Friday, January 25, 2008

I give you something that none of you, but the Drug Monkey, have ever given me. Money. Don't you like me better now?

First I tell you the story of how I was married.

I was married a few years ago. If you gueesed that I wasn't married very long, you'd be right. I think it was for like 8 or 9 months. Just long enough time for all my friends to grumble about giving me a wedding present. But not long enough for me to feel bad about not giving my presents back. Not that I could have given them back if I wanted too, since the Mexican wife took them with her after she left.

At the age of 15 Mexican fathers must stop molesting their daughters and then allow them to get married. It's the law.

I like to think of myself as a champion of interracial marriage because I bang a lot of Latinas. I used to think I had some kind of strange power over Mexican women. And not just because I convinced a Mexican to marry me. I can't go to Circle K without some chubby Hispanic girl giving me the eyes. I thought Mexicans just loved white people. I figured any Mexican who ran across the border probably identified more with her Spanish heritage than her indigenous side. I was wrong.

Turns out Mexicans just dig me because I am short. 5 foot 8 for a white guy is pathetic, but deep in the Mexican jungle, I am god-like. White alabaster skin and I block out the sun with my height. I think jungle natives make a sacrifice of 2 teen virgins a week to me. It's not that strange that Mexican women love me I guess. They figure a midget like them can't get with a talll white guy, and they know don't want to settle for a short mexican man since they jumped the fence . And while I might be short compared to your boyfriend, I am the Kareen Abdul-Jabbar of Mexico. Any cute Mexican girl worth her margarita salt is not going to pass up an oppurtunity like that.

My Mexican ex-wife liked to complain about how I was always on the Internet. She hated how I was always rating hot chicks on, Am I hot or not, or blogging for you fools. She did not see my time on the Internet blogging as any kind of career move for me. I'm sure she'd change her mind if she'd heard how after I placed my donate button on this blog I'd been able to earn a cool total of $3.63. All thanks to this nifty little post. With that kind of money I could put her in that nice trailer I was always threatening to move her into. In spite of the many faults that my ex-wife discovered in me, I am nothing if not loyal to my friends. And you Internet creeps are my only friends. So I've decided to let you in on a little money making secret that discovered.

I let you in on the Internet making money scheme I know about for free.

I was afraid of getting married. I had no less than 3 panic attacks before the big day. After we got married I had a heart attack. Well at least that's what I am calling it. You didn't look at my chart, so what would you know? All I know is the whole mess cost my insurance company 10, 000 dollars so there must have been something to it.

Before we got married the wifey would ask me daily when we were going to "be legit?" I tried ignoring her questions, but soon she was asking it 5 or 6 times and hour. It got to the point that I hated going to the mall with her, because she would always drag me to some jeweler to take a look at the engagement rings. The salesman would ask when the big day was and she'd become indignant, "He hasn't even asked me yet!" She'd scream at him, like it was his fault.Well eventually she found a ring she like and she told me that she really wanted to get the ring. I said sure and she said, "But you haven't even asked me yet."

So that's how she got asked, in the middle of some mall quietly so as not to alert the salespeople to our little indiscretion. We had to put the ring on her credit because mine is ..well it's about what you'd think it is. Craptastic. And she told me that the payments would come out of my paycheck. And they did. To the total of something like 2500.00 dollars. I'd like to think I had the least romantic marriage proposal in history, but I think we should all ask Card Shark to tell his story sometime. It's frigging hilarious.

I know what you are thinking. All this backstory and you still haven't mentioned how you are going to make me some money. If in the last 14 year like me you were somehow convinced to buy a sharpened piece of compressed carbon for one of your significant others you can get a rebate on the purchase price.

Seems the evil guys over at De Beers got caught in some corporate misdeeds and settled a lawsuit for 275 million dollars. Now that's not what I'd just call corporate malfeasance, I think I'm gonna have to call shenanigans on that. Actually, evil-shenanigans. Because my shenanigans are just cheeky and fun.

Go here to collect your money. You only have a few months as the deadline is May 18, 2008.

And after you collect your check think about your old friend Romius t. and how he doesn't have a lap top computer to call his own. Think of how he pines away at all the cool and totally "legit" part time bloggers at Starbucks, sipping lattes, posting blogs, and pretending to write that screenplay. And maybe, just maybe you think you can enjoy all the stuff you'll buy with that big shiny check without sending a tithing or two my way.
I dare ya.


1 comment:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'll have you know I am not a fool. I'm a moron, thank you very much.