Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The one about the personal ad

So I wrote this devastatingly funny personal ad that I was going to post over at craigslist. Just to gauge things. I am always trying to gauge things. Figure them out. See where I am. I wouldn't need to do this, but my internet girlfriend doesn't take me serious. Why would she? I am not serious. There is nothing serious about me.


I am driving the truck. I am driving an 18 year old girl home from work. We are talking. We talk about how I need to get the truck washed.

"A bird took a crap on my window." I tell her. Then I point to the bird crap. I point to the white stains on my driver's side window.

There is a slight pause in the conversation. Like some one is taking time to think. The 18 year old offers up a proposal. "I'll wash your car for 20 dollars."

I have no idea why this 18 year old thinks I want her to wash my car for 20 dollars. I can wash the car at the automatic car washer for 5 dollars. They even throw in a free vacuum. I just bought a new towel to dry the truck off after it gets washed.

The automatic car washer does a good job with everything except drying. It does not dry the truck completely. That's why I bought the car drying towel. Plus that and it was on clearance at work. I paid 2 dollars for it. The towel is is blue and sticky. It is made out of some kind of strange material from the future. The girl had to move the towel out of the way to sit in the passenger seat. That in and of itself should have been enough of a warning not to suggest such an outrageous fee for washing my car. Clearly I am the kind of guy who can do a bit of manual labor.

"Who would pay 20 bucks to have some kid wash the truck for them?"

"The only way I am going to pay 20 dollars for a car wash is if I get two girls in bikinis to wash the car."

Another pause. Another proposal.

"I could get candy to wash the car with kimmie."

Those are fake names. Those names are so fake that I am sure they have destroyed whatever ability you previously had to suspend disbelief in this story. I want you to know that I know that. That I know how terrible those fake names are. I want apologize for the fake names, for such bad and terrible fake names. I am sorry that I couldn't even think of anything remotely believable.

I tell the 18 year old that she should get the two girls from work that are pregnant to wash the truck. That would be hot. Preggo Car Washers. They should start a business.

"Oh no...my water just broke!" The 18 year old makes a joke.

"They could wash the car with that." I tell the 18 year old.

"You shouldn't say that." The 18 year old says. She objects to my joke. She thinks you should just keep that thought to yourself. "You can't say that out-loud." She chastises me. She knows it is natural to have the thought. She says that she thought the same thing, she just thinks you can't say that kind of thing out loud.

"Oh, no." I tell her. "You have to say that kind of thing out loud."


Instead of posting the personal ad, I sent the e-mail to an online profile I picked at random. Again. Just to gauge things. Just to see if it was funny. If it was interesting. If it was good.

What am I doing? I feel guilty. I shouldn't have sent the e-mail.

I have no idea if I should feel guilty. Me and the internet girlfriend are not "going out." We are not in a relationship. I mean sure. I did buy her a diamond ring. A huge diamond ring. Maybe 100 carrots. And we will get married one day. Assuming she is foolish enough to say yes. Foolish enough to move to Arizona.

The message I sent was not really the personal ad that I was going to write. I ended up sending some (sorta) funny thing that was ignored by the recipient.

The original piece was really more like a blog post. I had it all planned out, but I had to go to work. So I lost it. It was good too. One of the best things I have ever written. As funny as anything on Craigslist that gets posted over at Fark.com. It was so damn good it might have gotten me laid.

I do remember at one point near the end I go into some tangential point about how I am sick of the "weariness" of women on craigslist.

All the women on Craigslist are weary. They are tired. They are looking for something that they can never get. A good man.

I remember thinking that I should write a "weary" post too. I am so tired of hearing how weary you are that I would prefer to have a man with the Ebola virus vomit all over me. In the post I was to write I make a descriptive comment about his yellow teeth. I have fucked up the remembrance of this thought.

It was shocking and came out of nowhere. Just this vile description of the Ebola virus. How the weariness of craigslist women bothers me like the infection from an ingrown toe nail. Yellow and full of puss. Trickles of blood.

The man's face is melting. He is puking in my lap. I see his yellow teeth. I see the steaming hot puke pile on my lap. It collects in my trousers. It soaks through to my skin. I feel wet. I am bathed in the virus. I am drenched in puke.

The lesson here for women on Craigslist is that they need not be weary.

The other lesson is that puke is not much of a turn on.

The final lesson is that some people may insist that your efforts to find new readers by posting blogs faking as personal ads seem to them like a breach of trust. Even if it is not.


Pain said...

Pregnant women using surfactant and water and applying these to the canopies of internal combustion conveyances on Terra is very hot.

素人 said...


友達募集中 said...

少し魅惑な自分をネットだから公開してみました。普段言えない事など、思い切って告白しているプロフなので興味ある方はぜひ除いてみてください連絡待ってまぁす。 hinyaaaaa@docomo.ne.jp