Thursday, April 15, 2010

I need to stop reading your personal ads

If I read how one more person likes to watch movies and enjoys listening to music I am going to puke on myself.  Then I am going to make you eat it off my stomach,  because that's how I roll.

I roll with a giant plastic tarp attached to my truck that I lie out before you, all the while forcing down your throat the puked out residue of my intestines, all because I get sick of reading the same banal shit about how you enjoy doing things that are awesome, but hate doing things that suck.

Other things that make me want to decapitate you?  When you talk about how you are interested in being challenged, and how you need a man with goals.  I don't have any goals.  I think goals are stupid.  What happens if you get all your goals before you are dead.  Do you just sit there for the rest of your life wishing you had sucked at the lower levels of life more?

Life is not a video game.

If I have to read one more personal ad about how you want to "grow" I will be forced to grind your decapitated head into hamburger meat and feed it to your now orphaned children.

Grow what?  The only thing I have noticed growing is your ass.  And now it has gotten way too big for either of us to know what to do about it.

The only thing I can think of for you is to for you to continue your junior college study of Oprah on the Lifetime network and for me to start dating your teenage daughter.  At least she puts out on the first date.


An exasperated man.

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