The Bathos Guide to Surviving Awkward Pauses.

"I have read your blog and it reads just like you talk."

That's one of the best things about me. I'm always vomiting something ass stupid out of my mouth before I can stop it in real life too.

Speaking of which have you ever been talking to a person and had one of those awkward pauses? You're not alone, it happens to me all the time.

Of course with me I have always just said something really strange and bizarre right before the awkward pause, so I am never quite sure whether it was the statement that caused the awkward pause or if we are just in the moment of pausing awkwardly.

You wanna know how to survive all those awkward pauses?

You pretend they aren't happening. Especially if you think the other person likes you. Here are some standards to get through it.

"Isn't great we don't have those awkward pauses in between our conversations?"

Sure you were in the middle of one, but because you just said you weren't having one you have installed doubt in the other person.

"Well, he doesn't feel awkward, maybe I am not feeling akward either. Maybe it's just butterflies or my nervousness. I must really like him."

You see how this works? You get them thinking that you aren't feeling nervous or awkward and then they reinterpret their feelings in a more friendly 'you might get some ass' kinda way.

"It's really nice we can just sit here and not feel we have to force the conversation."

This is just my polite way of telling you to shut up, but somehow it brings you a warm fuzzy. It's like a 75 cent Jagermeister shot, it's unsettlingly cheap and fucks with your judgment later.

Go share the Cuddles.