before moving on to tuffer kills. I'm to blood shy to actually get my kill on, but now I can vicariously share in the thrill of murder. The prose is sparse and the descriptions are laconic.

  • the dog whimpered with the injection and tried to fight it a bit. then he laid down and rested.

  • I didn't kill it but I watched a hamster die today.

I thank you trapeze flying, vegan, veterinary tech girl for the third best orgasm of my life.


Saturday, February 02, 2008

Spies of the Robot target me. I fight back.

For 25 dollars you can protect yourself against spies. The hidden camera detector from thinkgeek.

"When a wireless camera is detected, an LED light flickers and an audible alarm sounds. Advanced circuitry reduces false alarms from background interference and a sensitive tuner allows you to automatically scan variable distances and channels. The unit detects frequencies from 50MHz to 3GHz."

"robot vs Puppy" will not be pleased.