I don't usually get a lot of hate mail. In fact I get none. Which when you think about is kinda strange as I often try to write things that creep people out. Like my Internet G/F says "I am a provocateur." I couldn't say that myself without sounding a little full of it, so I let her say it for me.
But recently I got 3 pieces of hate mail. All at once. It all started after some cop read my "I hate cops" post. I guess he got offended, because he brought up how I never graduated from high school. He writes:
HATE MAIL #1
"I'm so cool because i follow the crowd of drop outs who have no future and blame society and "the police" for me not getting my way" "I really wish i had a father figure growing up"
This guy totally "gets" me. I like it when that happens. Also, nothing says cool like being a drop out. But my dad is gonna get pissed when he reads this. In my daddy's defense (it is father's day y'all) he was a "figure" if by figure you mean a absentee drunk who told me I would never amount to anything and I should not try, and if I did try and fail I could always blame the police and join the communist party.
HATE MAIL #2
"No respect what so ever..if you only knew the things we go through so you can live a happy life. seriously, without us you would be dead kid. you're just an ungreatful little prick is all...it's ok though we are used to it. oh and by the way...donut jokes are so 1950's...im 5'9 225 lbs with about 4.5% body fat and I bench over 315. seriously get a clue and stop following the "omg cops like donuts...har har" crowd."*
This guys sounds so hot! And just think. Without him I'd be dead.
HATE MAIL # 3
"your a dumbass i hope you get your face shot off and die punk ass"
Oh, well. I guess there goes his whole I am better than you because I save you. I am pretty sure he just threatened me. I think the guy should be put in jail. I bet he knows what they do to ex-cops in jail too.
Just goes to show you that cops are bullies. They don't really believe any of that crap about protecting the innocent, or defending my right to free speech. They like eating donuts. They like cars with flashing lights. They like big guns. I am sure all his gun talk has nothing to do with how his tiny man tool can't satisfy.
*it should be noted that all the misspellings are his. cops don't spellcheck. spellcheck is for fags.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I bet you thought I wasn't writing. I was. I just wasn't publishing this shit. Is it too late to tell Tim Russert that he is a douche bag?
How the hell can you be surprised that Tim Russert died of a heart attack? People are going around saying how shocking his death was to them. The guy was a walking corn dog of cholesterol, and he was a good 200 pounds overweight. He might as well have had a "I love heart attacks" printed across his massive jowls.
Now that Tim is dead I think we should just say what we feel about him. That way we don't have to feel bad about hurting his feelings. Before he died if you hurt Tim Russert's feelings he would go to the pope's house and tell on you, and then you would have a tough time getting into heaven.
The previous paragraph was written to inform you that I know that Timmy was a Catholic from Buffalo. Being catholic, male, fat, and white means you can get a job at NBC. That has to do with the fact that the CEO of NBC was a fat catholic white dude from Pennsylvania.
I just despise the fact that Tim Russert did nothing to stop the republicans from stealing the 2000 election. I can't stand the fact that the guy lived for mouthing conventional wisdom as fact. Tim did not see through the Bush bullshit. We went to war because of the incompetence of Tim Russert. We are supposed to believe that CV somehow passes for wisdom and intelligence. Maybe in the hyper political world of D. C. But I am the kinda guy that likes a little truth with the news. Tim Russert never gave a shit about the truth. He once said that his only bias was for a "great story." That sir is a shitty bias. How about a bias for truth. How about a bias for the relative importance of a story, no matter how "big" it was. You were a reporters, reporter. And I can think of no greater insult.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
I give you Erin o Brien "On rejection"
The above video is Erin O Brien, the sister of one of my favorite writers, John O Brien. Erin came to my attention because she published the last two novels written by her brother. John O' Brien committed suicide after he wrote Leaving Las Vegas which was made into a movie that won several Academy Awards.
Erin writes and also has a video blog. She does not update the video blog often, but when she does she is very brave with her emotions regarding her career and (lack of ?) success. Mostly the vlog seems to be about rejection and the hard work of writing. I admire anyone who puts so much work into her writing.
I can identify with some of her emotional histrionics you see in her videos regarding critiques of her work. She is a bit defensive. Too much so. And some of the video and interviews I have read of her are almost funny because of that.
I got interested in reading more about Erin after reading Stripper Lessons by John O Brien. Stripper Lessons is one of my favorite books. I whole heatedly recommend it to you. I was doing a book search for other titles by O Brien when I noticed that the one title by O Brien that I had not read The Assault on Tony's was available for free reading on Google Book Search. All you bloggers will want to watch the video and check out her blog.
Friday, June 06, 2008
This is why I won't write a novel for you
The Atlantic ocean smells of turpentine. Its gray waves wash over me. The sky is overcast and the sun is dull. I smell the salt air and I watch the matronly obese cavort in the sea.
I saw her leave. Now I am the youngest person on the beach by ten years. I have a headache brought on by too much time at the beach. My bladder is full. Anytime I am near the ocean I feel an overwhelming need to urinate.
I walk down steps from the bay shore to the public bathroom. It reeks of stale urine. My head tilts. I peer into the urinal and watch a gold stream splash a urine cake. A deodorizing scent from the steam escapes towards me. I no longer smell the salt air, or the stench from human release. I smell only cancer. If cancer had a smell, I imagine it would be the smell of pissed on urinal cakes located in the back of public beach bathrooms along the Atlantic coast.
I've watched her for two hours. She has come to the ocean with friends. I take the shriveled penis and place it back in my trunks.
She sat on the sand not two hundred yards from me. She displayed to the world her modesty only. She wore shorts and a long sleeved shirt over a bathing suit. Her friends wore tiny bikinis. Each girl had a cowboy hat perched atop their heads. Their bloodshot eyes were hidden behind the fashionably large sunglasses of the 1970's.
She left with her friends, but I did not follow. I have no inclination. I Am sure I know where she is headed. I imagine she is on her way back to her parents. She will eat supper and then she will jump into her Jeep Wrangler and drive home. Alone.
I know where she works. I know much of her daily routine. I know that she is a careless person who drops her keys. I know she insists on stops at nearby donut shops for coffee when she is 30 minutes late for work.I take my time.
I enjoy even the smells of cancer on the beach. I am content to be alone. I walk back from the restroom to my beach towel on the sand. I pack my suntan lotion, and my camera phone with music player. I place those things in the pouch of my collapsible chair with built in umbrella. I stare at the ground and march the trek back to the public parking lot. I avoid the large shells and rocks that could cut my feet.
I place only the beach things in the trunk of my car. The black paint has greedily absorbed the sun today. The Volvo 740 is without air conditioning, so I drive with the windows rolled down. The car stereo works, but is not connected to the speakers.Beside me in the passenger seat is an old am/fm receiver with a large speaker.
I leave it in the seat with my windows down and the door unlocked. I have left the radio unguarded in the seat for 9 months. No one has stolen it. I switch it on and the batteries are still good. I turn the dial to the classic rock station and turn the volume up as high as it will go. At highway speeds with the wind and noise of traffic I can just make out the melody of what is playing.
My Volvo has a responsive turbo engine. I purchased the car from Vincent. I offered him 900 dollars and he promised to deliver me the title. Vincent left to San Fransisco and he never sent me the title. I drive without the title and insurance because the tags are good for 2 more years. If I do not attract attention from the police unnecessarily I should be able to drive without any of the inconvenience and cost of registration. 900 dollars well spent.
***
"I can kick your ass!"
She wants to test my strength. She rushes at me. Her fists are balled tightly. Her arms windmill. I grab her by the wrists and and throw her on the bed. My knees pinch her thighs apart.
I can sense the fear now. Her pale complexion has gone white. Nervous perspiration beads across her forehead. She tilts her neck upwards. I meet her forehead with mine. "Don't even fucking think you can take me." I mutter into her ear. A small smile breaks out onto her face. The futility of her arm movements cease. I relax my grip on her wrists. The prickly flow of blood returns to her hands.
***
I wake on my bed. The curtains are drawn and no light penetrates them. I have a painful erection. The alarm clock reads 1:36 am. I listen to the ceiling fan whirl above me. I cannot go back to sleep. I start work in only 7 hours.
If I don't get back to sleep I will be tired all day. I warn myself. I ignore my own advice. I roll out of bed and fall in a heap onto the floor. I walk sleepily into the computer office I share with my roommate. I turn on his computer and open the Internet. I check my mail and MySpace. I have several accounts.
Work is dull. I pass the time by daydreaming as much as possible. I work as a cashier at a grocery store. Sometimes customers give me 40 second breaks while they search for exact change. They rifle through their purses and billfolds like old men on the beach treasure hunting with metal detectors. When they find the nickel and two pennies buried at the bottom they exclaim aloud with the pride of a juvenile displaying his latest creation with crayons to an exasperated parent.
I think they see in me a look of wistfulness and mistake it for admiration or approval. I am just returning to the real world. In my mind I have been playing basketball. I have been enjoying the lustful embrace of their adolescent child who waits besides them.
The child is urging her parent forward with rolled eyes and a carefully constructed look of aloofness. All this dirty bill paying parents must do. All this food shopping and talking to the help is beneath them. They have text messaging to do. They have black mascara to apply in heaps and gobs. But sometimes I get a peek at the budding cleavage. That is my little secret. I do not tell mother. I do not tell father. I smile back at the parents. I take the change from them and treat it like the hero's quest has been fulfilled. I must get off the floor.
The break room is not a respite. I suffer through stories from a middle aged woman who feels no need for an age appropriate hair cut. She tells me her ex-husband called her late last night to confide in her that he was arrested for child molestation.
I like the idea that the ex-husband has no one else to turn to other than his swinging ex wife when confronted by the police. He lies to the police and suggests an alibi can be found with his former lover. She is outraged that her good name has been sullied by accusations of pederasty. She had no such modesty when informing me of her participation in her husbands alcohol fueled fetishes.
I dislike her immensely for her disloyalty. Even when a romance goes bad one should remember the special bond one promises during coitus. It is no real surprise to me that she lacks morality. We live in an unethical society. All around us there is dishonor, there is suffering. There is no nobility left in the human animal. Our days are filled by the endless droning on of television. We pursue goals. We function despite constant encounters with stupidity. The Elders of Zion, the corporate fat cats, our elected leaders, they must all sit back and laugh at us each day. It is no wonder they take us for fools. We suffer for them.
***
We live in the same building. I can't imagine that is coincidence, though you would. I must admit I find "fate" or such ideas to be laughable. I am not as certain as I was before. Moral certainty is the only crime left to modern man. I will speak more to you on this, but right now you are not ready. I do not wish to confuse you by interloping the tale and my lessons so early.
You wish to know more about her. What is the color of her hair? It is black. The color of an ethnic Italian. Thankfully she does not have the full blood of an Italian flowing in her. I have been entranced by exotic and beautiful women before, only then to glance down at their arms to see that they are covered in dark hair. I cannot hide my contempt. I must look away. I must cease my conversations with such people. I have a fear of the malformed. My fear is natural. I will not apologize for it.
I want to follow her. The girl on the beach. But I have no idea how you go about it. I must tell you that I am not a stalker. I am only interested in following her (ok stalking if you must) as an intellectual exercise.
I am curious what it would be like. To follow. I wonder what sorts of things I could discover. I wonder what kind of changes would overcome me if I really committed to the idea of following.
I think her eyes are green. Women with green eyes disturb me. They look sick. Most green eyed women have hepatitis. Green eyes are the genetic result of jaundice. It is well established fact that I will not argue. Since I have alerted you to this one fact, perhaps you will take the good will I have engendered and apply it to understanding my endeavor.
I saw her leave. Now I am the youngest person on the beach by ten years. I have a headache brought on by too much time at the beach. My bladder is full. Anytime I am near the ocean I feel an overwhelming need to urinate.
I walk down steps from the bay shore to the public bathroom. It reeks of stale urine. My head tilts. I peer into the urinal and watch a gold stream splash a urine cake. A deodorizing scent from the steam escapes towards me. I no longer smell the salt air, or the stench from human release. I smell only cancer. If cancer had a smell, I imagine it would be the smell of pissed on urinal cakes located in the back of public beach bathrooms along the Atlantic coast.
I've watched her for two hours. She has come to the ocean with friends. I take the shriveled penis and place it back in my trunks.
She sat on the sand not two hundred yards from me. She displayed to the world her modesty only. She wore shorts and a long sleeved shirt over a bathing suit. Her friends wore tiny bikinis. Each girl had a cowboy hat perched atop their heads. Their bloodshot eyes were hidden behind the fashionably large sunglasses of the 1970's.
She left with her friends, but I did not follow. I have no inclination. I Am sure I know where she is headed. I imagine she is on her way back to her parents. She will eat supper and then she will jump into her Jeep Wrangler and drive home. Alone.
I know where she works. I know much of her daily routine. I know that she is a careless person who drops her keys. I know she insists on stops at nearby donut shops for coffee when she is 30 minutes late for work.I take my time.
I enjoy even the smells of cancer on the beach. I am content to be alone. I walk back from the restroom to my beach towel on the sand. I pack my suntan lotion, and my camera phone with music player. I place those things in the pouch of my collapsible chair with built in umbrella. I stare at the ground and march the trek back to the public parking lot. I avoid the large shells and rocks that could cut my feet.
I place only the beach things in the trunk of my car. The black paint has greedily absorbed the sun today. The Volvo 740 is without air conditioning, so I drive with the windows rolled down. The car stereo works, but is not connected to the speakers.Beside me in the passenger seat is an old am/fm receiver with a large speaker.
I leave it in the seat with my windows down and the door unlocked. I have left the radio unguarded in the seat for 9 months. No one has stolen it. I switch it on and the batteries are still good. I turn the dial to the classic rock station and turn the volume up as high as it will go. At highway speeds with the wind and noise of traffic I can just make out the melody of what is playing.
My Volvo has a responsive turbo engine. I purchased the car from Vincent. I offered him 900 dollars and he promised to deliver me the title. Vincent left to San Fransisco and he never sent me the title. I drive without the title and insurance because the tags are good for 2 more years. If I do not attract attention from the police unnecessarily I should be able to drive without any of the inconvenience and cost of registration. 900 dollars well spent.
***
"I can kick your ass!"
She wants to test my strength. She rushes at me. Her fists are balled tightly. Her arms windmill. I grab her by the wrists and and throw her on the bed. My knees pinch her thighs apart.
I can sense the fear now. Her pale complexion has gone white. Nervous perspiration beads across her forehead. She tilts her neck upwards. I meet her forehead with mine. "Don't even fucking think you can take me." I mutter into her ear. A small smile breaks out onto her face. The futility of her arm movements cease. I relax my grip on her wrists. The prickly flow of blood returns to her hands.
***
I wake on my bed. The curtains are drawn and no light penetrates them. I have a painful erection. The alarm clock reads 1:36 am. I listen to the ceiling fan whirl above me. I cannot go back to sleep. I start work in only 7 hours.
If I don't get back to sleep I will be tired all day. I warn myself. I ignore my own advice. I roll out of bed and fall in a heap onto the floor. I walk sleepily into the computer office I share with my roommate. I turn on his computer and open the Internet. I check my mail and MySpace. I have several accounts.
Work is dull. I pass the time by daydreaming as much as possible. I work as a cashier at a grocery store. Sometimes customers give me 40 second breaks while they search for exact change. They rifle through their purses and billfolds like old men on the beach treasure hunting with metal detectors. When they find the nickel and two pennies buried at the bottom they exclaim aloud with the pride of a juvenile displaying his latest creation with crayons to an exasperated parent.
I think they see in me a look of wistfulness and mistake it for admiration or approval. I am just returning to the real world. In my mind I have been playing basketball. I have been enjoying the lustful embrace of their adolescent child who waits besides them.
The child is urging her parent forward with rolled eyes and a carefully constructed look of aloofness. All this dirty bill paying parents must do. All this food shopping and talking to the help is beneath them. They have text messaging to do. They have black mascara to apply in heaps and gobs. But sometimes I get a peek at the budding cleavage. That is my little secret. I do not tell mother. I do not tell father. I smile back at the parents. I take the change from them and treat it like the hero's quest has been fulfilled. I must get off the floor.
The break room is not a respite. I suffer through stories from a middle aged woman who feels no need for an age appropriate hair cut. She tells me her ex-husband called her late last night to confide in her that he was arrested for child molestation.
I like the idea that the ex-husband has no one else to turn to other than his swinging ex wife when confronted by the police. He lies to the police and suggests an alibi can be found with his former lover. She is outraged that her good name has been sullied by accusations of pederasty. She had no such modesty when informing me of her participation in her husbands alcohol fueled fetishes.
I dislike her immensely for her disloyalty. Even when a romance goes bad one should remember the special bond one promises during coitus. It is no real surprise to me that she lacks morality. We live in an unethical society. All around us there is dishonor, there is suffering. There is no nobility left in the human animal. Our days are filled by the endless droning on of television. We pursue goals. We function despite constant encounters with stupidity. The Elders of Zion, the corporate fat cats, our elected leaders, they must all sit back and laugh at us each day. It is no wonder they take us for fools. We suffer for them.
***
We live in the same building. I can't imagine that is coincidence, though you would. I must admit I find "fate" or such ideas to be laughable. I am not as certain as I was before. Moral certainty is the only crime left to modern man. I will speak more to you on this, but right now you are not ready. I do not wish to confuse you by interloping the tale and my lessons so early.
You wish to know more about her. What is the color of her hair? It is black. The color of an ethnic Italian. Thankfully she does not have the full blood of an Italian flowing in her. I have been entranced by exotic and beautiful women before, only then to glance down at their arms to see that they are covered in dark hair. I cannot hide my contempt. I must look away. I must cease my conversations with such people. I have a fear of the malformed. My fear is natural. I will not apologize for it.
I want to follow her. The girl on the beach. But I have no idea how you go about it. I must tell you that I am not a stalker. I am only interested in following her (ok stalking if you must) as an intellectual exercise.
I am curious what it would be like. To follow. I wonder what sorts of things I could discover. I wonder what kind of changes would overcome me if I really committed to the idea of following.
I think her eyes are green. Women with green eyes disturb me. They look sick. Most green eyed women have hepatitis. Green eyes are the genetic result of jaundice. It is well established fact that I will not argue. Since I have alerted you to this one fact, perhaps you will take the good will I have engendered and apply it to understanding my endeavor.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
I review porn clips and I make racist/sexist comments
There is something liberating about being covered up in a burka and having a man dominate and control every aspect of your life. You don't know anything about that because you live in a country full of men who don't feel the need to slap you around every time you go and get the menses, or stone you to death if you leave the house on your own.
I guess that's why when middle eastern chicks finally get to fuck they go all crazy and ask their man to bury his face in your ass. I know all this because I was watching porn last night and the porn was an amateur clip of Arabs fucking. Either that or they were Mexicans. But I am leaning towards Jordanians because it helps with the jokes.
MY REVIEW OF :
Mi Ex-novia TANYA.. me la cojo rico (I guess they were mexican)
This chick likes fucking and I can't think of a thing I like better in a girl than a girl into fucking. You never see passion from the professional girls like Tanya has. I think she must be really into this guy. Notice how she is hugging and licking the guys chest and thighs as she blows him. This licking and kissing is not the kind of perfunctory variation of tease from cock to thigh that you see in the regular porn. This girl is really desperate. She wants to consume him.
Tanya wears a g-string straight out of 1990, but since she is foreign I think she pulls it off. She is cute. Thin. But if you noticed the strange green bruises on her thigh then you weren't alone. I assume as a Mexican she can't afford to eat meat so she is probably just a little anaemic.
I am not really sure as to why Tanya likes to fuck this guy. He has a really small penis. I like to watch movies where the men have small penises, but can really please a women. I will have you know it is not because I have a small penis. I have to stop making small penis jokes now that I have an internet girlfriend.
Inexplicably in the middle of this porn clip they stop fucking to take a phone call. She then performs oral sex on mr. tiny while discussing the latest price on tortillas or the ending of some sappy novella or whatever the hell mexican women discuss in that funny little language of theirs.
I know earlier in this post I was suggesting that muslim women are freed to be sexual dynamos because they live in a culture that exploits and degrades them. I think the same thing must go for the mexicans. I can't imagine why else Tanya would exclaim in such excitement every time she gets pounded by her b/f/. He certainly can't be getting that deep to set off any rockets.
My guess is that she feels so cloistered by society that sex with her man is the only time she feels she is allowed by him to exert any free will. I think that is what makes repressed chicks so good to fuck once you get them over all their hang ups. Clearly Tanya is done with having hang ups.
I found the clip over at YouPorn. (Do I need to tell you not safe for work?) I would have embedded the video, but the submitter has disabled that function. Also, I am not so sure I want to be labeled as a porn blog which I am sure Google would do if I embedded a few clips of people showing some physical affection towards each other.
No commenting is allowed on this clip due to the submitter and that is a shame as the comments on YouPorn are almost always more entertaining than the clips themselves. I know you will be disappointed in my choice of porn videos I chose to review for the first time, since you can't see the video while you read my review. And because I insist on telling you how funny the comments are on You Porn and I chose to use a clip that did not provide us any. But if you have read this blog for any lenght of time you get used to me doing shit like that, don't you?
I guess that's why when middle eastern chicks finally get to fuck they go all crazy and ask their man to bury his face in your ass. I know all this because I was watching porn last night and the porn was an amateur clip of Arabs fucking. Either that or they were Mexicans. But I am leaning towards Jordanians because it helps with the jokes.
MY REVIEW OF :
Mi Ex-novia TANYA.. me la cojo rico (I guess they were mexican)
This chick likes fucking and I can't think of a thing I like better in a girl than a girl into fucking. You never see passion from the professional girls like Tanya has. I think she must be really into this guy. Notice how she is hugging and licking the guys chest and thighs as she blows him. This licking and kissing is not the kind of perfunctory variation of tease from cock to thigh that you see in the regular porn. This girl is really desperate. She wants to consume him.
Tanya wears a g-string straight out of 1990, but since she is foreign I think she pulls it off. She is cute. Thin. But if you noticed the strange green bruises on her thigh then you weren't alone. I assume as a Mexican she can't afford to eat meat so she is probably just a little anaemic.
I am not really sure as to why Tanya likes to fuck this guy. He has a really small penis. I like to watch movies where the men have small penises, but can really please a women. I will have you know it is not because I have a small penis. I have to stop making small penis jokes now that I have an internet girlfriend.
Inexplicably in the middle of this porn clip they stop fucking to take a phone call. She then performs oral sex on mr. tiny while discussing the latest price on tortillas or the ending of some sappy novella or whatever the hell mexican women discuss in that funny little language of theirs.
I know earlier in this post I was suggesting that muslim women are freed to be sexual dynamos because they live in a culture that exploits and degrades them. I think the same thing must go for the mexicans. I can't imagine why else Tanya would exclaim in such excitement every time she gets pounded by her b/f/. He certainly can't be getting that deep to set off any rockets.
My guess is that she feels so cloistered by society that sex with her man is the only time she feels she is allowed by him to exert any free will. I think that is what makes repressed chicks so good to fuck once you get them over all their hang ups. Clearly Tanya is done with having hang ups.
I found the clip over at YouPorn. (Do I need to tell you not safe for work?) I would have embedded the video, but the submitter has disabled that function. Also, I am not so sure I want to be labeled as a porn blog which I am sure Google would do if I embedded a few clips of people showing some physical affection towards each other.
No commenting is allowed on this clip due to the submitter and that is a shame as the comments on YouPorn are almost always more entertaining than the clips themselves. I know you will be disappointed in my choice of porn videos I chose to review for the first time, since you can't see the video while you read my review. And because I insist on telling you how funny the comments are on You Porn and I chose to use a clip that did not provide us any. But if you have read this blog for any lenght of time you get used to me doing shit like that, don't you?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Pardon my teen angst bullshit, but I was hungry when I wrote this post, so ignore the signs of my dropping blood sugar
I am hungry. I know this is a good feeling for my body to have for a change, because I am not an Ethiopian, and my body doesn't have to worry about food, because I live in America, and I work at a grocery store, so the odds of me starving to death are between slim and none.
But right now would be a great time for a coke. I love coke and I have five twelve packs of soda sitting on my dining room table. I think they mock me. They put soda on sale at my store. I can get five twelve packs of coke and 2 free boxes of Cheez its for 12 dollars. A couple of days ago this sale would have prompted me to empty my back account to buy as much coke as possible. Coke loves me. Coke never lets me down. Coke won't dump my ass when I get old and fat.
I sure am hungry. My belly is telling me it is empty and I guess I am just supposed to ignore that feeling so I can get skinny because we all love skinny. If I could be anything in the world I would be a robotic fly that could crawl around on Suri Cruise, so I could keep track of all the crazy ass shit Tom Cruise is doing with out us all knowing, but if that is not possible then I would want to be skinny. I would rather be skinny than tall, and I would rather be skinny than buff, and I would rather be skinny than not bald, because if I was skinny I would just shave my head and wear wife beaters and get tats all down my arms and go to poetry def jams and make up random misogynistic rants and pass them off as deep poetic shit (no matter how hard that would be) and get laid by girls with chipped nail polish who die their hair black.
I am not attracted to that type. I like the girl next door. I like a girl who could get cast as a model on a fabric softener commercial. White breezy sunshine, she is running through sheets as the warm sun bounces off her face.
I am hungry. Allow me to pause writing this post (you won't feel a thing I promise), so I can go get another drink of de-caf ice tea. Ice T is awesome and has no calories. Things with no calories are the new awesome, and the new awesome will keep me having an internet g/f, and that is a good thing as I have not had a real g/f in over 2 years, and my last g/f hardly liked me. I only know this because she often told me. She always told me she liked being honest and her being honest was making sure I understood I was not physically desirable to women. I've known that for years and that's why I started developing a personality back in the sixth grade when I was not noticeably fat or short and had no need for the complexity and profound depth that you see before you today.
The head cheerleader must have liked what she saw and heard from me as she asked me if I wanted a blow job. I had no idea what a blow job was and if I did I was not sure I was interested in getting one as I had yet to enter into puberty so I was sure that an orgasm was out of the question and like all men I have it genetically programmed into me that sex without an orgasm is a waste of time.
It is not too often that the most popular girl in school wants to date a guy like me, but I can tell you that when opportunities like that happen they don't happen like they do in the movies. In real life I was too riddled with the fear of rejection to take Jennifer up on her offer to sit with all the cool kids at lunch time. I just ate by myself. My parents tended to pack my lunch and they seemed to think that the only fruit in the world was the banana. I think you can imagine the kind of jokes that got made when people noticed I only ate a banana everyday at lunch.
Jocks and cool kids would sit down with me just to ask why I turned down Jennifer. I told them I was sure Jennifer had a boyfriend and she was just playing a joke on me and that a girl like her could never be interested in a guy like me even if we played paper football the entire time in biology class. I can't remember cracking open a book during that class. I do remember looking into her Jennifer's big green eyes and talking to her like she was just one of the guys and I think that is what attracted her to me. I have to use tricks like that to get women to be attracted to me. But it would be nice to have a woman get turned on by my body for once. I would like it if for once they were able to return the visceral attraction I feel whenever they bend over and plunge their bosoms towards me. I need them to hunger for me like an anorexic tweener on the binge part of a binge and purge session. I want to get back at women for having power over me by denying them the naked thing they want so badly, me.
Jennifer always claimed that she did not have a boyfriend and she really wanted to date me. I bring this story up because I like to think that my decision to stay safe and not risk getting made fun of set the tone for the rest of my life. If I would have said yes I would have been popular and I probably would not have asked my parents for the subscription to Omni magazine that I got that year for Christmas which pretty much sealed the deal on me becoming a nerd.
In 8th grade I did not try out for the basketball team even though I was better than a few of kids who made the team. I was sure my dad would not spring for new shoes and I was too embarrassed to wear my old sneakers to practice. In 9th grade my best friend Doug made the b squad of the high school team and he was only a little better than me, mostly because he was taller and had been on the 8th grade team. If it is any consolation I was the best player on my street. I used to play 1 on three and beat the three losers who played me badly.
Sometimes I tried to make sure they did not score on me at all. I never did because there was three of them playing against me and guarding three players is basically impossible, but I am just telling you that so you can understand that deep inside me is the kinda guy that doesn't let his little brother win at monopoly and is the kinda guy who likes to make sure that he steps on people who suck at basketball.
That guy never really recovered from Jennifer's offer to be popular, or his punking on trying out for the 8th and 9th grade basketball teams. I would not have made my high school basketball teams. But I could have tried and the guy who shut down all comers on his home street was the kinda guy who should not have minded failing. He would not be happy about it, and maybe he would not have taken any ideas about sportsmanship away from his defeat. More likely he would have made excuses for losing and he would have developed "short man disease" and then probably he would have taken to wearing too much gold jewelry.
But at least he would have gotten himself a girlfriend before he was 18.
But right now would be a great time for a coke. I love coke and I have five twelve packs of soda sitting on my dining room table. I think they mock me. They put soda on sale at my store. I can get five twelve packs of coke and 2 free boxes of Cheez its for 12 dollars. A couple of days ago this sale would have prompted me to empty my back account to buy as much coke as possible. Coke loves me. Coke never lets me down. Coke won't dump my ass when I get old and fat.
I sure am hungry. My belly is telling me it is empty and I guess I am just supposed to ignore that feeling so I can get skinny because we all love skinny. If I could be anything in the world I would be a robotic fly that could crawl around on Suri Cruise, so I could keep track of all the crazy ass shit Tom Cruise is doing with out us all knowing, but if that is not possible then I would want to be skinny. I would rather be skinny than tall, and I would rather be skinny than buff, and I would rather be skinny than not bald, because if I was skinny I would just shave my head and wear wife beaters and get tats all down my arms and go to poetry def jams and make up random misogynistic rants and pass them off as deep poetic shit (no matter how hard that would be) and get laid by girls with chipped nail polish who die their hair black.
I am not attracted to that type. I like the girl next door. I like a girl who could get cast as a model on a fabric softener commercial. White breezy sunshine, she is running through sheets as the warm sun bounces off her face.
I am hungry. Allow me to pause writing this post (you won't feel a thing I promise), so I can go get another drink of de-caf ice tea. Ice T is awesome and has no calories. Things with no calories are the new awesome, and the new awesome will keep me having an internet g/f, and that is a good thing as I have not had a real g/f in over 2 years, and my last g/f hardly liked me. I only know this because she often told me. She always told me she liked being honest and her being honest was making sure I understood I was not physically desirable to women. I've known that for years and that's why I started developing a personality back in the sixth grade when I was not noticeably fat or short and had no need for the complexity and profound depth that you see before you today.
The head cheerleader must have liked what she saw and heard from me as she asked me if I wanted a blow job. I had no idea what a blow job was and if I did I was not sure I was interested in getting one as I had yet to enter into puberty so I was sure that an orgasm was out of the question and like all men I have it genetically programmed into me that sex without an orgasm is a waste of time.
It is not too often that the most popular girl in school wants to date a guy like me, but I can tell you that when opportunities like that happen they don't happen like they do in the movies. In real life I was too riddled with the fear of rejection to take Jennifer up on her offer to sit with all the cool kids at lunch time. I just ate by myself. My parents tended to pack my lunch and they seemed to think that the only fruit in the world was the banana. I think you can imagine the kind of jokes that got made when people noticed I only ate a banana everyday at lunch.
Jocks and cool kids would sit down with me just to ask why I turned down Jennifer. I told them I was sure Jennifer had a boyfriend and she was just playing a joke on me and that a girl like her could never be interested in a guy like me even if we played paper football the entire time in biology class. I can't remember cracking open a book during that class. I do remember looking into her Jennifer's big green eyes and talking to her like she was just one of the guys and I think that is what attracted her to me. I have to use tricks like that to get women to be attracted to me. But it would be nice to have a woman get turned on by my body for once. I would like it if for once they were able to return the visceral attraction I feel whenever they bend over and plunge their bosoms towards me. I need them to hunger for me like an anorexic tweener on the binge part of a binge and purge session. I want to get back at women for having power over me by denying them the naked thing they want so badly, me.
Jennifer always claimed that she did not have a boyfriend and she really wanted to date me. I bring this story up because I like to think that my decision to stay safe and not risk getting made fun of set the tone for the rest of my life. If I would have said yes I would have been popular and I probably would not have asked my parents for the subscription to Omni magazine that I got that year for Christmas which pretty much sealed the deal on me becoming a nerd.
In 8th grade I did not try out for the basketball team even though I was better than a few of kids who made the team. I was sure my dad would not spring for new shoes and I was too embarrassed to wear my old sneakers to practice. In 9th grade my best friend Doug made the b squad of the high school team and he was only a little better than me, mostly because he was taller and had been on the 8th grade team. If it is any consolation I was the best player on my street. I used to play 1 on three and beat the three losers who played me badly.
Sometimes I tried to make sure they did not score on me at all. I never did because there was three of them playing against me and guarding three players is basically impossible, but I am just telling you that so you can understand that deep inside me is the kinda guy that doesn't let his little brother win at monopoly and is the kinda guy who likes to make sure that he steps on people who suck at basketball.
That guy never really recovered from Jennifer's offer to be popular, or his punking on trying out for the 8th and 9th grade basketball teams. I would not have made my high school basketball teams. But I could have tried and the guy who shut down all comers on his home street was the kinda guy who should not have minded failing. He would not be happy about it, and maybe he would not have taken any ideas about sportsmanship away from his defeat. More likely he would have made excuses for losing and he would have developed "short man disease" and then probably he would have taken to wearing too much gold jewelry.
But at least he would have gotten himself a girlfriend before he was 18.
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