"Is that the best you can do?" The portly man inquired.
If by portly you mean fat. Huskiness came about as natural to this fellow as his insatiable curiosity. In his teen years he had been described as a lardo, but the adipose nature of his tissues now rarely broke through.
Now it preferred to nest to hibernate, until that stifling heat of late July burst it forth gusher-like from the buried recesses of his corpulence.
His inquiry came in the form of a piece of electronic mail*.
The youth of our period are known to prefer this manner of elocution over that found in the more fancied art of letters or the directness required for face to face conversation.
In earlier times, "the masses" devoid of the ability to place pen to thought, shunned to think. No Longer! With the introduction of the welfare state, public schools gave widespread literacy of the non-functional sort to millions.
The ink flows forth now in flowery absurdities and half truths such as:
"You have all day to sit around the house and think cosmicly** significant thoughts and this is what you come up with..."
And so in agreement with those three dots... perhaps here is a place to pause. So that I might recount the motivation offered by such obsequious offenders with sagacious advice.
Our disagreement began quite innocently enough after the inquirer read a bit of my memetic brilliance. A meme you are quite aware of...as The 30 things Men Need to Know About Women has become something of a required reading amongst those in the know.
I hardly need to tell you of its significance or its invasion into our culture, virus-like, living only by invading living brains, and lives the more, the more brains it invades.
But upon receiving the virus, my good friend, developed quite a sturdy bit of anti-biotic resistance* to said virus.
"I thought you were college material," he says. "but now . . ."
The key word is "was." Let's face it, I am a man of much former potential.
I can no more violate the Laws of Relativity than Quantum Physics can.* I can't take back tomorrow, score well on a SAT test, or even garner the sideways glance of a deliciously blonde co-ed any more than any other man in my position.
*With the acheivemnet of emoticons an expansive world of literary intentions entered the playground of the formerly pedestrian e-mail communication. :)
** I felt it unnecessary to point out that blogger comes with "spell check" and [cosmicly] is not a real word.
* Despite much protest by modern science.
I have been assured by millions that taking anti-biotics is the only way to relieve myself of the flu.
***
The author quite aware of the limitations found within his audience felt the need for the absurdly large amount of asterisks in order to attest to the cleverness inherent within the slings and arrows of his barbs.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Push Polls from Focus on the Family
Got a call from those nice folks at the Focus on the Family Council. They wanted to make sure I knew that Judicial nominations from the Right side of Naziville were being hampered by those evil "Democrats."
I was not even aware that we still had an oppostion party at all. As my roomate commented "Its good to know people are not even pretending to be balanced and fair anymore."
Here is the propaganda site itself:
http://www.family.org/cforum/feature/a0036219.cfm
And something else from the left:
http://thinkprogress.org/index.php?p=710
I was not even aware that we still had an oppostion party at all. As my roomate commented "Its good to know people are not even pretending to be balanced and fair anymore."
Here is the propaganda site itself:
http://www.family.org/cforum/feature/a0036219.cfm
And something else from the left:
http://thinkprogress.org/index.php?p=710
Monday, April 25, 2005
What women really want, or a reply to the 30 things men need to know about women.
Once I saw this ridiculous post I knew I would have to reply.
http://phoenix.craigslist.org/m4w/70003170.html
It's fairly pussy, so I wrote my own.
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
The popover is always acceptable, (sometimes they are in their underwear..what a treat.) Sometimes they are fucking your cousin.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
Most guys cheat, so will you, so go ahead , most times you won't get caught. Even if you do get caught most girls will forgive you. Even if they don't forgive, you probably didn't like her anyways.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
Beware of every single male relative and all her guy friends, they all want to have sex with her, even the related ones.
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
Never miss an opportunity to tell them how fat their asses look, a girl with an eating disorder is much skinnier.
5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
Don't kiss in front of your friends.They will they laugh at you, and it's not because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
If they slap you hard, you deserved it. If you slapped them back, they deserved it.
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being touched in strange places by strange people.
8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
If you don't sleep with them, do tell your friends that you did. Guys like gossip too.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
Not all of them eat like birds, most of them do eat like whales. This is why they always want appetizer, salads and desserts.
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.. 11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
Most women don't mind paying for half of everything, but they will discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and HER friends will think you're a pussy.. .but your guy friends will know that your a pimp.
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
Every girl should eventually give three things to her boyfriend- a blow job , one of her panties, and a threesome. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
Go ahead and make sure she gets home safely, as often as you can , call her sister to pick her up.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him. But if he kicks your ass, she will sleep with him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. (Ask if her if she knows about rule 12. )
16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, if your gonna hit a women make sure she knows she has been hit.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
Make her go to a guy flick once in a while. Tell her it doesn't matter whether she enjoyed it or not, it just matters that she went. On second thought, make her pretend to enjoy it.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends, this is the best way to secretly break up with a woman.
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
Flirt with their moms...it's just freaky. It may just get you a threesome. ( See rule 12 . )
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding
Be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, but it really does make them feel like shit. Low self esteem is correlated with longevity in bad relationships ( you know the kind you want from her.)
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
Your not gonna like the way they drive , so you do it. Better, why are they going with you?
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Otherwise on the ride home you will end up smacking 'em for talking shit.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you. So stop trying to entertain them, think about yourself for a change.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
When they complain that fucking them in the pussy hurts, rub it their faces.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, so always win, they love the top dog.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
Women don't expect you to remember dates or anniversaries, so don't. You've got more important things , like the 1976 draft of the Cleveland Browns in your head for a reason.
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
Fuck trying to smell good. Men stink, tell her to get over it, or the dog did it.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
Always give cheap jewelry for presents and blame it on one of your uncles.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
If you think the relationship isn't going to last, wait to find out if it is, or wait until something better comes along. In the meantime fuck one of her sisters or her best friend.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most pimps would kill for that kind of power, use it or lose it.
(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the mother fuckin best tips you could ever get!)
http://phoenix.craigslist.org/m4w/70003170.html
It's fairly pussy, so I wrote my own.
1.Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
The popover is always acceptable, (sometimes they are in their underwear..what a treat.) Sometimes they are fucking your cousin.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
Most guys cheat, so will you, so go ahead , most times you won't get caught. Even if you do get caught most girls will forgive you. Even if they don't forgive, you probably didn't like her anyways.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
Beware of every single male relative and all her guy friends, they all want to have sex with her, even the related ones.
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
Never miss an opportunity to tell them how fat their asses look, a girl with an eating disorder is much skinnier.
5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
Don't kiss in front of your friends.They will they laugh at you, and it's not because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
If they slap you hard, you deserved it. If you slapped them back, they deserved it.
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being touched in strange places by strange people.
8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
If you don't sleep with them, do tell your friends that you did. Guys like gossip too.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
Not all of them eat like birds, most of them do eat like whales. This is why they always want appetizer, salads and desserts.
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.. 11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
Most women don't mind paying for half of everything, but they will discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and HER friends will think you're a pussy.. .but your guy friends will know that your a pimp.
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
Every girl should eventually give three things to her boyfriend- a blow job , one of her panties, and a threesome. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
Go ahead and make sure she gets home safely, as often as you can , call her sister to pick her up.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him. But if he kicks your ass, she will sleep with him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. (Ask if her if she knows about rule 12. )
16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, if your gonna hit a women make sure she knows she has been hit.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
Make her go to a guy flick once in a while. Tell her it doesn't matter whether she enjoyed it or not, it just matters that she went. On second thought, make her pretend to enjoy it.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends, this is the best way to secretly break up with a woman.
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
Flirt with their moms...it's just freaky. It may just get you a threesome. ( See rule 12 . )
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding
Be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, but it really does make them feel like shit. Low self esteem is correlated with longevity in bad relationships ( you know the kind you want from her.)
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
Your not gonna like the way they drive , so you do it. Better, why are they going with you?
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Otherwise on the ride home you will end up smacking 'em for talking shit.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you. So stop trying to entertain them, think about yourself for a change.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
When they complain that fucking them in the pussy hurts, rub it their faces.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle
Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, so always win, they love the top dog.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
Women don't expect you to remember dates or anniversaries, so don't. You've got more important things , like the 1976 draft of the Cleveland Browns in your head for a reason.
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
Fuck trying to smell good. Men stink, tell her to get over it, or the dog did it.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
Always give cheap jewelry for presents and blame it on one of your uncles.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
If you think the relationship isn't going to last, wait to find out if it is, or wait until something better comes along. In the meantime fuck one of her sisters or her best friend.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most pimps would kill for that kind of power, use it or lose it.
(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the mother fuckin best tips you could ever get!)
Thursday, April 14, 2005
More Fun with Cragislist. The One Armed Bandit Strikes Again.
Personal Ad on the Craigslists I posted.
I am looking for a women who can deal with the fact that I have one Arm. Maybe you have a fetish for that kind of thing, or maybe you can just be "cool" with it.
It's tough getting a job when you have only one arm, so yes I am broke. But I am not looking for sympathy.
How'd I lose the arm? I know you are all wondering. So I will just tell the story.
I was traveling in Missouri a few years ago, a friend of a friend knew some "guy" who worked a carny. He got us "back stage" at a traveling circus.
The circus had a few animals including a bear. I got a little too close to it's cage and got distracted. Before I knew it, the animal had swiped at me.
No, it did not eat off my arm. It did mangle it though. Quite a bit. We were in 'the backwoods' so the doctor had no experience with re-attachment or fixing such a badly broken arm. I had lost a great deal of blood as well. He made a decision: arm or death. He chose to give me life.
Hey, I can still masturbate with one arm. So I guess life is not all bad, but I am tired of jacking off. I Would like to meet a gal for some fun. Don't get dogs or animals involved please.
And DO NOT offer a "ZOO" visit for our first date. That's not funny. I have tried this before, so I know all the jokes.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Opinion - Ben Macintyre
Opinion - Ben Macintyre: "The quantity of boredom in whe world, unlike joy or fear, has dramatically increased. Tedium is the modern luxury"
Friday, April 08, 2005
Why do credit card companies taunt me?
What's in my wallet? Not a god damn thing, no thanks to Capital One and their shenanigans. They are ruining my credit.
There it is again. A brand new shiny envelope beckoning with new Direct Mail enticements. You're already approved!, $3000 dollar credit limit. No interest!
Submitted for my approval complete with faux credit card for life-like -faux-maxing out!
[Heidegger-esque wouldn't ya say?]
If they can decide to turn me down in 60 seconds , can't they run a little check first? Why waste their 50 cents? If you keep sending me out advertisements that say I am approved , I will keep applying for the money. I am poor, and I got's me no moolah!
The reason they refuse to check is easy to understand, they are intent on ruining my credit. The more times an applicant gets turned down, or applies for credit the worse their credit score becomes. They know this-hell they invented the rules, and they know they don't want me , I 've already been turned down 6 times this week, so why do they keep insisting on sending me those"You are already approved!" stickers and applications.
I was gonna choose the "see-thru-red one" credit card, cuz it looked so cool.
I was gonna pay off all them fines , so I wouldn't go to jail. Maybe even fix my brakes, so I would not run over some little squirrel. Look out Mr. Squirrel! Look out Mr. Cuddily Rodent of the Sciuridae family!
I am gonna have to invent a Tort for this. We just can't have large multi-national corporations going around picking on me, and inadverdently killing fuzzy lil Sciuridaeians.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Breaking up is hard to do.
Breaking up is hard to do
You know I don't want to be with you
I came in your face
I put in all over the place
you took it all with such grace
I guess you'll never leave
that's something I will just have to face.
45 seconds later
three inches of Thunder
giving you pleasure
everything seems so clear
only I wish you weren't here
but ignorance is bliss
And I guess I am so inviting
suffice it to say that your not satisfying
but if I ever told it to ya , I'd be lying
This poem is inspired by the Three inches of thunder weblog
http://threeinches.blogspot.com/
Sung in the key to Bitches aint shit by Ben Folds 5
You know I don't want to be with you
I came in your face
I put in all over the place
you took it all with such grace
I guess you'll never leave
that's something I will just have to face.
45 seconds later
three inches of Thunder
giving you pleasure
everything seems so clear
only I wish you weren't here
but ignorance is bliss
And I guess I am so inviting
suffice it to say that your not satisfying
but if I ever told it to ya , I'd be lying
This poem is inspired by the Three inches of thunder weblog
http://threeinches.blogspot.com/
Sung in the key to Bitches aint shit by Ben Folds 5
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