Britney Spears is a white trash faliure at being a Mom, so no one minds if she tries to kill herself,at least Larry King can blog how he hates Dr Phil

I hear voices. Baby jesus talks to me through a toaster oven. He tells me I need to check on some things at my Laotian mini-wife turkey baster impregnation farm. The morning is cold, grey and overcast. A Black helicopter's spotlight breaks through the clouds, peering down at me.

George Bush's secret "fascists escape route" is located next door to me in the remote Paraguayan jungle. I know this because of the black helicopters that constantly encircle my farm and because I am on good terms with, Steve Nash' s wife, the world's third most famous Paraguayan.

At one of the pump stations I meet up with Mini-wife #434. She has on stiletto heals that add 3 inches in height. That brings her to a full 2 foot 3. She's proud of her heels and she stands provocatively as to show them off. If she were green you'd swear to god she was leprechaun.

"Ohh, Larry, me love you long time." Asian mini wife number 434 coos.

"Gamble...gamble." My tiny Laotian mini-wife barks at me. She points to a pumping station. "Ok. Ok, I'll get somebody on that."

It's early. And I need my breakfast. But the goddamn toaster won't shut up. He keeps shouting something about a gurney and being hauled off. And how K-fed is the Antichrist. And Britney isn't crazy. But I've seen that girls pussy and it looks like somebody gave it a good whack with a meat tenderizer. I tell the toaster oven that I think Britney's found god, just like that Baptist woman from Houston who killed all her kids in the bathtub. I tell the toaster to mind his own business, that frankly having to deal with Doctor Phil trying to bust you out of rehab is as close as any of us ever wants to get to the apocalypse. That one of the authors of the "Left Behind" rapture books thought about adding the exact same scene in a chapter of his book, but it was deemed too frightening by his publishers. "I can imagine the unending torment of a lake pit of fire in hell," I tell the toaster, "but I can't imagine the pain of having to listen to 15 straight minutes of Dr. Phil's southern bullshit."

Larry King blogs every Thursday night at 6 P.M., when he's not too drunk he posts. Visit Larry King Blogs here and be his best friend forever on the MySpace. 776 Laotian Mini-Wives crave Larry's cock and don't know why.

Larry King Blogs on his Birthday

I never take a day off from. No matter what. Even on my birthday. Some people think I am the hardest working man in show biz, but they are wrong. That distinction belongs to James Brown's "fiance" who appeared for more than a month straight on my CNN talk show.

I've got way to many distractions to devote my life soley to Journalism. I keep very busy giving the "sex" to many of my Laotian mini-wives over at my Turkey Baster Impregnation Farm in Peru. Not to mention all my heart attacks and field trips with Tom Cruise to his Scientology's anti-psychiatry museum.

For the first time in my life I almost met a man with double the size of my own megalomania. Of course I am talking about Katie Holmes, not Tom. We all know Tom loves the Trannies. And we all know how Katie (Kate) Holmes' vagina has been surgically altered to look even more like the gigantic penis that Tom craves it to be.

As much as I disapprove of the museum I must say that it is one hell of a ride. I give it Four Stars. I am going to have to go back again and again.

Larry King blogs every Thursday night at 6 P.M., when he's not too drunk he posts. Visit Larry King Blogs here and be my best friend forever on the MySpace.

538 Loatian Mini-Wives crave Larry's cock and don't know why.

In the dream where I save the world from Aliens the World throws me a bitching "after party" featuring my favorite band UFO

I've been having this dream for as long as I can remember. One day I will write a screenplay and dramatizes it for you. Wait in line for the tickets because I will also direct the movie. It will be 3 times cooler than Independence Day.

THE ALIENS

They form a galactic democracy of intelligent species. Their mission is just like Star Trek's enterprise. They seek out new life, but once they find it they judge whether the life forms they have found are dangerous.

After witnessing planet Earth's history for the past few thousand years they pass sentence.

BAD NEWS

We're guilty and they plan on blowing the planet up.

GOOD NEWS

We get a trial to determine our final status. We even get appointed a "galaxy public defender" and a representative from Earth to defend our home.

The dream then goes into detail about the guidelines for choosing the representative and a host of other rules the rest of the accused people must obey in "prepping" the "choice."

MORE GOOD NEWS

I am chosen as the individual to defend the human race against charges that we are a violent and dangerous race that should just be destroyed before we acquire the capacity to inflict our evil ways on other worlds.

THE REALLY BAD NEWS

This is not the first trial of this sort. The accused have been found guilty 29,347 times in row. We are scheduled for demolition in 2859.

HOW I SAVE THE WORLD SCENES STYLIZED LIKE THE MOVIE- A FEW GOOD MEN

I enter the first ever guilty plea to the sentence. There are lots of scenes with my "host" public defender. We argue over my strategy. She says I am signing mankind's death warrant.

"Mankind" is her word. You would think aliens would be a little more politically correct.

Earth's public defender is like a totally hot human female-the easier for me to interact with. She eventually admits to being a synthetic human from the future.

You would think that future girl robots would subscribe to some kind of "girl power" ideology, but she doesn't.

FLASHBACKS THAT GET CUT INTO SCENES OF ME BICKERING WITH HOT ROBOTIC FUTURE GIRL

CNN's Larry King and various famous people evaluate my strategies like a really important Superbowl halftime show. There are long boring pedantic lectures by world famous philosophers on my tactics.

Other scenes flesh out the requirements for being selected as the "choice." The individual must not be too abnormal. Can't be a Mother Teresa type or a Steven Hawking IQ dude.

The choice must denote and be in touch with humanity. A decent level of verbal and written communication is necessary to build your case. A mixture of good and bad that "fight for his soul" is helpful.

CLIMAX

We win the argument by admitting to our potential for evil. But we promise to work on it. We get a reprieve.

THE Bitchinest AFTER PARTY of ALL TIME

I peg UFO to front the musical celebration. The sell hundreds of millions of records. I hang out with them on stage and even KAROKE a few songs. The bootleg CD's of my performance stay at number 1 on the Billboard charts for 10 years.

People like me.

Orange you glad you are not my friend in real life? Or how you should never add Larry King as your MySpace pal.

Here's the part where I pretend that I am not just visiting this site to take a look at all the playmate babes displayed so classily all through out your background.

No I am really here just to say "Hi." Sure there are all kinds of ways to say "Hi." But dropping down a few lines on someones myspace says I care. I really care.

Sow how you doing? How's that novel coming along? Got any funny characters yet?

Also if your site doesn't have any playmate characters all over it, maybe it has ponies. Do you like ponies? Because I don't.

I would also prefer you didn't go looking around my other myspace friends and look to find which ones I gave the exact same post to.
Because we are real friends and any amount of time I devote to any of my other friends doesn't mean a thing. You know that don't you.

So how is that House coming? Is it getting all fancy? Have you settled in. Did you remember to leave a door open so I could get in and hide in the basement? Did you remember to delete all those love e-mails you keep sending me so your "hubby" won't find 'em?

That's a good girl.

Did you really think I could forget you? Maybe you could post a few more photos on your myspace.

I miss seeing you how you really are. Flash frozen and digitized. You're so less "back talky" this way too!

I still consider us friends even though somehow you have misplaced me on your "BFF" list. It totally did not bring me back to some high school era of insecurity.

I know our friendship is long lasting, I am in your will. But other people are starting to wonder. Why don't we just ease their minds and put me back in your list.

Otherwise, I mean who knows what I am capable of. Nothing really bad, I won't go after your kids. I realize you need the child support money for your "medicine."

Momma needs her medicine.

We might be brothers. We might see each other every day. But I still feel the need to "connect with you."

Maybe it is because I don't like being homeless. That's what our other brother enjoys. But he's hobo sheik like that. Me I just prefer to get on your good side.

How's that novel coming anyways? Is it going anywhere? Any conflict resolution yet?

Sorry about making that crack about you being a hobo. I know you're not a hobo. I just said that cuz your brother would think it's funny.

You're not gonna stop introducing me to all those crack whores you know are you? I need to get laid. It's been a while now. But I think that you know that, don't you. Don't hold out on me buddy.

I could have just given the same post to you. I know we aren't MySpace friends yet, but I do come over to your house for a little "poker." And I am not just talking about card games am I?

Is it inappropriate for me to make jokes about your "milfish" wife? Then I guess the other things I do to her are even more inappropriate aren't they?

Go ahead add me.

Larry King Strikes Back.

Hey Folks,

I know this is just my second post since joining this illustrious blog. But things back at the old Loatian Mini Wife Turkey-baster breeding farm have been busy.

What events could have aroused me from my slumber? A Hollywood Tragedy. No less a personage than Anna Nicole Smith's son has died and now some in the media want to blame her for it.

From the reports, I hear she attempted to give him mouth to mouth. I can't imagine a dead person not getting aroused by that. I am pretty sure I just solved this case. Just go arrest Howard K. Stern and leave my octogenarian loving playmate alone. I may need a 10th wife soon.

526 Laotian Mini-Wives were bored by this post.

Larry King blogs every Thursday night at 6 P.M., when he's not too drunk he posts.

Larry King Likes Lucky Charms!

It's my first post as a recurring writer of "the Bathos" and already I've made a leprechaun joke.

I have Jennifer Aniston's name tattooed on the back of my ass. Not because I tagged it, but because that's just how I roll. It's like whenever one of my Laotian Mini Wives is butt-fucking me from behind with a strap on dildo it reminds her exactly where she stands in the pecking order. Probably around # 169.

I am sure that you all want to know what have I been up to. Well, I have been secluded away at my Laotian Mini Wife Turkey-baster breeding farm. Inquire with an e-mail for franchising rights.

Many of you know me from my former blog -Larry King Blogs-. No thanks to Al-Qaeda that blog was shut down. 16 posts and 213 page views later and all I can get is the guest host shot?

So a more than just a few of you will recall my motto "My style?--Think Kyra Sedgwick in the Closer, but tuffer!" But just the other day I watched something which has got me worried about Kyra. It's her husband. They made a movie together called the Woodsman. In it the "openly" married man potrays a pedophile. Kyra inexplicably falls for this guy who thinks a good time is found conversing about Rainbow Bright with 11 year old's. Jeepers.

Lately I have been coughing up a lot of mucus, though when you turn 72 you don't exactly cough up mucus anymore, you cough up lung cancer.

474 Laotian Mini Wives were pissed off at this post.

Larry King blogs every thursday night at 6, when he's not too drunk he posts.

Larry King is Dead!

Well his blog that is. Many people have e-mailed or called or otherwise have voiced their consternation over this fact. Good news, Larry will join Bathos and continue to bloviate when inspired!

And now a very personal message to all my fans...um ...fan

"Sorry folks I have been busy fucking more bitches than most of you can view on the dial-up (internets) -porn."

Larry.

Larry King Blog!

He's just getting started "I am pretty new at this , so I hope you bear with me, but eventually this will all be blog-o-matic! (lookey there , coined a new word on my first post!!)"

Larry has an impressive resume including "co-chairing a seminar entitled "Old, Ugly Geezers Who Impregnate Young Women." He absolutely loves John Grisham, and is heavily into suspenders and its affiliated porn fetish.

Larry's Blog is Here

What I needed was a guest blogger, like Larry King.

I have to write this post on my birthday because unlike Larry King I don't have "a staff of hundreds of people who worked so hard to turn this out every day."

That's a direct quote and if you know Larry's column you may find it incredible that literally hundreds of people help him turn out his riffs on "Crest Dental floss with Easy Glide technology."

Larry loved it "This stuff really works," he remarks "gets between your teeth and everything." Wow! Thanks for the tip, Larry.

Larry stopped writing on September 23, 2001. The one good thing the terrorists did.

I am sure he isn't too busy to chip in a few lines about the movie Jarhead or the tragic consequences of teen boys kissing their peanut allergic girlfriends after eating a Peter Pan peanut butter sandwich.

"Don't do it she might die."

Maybe we should use that Crest floss thingy first, right Larry?

I had a guest blogger before, but it didn't work out. Foxxylove couldn't figure out the minimally simple task of instructions required in order to join my team, so she started her own blog...and the good folks at the fantasy blog evaluator blogshares have her angry black rants as more highly valued than my own misanthropic ones. Go figure.

Go on Larry it's my birthday.


Romius turns 35 today which means he will soon need to buy some Loreal for Men facial line smoother or at least some botox soon. But Rom, your worth it buddy , your worth it. I had less hair, but 3 more wives than Rommy did at 35. You can play ketchup, but you never will. Your a mustard man.

Any of you know how ol' Rommie got his computer "hacker" nickname? It came from his tenth grade computer class, where he wrote basic text programs introducing the world for the first time to the Satan Fellowship.

10? "Hi, welcome to the Satan Fellowship. Press 1 to give me your soul. Press 2 to give your soul to god."

A fucking laugh riot, thanks to Mr. Rafter. I know you eventually caught on, and required Zues III and Rom to provide an algorythm before allowing them on the computer to program, but it never really stopped them did it. And now look at him. He's and internet programming god with some of the best and most orginal work on the net.

Happy B-day Big Guy!!

News for Black people and the people that may or may not like black people.

George Bush don't like black people. P. Didddy doesn't either, how else can you explain his desire to give a million dollars worth of his clothes away? Wow I wonder how there is a million dollars worth of his stuff just lying around Big and Tall shops ready to cloth the naked. Haven't the poeple of N.O. suffered enuff?

Not that George has done much for poor white folk either. This is not the first time that hurricane relief has taken so long under our dear leader. According to the Daily Howler:

For three days after Hurricane Andrew, the “federal cavalry” didn’t appear. Murphy described extensive looting of private homes as south Floridians fought for their lives. On Day 4, the feds finally showed.

Then again some black people don't know there are poor people in the Big Easy. And her name isn't Bill Cosby. She just runs Atlanta's biggest newspaper. In her defense there are no poor blacks in Atlanta, just overpaid quaterbacks.

In only took one day for Sherriff Joe's posse to turn New Orleans into Tent City. They've already shot at a guy with a bean bag.

Cops suck.

500 in New Orleans have bailed and the rest are looting:

"Some officers joined in taking whatever they could, including one New Orleans cop who loaded a shopping cart with a compact computer and a 27-inch flat screen television."

Calling David Duke a Racist just doesn't do justice to the kind of racist he is. Here's a sample of his headline writing:

New Orleans descends into Africa-like Savagery
Roving gangs of African-Americans raid nursing homes for the elderly and even children’s
Whites in New Orleans are Facing Rape and murder at the Hands of Black Mobs
Mass Racial Attacks Against Whites in New Orleans
What about the Human Rights of Whites?

If you visit his website, and don't have a tatoo of the coming race wars don't say I didn't warn you. (NSFBF) Not Safe FOr Black Folk

Got a call from Larry King he wants his copyrighted "journalistic style" back.

I am all out of sunflower seeds.

I have been thinking way too much about my pooh lately. I've been considerin documenting "my gifts" to the porcelain god.

My roommate has a webcam I could borrow. Then I would use those pictures to compare and contrast the color, consistency, size, and shape.

I have Mary Lou Henner to blame for my unwanted preoccupation with my bowels and it's byproducts. I caught her on television a couple of years ago while watching Larry King. She talked about how she would weigh her little poops and watch to see if they sank down or floated.

Ostensibly, shite can tell you a lot about your health. Floaters are not healthy, it means you need more fiber. And since I am a hypochondriac with no health insurance I could find no better methodology of discovering my health and constitution than by 'poop watching.'

Curiously, prior to my introduction to Ms. Henner's poop philosophy I had no idea that I went 'once a day' on a fairly regular basis.