Thursday, April 13, 2006

My GMAIL knows you dumped me, or Google me this bitch.

Modern relationships are weird. Technically I am too old to know about "modern" relationships. When I was 15, girls mostly played with My Little Ponies.

Today most 15 year olds are on selling "used panties" from their 12 member gang bangs. They wear jewelry which advertises if they go to third base and what not.

Generation Y invented the term "friends with benefits." Because of that, when you "date" Millenial Kids you never know where you're at. Gen Y girls don't use terms like boyfriend or dating or seeing other people. Nevertheless, when they do get around to telling you they have been "avoiding telling you something," it can still seem like they really never said anything after all.

That's why I have to thank god for G-Mail. If you don't know anything about G-Mail let me explain. G-Mail provides a nearly bottomless supply of storage space. They like to brag that you don't ever have to delete anything. They also have a wonderful search system that allows you to quickly find past emails.

All of these wonderful services are brought to you for free. But this is America, so nothing for "free" is really free. Instead G-mail makes money by inserting "relevant text ads" **alongside your messages. Here is the company line

"Yes, there are small, unobtrusive, and relevant text ads alongside your Gmail messages, similar to those on the side of Google search results pages. The matching of ads to content is a completely automated process performed by computers. No humans read your email to target the ads, and no email content or other personally identifiable information is ever provided to advertisers. Ads are never inserted into the body text of either incoming or outgoing Gmail messages and you won't see any pop-ups or untargeted banner ads in Gmail. In fact, Gmail users have even told us that they've found our ads to be interesting and even useful."

They're right of course, the ads are quite relevant. For instance one of the ads placed near a recent message asked me this pertinent question "On the edge of a breakup?" As the e-mail "conversation" progressed, G-Mail followed the tract of the discussion quite well. It moved from the possibility of a breakup to "I used to Miss Him" survival guides for dealing with breakups, to "Can you fix this?" to "Maybe it's time to think about Match.Com huh?"

Near the end I stopped reading the lengthy diatribes against my "laziness and degenerate gambling" she typed and just started to follow the relavant text ads. I figured G-Mail new more about my "non-relationship" relationship than I did.

And I was right. Thanks G-MAIL.

** I have experimented my self with relevant text ads. Unfortunately mine was a near complete failure.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

You can no longer ejaculate on a person without their consent.

I have a friend that reads this blog. I don't think this friend visits Connecticut very often. But if he did, then he needs to know about certain changes in the law. I am quite certain his former excuse that "it's just a visual thing" will no longer work.

P.S. This is what Lindsey Lohan looks like.(Without the ejaculate of Wilmer Valderrama) Senate Seals No-Contact Sex Assault Loophole:

"This may actually force potential, as well as existing, sexual predators to understand that ejaculating on a person's face is not in fact funny, normal, or an act that can easily be dismissed by a misdemeanor,' she said. 'Although the refinement of this law will not improve my situation or case, at least I'll be able to live at ease knowing that no other innocent person will be taken advantage of by both a sexual predator and by the law.'"

Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm desperate...ain't I?

Is it just me, or is Katherine Harris looking pretty good in this pic? I get it... I am desperate for some loving, not quite as desperate as Kathy must be to meet with black people.

You gotta hand it to her handlers they were able to find the 5 guys in Florida not pissed about having their votes stolen by her. I mean where the hell did they find these guys? I guess Bush must have allowed a few Haitians over.

2000 election... never forget baby!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Did you know that there are other bands that sound like UFO?

Because if you did and you did not tell me about them, then you suck. I have not bought a new album since 1978 and I am only 35.

I just found out that a band called Wild Turkey sounds a lot like the great UFO. Interesting parallel UFo has a song which mentions wild turkey.

Cold Wild Turkey Drives a spike right through my brain
Bar room mothers
Waiting for the gravy train

I know weird..huh. And I totally agree withe "Bar Room Mothers" comment. They is always waiting for the gravy train. I was such a catch back when I had health insurance.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Larry King Likes Lucky Charms!

It's my first post as a recurring writer of "the Bathos" and already I've made a leprechaun joke.

I have Jennifer Aniston's name tattooed on the back of my ass. Not because I tagged it, but because that's just how I roll. It's like whenever one of my Laotian Mini Wives is butt-fucking me from behind with a strap on dildo it reminds her exactly where she stands in the pecking order. Probably around # 169.

I am sure that you all want to know what have I been up to. Well, I have been secluded away at my Laotian Mini Wife Turkey-baster breeding farm. Inquire with an e-mail for franchising rights.

Many of you know me from my former blog -Larry King Blogs-. No thanks to Al-Qaeda that blog was shut down. 16 posts and 213 page views later and all I can get is the guest host shot?

So a more than just a few of you will recall my motto "My style?--Think Kyra Sedgwick in the Closer, but tuffer!" But just the other day I watched something which has got me worried about Kyra. It's her husband. They made a movie together called the Woodsman. In it the "openly" married man potrays a pedophile. Kyra inexplicably falls for this guy who thinks a good time is found conversing about Rainbow Bright with 11 year old's. Jeepers.

Lately I have been coughing up a lot of mucus, though when you turn 72 you don't exactly cough up mucus anymore, you cough up lung cancer.

474 Laotian Mini Wives were pissed off at this post.

Larry King blogs every thursday night at 6, when he's not too drunk he posts.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

At least he wasn't fired for blogging....

If you know me, then you know I was fired for blogging (if you fired me, then you know the real reason-let's keep that to ourselves though shall we.)

I just stumbled upon a blogger that was not hired because of his blog. I am excerpting a long passage from his blog because I believe blogs have no copyrights.

If you are a blogger looking for a way to spice up your blog, I highly recommend something like this. If you are a blogger looking for a job, however, I would not.Before my sons were born, I was a third-grade teacher. Last year, when my boys both became full-time preschoolers, I decided it was time to rejoin the work force.

I contacted the school system where I’d taught before and we set up an interview for a teaching position at an elementary school. During the meeting, I told them about my time spent caring for my boys and how excited I was to return to teaching. I also mentioned that I was a writer and that a few stories of mine had been published. They seemed impressed; one committee member even let out a “Wow.” This propelled me to brag jokingly that when you google my name, I am the first Christopher Monks to appear.

“Well, I did google you,” one interviewer said, “and I found your web site.” She had an injured foot, which was propped up on the chair next to mine and pointing at me in all its Ace-bandaged glory.

“Oh,” I answered.“I have concerns about some of your writing,” she said.“Oh.”“Particularly, your letters to Star Jones raised some questions.”

“Oh,” I said. Realizing it was my third “Oh” in a row, I added, “Really?”“Yes,” she replied. It felt like her foot was right in my face. “Well, my letters to Star Jones are silly and mindless,” I said, trying to chuckle the issue away.

She nodded, but she clearly expected something more.“Silly and mindless,” I repeated, “And harmless.” “What would happen should a parent or student come upon your web site? How would you respond to questions about your unusual interests?”“My interests?”“Yes, such as Star Jones,” she said. The tips of her toes wiggled accusatorily.Then I realized what was going on.

The interviewer thought I was actually stalking Star Jones. So I said what anyone would in that situation: “I’m not stalking Star Jones.”As soon as I heard myself say the words, “I’m not stalking Star Jones,” I knew the interview was over.

Later that day, I received a phone call from the school’s principal. When he told me I would not be continuing to the next step of the hiring process, I asked if my blog had anything to do with it. Yes, he said, it had everything to do with it.

* * *Months later the whole episode still irks me. Three successful years of teaching and glowing letters of recommendations from former colleagues were trumped by a silly and mindless (and harmless!) hobby. Now I wonder if teaching is the right profession for me. I like working with children, helping them become happy and confident learners, but I’m not sure I can handle working with over-serious and suspicious adults.

I have just been "informed" by council that blogs could have copyrights, but he's not sure. "Is that because you'd have to be a lawyer to know about that?" I asked. "I am a lawyer, you asshat." he replied. "Oh, just not a good one." I mumbled (but that was to myself- I think he heard "Well law is such a complicated field, outside of your specialty it's tough to know what's going on."