Wednesday, February 13, 2008

This Week in Netflix means I review movies that you were never going to watch in the first place and make jokes you can only get if u watch them

I love my pathetic fan girls. I just said I love you and I that was the first time in a few years that someone told you they love you, and the last time was probably your uncle right before he slipped a dirty fingernail into your asshole. Because you are one of my pathetic fans I like to keep you informed about the minutia of my life. Like what I am doing all day now that I am no longer a pro poker player. Mostly I just watch movies on the internets and play poker a little bit less. Last night I won 60 dollars, it should have been a lot more but I made a couple of obvious mistakes.

I tried making a "move" i.e. bluff on a tight player just because she was female and mexican and you know how I have "issues" with mexicans because I was once married to a mexican. I don't want to give you the false impression that I don't like hispanics, because I love peruvians and paraguayans. Just not the mexicans, well at least the female ones.

Only an asshole could think this is a picture of my mexican ex wife.

I'm going to give you some advice and it's going to be free because you can't afford to donate any money to me on paypal. All your money goes to porn, war of worldcraft, and to feeding your homeless cats even though those homeless cats won't live with you or snuggle with or even rub against you which is just a cat's way of having sex with you. I think it's kinda pathetic, but as you can see I have my own pathetic hobbies and those hobbies include seeing any and every movie ever made no matter how much it sucks. I have rated at least 500 movies on Netflix and the average of those ratings is 3.5

I know most movies aren't that good. Most movies are crap and the people who figured that out already drink bottles of wine, and wear nice slacks, and have girlfriends who only use quality hair product that cost more than my car payment.

I know most of this rant has nothing to do with me reviewing movies and the people who discover my blog via search engines get pissed when they read my blog, because my blog posts never have anything to do with the title, or the key word term is so far buried into the post that they get bored reading my shit like this asshole:

"Die. Seriously, your life is not worth it. This post talked about something totally unrelated to the title, then about 1/3 of the way in changed to the "real" post, which then rambled on about nothing before finishing inconclusively. I regret reading this post, it was a waste of my time when I could have been eating, sleeping, or reading anybody else's* posts, all of which are better than this."

I like the fact that the guy uses an asterisk to qualify his argument. I also think this guy has a point and I should probably die, and if it's any consolation to him I have not had a firm shit since I stopped eating all that yogurt with added fiber, because all I ever did on it is have amazing cramps and farts. I am pretty sure that weak shitting is a sign you are dying, and if I am wrong it's probably because I am not a doctor just a barely employed cashier who's last ten outings to play poker have payed off unlike my pal Card Shark. I can't remember the last time that guy won him some money playing poker, but if I know him he's probably told his girlfriend that he's won thousands of dollars, and is going to buy her a Porsche, and she can finally believe in love again.

I know that last crack is going to piss somebody off, but they should just understand that I only insult family, and those I love, or people I am really acquainted with, or whom I respect, or people I think could take it, but sometimes I just can't help myself and say things I know I shouldn't, but the other person shouldn't get mad either because he's a bit of a hard ass himself on people, and a sign of maturity is taking as good a you are giving, and I don't mean that in some kind of anal penetration pornographically veiled reference. I guess what I am really saying is that you should take it as a compliment, and not get all butt hurt, because if you want to get offended by something, get offended by the 10 million babies who will die trying to suck the last bit of tit juice out some poor refugee mommy with flies stuck in her eyes. At least your feet are warm and your microwave oven works.

If you'd like we can get to the part where I review movies in 10 seconds or less.

Secret Things I have yet to complete watching this film.

Protagonist Ditto.

The Bridesmaid *** (see review below.)

Grindhouse: Death Proof ***

I watched this movie in the theater with a friend. Card Shark thought it sucked and I liked it, but not as much as the critics who panned the other movie it was shown with in a double feature theatrical release, even though the other movie had a hooker with a machine gun in her leg. The description of this "released individually" movie says they added 30 minuted to this film but I can't tell where. The movie kinda dragged the first time I saw it. And it drags here as well.

I like the first act of the film better than the Zoe stunted car chase of the second act, but as usual I am alone in my opinions. There is a lot of chatty kathy talk in the beginning and for some reason which you probably can't guess I like that.

Grindhouse: Death Proof ***

As you can see I watched this movie in fits and starts and most of the time I just had it going on in the background to divert me from realizing how boring surfing the web is.

Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man

This movie gets 4.5 stars. Even though it basically tries to redeem Ralph Nader in the eyes of progressives who think he is a nutjob who cost Al Gore the election and is responsible for the Fascism of the Bush Administration. With all that going against him the movie made me like him again, but maybe I am just gullible like that.


I have not finished this movie and I am not sure I will finish it. Ok, I will but just for you, and to silence the strange obsessive compulsive disorder I have. My disease comes at me from weird places like: I can't stand reading the last word of the last line of a book until my eyes are done with the rest of the pages. If I even glance at the last page of a book before I am finished with it I will break into sweats.

This movie is the Lesbian Hard Candy. Rosario Dawson plays a college student in the movie. Which would be fine if she played a 30 something who went back to school, but she is supposed to be playing an 18 year old kid. That shit doesn't play. Neither does the "rape" scene which looks like every sex scene I've ever experienced. The girl pretends she isn't horny, and I pretend she isn't a mentally retarded 14 year old who moans when she eats mayonnaise.

The Bridesmaid

Surface: The Complete Series: Episode 1 (pilot) **** (That's 4 stars in case you don't get it.)

00:04:20 (That's the time stamp in case you don't get it.)

Netflix instant browse does this awesome thing where if you stop watching a movie and then play it at another time it starts up right where you left off. Which means if you ADD like me you will never get through a movie in one sitting again. But I say fuck directors in their holier than thou "watch my move the way it was meant to be seen" shit.

I thought this show was another sci-fi tv show that was on at the same time as the show I used to watch. Only that show was part x-files and part this show without all the cute fuzzy E.T. shit. The pilot for Surface is not too bad, because I count at least 1 teen girl bikini scene in the first 5 minutes, but that's when I turned it off.

The Parallax View

I watched this movie like 4 times before I got through it. The beginning is cheesy 70's. I guess stunt men didn't know how to throw or take a punch back then because the action sequences are so amateurish they forced me out of my suspended disbelief, if you can believe that.

I like conspiracies and this movie has one. The movie opens with a news conference about a congressional hearing. Congress assures us that some crazy person shot somebody and it has nothing to do with the new world order and the new world order wants to eat you. In other words it reads like it came out of the 9-11 hearings or from some Ron Paul supporter. Pure wacko. The end of the movie is good and that makes up for it starring the guy from Reds, Warren Buffy. I wrote 'the guy from Reds' because I couldn't remember his name and I don't feel like IMBD'ing everything.

The Parallax View

Lightning Bug

This movie could have been a good movie, or at least an awesome indie flick. But they got the casting all wrong. The guy who plays the lead looks to old to play teen and doesn't even make an effort at faking a southern accent. I don't want to berate the actor because he's likable and maybe he's a good actor. He's just not southern, he gives off an air of intelligence the rest of the movie characters don't have, because they are too busy playing up over the top stereotypes.

The movie is produced by Laurie "even her name sounds annoying" Prepon. Laurie is the red head from That 70's show. I like her. She's hot and I like to pretend that my last g/f looked a lot like her. I can't remember what my last g/f looked like, but you get the picture. This movie also stars Hal Sparks. I don't know why.

I gave up on this movie 4 or 5 times and kept coming back. One reviewer on Netflix complained about an obnoxious and gratuitous sex scene inexplicably dropped in the middle of the movie. I agree with everything that reviewer said. I can't understand why if you are going to introduce a sex scene, just for the hell of it, why you wouldn't expose at least one of Laurie's breasts. None were. So what's the point?

Maxed Out ****

A really good, solid documentary. If Frontline is on and it's a repeat and you really want to get your Frontline on, then watch this movie.

No End in Sight ****

Ditto. Only more so.

Lightning Bug

The Parallax View

The Bridesmaid

Another movie that took multiple viewing to get through. Only this one is in French so if you want to watch it, you have to read. *

Maxed Out

Claire Dolan

I reviewed this movie previously.

The Contract

The Girl from Monday

The Ten

Night Watch

* I ain't done reviewing all these movies but even I am running out of steam on this. Come back in a day or two to read the rest of the reviews.


greensunflowerRN said...

I didnt read your reviews, because well, I am one of the movie snob who uses hair products which cost an amount equal to most people's food stamp allotment for the month.

My hair still kind of looks like shit... go figure.

Thanks for insulting me though, because the lower my self esteem, the closer you are to getting laid.

jezebels said...

You're getting angrier. I can't decide if that's good (since you crack my shit up) or bad (because I'm increasingly worried about hearing you've shot up a mall in a murderous rampage that ends in suicide). Either way I have faith you are better equipped to determine the right path.

Romius T. said...

I use fan girl in the generic insulting sense as a replacement for fanboy calling all my readers gay but if it worked to lower the self esteem of my female readership (both of you) that is awesome because I am drawing you closer to sex with me.

Jez," Either way I have faith you are better equipped to determine the right path."

Simply too funny. i am sure allah will wisper something to me.

commander other said...

thank you for these reviews, Romius. it's nice to be reminded what i'm intentionally missing by not admitting that my life is miserable enough to spend watching movies.


of course, i mean this in a totally non-acerbic way, because that's the way i'm playing it today.

and by the way, my uncle was very fastidious about cleaning his fingernails. there were several of us nephews and nieces, after all. i'm still not going to have sex with you, though, because that'd be gay. my interludes with Uncle Mudfinger were special moments i only think about at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and St. Patrick's Day.

Romius T. said...

I'm glad to hear that about your uncle, c.o. I think a clean finger nail is the least an uvuncular figure can offer...

Freida Bee said...

Romius- You're in luck becuase my self-esttem is so low I actually watched that Parrallax movie just last year. I was dissappointed that it was not more sci-fi as the name might have someone stupid about culture like me thinking.

I blame my uncle. He never fingered me.

Romius T. said...

I'm sorry your uncle does not love you Frieda, and that he never showed you the special kind of attention that I can offer you now. But it's a secret, ok? Don't tell your mom because she doesn't like it when I make you feel good and she won't let you come over for pizza and cookies andymore!

I am sure you are the only person to read the reviews, so I thank you. That means you read the retard that moans when she eats mayo joke. That one still makes me smile.

commander other said...

now, wait just a damned minute. i read the part with the 14-year-old moaning when she eats mayonnaise, and i LAUGHED, damn you. LAUGHED, i say!

because she told me she was eighteen, of course!

Freida Bee said...

Romius- I promise I won't tell no one.

Though I want to be the exclusive reader of your erotica, it seems the Commander had a point, but I think he's in jail now, so, yep, it's jes me and you and a buttload of crappy movies.

Romius T. said...

I so sorry C.O., of course you have nothing better to do than read the entire post, I mean that in the nicest way possible, cuz that's how I roll today.