Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I don't know many White people, but the white people I do know sure do scare me

I am sure they scare you too. I am white so I don't really have much to worry about from them. If you look white then they pretty much leave you alone.

If you are person of color be happy for every day that goes by without a white person bothering you. But when you are white trash like me, you wonder why you don't have any white friends from the country club that can get you one of those high paying, do-nothing jobs you are always hearing colored people complain about.


What I am saying is that it sucks not knowing any of the right white people, because the right white people have all the money, and all the jobs. I decided to try and meet some of those white people on the Internet, and that's why I started this blog. Only all the white people I meet online are bigger freaks than me because you'd have to be a big ass freak or maybe a hipster to think anything I say is funny, and not mean, offensive and sick like it really is.

I found a site that gives the best advice about how to deal with white people. It's called Stuff White People Like. I looked up this site right after I discovered I was being cyber-stalked by a white chick who's friends enjoy cooking and eating her placenta. I hope I didn't just piss off my first, number 1 superfan, and even though I hate to admit it, I got a bit freaked out reading Frieda Bee. I still love F. B and I don't care if you eat your babies or you are into cannibalism because you can't help those kind of things. Your white people, and it's in your culture, and if there is one thing white people know, it's that you can't make fun of someone because of their culture.

I was warning my only other white friend, greensunflower, about how a lot of the white people next door to her could be closeted (or not so closeted) cannibalists, when she offered to Fed Ex me her placenta after she got pregnant. Sunflower told me that eating the placenta was quite common in other cultures, and if there is one thing we all know about white people, it's that they love borrowing strange cultural artifacts and traditions from crazy ethnic people, and adopting those traditions as some kind of 'alternative' yet also somehow more authentic culture than their own.

All my non-white friends find white-hipsters adopting their ancient ways to be a white cultural peculiarity that is particularly distressing to them. But once again, that's just non-white people not getting white people, and the things we care about, like my Netflix. I've got to admit that the first time I read that hipsters like Netflix on stuff white people like I got like real pissed off and shit, but then I realized that my love of NetFlix is just ironic, so it's cool again, or maybe not. I'm not really clear on this. But I am not as hip as I'd like to be, because I still think everybody wants to be a preppy and not a hipster. I have no idea why white people wear baggie pants past their ass. I thought that was a trick only black people and puerto ricans could pull off. Now I see all the greasy hipsters doing it and I am sure that I am supposed to want to do it too, but for the love of god I really don't.

I mean I am a slave to fashion as much as the next guy. I wore bell bottom pants when I thought they would never get back in fashion. And now I am slowly warming up to the idea of being turned on by women in skinny jeans and flats. When enough hot chicks start wearing something, I begin to associate all that hottness not with the chicks, but with the clothing style. And since I think 35% of all women are hot, you can bet I love me some skinny jeans. Go ahead and taper your jeans white girls and throw some of those creepy fug boots on, even though fug is out of style, so much so that I guess it just got back in style for people who love saying that they don't care about style by being the most stylish person they know.

I guess I just summed up why I hate hipsters in one long run on sentence. I'm not sure how this rant went away from me protecting colored people by explaining why white people scare me, to me hating on hipsters, but I never promised you any real helpful advice on anything, did I?

12 comments:

Freida Bee said...

Thank you for featuring me on your first podcast in such a flattering light and then tagging the post PEOPLE I HATE.

I see you like it rough.

(It's Hootie and the Blowfish and that's just cruel.)

Romius T. said...

ya for some reason I call them goldfish , i screwed the pooch on that one. You know I just hate the hipsters and not you. And frankly calling you a cannabalist on a site called misanthrope is about a big a compliment as you can get, you know that right???

Freida Bee said...

I, actually, want to thank you for the justification to give you holy hell from now until the end of your atheistic eternity. And, your back-alley threats do not scare me. Have you seen my breast plate?

I know you lust me because of my cannabalistic (I prefer omnivorous) past. No babies were harmed in my eating of a placenta, cooked to perfection with rosemary, other herbs and pretty garnishes. (I actually have a picture of it cooked up on a platter.)

Bloom said...

If before today my mental image of Romius T. wasn't a squirrely, unshaven born-again marching band tuba player with thick rimmed glasses, wearing a faded pac-man t-shirt and sitting in his tighty whities at his computer screen all day, it sure as shit is now that I heard your voice. If you want to get famous, you gotta do something about your delivery and diction, homey. Your attitude is good but it needs more confidence, and ease up on the arbitrary curses. You gotta have fans before you can curse 'em off. Otherwise, you've got my support. At the very least, I'll do my best to send some bitches your way. Unless they own a sports team, dorks don't get famous without hot chicks to make them look cool. Good luck!

-Bloom

This endorsement has been approved by the BloomNation

Romius T. said...

Well ,bloom, that was my first podcast, so naturally I am not confident in the delivery yet.

I think you maybe right about arbitrary cursing. I really don't need it. But not being pissed at my fans is a no can do. That's my thing.

One thing. I would never wear tighty whities. I wear only boxer briefs. I as never in the band. I played the violin. A civilized insturment.

I would appreciate any chicks you can throw my way. The delivery thing I am going for is henry rollins. I am not a pro radio guy, maybe you can help me with that.

Bloom said...

At least you take criticism well. And you've got fetus eating Freida. That's sort of hot.

By the way, if I was able to bear a child or I was Arnold Swartzeneger, and I had an abortion, could I offset my sins by eating the placenta or would I still be sentenced to eternity in hellfire? I'm not a well experienced theologian like our president but I'd sure like to add a new animal to my repertoire of land animal consumption. Does placenta count as woman or baby?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Holy shit. I never expected to hear your voice when I clicked on your blog. Sure I expected to hear your voice one day, like for instance the day after you snap and shoot up a Wendy's. I'm not sure what is funnier, the references to Freida Bee or the stuff about Greensunflowers, or the way you got all worked up at the end over Hootie and the clownfish. What I do know is I was fucking crying with laughter by the end of this podcast.

Freida Bee said...

Alright here. (Monkey, you're soaking in it.) What I love is how now I am fairly certain you have sealed the deal on my name being the number one hit for a search term regarding eating placentas.

Bloom, I was wondering as well, whether placenta is considered mother or baby.

Let's do a lil' google search here...

placentophagia (shit, it has a name and it's not pretty)

Here is a BBC article about it. It seems, Bloom, it is considered a part of the baby. I have also heard there are benefits to leaving it attached to the baby until it falls off. That can be a while. and sounds stinky. But hey.

I personally disagree with that doctor, not about the nutritional aspect, but about the hormonal one. I'm guessing the AMA does not recommend it and she would not have the interest in contradicting the AMA. Then we gotta get the FDA involved here and, aw shit, it's a mess.

Here's another site that has recipes and a little info. I used to apprentice with a midwife by the way. I don't really give a damn if you call me a baby eater, just keep your babies away from me, especially you , Romius.

I wish I had eaten the last one because my belly's not back to it's wonderful tautness as it was after my 3rd birth (when I did the deed.) The hormones help the uterus shrink back to place. (If I say it makes a woman hotter, you'll probably like it, huh?)

I am disgruntled to be in any same category with Tom Cruise, however. That bites about this whole thing more than anything else. And I wasn't a major hit on the topic. Thank gawd.

I wouldn't want my good pseudonym tarnished.

DCup said...

I guess I'll digg your ass since I already dig your ass.

In a manner of speaking.

The podcast works for you, Romius!

Romius T. said...

Bloom,

I am pretty sure Arnold and the rest of you will be sent to the hell fire and burn for eternity. When you get there ask to talk to freddy down at the Brimstone, he will hook you up!

I would say placenta counts as woman, but I think I have been overruled by the amazing research that Frieda bee has done! So placenta is baby and freida is a cannabal and now there is nothing I can do about that, so good luck with job hunting and that new babysitting service she was going to start.

DR. Von. Monkeystein,

I promise to live blog my shoot up of a WEndy's just for you!

Freida Bee

Amazing research and the part where you come up with how eating placenta gets the uterus back in shape is enough to convince me that all chicks need to eat it! I have a lactation and pregnancy fetish so I love when a girl gets knocked up but then gets right back into shape!

Please remember that just because i tag a posst or an item that the posts tags do not apply to everything in the post, you know I love freida bee I just hate hipsters and even though you might be a hipster I still love you because my racism against hipsters does not blind me to the fact that some hipsters are goood people and secretly of course I yearn to be accepted to the cool kids lunch table!

Thanks D cup I might add I-tuned just accepted me so you can now subscibe to me from there!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Fuck Bloom, you sounded great just the way you were.

Romius T. said...

YEAH!!

Thank you DR. V.