I'm not myself today

I'm not myself today
which is why I sent those drunk
Christmas cards out

I swallow buckets of
energy pills
disguised
as
caffeinated mints

people must think my breath stinks
which it probably does

Brushing the teeth is
a crime. I hope all you bourgeoisie do it.
I'm gonna let 16 year old's hug me all day at work let them squeeeze me
i feel their tiny tits
their little nubs and hard nipples
but i don't get excited

I write you perverse limericks
and I take the bus
to a psychiatrist who promises to let me drive again

If I can just give him a hundred and 20 dollars

"do you have any openings?" I ask the receptionist
and just for me -
she finds an opening

we know how you DUI guys want to get your license back

"can you come tomorrow?" she asks.
How about 12:30 or 1:30 or 2:30 or 3:30
Scott has to leave by 5 today
but normally we are open till 7

"You seem so busy" I remark
but she takes no offense
and writes my name down in her book

I plan my trip on google maps
and i'm warned the bus will cost me $3.75
Like i don't no anything about all day bus passes
what sucker ?? pays 3.75 ??
when he can get the all day pass for
3.50?

i know they try and keep a good man down,
so what will they do with me? but i'll pay the shrink
and then i'll lie
And promise not to drink again

but the first day
i get back behind the wheel
i'll run your ass over
chugging a bottle
of wild turkey down

tossing empty bottles
at homeless bums
and bike riders
and walkers
all the scum who can't drive

cuz there ain't nothin'
worse than
walking the streets
in this flat city