Saturday, May 26, 2007

I am religious without being spiritual, but now I wish I could just marry me some Jesus

I was debating a friend of mine a while back on our philosophies of life. Most of the debate centered on how life is meaningless and absurd. Which I guess I use as a good excuse to not get a job.

All that debating gave me the idea to write a religious book for Atheists. I even started a blog post, but it got nowhere. So after 10 days of not posting about it I gave up trying to write down my religious ideas. Not that it matters anyway.

While I might not take the time to write down what I believe to in order to convince you that I know what I am talking about, I gotta believe the people over at the Children of God ought to consider not writing down so much the things they say and believe. Like their stuff on Bridal Theology.

Bridal Theology for the Children of God is basically kiddie sex mixed with Jesus fucking... (Play This Song from the Family while You read!!!)

"They take bridal theology further than other Christians by encouraging members to imagine that Jesus is having sex with them during sexual intercourse and masturbation."
A mother may instruct her children with stories like this:

"(Jesus speaking:) I am really there fucking you, and I really do fill your body with My penis and My seeds. I let you experience this and I have manifested Myself to you in this physical reaction that you've felt in your body. "

You tell that to a 12 year olds. Or you can wait till she is 14 according to the Family. Holy cripes. That's balls out ballsy. Of course lets not forget that men need to fuck Jesus too.

"Male members are told to visualize themselves as women, in order to avoid a homosexual relationship with Jesus:"

"In your lovemaking with Jesus you are not a man. You are making love to Him as His Bride, His spiritual wife. This is not a male-with-male relationship. It is a spiritual female, you, making love to a male, Jesus. He is the man, the Bridegroom, and you are the woman, His Bride, His wife."

Children of God even has a list of approved dirty words and sex talk to use with Jesus. But I have to admit that the song is kinda catchy. Don't ya think?
"I"ll lay down. I will strip all my garments off, I will strip off all my pride for you!"
I have to thank the wonderful podcast Distorted View for playing the Children of God's rock song (above) for inspiration for this post. Special thanks to x-family website for all the dirt.


Jezebelsriot said...

Oh thank god I am not the only who Jesus makes horny, but they need to be more careful about those homosexual relations with Jesus. No Jesus would not want that. He would MUCH rather fuck a dude pretending to be a chick, like a hooker he picked up in the bad part of town.

Romius T. said...

have I talked about the mexican tranvestitie hookers in p-town?