Today's Poop Watch is green or brown. I really need to get better lighting in my bathroom. Also, "I was Raped" makes a great T-shirt idea.

I have a lot of theories. Most of you think I just make them up, but I don't. I read the science news and pay attention to the world, and then I incorporate what I learn into the heuristic structure you see before you posted on this blog. You should try it sometime. I realize women don't have the same access to deep logic and rationality that men have access to. That's because logic requires shutting down the primitive emotional brain.

Women are hard wired by evolution to be tapped into a more grounded universal and inclusive set of values that takes into account feelings and humanistic perspectives. It's what makes women better people than men, but lousy at being philosophers and scientists. [ed. note I can't find that article anymore]

Take today's lesson: Confusing sexual interest with friendliness

Men are easily confused by women. We confuse your friendliness with sexual interest for evolutionary reasons. We have no idea why you are talking to us. We can only assume that you are talking to us for the same reason that we are talking to you. Sex.

But if a man talks to you only about sex that doesn't make him a pig. We'd talk to you about other things, but you aren't very interested in the upcoming NFL draft. You don't give a shit that the Cowboys need help at the 3rd cornerback position. If you knew football you would point out that the 'boys have two of the best starters in the league. My reply to that is both of the men have suffered from injuries in the past and the Cowboys lost their 2 primary backups to free agency, but then your eyes would glaze over the way mine do when you bring up how cute fluffy-the-cat is for scratching your eyes out whenever he decides you have not been petting him enough.

Sex is the only thing most men have in common with women. Don't forget that ladies. I don't care how cute the guy in the hall way is, or how sweet and nice he seems while he talks to you. He is just thinking about how he wants to bang you, and how maybe you want to bang him, because you did not run away from him after he made eye contact with you.

Women confuse men in a variety of other ways, and sometimes they confuse themselves. It seems some women can't determine when they've been raped. I can't understand that. If I was raped I think I would know it. But not chicks. They are too complicated emotionally to give an easy answer to an easy question.

"Corrina says when she was raped years ago, she didn't even understand exactly what had happened. "

I guess that's why she invented a t-shirt. To remind herself that she'd been raped. I don't think wearing a t-shirt that says "I was raped" on top of some juicy boy shorts when you are headed out to the grocery store for some ice cream sends a good message to anyone. Especially little girls. But then again I am guy and I like sex.

Rape is one of those words women don't like men to use. We aren't supposed to talk about it. Except when we are apologizing for looking down your shirt into your ample cleavage. I am a liberal feminist when it comes to defining rape, unlike the Italian Supreme Court that says a women in tight jeans can't get raped, and unlike the almost elected official in England that said rape without "force" isn't really rape.

"Rape is simply sex (I am talking about 'husband-rape' here)... Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal…To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence.”

I guess like that guy I am just saying that if you like chocolate cake, jog around my apartment building, and wear one of those "I was raped" shirts and some cute boy shorts that say juicy on the ass. I will rent one of those windowless gray vans and follow you around. I want to tie your body up in green plastic garbage bags, and dump you into my closet over the weekend. Then I could splash ketchup on your arms and pretend to cut into your body and eat it. We could really get to know each other that way.

Raping and abducting young girls into vans ain't as easy as it used to be. I mean just check out these psycho cheerleaders courtesy of Fredrick Schwartz.