Larry King Blogs on his Birthday

I never take a day off from. No matter what. Even on my birthday. Some people think I am the hardest working man in show biz, but they are wrong. That distinction belongs to James Brown's "fiance" who appeared for more than a month straight on my CNN talk show.

I've got way to many distractions to devote my life soley to Journalism. I keep very busy giving the "sex" to many of my Laotian mini-wives over at my Turkey Baster Impregnation Farm in Peru. Not to mention all my heart attacks and field trips with Tom Cruise to his Scientology's anti-psychiatry museum.

For the first time in my life I almost met a man with double the size of my own megalomania. Of course I am talking about Katie Holmes, not Tom. We all know Tom loves the Trannies. And we all know how Katie (Kate) Holmes' vagina has been surgically altered to look even more like the gigantic penis that Tom craves it to be.

As much as I disapprove of the museum I must say that it is one hell of a ride. I give it Four Stars. I am going to have to go back again and again.

Larry King blogs every Thursday night at 6 P.M., when he's not too drunk he posts. Visit Larry King Blogs here and be my best friend forever on the MySpace.

538 Loatian Mini-Wives crave Larry's cock and don't know why.

I don't like me either

I was asked to guest blog over at a Star Trek Themed website. I thought it went well. Except for the lack of enthusiasm exhibited by the blogs readers.

That's OK. I don't like enthusiasm in people. Or passion. It unnerves me.

It's also OK that none of my glorious readers clicked on the "digg" me option I set up over at Self Help too. It's not like I really want to be famous. Also I can't get any family or friends to read my blog. Even though harass them on myspace everyday.

In real life my family and friends think I am funny. But they always read my blog in a down cycle (The way it is in right now.) So screw 'em.

Isn't it great that you know how awesome I am? And how nobody gets it, but you. When you share this blog with folks and you promise that this blog is really funny afterwards your friends take a look at you and think "I need to get him/her on Ritalin."

Well I can only take so much of all that. That's why I am not blogging so much. Maybe one day. When I get me some talent I will try again. But that whole Digg sellout post got me depressed. And the latest offerings on this blog are self indulgent tripe. Well, not really self indulgent, but they are tripe.

Which is a kind of fat that Mexicans eat.

I Review Movies so you can learn stuff. So now I am going to review the movie Billy Jack.

I know that my movie reviews are considered some of the weakest material I provide for this blog. But I still keep doing them. I hope that irritates you. Like when your little sister walks in on you jacking off.

I agree with you. There is no need for your sister to go and tell Mom. What a girl does in the privacy of her basement should stay private. Plus you're not really hurting anyone. If you don't consider that vibrator a person. Which you shouldn't. Even if you name it.

Speaking of which. I just watched the craziest movie of my life. It's called Billy Jack. But I don't want to review that movie here yet. Instead (in the ancient practice of outraged Christians everywhere) I want to review a movie I haven't seen.

That movie is called Billy Jack's Moral Revolution. Now for readers who are not familiar with Billy Jack Movies you need to just think one thing. Flower Power + Clint Eastwood. What else? Think Obi Won Kenobi...

"A key ingredient of the original Billy Jack was Billy teaching how to become a real man, and Jean on how to become a real woman in highly dramatic and emotional scenes. The new Billy Jack will do the same for today’s youth."

Billy Jack also dealt heavily with themes of sexuality. Girls get raped. Girls who sleep around get impregnated by minorities. Those girls get targeted for abortion and eventually get "punished" and lose their unborn children. Also there are shots of a naked 13 year old girl.

But Billy Jack's obsession with 13 year old's isn't just for the past. It's a continuing and creepy concern of the writer/director/star.

BILL JACK ON

How to become a woman and stop being an “Anybody’s”

"People will be shocked to learn in the film that 30% of 13-year old's are sexually promiscuous, and one out of five is a “cutter”, someone who has slashed their wrists at least once in a suicide attempt.

Because women are programmed so intensely that the way to become accepted and popular is to become a hot, sexy “anybody’s” – a sexual object who gives sexual gratification to chopped haired idiots whose idea of masculinity is to get high and conquer women, women desperately need a way to develop their own inner power."

An "anybody" is a hot sexy 13 year old girl who sleeps with anybody just for attention. Usually in billy Jack movies it is with the main evil character. And right after the bad guy has chocked and humiliated the "anybody's" friend.

Women in Billy Jack movies go to the bad guy of their own free will. So they get what they deserve. If by deserve you mean getting raped at knife point.

I know what you are thinking this is some kind of loony fringe cult film. You've never heard of it. Why should you care about a movie so far from the mainstream? You are wrong!

"They said it was impossible! For 17 years we couldn’t get Billy Jack made because studios and investors said Indians were “box office poison.” So we mortgaged what we had, got a friend to invest, and did it ourselves, and to this day Billy Jack is still the most profitable independent film ever made, grossing in today’s dollars over $400 million."

You need to go rent all these damn movies. You need to donate to this guy so he can finish his film. I don't know what he did with all his money. He probably gave it away to the Indians. That's the Indian Way after all.

Why I still hate Oprah Winfrey

For a while I thought I had gotten over my hatred of Oprah Winfrey. My last post inspired some rather nasty racist name calling. So I thought about taking it easy on her.

None of the commentors in my original post did. Those commentors used the N word. People like that just seem plain dangerous to me. Not in the controlled anti-social way, like myself. But in a primal I-just-shot-your-mama-now go-to-your-room kinda way.

Nevertheless, Oprah does deserve a fair amount of the criticism she gets. For instance in a recent Salon article took her to task over her endorsement of a silly self help book The Secret.

The article mainly rehashes several points that many other critics have been making for years. But the author does a good job of showing how the criticisms when taken together show that Oprah is endorsing and promoting a kind of "culture."

For instance, Oprah writes about "The Secret" on her Web site, "the energy you put into the world -- both good and bad -- is exactly what comes back to you. This means you create the circumstances of your life with the choices you make every day."

That statement is just sickening and offensive. And I do sickening and offensive for a living. I don't need to tell you that her idiotic statement is an indictment of starving children. Who I guess brought all of their misery on themselves by crying too much when they got hungry.

Actually I probably did need to tell you how stupid her belief system is. Way too many people in the United States fall for this New Age Hocus Pocus. Allthough Oprah did not come up with this nuttiness, she has profited from it. And while she did not create Oprah Culture from scratch she is hyping it to an eager and gullible audience.

What's Oprah Culture?

"It's a culture where superstition is "spirituality," illiteracy is "authenticity," and schoolmarm moralism is "character." It's a culture where people apologize by saying, "I'm sorry you took offense at what I said," and forgive by saying, "I'm not angry at you anymore, I'm grateful to you for teaching me not to trust shitheads like you."

And [here's] the part that should bother us most: the diminishing, even implicit mocking, of genuine goodness, and of authentic spiritual concerns and practices. Engagement, curiosity and active awe are in short supply these days, and it's sickening to see them devalued and misrepresented."

Oprah Culture combines some of the worst aspects of Eastern and Western Philosophy. One part of hedonistic materialism with an equal dose of "false spiritualism."

I wished Americans were strong enough to resist the false positism that Oprah offered, but I bet we aren't.

I don't want to tell you to be ironic. That would be ironic.

But I do want to hear about your amazing cat stories. Nothing excites a man more than hearing about amazing cats and their stories. Other than baby pictures. We love baby pictures. Maybe the guys who love baby pics are only the guys who go to jail for masturbating to baby pictures, but we loves them all the same.

I don't want to have dicsussion with you about irony either. Because sooner or later you are going to bring up that Alanis Morissette song. Do I think its ironic? Sure, but I also think you are a moron sometimes. Not the real "you" mind you. Just the fake you that doesn't exist. The fake "you" that I am fighting with because it's a Friday night and I am all alone in the house with nothing to do.

So I have imaginary conversations with people that don't exist. I use bits of you and conflate them with bits of people I hate. So I can have an argument. I used to do that with an EX-GF of mine. She always wondered why I came home pissed. It was because I used to walk home from a shitty job and take my anger out on her in imaginary conversations. But then sometimes I would forget that I wasn't really pissed at her and it was just in my head. Imagine her consternation.

Well in truth she never had a bit of consternation. I think you have to know what a word means in order to have the feelings associated with the word. Now that's ironic.

You better hope that your God has not grown as tired of you as I have

The world is a scary and dark place. Not just in Africa. Where the people have good tans, but face death, hunger and genocide the way we face alienation, anomie, and poorly made Lifetime movies here in America.

You can make a pretty good movie about Sudanese people overcoming the odds and doing good in society, but I can't get inspired by it. The only reaction I get from watching inspired people is depression.

I am a useless and worthless human being. Not that it takes being depressed to know that I've never done anything in my life. I can't even blame it on my village getting bombed or almost starving to death. My belly is swollen into 36 (OK maybe 38) inches of Pizza Hut's garlic encrusted dough. Unlike the Sudanese in this film I've never created a free health clinic or even gotten a degree in Economics. But then again I don't think I am a good person. Not that I think you are either.

I have a theory about how morality is linked to the mode of production, but you can't be trusted to read it. Just know that even a refugee's life in America sucks. And they probably feel sorry for you. Because we have lost what he calls "culture" and "community."

I don't romanticize community even though I am a communist. A culture's morality can't be judged by preliterate standards of cooperation. Capitalism at once inspires individualism and requires nearly unparalleled kinds of social cooperation.

The messianic force of radical critique finds salvation for the modern world precisely in it's comprehension of the social cooperation that is required by Capital. What critique seeks is not only the augmentation of this social dependency form to higher states of cooperation, but to build an awareness of the necessarily social in technologically advanced nations.

See, aren't ya glad I don't go any further there?

Don't go gettin' Paranoid on me Android

I don't just make veiled references to popular rock bands in my blog posts, I also make sure to send you guys the latest in conspiracy theories.

"The fact that the BBC reported on the collapse of Building 7 over twenty minutes in advance of its implosion obviously provokes a myriad of questions as to how they knew it was about to come down when the official story says its collapse happened accidentally as a result of fire damage and debris weakening the building's structure."

"Myriad? I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word 'myriad' in her suicide note."