Monday, May 26, 2008

Pardon my teen angst bullshit, but I was hungry when I wrote this post, so ignore the signs of my dropping blood sugar

I am hungry. I know this is a good feeling for my body to have for a change, because I am not an Ethiopian, and my body doesn't have to worry about food, because I live in America, and I work at a grocery store, so the odds of me starving to death are between slim and none.

But right now would be a great time for a coke. I love coke and I have five twelve packs of soda sitting on my dining room table. I think they mock me. They put soda on sale at my store. I can get five twelve packs of coke and 2 free boxes of Cheez its for 12 dollars. A couple of days ago this sale would have prompted me to empty my back account to buy as much coke as possible. Coke loves me. Coke never lets me down. Coke won't dump my ass when I get old and fat.

I sure am hungry. My belly is telling me it is empty and I guess I am just supposed to ignore that feeling so I can get skinny because we all love skinny. If I could be anything in the world I would be a robotic fly that could crawl around on Suri Cruise, so I could keep track of all the crazy ass shit Tom Cruise is doing with out us all knowing, but if that is not possible then I would want to be skinny. I would rather be skinny than tall, and I would rather be skinny than buff, and I would rather be skinny than not bald, because if I was skinny I would just shave my head and wear wife beaters and get tats all down my arms and go to poetry def jams and make up random misogynistic rants and pass them off as deep poetic shit (no matter how hard that would be) and get laid by girls with chipped nail polish who die their hair black.

I am not attracted to that type. I like the girl next door. I like a girl who could get cast as a model on a fabric softener commercial. White breezy sunshine, she is running through sheets as the warm sun bounces off her face.

I am hungry. Allow me to pause writing this post (you won't feel a thing I promise), so I can go get another drink of de-caf ice tea. Ice T is awesome and has no calories. Things with no calories are the new awesome, and the new awesome will keep me having an internet g/f, and that is a good thing as I have not had a real g/f in over 2 years, and my last g/f hardly liked me. I only know this because she often told me. She always told me she liked being honest and her being honest was making sure I understood I was not physically desirable to women. I've known that for years and that's why I started developing a personality back in the sixth grade when I was not noticeably fat or short and had no need for the complexity and profound depth that you see before you today.

The head cheerleader must have liked what she saw and heard from me as she asked me if I wanted a blow job. I had no idea what a blow job was and if I did I was not sure I was interested in getting one as I had yet to enter into puberty so I was sure that an orgasm was out of the question and like all men I have it genetically programmed into me that sex without an orgasm is a waste of time.

It is not too often that the most popular girl in school wants to date a guy like me, but I can tell you that when opportunities like that happen they don't happen like they do in the movies. In real life I was too riddled with the fear of rejection to take Jennifer up on her offer to sit with all the cool kids at lunch time. I just ate by myself. My parents tended to pack my lunch and they seemed to think that the only fruit in the world was the banana. I think you can imagine the kind of jokes that got made when people noticed I only ate a banana everyday at lunch.

Jocks and cool kids would sit down with me just to ask why I turned down Jennifer. I told them I was sure Jennifer had a boyfriend and she was just playing a joke on me and that a girl like her could never be interested in a guy like me even if we played paper football the entire time in biology class. I can't remember cracking open a book during that class. I do remember looking into her Jennifer's big green eyes and talking to her like she was just one of the guys and I think that is what attracted her to me. I have to use tricks like that to get women to be attracted to me. But it would be nice to have a woman get turned on by my body for once. I would like it if for once they were able to return the visceral attraction I feel whenever they bend over and plunge their bosoms towards me. I need them to hunger for me like an anorexic tweener on the binge part of a binge and purge session. I want to get back at women for having power over me by denying them the naked thing they want so badly, me.

Jennifer always claimed that she did not have a boyfriend and she really wanted to date me. I bring this story up because I like to think that my decision to stay safe and not risk getting made fun of set the tone for the rest of my life. If I would have said yes I would have been popular and I probably would not have asked my parents for the subscription to Omni magazine that I got that year for Christmas which pretty much sealed the deal on me becoming a nerd.

In 8th grade I did not try out for the basketball team even though I was better than a few of kids who made the team. I was sure my dad would not spring for new shoes and I was too embarrassed to wear my old sneakers to practice. In 9th grade my best friend Doug made the b squad of the high school team and he was only a little better than me, mostly because he was taller and had been on the 8th grade team. If it is any consolation I was the best player on my street. I used to play 1 on three and beat the three losers who played me badly.

Sometimes I tried to make sure they did not score on me at all. I never did because there was three of them playing against me and guarding three players is basically impossible, but I am just telling you that so you can understand that deep inside me is the kinda guy that doesn't let his little brother win at monopoly and is the kinda guy who likes to make sure that he steps on people who suck at basketball.

That guy never really recovered from Jennifer's offer to be popular, or his punking on trying out for the 8th and 9th grade basketball teams. I would not have made my high school basketball teams. But I could have tried and the guy who shut down all comers on his home street was the kinda guy who should not have minded failing. He would not be happy about it, and maybe he would not have taken any ideas about sportsmanship away from his defeat. More likely he would have made excuses for losing and he would have developed "short man disease" and then probably he would have taken to wearing too much gold jewelry.

But at least he would have gotten himself a girlfriend before he was 18.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hunger has a funny way of making us regret past decisions.

It usually makes me regret that I didn't save a few M&Ms.