Friday, April 29, 2005

Is that the best you can do?

"Is that the best you can do?" The portly man inquired.

If by portly you mean fat. Huskiness came about as natural to this fellow as his insatiable curiosity. In his teen years he had been described as a lardo, but the adipose nature of his tissues now rarely broke through.

Now it preferred to nest to hibernate, until that stifling heat of late July burst it forth gusher-like from the buried recesses of his corpulence.

His inquiry came in the form of a piece of electronic mail*.

The youth of our period are known to prefer this manner of elocution over that found in the more fancied art of letters or the directness required for face to face conversation.

In earlier times, "the masses" devoid of the ability to place pen to thought, shunned to think. No Longer! With the introduction of the welfare state, public schools gave widespread literacy of the non-functional sort to millions.

The ink flows forth now in flowery absurdities and half truths such as:

"You have all day to sit around the house and think cosmicly** significant thoughts and this is what you come up with..."

And so in agreement with those three dots... perhaps here is a place to pause. So that I might recount the motivation offered by such obsequious offenders with sagacious advice.

Our disagreement began quite innocently enough after the inquirer read a bit of my memetic brilliance. A meme you are quite aware of...as The 30 things Men Need to Know About Women has become something of a required reading amongst those in the know.

I hardly need to tell you of its significance or its invasion into our culture, virus-like, living only by invading living brains, and lives the more, the more brains it invades.

But upon receiving the virus, my good friend, developed quite a sturdy bit of anti-biotic resistance* to said virus.

"I thought you were college material," he says. "but now . . ."

The key word is "was." Let's face it, I am a man of much former potential.

I can no more violate the Laws of Relativity than Quantum Physics can.* I can't take back tomorrow, score well on a SAT test, or even garner the sideways glance of a deliciously blonde co-ed any more than any other man in my position.

*With the acheivemnet of emoticons an expansive world of literary intentions entered the playground of the formerly pedestrian e-mail communication. :)

** I felt it unnecessary to point out that blogger comes with "spell check" and [cosmicly] is not a real word.

* Despite much protest by modern science.
I have been assured by millions that taking anti-biotics is the only way to relieve myself of the flu.

***

The author quite aware of the limitations found within his audience felt the need for the absurdly large amount of asterisks in order to attest to the cleverness inherent within the slings and arrows of his barbs.

1 comment:

Jezebelsriot said...

And young man... where are you hiding yourself these days? I knew my life felt just a tad inexplicably empty.