Monday, February 21, 2005

My life has become a Sienfeld Episode!

Earlier today my two dorkiest friends came over needing me to solve an urgent dilemma for them. It appears that they both had written a song and wanted me to judge which was better. One of my friends likes country and the other liked Rap. Both equally felt it was be easy to write a song from the others genre and set out to prove their point. Now it's up to the readers of this blog to determine the truth.

Here is the first song:


Suckers, bow down! Gonna indicate, vindicate and orchestrate
My room full o hos and bitches, my home town crew, and my switches,
My fly G-ride, my boys East Side.
Gonna indicate we don't perpetrate.
We a organized motherfuckin syndicate!

You a punk, bitch!
And you never be free
As long as you wanna be
Just like me!

Your fuckin balls ascend when we descend
Coz you can't comprehend the Men among men.
You try to hide your hos coz you know they goes
Where the green grass grows and the bass beat flows
Their thongs get moist when I roll up in my Royce
And they know their choice, when they hear my voice.

You a punk, bitch!
And you never be free
As long as you wanna be
Just like me!

Harlem girl, my Puerto Rican Haitian,
I'm da pimp of da Nation, accepting applications
Gonna make you my whore, don't care if you're poor
Gotta settle the score, make you beg for more
Gonna take you on adventures, don't care bout yo dentures
Coz you sweet. You a treat. And you don't need no teef to eat my meat.

You a punk, bitch!
And you never be free
As long as you wanna be
Just like me!

You try to break it down with your broken down sound
Singin like a clown, frontin downtown
But your girls they lie as they roll Eastside
After leavin your side, they jockin my fly
They lick my ass after taking your cash
Then I pimp their ass , and I make mo stash.

You a punk, bitch!
And you never be free
As long as you wanna be
Just like me!

You a punk, bitch!
And you never be free
As long as you wanna be
Just like me!

Included for observation was fake liner notes as well!

Liner Notes

This polemic lauds the glories of JC's notorious East Side Crew (also known as the Notorious ESC) Cleverly putting all perpetrators and fronters in their respective places, JCs first rap song employs many classic themes common to the rap genre. JC's touts the proficiencies and virility of himself and his East Side Crew, while simultaneously demeaning the masculinity and sincerity of his rivals.

But make no mistake. This song is also about love, as is tenderly shown in the song's bridge. J.C., rapping to an unknown Puerto Rican Haitian breaks down his desire to take her on untold adventures and shows his willingness to look past her dental deficiencies. The mystery surrounding the identity of the object of JC's affection is reminiscent of the restrained enigmatic tension evoked by a casual gazing upon the Mona Lisa.

Now here is the second song.

Don’t Fight a Midget at the Rodeo Nights

Feeling good on my way to Ro-de-o Nights
Wearin’ my cowboy boots and Wrangler’s so tight
Lookin’ for a cowgirl to take home with me tonight
Just a regular night on the town

Spotted the cutie as I walked in the door
I signaled to her meet me on the dance floor
And as we two-stepped I knew I was gonna score
Until a midget tapped me on my knee and said . . .

‘Scuse me partner, you’re dancing with my wife
Yeah, I’m a midget, but I know how to fight
Lets you and me take this party outside
Fightin’ a midget at the Rodeo Nights

I laughed and laughed as I looked way down
But with one chop he had me on the ground
I was in shock, but as I tried to turn around
He was draggin’ me outside of the bar

He punched my gut and kicked some dirt in my eye
I guess I shouldn’t have laughed at this little guy
Was so embarrassed that I wanted to cry
But I choked by my tears and said . . .

‘Scuse me shorty, didn’t know she was your wife
Yeah you’re a midget, but I don’t wanna fight
Lets you and me shake hands and call it a night
Fightin’ a midget at the Rodeo Nights

He said “Put your dukes up or are you too scared?”
I said “With your size it just wouldn’t be fair.”
He swiped at my legs and my feet went in the air
A crowd gathered and they started to cheer.

I couldn’t get up, couldn’t open my eyes
He said “Next time pick on someone your own size.”
If you’re at Rodeo Nights it wouldn’t be wise
To go two-steppin’ with that midget’s wife.

When you see a little partner with his tall blonde wife
Yeah, he’s a midget but he puts up a good fight
I would suggest to you to run for your life
Don’t fight a midget at the Rodeo Nights
Don’t fight a midget at the Rodeo Nights!!!

Now here comes the liner notes:

“Don’t Fight a Midget at the Rodeo Nights” is mo’ than a whack ass country song. It’s about juice, respect,, lovin your bitch so much that you’d fight for her, and of course, MIDGETS!!!

What had happened was, this white dude (he’s clearly white b/c he’s wearin Wranglers, yo) was lookin for some trim at this spot called Rodeo Nights. When he finally peeps a chickenhead to bang (skeet skeet), he finds out that honeydip is wifed up by a shorty on the for real. Word! Her old man is a midget (or height challenged).

So, midget pulls white Wrangler dude aside to conversate about the mad disrespect he’s showin for him and his wifey. When Wrangler dude laughs, Midget wants to box, but Wrangler dude isn’t tryin to hear that. But midget punks his ass by takin dude out at the knee level. Then, midget tells Wrangler dude to scrap with someone his ouw size if he doesn’t want to get clowned again. The moral of the story is don’t reckless eyeball a midget’s old girl if you don’t wanna get your honkey ass beat like you stole some money. One!

Since Neither of my friends trusts my judgement maybe yall out in cyberland can judge for them!


Jezebelsriot said...

Well, being the lucky first person to offer my comments, I have to say that the second song had me at the title. I'm sorry, but when you employ poetic imagery that involves midgets, a rodeo AND you then explain about lovin' your bitch so much... Well, I'd be damn honored to have this crooned outside my bedroom window with the neighborhood dogs as back up vocals.

The rap song relied a little too heavily on cliches and common stereotypes, wait a minute. This is getting way too deep, they were both cliche and stereotyped.

So my ultimate vote goes to the country song for the always classic and appreciated employment of midgets. Well done.

Anonymous said...

i thought the rap song was wack and that my flow is triple then that i want to say to that rapper today hey homeboy thier is no way grab your pen and write something again and i will vote on your shit again