Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I don't always dream about Steve Nash's wife

Sometimes I dream that I actually sat down and wrote that "greatest American novel of all time."

In the dream I sold just over 170,000 books which puts me on the same path as that fat chick from Facts of life, Blair.

That's just like me. Being a lot like celebrities. Like when I am poor I just eat a lot of bologna sandwiches and I eat them on white bread just like K-Fed does.

That makes me feel good, cuz like man that K-fed he got big. He blew up, especially after doing that whole reality series Kaotic. And he got paid. Sure he is gonna throw it all away on that new album of his, but what the fuck. Se la Vi, Motherfucker. That's what I always say.

Whenever I dream of making a lot of money I always have these real intense dreams of how I spend the money. Like I get into arguments with people in the dream about if I should redecorate the condo I buy with granite or marble tile. And watching all those shows on the Home Channel about flipping isn't helping either. Cuz I really think I know what I am talking about now.

K-fed knows what I mean:

I like that real journalism. I like putting other people's words in a sentence and making people, like, their faces light up about it. Not frown. Light up.

Straight up Fed. That is exactly why I want to write that book. You should have seen the faces of my family when I told them my plans. Cuz you always gotta have plans on how you're gonna make it. And mine was like, hey man, I am gonna write me a book.

And I am gonna write Oprah a bit part in the book. She will be like Gaea or something in it. If you get Oprah to talk about your book, you are guaranteed bank. That women could hustle ice cubes to people with ice cubes. Tell 'em that her cubes are way better and that their lives would be incomplete without her's. And people wouldn't even think about buying those cubes, Man. No, instead they would probably just shoot themselves because they didn't have it in 'em to think to buy her cubes in the first place.

That's fucking power, man. That's fucking power. I am not saying getting power like that is my goal or would even be a good idea. But If I got it I am sure I would use it for good. Mostly. I mean sure I would prolly make the age of consent something like 15.

But Alabama already did that.


katie schwartz said...

omg. that is so fucking funny! I think you have to write the unathorized k-fuck and twitney biography. pre-twitney and post twitney how he trailafied her to entirely new lows.

romiustexis said...

That is a great idea as Kfed has said he is gonna get himself a ghost writer!