Thursday, April 24, 2008

I am nice and if you don't believe me I will punch you in the face (metaphorically) because that's what writers do

I know you wonder why I never write anything nice about women. I know I am not a writer just a blogger, but you get what I mean because for some reason you actually read this blog, and you can't blame me for that, you have only yourself to blame, and whatever happened to you in your childhood.

You probably read all my jokes about fat chicks and assume I am either the misogynistic asshole I hold myself out to be, or you assume that I a jokester and all my jokes can be wrapped up in the tin foil of chub.

I have to admit that writing jokes about fat chicks is easy and I like taking the easy way out most times, but so do you. That's why you don't call your mom except maybe on Mother's Day and then you make a big thing about how you remembered her special day and sent her flowers and bought her a copy of Funny Girl, because what doesn't brighten Mom's special day like a Barbara Streisand movie?

I know your mom appreciated you sending her the flowers and she will will probably wear out the VHS in the tape you bought her. Personally I think it is about time your mom went digital. You can get a cheap DVD player for 20 bucks at Walmart.

I wrote this post to show off my sensitive side and I realize that I am not doing a great job of that but being sensitive is risky and tuff and I don't know that any of you have earned me divulging things like that to you. Even if you did I can't say that I would have done a better job of it than this and you are just going to have to accept that. The good thing is only 10 people read this blog and only 3 people listen to the podcast I work on so I won't be disappointing too many folks out there.

Disappointment is one of those things you have to learn to live with as you get older as you realize all your dreams don't come true and god in whatever infinite wisdom he claims to posses doesn't think the world revolves around you even though he gave you a momma who told you it did and he gave you the vanity to seek it out. I'm sure you momma didn't mean to lie to you, but the really cruel part of it all is that god blessed you with just enough talent to recognize how talentless you really are.

I know you may be devoid of any real talent but that never stopped a lot of people ask Rachael Hunter. Have you ever seen any of Rachael Hunter's movies? She can't act and she can't pick a script or a director and she isn't even pretty anymore, but she sure as fuck isn't going upstairs just to sit in an infant nursing rocking chair and cry about it all the while trying not to listen to the sound of her husband's rock star persona dissolve like the fake smoke plumes from a miniature train set.

No. She went up and stairs and divorced Rod Stewart and now she fucks her boy toy on the beach. All Rod Stewart does is make all those boring Christmas Albums you love so much and play with his gold plated choo choo train.

I am not sure how to make that a really happy ending for you as Rachael Hunter will continue to make those god awful made for TV movies for the E-Network. But one day God will judge her for that, and he will get his sweet revenge. I can't wait for that day, and I hope I get to heaven just so I can watch him enact it.

Me? I don't really see happy endings, but then again I am not paid to write happy endings. I am not paid to write this. There is no such thing as rainbow brite. There is no such thing as happiness. I don't like telling you that because I stay unhappy as a protest until we all get to be happy, because that is me being sensitive to your feelings, but I guess I just don't like it when you all go being happy even though that was our agreement for you to be happy.

But don't try to be happy. It's like trying to be interesting. Some of you do interesting things. It doesn't make you interesting. It just means you might be aware (unconsciously) that you are boring. I know this because some of the most interesting people do nothing all day and some of the shiniest people doing the busiest things make me want to vomit on their couch and tell them that their Labrador did it. I know the next day the Labrador won't get fed, because you plan on taking him for a ride with you in the car to the park, and you don't like throw up on your Saab's interior, but that Labrador is old and fat and could stand to miss an meal. And, yes, this means I will write fat dog jokes if you don't like me writing fat girl jokes.


Anonymous said...

That's it. I'm convinced. You really are a sensitive pony tail guy. Phew! I'd hate to think that you really mean what you say.....

How's it going with the mail order bride?

Romius T. said...

i plan on ordering a laotian mini wife from larry king, she is in the mail i think!