Friday, June 08, 2007

If you think the nickel is missing, you're right.**

I'm sitting here drinking soda at 5:23 in the morning because I think it is a good idea to consume caffeine right before going to sleep. That way my brain can let me sleep, but only if it spits and spurts out the REM I need.
Sleep then drifts in and out. I wake by the hour. I stare at the clock. Am I dreaming, or am I just imagining that I am dreaming?

All I have to drink is R/C Cola which is way better than any Wal*Mart brand of soda. All that glycolic acid sweeps in to cut away at the sweetness of the liquid, otherwise I'd be vomiting from the 16 teaspoons of sugar just pumped into me. I drink all that soda because I can't afford beer most nights. Even dollar beers. Events always conspire against me.

All this soda is going to rot my teeth. I know it and I'll be working at Denny's soon. I nearly got sick off the B.O. from a Denny's waiter. My waiter is afraid to bathe because of all the unprotected gay sex he is having. If my Denny's waiter scrubs too hard he might chafe, and if he chafes he might bleed, and if he bleeds, he only increasing his chances of getting the AIDS.

I guess he could have less of the unprotected gay sex. Wear a condom, or get tested, but our waiter has a system. And who's to say mine is any better than his. His seems to be working. I mean other than the B.O. and the general listlessness. The dark circles that have unpacked their bags under his eyes. The tired thinness of his bones. His unpleasantness towards vegans. Other than that he seems ok. Iffy...but ok really. If you think about it. Which I have to now because my friend has freaked out about the B.O.

"You know he just made your sandwich."

And yours too I remind him.

**Of course it is quite possible that nobody thinks the nickel is missing. that's why the nickel stayed there for so long. Or maybe nobody ever needed a nickel at the same time they decided to pee in the bathroom. But they make a mental note. They tell themselves that if they ever need a nickel "all I got to do is go to the bathroom. I can geta nickel there."

It was probably bad luck to remove the nickel, you are thinking. But what do you know? There is no such thing as bad luck. When bad things happen to you it is because bad things are planned for you. Did you stop and think that bad things really only happen to you? That everybody else seems to get up in the morning and get by in life. They wake up and geta cup of coffee and a danish and kiss their boyfriends goodbye. The don't spill shit on themselves, and they are never late to work and even when they are the boss never catches them.

Stop worrying about the nickel, you've got a lot more things to worry about.


Evil Spock said...

Wow, you paint such a pretty picture of Arizona (that's where you're from, right?)

Perhaps you should be the head of their bureau of tourism.

Romius T. said...

I will apply post haste. I need to be making up a resume full of fake stuff anyway.

In a dew years everone will be shocked that I am head of the nukes program in russia or something, just because my resume is so faked so damn good!