Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I just want to live. To be free. And to occasionally find one of those 3 pack Zingers repackaged as a bonus 4 pack




I spent all last night on the funniest post you will never read.

Right near the end of slogging through it, my page disappeared. Like it got sucked down some vortex of "that shit is too funny" and got greedily devoured by our Google masters.

Fuck Google. And I know they are watching, listening and saving everything I do on the internets. So you know I just said Fuck You.

What ya gonna do about it? Nothing. Cuz you're bunch of faggots and pussies. That's why. You can't do anything to me because if you want access to my trade you must abide by my internal proxies and shit.

I'd tell you about the post, but that would be like sharing an inside joke with you and then not sharing all the inside info you need to get it.

Let's just say you had to be there. Let's pretend you were.

In the post I rant for a good 10 paragraphs about how I am so much better than all of you. Because real life people make "icky faces" at me all day long. For no good reason.

I can rant for 10 paragraphs because you all seem to enjoy picking on people in real life. Pickin' on folks is something I avoid. It's why I am better than you. That'swhy I pick on K-fed. Because he's not human.

All my 'real life' torture builds into a riff about how my well known inferiority complex isn't really true after all. Next I admit getting a bit depressed when I contemplated how Three Toed Sloth gets like 10x the hits and 17 more comments than I do. I've never gotten 17 comments on anything that I've ever written. Except for the Dr. Phil thing.

Sure, most of the 17 posts where asinine at best or just cutesy. But one came from a pretty hot chick. Well her back was pretty cute and that's all I saw.

But I got over my infatuation with Cheese lover's back pretty quickly after I read some of her myspace blog entries.

"we are all going to DIE if we get skinny."

Notice her use of capitalization. I opined that the blogger borrows her style from President for Life George W. Bush and his rhetorical use of "9-11 changed everything."

Only in reality you are not going to die if you get skinny. In real life only good things happen to you if you get skinny. The most important one is you will live longer. Getting skinny is the only scientifically proven way to expand the human lifespan. That's why all those starving Ethiopians live so long. So quit thinking skinny doesn't make you look better, because it does.

Cheese lover disagrees with me she thinks that, "We all look fine."

What... you've never been to a Walmart? We most certainly do not all look fine.

Allow me to translate your whining about body issues into something you might understand. Self pity coming from a man.

I am slacker. No amount of hard work or good luck will change that. I may never be able to support myself, but that's OK. Because I have to come to accept that about myself.

Why can't society? Why don't we abandon consumerism and gender roles and you can pay for my dinner and support my ass while I attempt half-assed blog entries and pretend to write that novel nobody will read.

I'll watch the kids, honey.

This post is dedicated to blogger for fucking up the actually funny post that should be here. Try and make some adsense money on this post assholes.

7 comments:

Diane Tomlinson said...

Now that is fucking brilliant. You make me wish I wasn't dead.

Romius T. said...

Being undead should not keep us apart. Actually tha makes you morea live in the sack than my last few girlfriends.

What can you expect from underage teens you bring over on a boat though.

threetoedsloth said...

See, all you really have to do is live in New York. Because here's the big secret to getting blog traffic: live in New York, and write a few posts about living in New York, and you'll get a link from Gawker. And instantly you'll have a million readers. In the beginning, nobody read my blog! (And admittedly it wasn't really good reading material in the beginning either.) And then some Gawker links happened, and now I don't even have to try anymore! I can type out a list of everything I ate in a day and people will still read it. It's a sweet deal.

Or maybe all you have to do is take a quick trip to New York and then come back and write a post about how, "Boy oh boy, that subway system sure is something!" and possibly that could work too.

Romius T. said...

Dear Ms. Sloth

Maybe I could just post your comment as apost. It is totally New Yorked out!

NY NY NY

Jezebelsriot said...

You are just awful. I bet your insides are the color of smooshed stink beetles. I don't get a lot of traffic either, despite being incredibly brilliant, but this really mean girl that boo hoos about her horribly white trash family gets like 50 comments all the time. We're so not cool.

Romius T. said...

Agreed. They all suck. We rule. The world just isn't ready for your brilliance though, you may have to kill yourself ala bell jar author who escapes by memory and I don't feel like googleing her.

Jezebelsriot said...

Sylvia Plath- head in a gas oven. I do have a gas oven.