Saturday, February 23, 2008

I read disappointing news on the Internet

I just read some very disappointing news on the Internet. The maker of Enzyte, the little pill that provides for big "male enhancement," has been found guilty of fraud in a court of law.

"Steve Warshak, whose conviction was reported Friday by The Cincinnati Enquirer, is founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which distributes Enzyte and a number of products alleged to boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss and aid restful sleep."

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I can never catch a break. I've only had a job for 5 months, so I have not saved enough money to buy any of Steve's pills yet. But that was the plan. I was going to buy a crap load of Enzyte and leave the boxes of pills outside like a Hansel and Gretel trail. I need a girlfriend and I am sure this was going to be the idea that finally worked for me.

It turns out you can't buy a bigger dick in a pill box. I don't know if I need a bigger dick. I've always been able to orgasm with my current size. Though lately I think I have rubbed off all the sensitivity from my penis because of all the furious masturbating I've been doing. I wrap aluminium foil around the head of my cock and yell obscenities at myself. My new technique has left me raw and orgasm-less for a week. And now to top off all that I won't be able to grow a new dick. I am so disappointed that I can't trust a company who's advertisements ran "We couldn't say it, if it wasn't true." I guess you can say and I guess it's not true. What I am saying here is that the Big Dicked Nazis win again, and small penised (I know you prefer to call yourself large clitorised) guys lose again. [NSFW LINK TO HELL'S BEST NEWSPAPER]


Anonymous said...

No! The foil is for boobies not penises.

So silly.

Romius T. said...

I am going to get my lawyer on you, there should be a label warining on your blog!

Freida Bee said...

Romius, Romius, my dear Romius. Wherefore art thou's sore dick Romius? It doth need the soothing balm that only wax paper can provideth.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

"I wrap aluminium foil around the head of my cock and yell obscenities at myself." That's what we refer to as a "full weekend" around Monkey Central.

Romius T. said...

A great full weekend no doubt!

Pain said...

Once again Romius T. We, Ourselves are impressed. If We wore socks you would rock them. Invest in better lubricants for you self pleasure sessions and We promise to possess an attractive human female long enough for you to have a long term sexual relationship.

Drop the tin foil, take the KY.

Qu'ul cuda praedex nihil!

Romius T. said...

Aw pain, I knew selling my sould would pay off some day!