Once I saw this ridiculous post I knew I would have to reply.
http://phoenix.craigslist.org/m4w/70003170.html
It's fairly pussy, so I wrote my own.
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
The popover is always acceptable, (sometimes they are in their underwear..what a treat.) Sometimes they are fucking your cousin.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
Most guys cheat, so will you, so go ahead , most times you won't get caught. Even if you do get caught most girls will forgive you. Even if they don't forgive, you probably didn't like her anyways.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
Beware of every single male relative and all her guy friends, they all want to have sex with her, even the related ones.
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
Never miss an opportunity to tell them how fat their asses look, a girl with an eating disorder is much skinnier.
5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
Don't kiss in front of your friends.They will they laugh at you, and it's not because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
If they slap you hard, you deserved it. If you slapped them back, they deserved it.
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being touched in strange places by strange people.
8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
If you don't sleep with them, do tell your friends that you did. Guys like gossip too.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
Not all of them eat like birds, most of them do eat like whales. This is why they always want appetizer, salads and desserts.
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.. 11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
Most women don't mind paying for half of everything, but they will discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and HER friends will think you're a pussy.. .but your guy friends will know that your a pimp.
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
Every girl should eventually give three things to her boyfriend- a blow job , one of her panties, and a threesome. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
Go ahead and make sure she gets home safely, as often as you can , call her sister to pick her up.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him. But if he kicks your ass, she will sleep with him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. (Ask if her if she knows about rule 12. )
16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, if your gonna hit a women make sure she knows she has been hit.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
Make her go to a guy flick once in a while. Tell her it doesn't matter whether she enjoyed it or not, it just matters that she went. On second thought, make her pretend to enjoy it.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends, this is the best way to secretly break up with a woman.
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
Flirt with their moms...it's just freaky. It may just get you a threesome. ( See rule 12 . )
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding
Be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, but it really does make them feel like shit. Low self esteem is correlated with longevity in bad relationships ( you know the kind you want from her.)
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
Your not gonna like the way they drive , so you do it. Better, why are they going with you?
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Otherwise on the ride home you will end up smacking 'em for talking shit.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you. So stop trying to entertain them, think about yourself for a change.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
When they complain that fucking them in the pussy hurts, rub it their faces.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, so always win, they love the top dog.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
Women don't expect you to remember dates or anniversaries, so don't. You've got more important things , like the 1976 draft of the Cleveland Browns in your head for a reason.
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
Fuck trying to smell good. Men stink, tell her to get over it, or the dog did it.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
Always give cheap jewelry for presents and blame it on one of your uncles.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
If you think the relationship isn't going to last, wait to find out if it is, or wait until something better comes along. In the meantime fuck one of her sisters or her best friend.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most pimps would kill for that kind of power, use it or lose it.
(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the mother fuckin best tips you could ever get!)
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